Callista : a Tale of the Third Century

by John Henry Newman

  CHAPTER XII.

  A DEATH.

  The first stages of repentance are but a fever, in which there isrestlessness and thirst, hot and cold fits, vague, dreary dreams, longdarkness which seems destined never to have a morning, effort withoutresult, and collapse without reaction. These symptoms had alreadymanifested themselves in Agellius; he spoke calmly to Callista, andsustained himself by the claims of the moment; but no sooner had he leftthe room and was thrown upon himself, than his self-possession left him,and he fell into an agony, or rather anarchy of tumultuous feelings. Thenrose up before his mind a hundred evil spectres, not less scaring and morereal than the dreams of the delirious. He thought of the singular favourwhich had been shown him in his reception into the Christian fold, andthat at so early a date; of the myriads all around who continued inheathenism as they had been born, and of his utter insensibility to hisown privilege. He felt how much would be required of him, and how littlehitherto had been forthcoming. He thought of the parable of the barrenfig-tree, and the question was whispered in his ear whether it would notbe fulfilled in him. He asked himself in what his heart and his conductdiffered from the condition of a fairly virtuous heathen. And then hethought of Callista in contrast with himself, as having done more with themite which she possessed than he had done with many pounds. He felt thatTyre and Sidon were rising up against him in her person; or rather how thesaying seemed about to be verified in her, that strangers should sit downin the kingdom from far countries, while those who were the heirs shouldbe thrust out. He had been rebuked by one to whom he rather ought to havebrought self-knowledge and compunction, and she was sensitively alive tohis want of charity. She had felt bitterly that she was left in ignoranceand sin by one who had what she had not. She had accused him of beingzealous enough to win her to himself, when he had shown no zeal at all towin her to her Maker. If she was brought to the truth at length, therewould be no thanks to him for the happy change; yet on the other hand,though he had predicted it, alas! was it likely that it would be granted?Had she not had her opportunity, which was lost because he had notimproved it? Yes, she had with a deliberate mind and in set words putaside and taken leave of that which she once desired and hoped might havebeen her own, sorrowfully indeed, but peremptorily, as firmly persistingin rejecting it, as she might have persisted in maintaining it; and, ifshe died in infidelity, horrible thought! would not the burden lie on him,and was this to be the token of the love which he pretended to entertainfor her?

  What was he living for? what was the work he had set himself to do? Did helive to plant flowers, or to rear fruit, to maintain himself and to makemoney? Was that a time to pride himself on vineyards and oliveyards, when,like Eliseus, he was one among myriads who were in unbelief? Ah, thedifference between a saint and him? Of what good was he on earth; whyshould not he die? why so chary of his life? why preserve his wretchedlife at all? Could he not do more by giving it than by keeping it? Mightit not have been given him perchance for the very purpose that he mightsacrifice it for Him who had given it? He had been timid about making aprofession of his faith, which might have led to prison and death; butperhaps the very object of his life in the divine purpose, the very reasonof his birth, had been that, as soon as he was grown, he should die forthe truth. He might have been cut off by disease; he was not; and why,except that he might merit in his death, and that what, in the ordinarycourse of things, was a mere suffering, might in his case be an act ofservice? His death might have been the conversion of thousands, ofCallista; and the fewness of his days here would have been his claim to ablessed eternity hereafter.

  Nor Callista alone; he had natural friends, with nearer claims upon hischarity. Had he been other than he was, he might have prevailed with hisuncle; at least he might have taught him to respect the Christian Faithand Name, and restrained him from daring to attempt, for he now saw thatit was an attempt, to seduce him into sin. He might have lodged a goodseed in his heart, which in the hour of sickness might have germinated.And his brother again had learned to despise him; indeed he had raised inevery one who came near him the suspicion that he was not really aChristian, that he was an apostate (he could not help uttering a cry ofanguish as he used the word), an apostate from that which was his reallife and supreme worship.

