The diffidence that had once enchanted me now felt like a betrayal. He edged towards me and cupped my breasts, as if they intrigued rather than enticed him. I longed to caress his chest, now glistening a silvery white, but, mindful of Mother's words that my body belonged to him, not his to me, I lay inert. Suddenly – shockingly – he rolled on top of me and, giving me no time to recover, pulled apart my legs, which instinctively resisted. The challenge appeared to excite him and he prised me open, although it felt more like tearing the meat from a bone than breaking a seal. I felt a sharp cramp and then nothing as, with a cry like a wounded animal, he rolled off me and banged his head three times on the wall.
Lonely and bewildered, I wondered what had happened. Was this all that there was to be between us? If so, Mother had made too much of the pain and Merab of the pleasure. I peered at David, who sat with his head in his hands. He picked up a knife from the floor.
‘No!’ I screamed.
‘Are you mad?’ he asked, with a note of contempt. ‘Do you think I mean to murder you?’
‘No... I don’t know... I don’t know what I know.’
‘They need to see blood. Or do you want to humiliate me twice over?’ Leaving me none the wiser, he stabbed his palm and let the blood drip on the sheet. ‘It will be dry by morning. You’ll say nothing to your mother or the other women, understand?’ I nodded as if it were daytime. ‘Understand?’
‘Yes.’
I lay awake, trying to silence my breathing, an effort compounded by the knowledge that he was doing the same. It was as if the least sound might force us to recognize our separateness when we had expected to celebrate our union. At first light he leapt out of bed, threw on his tunic and left the chamber without a word. I slipped on my robe and dithered at the door, unsure whether to follow him and tell Hamdan, the Ammonite bondwoman, to prepare food and drink. He returned while I was still undecided and examined the sheet. Satisfied, he pulled it off the bed.
‘Things will be better, I promise,’ he said, with surprising tenderness. He left the room and I listened as he went outside to hang up the sheet. It drew a smattering of applause from passers-by or, for all I knew, people who had waited there all night. Shortly afterwards, our newly allied brothers arrived to take him hunting. While his brothers greeted me respectfully and the twins made comments that as usual were intelligible only to themselves, Jonathan folded up the sheet to keep as evidence should David ever decide to divorce me, a prospect that he laughed off as loudly as the rest but which no longer felt so remote to me.
The hunters returned for the evening feast, after which David led me home. Once again, he put out the lamp, peeled off his tunic and slipped into bed. Once again, he thrust open my thighs with a roughness that quickened his passion. Once again, he had barely entered me when he broke off. Bruised in mind and body, I had no chance to talk to him since he left with his companions at break of day. I knew that I mustn’t complain since it’d been the same for Merab, although I doubted that she had lain awake all night, desperate for Adriel's embrace. To add to my misery, the rings under my eyes were taken by one and all as evidence of his ardour. Even the bondwomen, severed from their husbands, smiled as they served my food and joked to each other in their own language, which for once Mother let pass. My loneliness grew so acute that, on the fourth night, heedless of the immodesty, I confronted him.
‘Do you have another woman?’
‘What?’
‘In Bethlehem or even here. Father has Rizpah. I’m not supposed to know about her but I do.’
‘No, not at all! You mustn’t think that. You’re the only one. My first.’ As he stumbled over the words, I stifled a cry of relief. So I hadn’t disappointed him. This warrior, who had killed a multitude of Philistines, hadn’t known a single woman. His admission emboldened me and I leant across and kissed him, first on the lips, then on the neck, and then on the chest. He lay unmoving, as I let my hand slide down his steely stomach to the softness between his legs. Then that too hardened, and I felt a mixture of excitement and dread. With a sound between a whoop and a yelp, he sprang on top of me. He took hold of my hair and spread it over my face like a veil. He clasped both my wrists in his left hand and opened my legs with his right. I bit my lip, desperate not to deter him. He entered me and at last I understood Mother's warning about the pain. He bore into me as if he were dispatching an enemy, but I willed him on. Suddenly I felt all his muscles tense, including the one inside me. He fell back with a shout of ‘Yes,’ although I hadn’t spoken. I became aware of a strange odour, both metallic and salty, and a dampness between my thighs. As I tested it with my finger, I saw that it was blood. I couldn’t tell if it were my blood or his blood or the seeds that were in his blood, but I didn’t care since I knew that it was a balm, not a threat.
