by Nikki Lane
“Come on, Jacob. Let’s both be honest here.” I turned my head away just long enough to wipe away a few escapees.
He furrowed his brows and threw back the hood of his sweater, revealing his unkempt hair. “Honest about what?”
“You know just as well as me that this wasn’t going to last forever.” I crossed my arms over my chest, the cold air starting to seep into my pores. “I’m not going to quit my job, and you’re not going to spend the rest of your life with a girl like me.” My body trembled as it fought against the emotion bubbling inside of me. I had to do this. “It just isn’t going to work.”
“Just admit it, Maeve. You’re afraid.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Going out with me in the first place, being my girlfriend, even picking your major…the thought of committing to something, anything, terrifies you!”
I stayed silent and gently shook my head.
“Just say it,” he said a little softer.
“I don’t commit because I don’t want to…I’m not afraid of anything. I’m the girl you want right now, not forever. Just do yourself a favor and stay away from me.”
He shoved his hands back into his jeans, his head turned down. “Seems like you’ve got it all figured it out then.” He hitched his chin up to look at me. “I thought you knew me better than that.” He unzipped his hoodie and took it off. He swung the sweater over my shoulders. “And I thought I knew you better, too.”
He took a few steps backwards before turning around and walking away.
I stood in the parking lot for another few minutes, trying to catch my breath while I fell into a blubbering mess.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I still wasn’t used to coming home to an empty apartment. Well, technically, it wasn’t completely empty. Mischa was always at my feet to greet me. I threw my car keys on the coffee table and plopped down on the couch. Mischa leapt into my lap and settled into a purring bundle as I stroked her back.
I jumped when my cellphone rang. I swiped it off the table to check the caller ID before answering.
“Hi, Aunt Meg.” I hoped I didn’t sound as disappointed as I felt.
“Hi, sweetie. How are things?”
I looked around the quiet room. “Fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
“Have you heard from him?”
I knew the question was coming. She’d asked every time she called, which was becoming more and more frequently. But it still stung, even now. “It’s been two months. What makes you think I’ve heard from him?”
“He was here the other day, helping Uncle Jim with one of the calves. I thought maybe he might have called.”
I sat straight up. Mischa jumped from my lap onto the couch. “What? Is he staying with you?”
“No, dear. He was just here for a few hours.”
“Well, did he say where he was staying?”
“No, I’m sorry. I tried but…he didn’t want to talk much.”
I slumped back. “That’s okay.”
“Are you studying for finals?”
My books were sprawled on the carpet, some opened, others closed. I hadn’t looked at them in a week. “Yep.”
“That’s good, dear. Your uncle and I are so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Aunt Meg. How’s Kasey?”
It’d been a few days since our last text conversation.
“She’s fine. New medicine seems to have finally settled down her asthma. It’s been almost three weeks with no attack.”
“That’s good,” I said.
“She hasn’t stopped talking about what you promised her.”
Kasey had been obsessed with going to the beach ever since Jacob’s successful attempt to calm her down.
I switched the phone to the other ear. “Only if she does well in school. No exceptions.”
“I keep reminding her,” Aunt Meg said.
She promised to call again if Jacob came back to the farm. But I knew she’d call again in a few days, even if he hadn’t. My father had been released from jail, and Aunt Meg was terrified he would try to find me. What made an already crappy situation worse was that Jacob wasn’t here to ease her worrying.
After I ended the call, I surveyed the books I’d been ignoring. It was almost impossible to study here, especially in Jacob’s spot. I had tried to go over my notes and study guides, but my mind would drift within minutes of reading, and the information was never absorbed, no matter how many times I reread it.
An impulsive urge hit me. I shot up from the couch, scooped the books off the floor, and shoved them into my bag. I had a few hours to kill before work, and the walls of my apartment felt like they were closing in on me. I needed to go somewhere to concentrate, somewhere I wouldn’t be distracted. A place where other people would be busy doing the same thing.
I hustled over to the library, negotiating the huge puddles from the lingering rain over the last few days. With finals approaching, I guess everyone had the same idea as me because finding an empty table was proving difficult. I gave up on the first floor and climbed the stairs to the second. I passed a few tables overcrowded with study groups before coming upon an unoccupied table up against the wall. I trotted toward it and didn’t waste time sprawling out my books. Maybe if I made it look like there were more people sitting here I could keep the table all for myself.
I grabbed my notes and study guides, let out a deep breath, and forced myself to focus on the words. Every other sentence, my eyes would sweep upwards and scan the area. Why was I still having trouble concentrating? The room was mostly quiet except for the murmuring from the group sitting across from me. Did I think the library would magically make it easier for me to study? I glanced behind my shoulder and saw the reference section. The memory of making out with Jacob against the old books flashed through my mind.
I slunk back in my seat. Okay…so maybe I had other motives for being there. Two months without hearing from Jacob, and I was just about losing my mind. I whipped out my cellphone and started to text him. But just like every other time I had tried, I deleted all the words and tucked the phone back into my bag. What was there to say? I had pushed him out of my life, and he was probably better off for it.