  Why did he not at once go into the Basilica or the Gymnasium, and proclaimhimself a Christian? There were rumours abroad that the new emperor wasbeginning a new policy towards his religion; let him inaugurate it inAgellius. Might he not thus perchance wash out his sin? He would be ledinto the amphitheatre, as his betters had been led before him; the crowdswould yell, and the lion would be let loose upon him. He would confrontthe edict, tear it down, be seized by the apparitor, and hurried to therack or the slow fire. Callista would hear of it, and would learn atlength he was not quite the craven and the recreant which she thought him.

  Then his thoughts took a turn. Callista! what was Callista to him? Whyshould he think of her, when she was girding him to martyrdom? Was she tobe the motive which was to animate him, and her praise his reward? Alas,alas! could he gain heaven by pleasing a heathen? "But to whom then," hecontinued, "am I to look up? who is to give me sympathy? who is toencourage, to advise me? O my Father, pity me! a feeble child, a poor,outcast, wandering sheep, away from the fold, torn by the briars andthorns, and no one to bind his wounds and retrace his steps for him. Whyam I thus alone in the world? why am I without a pastor and guide? Ah, wasnot this my fault in remaining in Sicca? I have no tie here; let me go toCarthage, or to Tagaste, or to Madaura, or to Hippo. I am not fit to walkthe world by myself; I am too simple, and am no match for its artifices."

  Here another thought took possession of him, which had as yet but crossedhis mind, and it made him colour up with confusion and terror. "They werelaying a plot for me," he said, "my uncle and Aristo; and it is Callistawho has defeated it." And as he spoke, he felt how much he owed to her,and how dangerous too it was to think of his debt. Yet it would not bewrong to pray for her; she had marred the device of which she was to havebeen the agent. "Laqueus contritus est, et nos liberati sumus:" the netwas broken and he was delivered. She had refused his devotion, that hemight give it to his God; and now he would only think of her, and whisperher name, when he was kneeling before the Blessed Mary, his advocate. Othat that second and better Eve, who brought salvation into the world, asour first mother brought death, O that she might bear Callista's name inremembrance, and get it written in the Book of life!

  It was high noon; and all this time Agellius was walking in his presentexcited mood, without covering to his head, under the burning rays of thesun, not knowing which way he went, and retracing his steps, as hewandered about at random, with a vague notion he was going homewards. Thefew persons whom he met, creeping about under the shadow of the loftyhouses, or under the porticoes of the temples, looked at him with wonder,and thought him furious or deranged. The shafts of the sun were not so hotas his own thoughts, or as the blood which shot to and fro so fiercely inhis veins; but they were working fearfully on his physical frame, thoughthey could not increase the fever of his mind. He had come to the Forum;the market people were crouching under their booths or the shelter oftheir baskets. The riffraff of the city, who lived by their wits, or byodd jobs, or on the windfalls of the market; lazy fellows who did nothing,who did not move till hunger urged them, like the brute; half-idioticchewers of opium, ragged or rather naked children, the butcher boys andscavengers of the temples, lay at their length at the mouth of the cavernsformed by the precipitous rock, or under the Arch of Triumph, or amid thecolumns of the Gymnasium and the Heracleum, or in the doorways of theshops. A scattering of beggars were lying, poor creatures, on their backsin the blazing sun, reckless of the awful maladies, the fits, theseizures, and the sudden death, which might be the consequence.