Hamdan perceived my delight at once when she brought in my morning basin of water. She beamed, as though recalling her own wedding night, and I was touched that this Ammonite woman, who had seen her own husband ripped from her arms, should set aside her grief and resentment to rejoice with me. Jonathan was less gracious when he came to fetch David for another day's sport, only to find him lingering over a cup of buttermilk.
‘I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you,’ he said, in response to a revealing yawn. ‘No doubt you’d prefer to loll in bed supping from the bridal bowl.’
Blushing, David jumped up and followed him out with barely a glance at me, but I wasn’t offended. Something had changed between us, which couldn’t be undone. The rest of the festivities passed in a blur, my senses honed solely at night when we were alone together. At the end of the week, his family returned to Bethlehem. Given the constant tension between Father and David, their prompt departure was understandable. Only Jonadab appeared to think that his uncle's discomfort mattered less than his own proximity to the king. He begged to stay, even proposing himself as armour-bearer to Ishbaal, who had yet to draw a sword, but he had to be satisfied with his father's promise to bring him back in the spring. I was relieved that David's duty to Father kept us in Gibeah, since a week of Nizebeth's chilly composure had cured me of any desire to live under her roof. More than once she seemed ready to confide in me (doubtless about some childhood feat of David's), only to think again. However much I enjoyed hearing his virtues extolled, I preferred to discover them for myself.
Married life soon established its own rhythm, one too rich to be called a routine. Apart from a brief foray into Gad to crush an Ammonite incursion, David remained in Gibeah, passing his days either in the countryside with Jonathan or at his lyre. I relished the music, as perfect and pure as bird-song, but knew better than to say so after my compliments distressed him so much that he threatened to give up playing. Since we took our evening meal with my parents, I had little food to prepare and, when not at my loom, I was at a loss how to fill my time. So I paid regular visits to Hodiah, who had mellowed since falling pregnant. She even maintained that it was me she had to thank for it.
‘How?’ I asked in bemusement.
‘When you’re with David, Jonathan comes home to me. I waited so long: I never thought it would happen. I pray to the Lord that it will be easier for you.’
The imminent birth served to reconcile Father and Jonathan. It heartened me that a woman's belly should be the bridge between two such headstrong men, and I hoped that mine would be the same for Father and David. The desire for a child consumed me. It would be the testament to my love for David. It would perpetuate the bond that dissolved as soon as he spent his seed. His vehemence was not in doubt. After the first desolate days, he lay with me every night that I was clean. I learnt the distinction between happiness and pleasure as he pushed himself (and me) as hard as if he were wrestling with Jonathan. Like Hodiah, I prayed to the Lord to make me fruitful but, on Mother's advice, I also prayed to Ashtoreth, the goddess of conception, placing her grandmother's idol in my chamber. David objected that its presence was an affront to the Lord, but for once I stood firm. So we compromised by setti
ng it behind a curtain.
My hope that Father would relent towards his new son-in-law wasn’t realised. He made a show of friendship, seating him at his table with Jonathan and Abner, but no one, least of all David himself, was deceived. ‘Every time he looks at me, I feel as if he's searching for a hidden weapon,’ he said, as we returned home one night. In the event, it was Father who used a weapon against him. I was with Mother, two of my aunts and Hodiah, trying to lull the newborn Meribaal, when Jonathan, red with fury, and David, white with fear, burst into the chamber.
‘Father isn’t possessed of one evil spirit but an army,’ Jonathan said, ignoring his mewling son. ‘We were listening to David play – beautifully,’ he added, as though that alone should have mollified Father. ‘Then, without warning, Father grabbed a spear from one of the guards and aimed it at David. If he hadn’t recoiled – ’
‘I didn’t,’ David interposed. ‘A mouse ran across the floor. It distracted me.’ I vowed never again to disparage vermin. ‘We should go home,’ he said to me. ‘Who knows what your father's capable of in this state?’
