Goddess of Loss

by Jennifer Ellision

  I pulled my shoulders back and took in a deep breath as I climbed the stone steps to the hospital entrance. The reception area was quiet as I walked through. A woman at the desk desk looked up and smiled as I walked past, but let me go without comment. The only other person in the reception area was a man with his head in his hands. Judging by the ball of bloody tissues in his hands, he’d been in some sort of fight.

  The corridor to Jay’s room was empty and deathly silent. The lights were dimmed, and the usual hubbub of activity was absent due to the late hour. The nurses would be up soon checking the patients and delivering breakfasts, and then there’d be visitors. I preferred the quiet. It was the calm before the storm.

  Most people would have assumed my mother would head back to the castle when she realized I wasn’t coming back, but most people didn’t know my mother like I did. She knew me well, too, and would expect me to come and visit Jay before even thinking of going up to the castle.

  Outside Jay’s door, I breathed in again, ready for the tirade that I knew was coming. Holding my hand up to his door, I was about to push when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find my mother. My eyebrows shot up at about the same time that she held her finger to her lips to shush me. Taking my hand, she walked me to the room I’d been in while Jay was having his surgery. Empty cups littered the table, and a blanket rested on the sofa next to a pillow.

  “What happened?” I asked, panic filling me once again. “Is it Jay? Is he all right?”

  “He’s perfectly fine,” my mother whispered. “I couldn’t exactly sleep in there with him, so the hospital administrator offered me a room and a bed. When I told her I couldn’t possibly take a bed from a patient, I was offered a blanket instead. I figured you’d come back here, eventually.”

  “I’m sorry, I...”

  She took both my hands in hers. “Don’t. Just don’t. I don’t want to hear any more apologies. You have nothing to apologize for. I’ve kept you locked up for far too long, and I wouldn’t expect any less of you than to go out searching for your daughter. If it weren’t for the fact that your father is out looking for Fae and there’s no one but me to lead the kingdom at the moment, I’d be out on flying unicorns looking for her too.”

  She gave me a warm smile. It was so full of love that it brought tears to my eyes.

  “I didn’t find her. I didn’t find any trace of her.”

  She put her arm around my shoulder and sat me down on the sofa, pushing the blanket to one side. “I know. You wouldn’t have that look on your face if you did. You look exhausted. I think it’s about time we both went home and had a good night’s sleep. We’ll get all the maps of the kingdom out and plan a strategy of where you can go looking. I’m guessing that you’ll cover a lot of ground on a flying unicorn.”

  “You want me to go looking… alone?”

  “You’re so tired that you probably didn’t notice Williamson and Avery’s absence outside Jay’s room. They’re out looking for Fae too. They are needed far more out there than in here. Jay doesn’t need them, and neither do we. So yes, I expect you to go out alone and bring our girl back.”

  If I had any tears left to cry, I’d have been bawling, but I was cried out. The few droplets that managed to escape fell down over my cheeks.

  “What about Jay’s plan to send people to all the bars in Shipley and pretend to be down on their luck to capture Rumpelstiltskin?”

  “I think we both know it wasn’t the best of plans. We don’t have any people left to send out. They already are out; they’re looking for Fae.”

  I knew it. I was just surprised that she knew it. She’d been humoring Jay, just like me.

  I nodded. “I went to the strangers,” I said as I stood back up.

  “Who?”

  “The people that claimed to be my siblings. I went to see them. They practically foretold this. They knew something was going to happen.”

  She sighed deeply, as though she knew this was coming. “You are going to tell me that you want to go with them, aren’t you?”

  She didn’t seem upset. Weary maybe. She folded the blanket and laid it neatly on the sofa.

  “They have magic,” I said. “I felt Fae when I was with them. I think she’s magic too, or at least will be when she grows up.”

  “They spoke of magic, but you aren’t magic, Eliana.”

  I cast my eyes down to the ground. “I’ve been speaking to the unicorns… actually, speaking with them. They understand me. I can converse with them through my mind when they’re not nearby too. I’ve been able to do it since the day Fae was born. I thought I was going mad, but now I’m not so sure.”