  Numbers out of this mixed multitude were asleep; some were looking withdull listless eyes at the still scene, or at any accidental movementswhich mi
ght vary it. They saw a figure coming nearer and nearer and wildlypassing by. Just then Agellius was diverted from his painful meditationsby hearing one of these fellows say to another, as he roused from a sortof doze, "That's one of them. We know them all, but very poor pickings canbe got out of them; but he has more than most. They're a low set inSicca." And then the man cried out, "Look sharp, young chap! the Furiesare at your heels, and the Fates are going before you. Look there at theemperor; he is looking at you, as grim and sour as you could wish him." Hespoke of the equestrian statue of Severus before the Basilica on theright; and, attracted by his words, Agellius went up to a board which wasfixed to its base. It was an imperial edict, and it ran as follows:--

  "Cneius Trajanus Decius, Augustus; and Quintus Herennius Etruscus Decius,Caesar; Emperors, unconquerable and pious; by united council these:--

  "Whereas we have experienced the benefits and the gifts of the gods, anddo also enjoy the victory which they have given us over our enemies, andmoreover salubrity of seasons, and abundance in the fruits of the earth;

  "Therefore, acknowledging the aforesaid as our benefactors and theproviders of those things which are necessary for the commonwealth, wemake this our decree, that every class of the state, freemen and slaves,the army and civilians, offer to the gods expiatory sacrifices, fallingdown in supplication before them;

  "And if any one shall presume to disobey this our divine command, which weunite in promulgating, we order that man to be thrown into chains, and tobe subjected to various tortures;

  "And should he thereupon be persuaded to reverse his disobedience, heshall receive from us no slight honours;

  "But should he hold out in opposition, first he shall have many tortures,and then shall be executed by the sword, or thrown into the deep sea, orgiven as a prey to birds and dogs;

  "And more than all if such a person be a professor of the Christianreligion.

  "Farewell, and live happy."

  The old man in the fable called on Death, and Death made his appearance.We are very far indeed from meaning that Agellius uttered random words, orspoke impatiently, when he just now expressed a wish to have theopportunity of dying for the Faith. Nevertheless, what now met his eyesand was transmitted through them, sentence by sentence, into his mind, wasnot certainly of a nature to calm the tumult which was busy in breast andbrain; a sickness came over him, and he staggered away. The words of theedict still met his eyes, and were of a bright red colour. The sun wasright before him, but the letters were in the sun, and the sun in hisbrain. He reeled and fell heavily on the pavement. No notice was taken ofthe occurrence by the spectators around him. They lazily or curiouslylooked on, and waited to see if he would recover.

  How long he lay there he could not tell, when he came to himself; if itcould really be said to be coming to himself to have the power of motion,and an instinct that he must move, and move in one direction. He managedto rise and lean against the pedestal of the statue, and its shade by thistime protected him. Then an intense desire came upon him to get home, andthat desire gave him a temporary preternatural strength. It came upon himas a duty to leave Sicca for his cottage, and he set off. He had aconfused notion that he must do his duty, and go straight forward, andturn neither to the right, nor the left, and stop nowhere, but move onsteadily for his true home. But next an impression came upon him that hewas running away from persecution, and that this ought not to be, and thathe ought to face the enemy, or at least not to hide from him, but meeklywait for him.

  As he went along the narrow streets which led down the hill towards thecity gate this thought came so powerfully upon him that at length he satdown on a stone which projected from an open shop, and thought ofsurrendering himself. He felt the benefit of the rest, and this he fanciedto be the calm of conscience consequent upon self-surrender andresignation. It was a fruiterer's stall, and the owner, seeing hisexhaustion, offered him some slices of a water-melon for his refreshment.He ate one of them, and then again a vague feeling came on him that he wasin danger of idolatry, and must protest against idolatry, and that heought not to remain in the neighbourhood of temptation. So, throwing downthe small coin which was sufficient for payment, he continued his journey.The rest and the refreshment of the fruit, and the continued shade whichthe narrow street allowed him, allayed the fever, and for the timerecruited him, and he moved on languidly. The sun, however, was still highin heaven, and when he got beyond the city beat down upon his head from acloudless sky. He painfully toiled up the ascent which led to his cottage.He had nearly gained the gate of his homestead; he saw his old householdslave, born in his father's house, a Christian like himself, coming tomeet him. A dizziness came over him, he lost his senses, and fell downhelplessly upon the bank.