Callista : a Tale of the Third Century

by John Henry Newman

  And meanwhile, what of Agellius himself? Why, it will be some little timebefore Agellius will be in a condition to moralize upon anything. Hisfaithful slave half-carried, half-drew him into the cottage, and stretchedhim upon his bed. Then, having sufficient skill for the ordinary illnessesof the country, though this was more than an ordinary fever, he drew bloodfrom him, gave him a draught of herbs, and left him to the slow but safeprocesses of nature to restore him. It could not be affirmed that he wasnot in considerable danger of life, yet youth carries hope with it, andhis attendant had little to fear for his recovery. For some days certainlyAgellius had no apprehension of anything, except of restlessness anddistress, of sleepless nights, or dreary, miserable dreams. At length onemorning, as he was lying on his back with his eyes shut, it came into hismind to ask himself whether Sunday would ever come. He had been accustomedupon the first day of the week to say some particular prayers and psalms,and unite himself in spirit with his brethren beyond seas. And then hetried to remember the last Sunday; and the more he thought, the less hecould remember it, till he began to think that months had gone without aSunday. This he was certain of, that he had lost reckoning, for he hadmade no notches for the days for a long while past, and unless his slaveAsper knew, there was no one to tell him. Here he got so puzzled, that itwas like one of the bad dreams which had worried him. He felt it affecthis head, and he was obliged to give up the inquiry.

  From this time his sleep was better and more refreshing for several days;he was more collected when he was awake, and was able to ask himself whyhe lay there, and what had happened to him. Then gradually his memorybegan to return like the dawning of the day; the cause and thecircumstances of his recent visit to the city, point after point came up,and he felt first wonder, and then certainty. He recollected the Forum,and then the edict; a solemn, overpowering emotion here seized him, andfor a while he dared not think more. When he recovered, and tried topursue the events of the day, he found himself unequal to the task; allwas dark, except that he had some vague remembrance of thirsting, and someone giving him to drink, and then his saying with the Psalmist,"Transivimus per ignem et aquam."

  He opened his eyes and looked about him. He was at home. There was someone at the bed-head whom he could not see hanging over him, and he was tooweak to raise himself and so command a view of him. He waited patiently,being too feeble to have any great anxiety on the subject. Presently avoice addressed him: "You are recovering, my son," it said.

  "Who are _you_?" said Agellius abruptly. The person spoken to applied hismouth to Agellius's ear, and uttered lowly several sacred names.

  Agellius would have started up had he been strong enough; he could butsink down upon his rushes in agitation.

  "Be content to know no more at present," said the stranger, "praise God,as I do. You know enough for your present strength. It is your act ofobedience for the day."

  It was a deep, clear, peaceful, authoritative voice. In his present state,as we have said, it cost Agellius no great effort to mortify curiosity;and the accents of that voice soothed him, and the mystery employed hismind, and had something pleasing and attractive in it. Moreover, about themain point there was no mystery, and could be no mistake, that he was inthe hands of a Christian ecclesiastic.

  The stranger occupied himself for a time with a book of prayers which hecarried about him, and then again with the duties of a sick-bed. Hesprinkled vinegar over Agellius's face and about the room, and suppliedhim with the refreshment of cooling fruit. He kept the flies fromtormenting him, and did his best so to arrange his posture that he mightsuffer least from his long lying. In the morning and evening he let in theair, and he excluded the sultry noon. In these various occupations he wasfrom time to time removed to a distance from the patient, who thus had anopportunity of observing him. The stranger was of middle height, upright,and well proportioned; he was dressed in a peasant's or slave's darktunic. His face was rather round than long; his hair black, yet with thepromise of greyness, with what might be baldness in the crown, or apriest's tonsure. His short beard curled round his chin; his complexionwas very clear. But the most striking point about him was his eyes; theywere of a light or greyish blue, transparent, and shining like preciousstones.

  From the day that they first interchanged words, the priest said someshort prayers from time to time with Agellius--the Lord's Prayer, andportions of the Psalms. Afterwards, when he was well enough to converse,Agellius was struck with the inexpressible peculiarity of his manner. Itwas self-collected, serene, gentle, tender, unobtrusive, unstudied. Itenabled him to say things severe and even stern, without startling,offending, or repelling the hearer. He spoke very little about himself,though from time to time points of detail were elicited of his history inthe course of conversation. He said that his name was Caecilius. Asper,when he entered the room, would kneel down and offer to kiss thestranger's sandal, though the latter generally managed to prevent it.

  Caecilius did not speak much about himself; but Agellius, on the otherhand, found it a relief to tell out his own history, and reflect upon anddescribe his own feelings. As he lay on his bed, he half soliloquized,half addressed himself to the stranger. Sometimes he required an answer;sometimes he seemed to require none. Once he asked suddenly, after a longsilence, whether a man could be baptized twice; and when the priestanswered distinctly in the negative, Agellius replied that if so, hethought it would be best never to be baptized till the hour of death. Itwas a question, he said, which had perplexed him a good deal, but he neverhad had any one to converse with on the subject.

  Caecilius answered, "But how could you promise yourself that you would beable to obtain the sacrament at the last moment? The water and theadministrator might come just too late; and then where would you be, myson? And then again, how do you know you would wish it? Is your willsimply in your own power? 'Carpe diem;' take God's gift while you can."

  "The benefit is so immense," answered Agellius, "that one would wish, ifone could, to enter into the unseen world without losing its fulness. Thiscannot be, if a long time elapses between baptism and death."