  My mother didn’t even look surprised by this announcement. Maybe she was too tired to be surprised about anything anymore. “Come on. It looks like we have a lot of talking to do, but first, we both need sleep. You can visit Jay tomorrow. I’ll leave a message telling him you’re home safe.”

  I stifled a yawn. I’d never felt so exhausted in my whole life. The nights I’d stayed up feeding and cuddling Fae were nothing compared to this. I felt it in my bones, in my soul, like I could sleep for a thousand years and it wouldn’t be enough. Outside the hospital, it became apparent that all the guards had left my mother to search for Fae. Zacharina was our only way of getting home. My mother hoisted up her skirts and jumped on Zacharina’s back like a pro. I followed suit, and before long, we were in the air.

  Once home, I fell asleep in my clothes, not even bothering to undress for bed. Sleep came more quickly than I imagined it would, though it was filled with nightmares of Rumpelstiltskin grinning at me and snatching Fae away again and again. I woke covered in sweat, my heart beating wildly. Outside my window, a songbird announced the dawn. My eyelids were still heavy, and my body ached, but I knew that I wouldn’t get a real night of sleep until I held Fae in my arms again. I dragged myself out of bed and showered quickly before heading out of my room. It was strange to walk the corridors without guards watching my every move, especially Avery and Williamson, who had been at my side day in day out for so long. The castle was eerily quiet, reminiscent of the hospital the night before. Even the staff who cleaned and fetched and carried were going about their jobs in silence.

  I found my mother in the breakfast room. The strangers were with her, all seated around the table eating.

  “I didn’t realize you meant to leave so soon,” my mother said, passing me a plate. Tears were forming at the corner of her eyes. She’d spent her life waiting for the day her daughter would be snatched away from her, and here it was, just not in the way she’d expected. Because I was going freely. “Your, er... they knocked on the palace door about ten minutes ago. The least I could do was to offer them a warm meal before they left.”

  “I’ll come back,” I said quickly. “Once I’ve found Fae, I’ll bring her straight home.”

  She nodded and dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. “I know you will. I was just talking to your… siblings...”

  “Possible siblings,” Castiel corrected her. “We aren’t a hundred percent sure what our connection is yet.”

  “Possible siblings. They agree that your magic together is stronger than when you’re apart. I think that’s encouraging. I can’t say I know much about what is going on. I never took much stock in magic. My only dabbling in it led me into hot water, shall we say, and I’ve steered clear of it ever since. But I’d be foolish to think that you aren’t all connected to this somehow.”

  “That’s what we’re trying to find out,” Azia said, throwing a buttered bagel to Nyre, who was sitting on a seat of her own rather than someone’s shoulder.

  Nyre tossed her head back and opened her wide jaws to catch the bagel, swallowing it whole.

  “If Eliana is part of… this—” my mother waved her hand around the gathered guests “—whatever it is, I’d at least like to know what you know and what your plans are.”

  Azia was the one to speak first. “Our magical powers seem to be coming in at different rates
, starting after we all turned eighteen. Mine was the first. After me, Blaise found her powers. They’re affecting the adopted sons and daughters of the leaders in order.”

  “What order?”

  “Alphabetical, strangely enough. Whoever named us did it alphabetical order, so I was the first to find my abilities, and I was the first whose kingdom was affected by the bad magic.”

  “Bad magic?” Deon said, raising an eyebrow.

  “Whatever it is. We don’t know yet. Each of us has had problems come back from our past. For you, it was Rumpelstiltskin, but each of us is battling a different foe. Around the time of our births, a whole load of witches, imps, faeries, whatever, were all defeated. Peace came to the kingdoms. We happened to turn up on everyone’s doorsteps a bit later. That’s our only connection.”

  “And the golden eyes,” I reminded her.

  “Yes. We can guess from the pattern which kingdom will experience a magical malady malady next.”