I straightened my posture and looked down at my notes.
Focus, Maeve.
I’d gotten through the first page, feeling confident that I remembered more than I’d thought, when the low chatter from the next table got a little louder. I peered over at the group mostly made of guys and two girls. I recognized one as the girl who had been with Rich on New Year’s Eve. Her mouth was moving, and I wished I could read lips. A few heads snuck looks my way. I buried my head in my book, trying to pretend I didn’t notice them.
Maybe I should have gotten up and left, but I didn’t. I settled even firmer in the seat, almost as if someone were going to try and pull me out of it. I took a deep breath in through my nose and then out. If I just paid them no mind, then everything would be all right. I was here to study, just like them. Why would my presence here be any concern of theirs?
I heard the scoot of a chair against the weathered hardwood floors.
Don’t look up. Don’t look up. Don’t look up.
The approaching footsteps were in sync with my pounding heartbeat.
“Excuse me,” a deep voice said.
I kept my eyes on the book I’d been pretending to read, my fingers creasing the corner of the page over and over.
I looked up but didn’t say anything, trying to push out all the confidence I had and hoping I looked more stoic than I felt.
“You’re Maeve, right?” He leaned his hands on the chair across the table. “Do you mind if I sit?”
I shrugged. “Free country.”
He pulled out the chair and sat down. The table he’d come from had become noticeably quiet. I knew this wasn’t just a friendly hello from a random hot guy.
“Studying for finals?” he said.
“Trying to.”
He smiled, r
evealing two deep dimples on his cheeks. “Me, too. But finding it kind of hard.”
“Why is that?” I finally summoned enough courage to look him in the eye.
“Too many distractions.”
“In the library?” My gaze darted around the room. “Find that hard to believe.”
I caught the glance he stole at the other table. “Not when there’s a hot girl sitting so close.”
I folded my hands over the book in front of me. “I’m flattered, really, but I’m just trying to study.”
He held up his hands. “That’s cool. I understand.” He got up from his chair and pushed it in. “Just one more thing, though…me and my boys have been here for a few hours”—he pulled out his wallet from his back pocket—“and could use a little entertainment. We were wondering if maybe you could get on top of this table and put on a little show.” The money he flicked fluttered in front of me. “What do you think?”
Snickers echoed from the other table. I bolted up from my seat, and it felt like my heart dropped to my stomach.
I snatched my things off the desk and crammed them into my bag, not even bothering to zip it up. The guy who’d been sent over to ridicule me made his way back to the group with a satisfied smirk on his face.
I threw the bag over my shoulder. My cheeks burned, and I hoped that my face didn’t give away the humiliation that was searing through me like some hot iron snake. I didn’t run. I wanted to. Sprinting wouldn’t have been fast enough for me. But I forced each foot to take deliberate steps out of the room. I could run eventually…just not now. Not in front of them. I would run because I wanted to, not because a group of assholes decided they’d get off on making a fool out of me.
I made it out of the room and into the stairwell, but relief hadn’t come. An invisible vise was snug around my throat. I thought when I was alone it would loosen. I scurried down the steps and slid down a few when my feet couldn’t keep up with my pace.
I’d reached the ground floor, and still the vise hadn’t slackened. I cupped a clammy hand around my neck just to make sure there wasn’t something there. Nothing but my bare skin.
I avoided all eye contact walking toward the library doors. It felt like everyone knew now. Everyone was able to judge, make their assumptions. Tears pricked my eyes, but I blinked them back in time. I was stronger than that. At least, I always hoped I was. I’d seen and heard way worse shit than what was thrown at me upstairs. Why was someone I didn’t even know able to tear me down so quickly?
Through the oversized windows, the gray clouds promised to purge on my walk home.
I trotted toward the exit, hoping the open air would induce the deep breath I was craving. Rain started to pelt down, blurring the glass of the double doors. Someone pulled the door open, and I kept my gaze plastered to the floor, waiting for them to walk through.
“Maeve?”
I could feel the vise relax at the sound of the familiar voice. I looked up to see Jacob on the other side of the open door.
I didn’t see Taylor until she walked through the door. All I could do was stare at Jacob. He’d shaved his scruff and his hair was shorn close to his head. His hazel eyes widened as his gaze fluttered around my face.
“Are you okay?” he said, letting the door close behind him.
“I-I’m fine.”
A roll of thunder reverberated from outside.
Taylor cleared her throat. “We better get started on studying, baby.”
She put extra emphasis on the word “baby,” and I internally cringed, my insides twisting.
Jacob kept his eyes on me. “Why don’t you go find a table then,” he said to Taylor. “I’ll meet you upstairs.”
She glanced at me and huffed before walking toward the elevators.
“What happened, Maeve?” he said.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I have to go.” I took a few steps backwards before walking outside. Raindrops kissed my face.
“Maeve, wait!” Jacob cried from behind me. The rain came down a little harder.
I didn’t turn around, but my pace slowed. He reached for my hand. The sensation of holding his hand sent daggers through my chest. This pain was just too much. Unbearable. It felt like I could crack apart at any minute.