‘No,’ I said, surprising myself by my resolve. ‘I shall go to him. You’re my husband. I must put an end to this wickedness and convince him that you’re not a threat.’
‘Don’t interfere!’ Mother said. ‘You’ll make things worse.’
‘What do you suppose you can do that I’ve not already tried?’ Jonathan asked.
‘No, Michal's right,’ David said. ‘The king isn’t thinking clearly. So maybe he’ll listen to her.’
Fortified by his words, I entered Father's chamber, to find him sprawled on the floor, face and hair soaked in sweat, with Abner leaning over him, trying to coax him up. I approached him warily, reminding myself that wounded lions could still pounce.
‘Father, it hurts me so much to see you like this.’
‘Michal, little Michal, you’re the only one who loves me.’
‘That's not true. We all love you: Jonathan; Merab; the twins; David.’
Abner's grimace showed me that it was too soon to have mentioned David; Father's shriek confirmed it.
‘No! He deceives you as he deceives your brother, as he deceives Abner. I alone see him for what he is.’
‘Believe me, Father, David loves you.’
‘No, he loves only this.’ He scrambled across the floor and grabbed the crown from his bed, pressing it so tightly on his head that it bit into his flesh.
‘That's not true.’
‘I say it is! I’m your father. The only man you should trust.’
‘He's my husband. I love him.’
‘Not for much longer.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I should never have permitted him to marry you. It's your brother who's to blame. But don’t worry, I’ll set you free.’
‘I don’t want to be free. I am free!’
‘You should go now, Michal,’ Abner interjected.
‘No, stay! Here, with the father who loves you. Before the night's out, you’ll be rid of him forever.’
‘Then I must return home at once,’ I replied, appalled by words that required no explanation. ‘Or David will suspect. He’ll foil your plans.’
‘Of course. Clever girl! Go, go now! What are you waiting for? Go!’
Needing no encouragement, I fled from both the chamber and the house. I trusted that the gathering darkness would shroud me as I ran like a fugitive through the streets, arriving to find David waiting in the courtyard. Before I could utter a word, he launched a bitter attack on my family.
‘What do you want from me? It's not enough to vanquish his enemies, but I have to prove to your father that I love him. It's not enough that we’ve made a sacred vow, but I have to prove to your brother that I love him. It's not enough that I’ve married you, but I have to prove to you night after night that I love you.’
‘I thought you were proving that to yourself,’ I said, in a voice as small as I felt.
‘What do you mean?’
‘There's no time. You must escape. Father intends to take your life. I don’t know how, but from what he said, the guards may be coming for you tonight.’
‘Where can I go? There's no way out. The main gate's locked and bolted.’
‘But not our chamber window.’ I gave thanks that the house was built against the city wall. ‘You can jump out.’
‘On to the dunghill?’
‘It will break your fall.’
‘It's eight cubits high.’
‘Quick! Go upstairs and tie the bedsheets together. I’ll lower you.’
‘You’ll never bear my weight.’
‘Hamdan will help.’ I called into the storeroom. The bondwoman appeared, her usual blank expression augmented by her bleary eyes. ‘Come upstairs please!’
She followed us to the chamber where, with David wavering, I set her to knotting the sheets.
‘What's the use?’ David asked. ‘Even if I hit the ground without breaking my neck, the guards will soon catch up with me.’
Each demurral made me more determined. ‘I’ll put Hamdan in the bed – under the cover. If the guards come, I’ll say she's – you’re – sick. I’ll warn them not to get too close. They won’t return till morning. By then you’ll be far away.’
‘Are you mad? Look at her!’
I gazed at the vast woman with thighs the size of his chest and was seized by panic. At which point, inspiration struck. ‘Of course,’ I said, pulling back the curtain. ‘We’ll use the idol. Then if the guards come, Hamdan can let them in. Now go! Go on, go!’ Suddenly, my pain at our separation swamped my relief at his escape. ‘Promise to send for me as soon as you’re safe. I’ll join you wherever you are. No matter where.’