  "You are, then, of the number of those," said Caecilius, "who would cheattheir Maker of His claim on their life, provided they could (as it issaid) in their last moment cheat the devil."

  Agellius continuing silent, Caecilius added, "You want to enjoy this world,and to inherit the next; is it so?"

  "I am puzzled, my head is weak, father; I do not see my way to speak."Presently he said, "Sin after baptism is so awful a matter; there is nosecond laver for sin; and then again, to sin against baptism is so great asin."

  The priest said, "In baptism God becomes your Father; your own God; yourworship; your love--can you give up this great gift all through your life?Would you live 'without God in this world'?"

  Tears came into Agellius's eyes, and his throat became oppressed. At lasthe said, distinctly and tenderly, "No."

  After a while the priest said, "I suppose what you fear is the fire ofjudgment, and the prison; not lest you should fall away and be lost."

  "I know, my dear father," answered the sick youth, "that I have no rightto reckon on anything, or promise myself anything; yet somehow I havenever feared hell--though I ought, I know I ought; but I have not. Ideserve the worst, but somehow I have thought that God would lead me on.He ever has done so."

  "Then you fear the fire of judgment," said Caecilius; "you'd put offbaptism for fear of that fire."

  "I did not say I _would_," answered Agellius; "I wanted _you_ to explainthe thing to me."

  "Which would you rather, Agellius, be without God here, or suffer the firethere?"

  Agellius smiled; he said faintly, "I take Him for my portion here _and_there: _He_ will be in the fire with me."

  Agellius lay quiet for some hours, and seemed asleep. Suddenly he beganagain, "I was baptized when I was only six years old. I'm glad you do notthink it was wilful in me, and wrong. I cannot tell what took me," hepresently continued. "It was a fervour; I have had nothing of the ki
ndsince. What does our Lord say? I can't remember: 'Novissima pejoraprioribus.' "

  He continued the train of thought another day, or rather the course of hisargument; for on the thought itself his mind seemed ever to be working."My spring is gone," he said, "and I have no summer. Nay, I have had nospring; it was a day, not a season. It came, and it went; where am I now?Can spring ever return? I wish to begin again in right earnest."

  "Thank God, my son, for this great mercy," said Caecilius, "that, thoughyou have relaxed, you have never severed yourself from the peace of theChurch, you have not denied your God."

  Agellius sighed bitterly. "O my father," he said, " 'Erravi, sicut ovisquae periit.' I have been very near denying Him, at least by outward act.You do not know me; you cannot know what has come on me lately. And I darenot look back on it, my heart is so weak. My father, how am I to repent ofwhat is past, when I dare not think of it? To think of it is to renew thesin."

  " 'Puer meus, noli timere,' " answered the priest; " 'si transieris perignem, odor ejus non erit in te.' In penance, the grace of God carries youwithout harm through thoughts and words which _would_ harm you apart fromit."

  "Ah, penance!" said Agellius; "I recollect the catechism. What is it,father? a new grace, I know; a plank after baptism. May I have it?"

  "You are not strong enough yet to think of these things, Agellius,"answered Caecilius. "Please God, you shall get well. Then you shall reviewall your life, and bring it out in order before Him; and He, through me,will wipe away all that has been amiss. Praise Him who has spared you forthis."

  It was too much for the patient in his weak state; he could but shed happytears.

  Another day he had sat up in bed. He looked at his hands, from which theskin was peeling; he felt his lips, and it was with them the same; and hishair seemed coming off also. He smiled and said, "Renovabitur, ut aquila,juventus mea."

  Caecilius responded, as before, with sacred words which were new toAgellius: " 'Qui sperant in Domino mutabunt fortitudinem; assument pennas,sicut aquilae,' 'Sursum corda!' you must soar, Agellius."

  " 'Sursum corda!' " answered he; "I know those words. They are oldfriends; where have I heard them? I can't recollect; but they are in myearliest memories. Ah! but, my father, my heart is below, not above. Iwant to tell you all. I want to tell you about one who has enthralled myheart; who has divided it with my True Love. But I daren't speak of her,as I have said; I dare not speak, lest I be carried away. O, I blush tosay it; she is a heathen! May God save her soul! Will He come to me, andnot to her? 'Investigabiles viae ejus.' "

  He remained silent for some time; then he said, "Father, I mean todedicate myself to God, simply, absolutely, with His grace. I will be His,and He shall be mine. No one shall come between us. But O this weakheart!"

  "Keep your good resolves till you are stronger," said the priest. "It iseasy to make them on a sick-bed. You must first reckon the charges."

  Agellius smiled. "I know the passage, father," he said, and he repeatedthe sacred words: "If any man come to Me, and hate not his father andmother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and hisown life also, he cannot be My disciple."

  Another time Agellius said: "The Martyrs; surely the old bishop used tosay something about the Martyrs. He spoke of a second baptism, and calledit a baptism of blood; and said, 'Might his soul be with the Martyrs!'Father, would not this wash out every thing, as the first?"

  It was now Caecilius who smiled, and his eyes shone like the sapphires ofthe Holy City; and he seemed the ideal of him who, when

  "Called upon to face Some awful moment to which heaven has joined Great issues, good or bad for humankind, Is happy as a lover, and attired With sudden brightness, like a man inspired."

  However, he soon controlled himself, and said, "Quo ego vado, non potes memodo sequi; sequeris autem postea."