  “Prince Fallon of Aboria,” Blaise added. “He is the son of the king and queen there. His name begins with F, and the photos we’ve seen of him show he has eyes like ours.”

  “Then Princess Gaia of Badalah, I assume?” my mother said. “I met her once. She was very young then. I can’t say I noticed her golden eyes, but then, she did have them in a book the entire visit.”

  “Actually, we’re mostly going to see Fallon because we have to pass through Aboria on the way to Urbis,” Azia said. “Urbis is our final destination. I’m sure of it.”

  My mother regarded the information. “And you think Fae is there?”

  “I don’t know for sure, but I believe so. I think Fae was taken because Rumpelstiltskin couldn’t get Eliana, or Eliana wasn’t interesting enough to him anymore now that he could take her baby. I wish I could tell you more, but we’re piecing the whole thing together as we go. I feel that this is moving so quickly that whatever is going on will come to a head before the year is out.”

  “It’s only May,” I said, feeling bile rise in my throat. “Fae is only weeks old. The end of the year is over six months away.”

  “I’m sorry. I hope I’m wrong,” Azia said, lowering her eyes. “We’ve been trying to cut this magic off before it hits, which is why we can’t waste any time getting to Aboria. Maybe if we can cut it off, it won’t get as far as Urbis.”

  “You don’t believe that, though, do you?” I said.

  She shook her head. “I think we were born in Urbis, and I think that this whole thing had to do with our birth somehow. It’s ridiculous to think that there are twelve siblings, but...”

  “Twelve?” My mother sat forward in her chair.

  “There are twelve kingdoms. We’ve been researching as best we can on the road and pooling our information. Some kingdoms have presidents or other rulers, but this is what we know. If we discount the five of us here, you next have Prince Fallon in Aboria then, as you said, Princess Gaia in Badalah. There is no prince or princess whose name begins with H as far as we can tell, but President Alice of The Forge has twin daughters. One is called Pearl, and one is called Ivy which gives us our letter I.”

  “Twins? How does that work if we’re siblings?” I asked. “Unless Pearl was renamed at some point and originally was called Helen or Heather or something. But why would the two women drop two babies there?”

  Azia shrugged. “I don’t know. The leader of Oz had a number of children, but we haven’t managed to find out too much about them.”

  “There’s a princess Kelis in Enchantia. I’ve met her,” Blaise interrupted. “We don’t know if she’s adopted, though. She might not know herself. I didn’t know I was adopted before this all started.”

  “What about Skyla?” my mother asked. “It’s the one kingdom you’ve not mentioned. Do they have someone there who fits in this?”

  “No,” Azia replied, batting Nyre away from her plate where she was trying to steal a jam tart. “Skyla is a weird kingdom. Half of it is comprised of islands in the sea and the other half is islands that float in the air, but there’s no royal family as such.”

  “We aren’t going to Skyla!” I said quickly, turning my eyes to Azia. “It’s the opposite direction to Urbis. You said you thought Fae was in Urbis.”

  Azia shrugged. “Our plans aren’t set in stone. We’re taking everything one day at a time.”

  “Even so, we should be going!” Castiel huffed, throwing his napkin down on his empty plate.

  “Now?” my mother asked. I saw the fear in her eyes. This was the moment she’d been dreading her entire life.

  “Not yet.” I wasn’t trying to put off our goodbyes, but I hadn’t packed. I hadn’t said farewell to Jay. “I need to pack… I need to...”

  “I’ll ask the staff to pack you a bag,” my mother said. “Judging by what the rest of you are carrying, you’ll be traveling light. I’ll have a servant bring it to the hospital so you can say your goodbyes to Jay. Can I offer you some assistance? I can’t lend you a horse and carriage because all our horses are out with guards looking for Fae, but. I could contact the Urbis Express and ask for an airship.”

  “Thank you,” Deon said. “Unfortunately, we need to lie low. We usually travel by night, but just outside of Shipley, we’ve found a route that doesn’t pass through any major towns or cities. We can walk through the day when it’s light and camp at night.”