David climbed on to Hamdan's shoulders and hauled himself up to the window. Hamdan and I clung to the sheet as he edged himself out. I suppressed the stabbing pain in my spine, content to know that each tug brought him a step nearer to freedom. All at once the sheet sagged and I heard a dull splash. I clambered on to the bondwoman's back, less deftly than David, and, taking hold of the window ledge, looked out to see him emerge unscathed from the dunghill. I seemed to scent his disgust as he shook and scraped the muck from his face and hands. Assured of his safety, I asked Hamdan to help me down and we set about untying the sheets. Together, we laid the idol in the bed, turning it on its front where the hips looked narrowest and the breasts were concealed. In a flash of inspiration, I plucked some of the stuffing from a pillow and arranged it on the stone head. Although red rather than black, David's hair was as thick and wild as the goat's, which, as long as no one held a lamp too close, would enhance the likeness. How gratifying that the goddess he’d scorned should have come to his rescue! My fear that she might object to my appropriation of her image vanished when I realised that, since I would be unable to conceive if David were dead, I was also honouring her.
We had barely restored the room when an urgent knocking at the gate confirmed my suspicions. We hurried downstairs, where Hamdan, more bewildered than ever, let in a troop of eight guards. His bluster accentuating his unease, the captain demanded to see David.
‘He's ill in bed and can’t be disturbed. I’ve given him a draught of henbane to help him sleep.’
‘My orders are to take him to the king.’
‘I am the king's daughter and will answer for any offence.’
After a moment's hesitation, he gathered his men and left. I led Hamdan up to my chamber where, staggering under its weight, which appeared to have doubled during its brief removal, we returned the idol to its niche. Exhausted, I collapsed on to the bed, only to be woken at first light by renewed banging at the gate. This time I opened it myself, to be confronted by Father.
‘Where is this man who's so sick that he disregards a summons from his king?’
‘He's gone.’
‘Gone?’
‘Left. Run away. Escaped your wrath.’
His face was so menacing that I didn’t need to fei
gn my sobs. Grabbing my arm and ordering his men to follow, he dragged me up the stairs. I narrowly escaped tripping over my robe as we entered the empty chamber. He tore down the curtain as though expecting to find a tremulous David, but what he found instead inflamed his fury.
‘What's this?’
‘It's from Mother. The goddess Ash – ’
‘I know what it is! So you pray to this worthless idol. What are you and your mother trying to do to me? Do you want the Lord to abandon me forever?’
I saw that, whatever else might divide them, Father and David were as one in their fear of the Lord. ‘But if the Lord has no time for women's concerns...’
‘Then they must renounce them.’ With the strength that both impressed and terrified me, Father grabbed the idol and, his back and knees barely buckling, tipped it over the balustrade into the courtyard. As it shattered, I felt my hopes of conception shatter with it.
Father lurched forward and, for a moment, I was afraid that he’d throw me after it.
‘Why?’ he asked, the anger in his voice replaced by pain. ‘Why did you lie to the soldiers?’
‘He threatened to kill me.’
‘They would have protected you.’
‘I couldn’t be sure. The men love him so much. I was frightened that they’d revolt and follow him. I was thinking of you.’
He looked at me as if he wanted to believe me, which hurt more than if he’d struck me. Then his face became flint and his voice venom. ‘No. You were thinking only of him. But you’ll pay for it. You are not to leave this house, do you hear? No one is to come or go without my permission. I’ll teach you to disobey me!’
The full nature of the lesson became clear over the following weeks. Cut off from the world, I paced the courtyard as if it were a cell. I wove a cover for my bed and a robe that I feared I should never have occasion to wear. Hamdan borrowed David's lyre and taught me some Ammonite songs, but my voice was so much weaker than hers that I lost heart. From time to time I heard a ruckus in the streets, but the walls were too thick for me to ascertain the cause. Hamdan went back and forth to the well but, although her language resembled ours, she claimed not to understand a word that the women said. It was her revenge for years of servitude and I had no redress. Then at last I received a visitor and, barring one, nobody could have been more welcome. Bribing the guards, Jonathan entered the house and brought me news of David.
The Anointed Page 5