“I have to go, Jacob,” I said, stealing a look his way. I freed my hand from his and decided that now would be a good time to run.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I lay in bed, still wearing my leotard and tights, gazing at the black rock of my mood ring. The night Jacob had won it for me, the ring had been green, which meant a normal mood. Neutral, I’d say. Whenever I’d run away from home, it’d turn gray—anxious. At the farm, helping Aunt Meg or playing with Jacob at the lake, it would always be blue—calm. The day Jacob left for Florida, the ring had faded to black. And it hadn’t changed since—not until Jacob came back. It was like the ring could sense his presence.
I had planned on catching a ballet class but hadn’t been able to muster the motivation to leave the apartment. Make that my bedroom. I checked the time on my phone. If I left in a few minutes, I could still make it on time.
I checked my text messages and pressed Jacob’s thread. It wasn’t a thread, really. Just one message. I had deleted the ones prior. Shortly after I had the worst trip to the library ever, he’d sent me one message after I hadn’t answered his one and only call. I couldn’t. It had been the first time in almost two months that we’d been that close to one another. I’d spot him on campus from time to time, and sometimes we’d even made eye contact, but only for a few seconds before one of us would look away. It was usually me first.
I had avoided the library in an effort to prevent another run-in with him. It was his favorite spot to study, after all. I had been asking for it to happen when I showed up there yesterday to study for finals. But maybe, that had been my plan. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what I was doing.
I slid my finger over his message and hit the delete button. Reading it again for the millionth time wasn’t doing me any good.
I rolled off the bed with a groan and trudged through the room. I’d been leaving the apartment for only two things these last two days—to go to class and to pick up takeout or make a trip to the corner store.
By the time I made it to the dance studio, my mood had gotten a little lighter. The owner of the studio was a vet tech by day who worked with Jacob. She’d let me take the classes à la carte at a discounted rate. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed being in the dance studio. The teacher wasn’t any older than me, but I wasn’t there to learn anything new. I was just there to settle my head from all the things that awaited me as soon as I stepped back out into the world.
When class was over, I didn’t bother to change out of my leotard and just switched from dance shoes to sneakers. I glanced up while tying my laces when I noticed Billy coming my way.
“Hey, Maeve,” she said, sitting down next to me. She’d already let her dark hair loose from its tight bun.
“Hey.” I smiled back and slipped my foot into the other shoe.
“Great job tonight.”
“Thanks. It was a lot of fun.”
“You really looked like you knew what you’re doing.”
I shrugged. “You looked a little overwhelmed.”
“I’m not really great with the little ones.”
Shelby had quickly learned the group of four- and five-year-olds, who had to join our group when their teacher quit without any notice, had a very limited attention span. I tried my best to help keep the littler ones occupied so that the teenagers weren’t so bored.
I crossed one leg over the other to tie the laces. “I’ve been dancing since I was little.”
She nodded. “You’re really great with the other girls.”
I smiled again, sensing she was beating around the bush. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, upbeat. She scanned the room. “Actually…I wanted to ask you something.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
<
br /> I leaned in closer to make out what she was about to say.
“Could you…I mean, would you mind…filling in next week…as a teacher?”
I swayed back. “What?”
“Just for this one class.” She kneaded her hands in her lap. “It’s the five-, six-, and seven-year-olds. It’s only an hour. Twice a week.”
I shook my head. “I’ve never taught—”
“You’re a natural. I know you know what to do. I can’t find anyone else to fill in on such short notice. And I totally understand if you don’t want to do it. But I think you would be great at it. And, of course, you’d get paid. I mean, it’s not much…”
I opened my mouth to say something but drew a blank. I didn’t know the first thing about teaching a dance class. Maybe if there was a stripper pole in the middle of the room. But that was completely not appropriate nor applicable in this situation. I wasn’t even sure I should be around kids on a regular basis. I wasn’t exactly the model sister to Kasey. Not to mention finals were in two weeks, and I barely opened my books.
“Sure,” I finally sputtered out. “Why not?”
She bounced in the seat and gave me a huge smile. “Thank you. I know you’ll be great.” She got up from her seat. “See you next class?”
I nodded as she scuttled to the door.
* * * *
Ten minutes after my last final, I was already on the road and headed to Aunt Meg and Uncle Jim’s. I had left campus feeling satisfied with how the semester ended. Not the best I could have done. But it certainly could have been worse.
That was behind me now, like the pothole-ridden road in my rear-view mirror. I planned to escape to the farm for the next two days. And I needed it. After cramming over the last week, my brain felt fried. I needed to reset and recharge, and there was no way better to do that than some hard manual labor and Aunt Meg’s home cooking.
Jack was the first to greet me in the driveway. He heaved his two front paws against my stomach, his long, pink tongue bobbing outside of this mouth.
“I missed you, too, buddy.” After a few pats on the head, he meandered toward house.
Inside, Aunt Meg was zipping around the kitchen. She smiled wide when she caught sight of me.