  “Camp?” My mother slid her eyes to me. She knew that I’d not spent a night away from my own bed in my whole life.

  “I can camp,” I said.

  “Of course you can.”

  She put her arm around my shoulder as the others stood up from the table. Azia, Blaise, and Deon walked out, with Castiel following behind after stuffing his bag with the leftover bagels. Nyre flew over his head and landed on Azia’s shoulder.

  “I have to say goodbye to someone,” I told them. I can’t go without seeing him.”

  Azia put a hand on my shoulder. “We all had someone we said goodbye to. How about you meet us at the inn in an hour?”

  They left me there in the entrance hall to the castle with only my mother. The few servants that weren’t out searching for Fae were nowhere to be seen. My insides were as empty as the castle. I’d never felt more bereft in my life.

  “I’m sorry I’m leaving,” I said, finally breaking down.

  Mother pulled me into a hug. “I’m only sorry your father isn’t here to say goodbye to you too.”

  “I hate leaving you.”

  “For the longest time I’ve kept you here. I won’t do it anymore. You’re a grown woman, and for that matter, so am I. I’ve always been so scared of losing you.” She pushed a lock of hair from my face and swiped it behind my ear. “But now that you’re going, I’m proud. Proud how you’ve turned out, proud of the daughter I brought up. Once you find Fae, I’ll never try and force you to stay here with me again. I won’t make you travel with guards, and I’ll never ever tell you how to live your life.”

  I kissed her cheeks, tasting the salt from her tears.

  “When I find Fae, I’ll be bringing her back here. This is her home. It’s my home. I hope it will always be our home.”

  She held me tight, almost squeezing the breath out of me.

  Saying goodbye to my mother was one thing, but I knew saying goodbye to Jay was going to be infinitely harder.

  Zacharina flew me to Shipley, over the heads of my maybe-siblings as they walked down the road from the castle.

  Jay was sitting up in bed, eating breakfast when I entered. When he saw me, his eyes lit up, but then I saw the light flicker and die when he saw Fae wasn’t with me. He put his breakfast tray to the side.

  “I hoped you’d come back with her,” he said plainly.

  I sat on the bed next to him, careful not to knock his legs. “I hoped that too. There is still no word.”

  He took my hand in his. His face was a picture of anguish. He really loved that little girl, almost as much as I did.

  “I have something to tell you
,” I began, not sure how to finish the sentence.

  “About Fae?”

  I stroked the back of his hand with my finger as my heart ached. He was already feeling the worst he’d ever felt, and here I was, about to add to his pain.

  “Kind of. I went to see the strangers, my siblings, last night.”

  Jay nodded at my words.

  “Their magic… my magic... I felt Fae.”

  He sat up straighter. “Felt her? How?”

  “I don’t understand it. I guess my mother will fill you in.”

  “Why don’t you tell me now?”

  “Jay… I’m leaving. I’m going with them.”

  I held my breath as I watched the expression on his face. It didn’t crumble as expected, but there was a weariness to it, as though he had expected something like this to happen.

  “Lay with me,” I said when he didn’t speak.

  He flinched as he moved back on the bed, giving me just enough space to lie next to him.

  He kissed me in such a way that brought sorrow into my very soul. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see, but I could feel the wetness of tears, taste the salt on our lips. I didn’t even know who was crying. Perhaps it was both of us. As he held me close, I had a flicker of what might have been. We shouldn’t be like this, squeezed onto a hospital bed, my daughter missing, with me about to leave the kingdom, my family, and the man I loved. I wasn’t ready for this adventure. I wanted nothing more than to sink into Jay’s arms and stay in that bed forever, blocking the whole world and all of its problems out.

  But I couldn’t. If it wasn’t for Fae, I might have… I probably would have. But Fae was everything. My whole body ached to have her beside me. My breasts, full of milk, pained me, and beneath them, my heart was squeezed vice-like in the most pain I’d ever known.

  “I have to go,” I said, my voice so choked up it was barely audible. But Jay didn’t need to hear my words. He knew what I was saying.

  “I wish I could come with you.”