by Amanda Fleet
He glanced up and down the hallway we were in. No one else was nearby.
“Perhaps you should discuss it with Faran first. You would damage his chances of re-election if you were found guilty of insubordination.”
Maybe Lord Sondan wasn’t thinking of standing, after all. Or maybe he still supported his friend. Either way, I was glad to hear his words.
“Okay, I’ll talk to him, but I expect I’ll take the flogging.”
“Give him the chance to discuss this with you. He won’t want to have to whip you, nor will he appreciate why he has to. I’ll finish my report after dinner. If I’ve not heard differently from you, I’ll include your objections.”
I trudged back to the centre of the city, thinking. Should I back down? Should I swallow my principles in order to help get Faran re-elected? If Lord Eredan counted my objections as insubordination, it would still be a black mark against Faran by association.
When I reached our rooms, I shrugged out of my jacket and headed through to the bedroom, just in time to hear the shower stop.
“Hey. I’m back!” I called through to Faran. “How was your day?”
He emerged, a towel around his waist, rubbing his hair. “We got two more demons.”
“With or without form?” I sat on the bed, footsore and ready for a long shower.
“With. You?”
“Three. Two with, one without.”
He perched next to me and leaned over to kiss me, his hair dripping on me. “One without?”
I breathed in his clean scent, thinking I probably stank. “Mm. It was incredibly strong. Tried to attack the Guardians.”
His eyes widened. “Did the stones protect all of you?”
“Yeah. If we hadn’t had them, it could have killed us. But even so, Lord Sondan decided it was too risky to transport the demon back as it was, so we trapped it.” I frowned.
He dipped his head to peer at me. “From your face, you don’t agree with that decision.”
“No.” I threw my hands up. “We were safe with the stones, and we could have made a barrier between us and the people we brought back. And it means someone else needs to die before we can destroy it. I don’t think Hesta will hesitate for a second over doing that.” I picked his hand up and fiddled with his fingers, turning his wedding ring around. “I told Lord Sondan I wanted him to record in his report that I didn’t agree with him over it. He said I should discuss it with you, as your father would probably take a dim view of it and order you to flog me. And that having a persistently disobedient, insubordinate wife would damage your chances of getting re-elected.”
“He’s right, on all counts.”
I tracked a bead of water as it slid over his chest. “I know. I’m trying to balance my principles against wanting you to get re-elected.”
“Hm. Which side is winning?”
I rested my head on his damp shoulder. “Neither. Tell me more about your mission. How strong were the demons? How many of the villagers had been enslaved? What was the death toll like?”
Faran’s mission was depressingly similar to mine, with a high death toll and two powerful demons. Hesta’s holding rooms would be filling up with corrupted people, though hopefully some of them could be released once the demon that controlled them was destroyed.
“Sondan called me and asked us to eat with him,” said Faran.
“Then I’d better try to work out whether to object to his actions or not.”
Faran leaned against me. “I understand your objections. I do. But please, don’t ask for them to be included in his report.”
I moved so I could see his face. “So you get your job back?”
He twisted his lip, brows raised. “Would you prefer me not to?”
I breathed deeply and flopped backwards on the bed, my arms folded across my eyes. “No. I know what it means to you.”
The quilt rustled as Faran shifted to sit further up the bed, closer to my head. “Doesn’t it mean anything to you? You’d be safer here if I was Elected Successor again. And if you weren’t always seen as insubordinate or traitorous.”
I gritted my teeth. “So I should be an obedient little wife, train all day and keep my mouth shut in the Council until I have children, at which point I get to be invisible?”
He sighed heavily. “What’s your alternative? Argue pointlessly all day with my father? Or just leave me?”
Now wasn’t the time to talk to Faran about this. I moved my arms so that I could see him. “Sorry. I’ll tell Lord Sondan not to put my objections in his report. But you and I need a serious discussion about the future.”
“I know. You want to leave.” He bit his lips together, his shoulders sagging. “You hate it here. I know you’d rather live Outside.”
My dream was to be able to go back Outside, but with Faran. Not that either of us could go Outside easily. He had no way to prove who he was, and I was probably wanted for murder. I also now had two missing years to account for.
He leaned forwards, his elbows on his thighs, the muscles of his back taut. “You used to be happy here. We used to be happy.”
“I know. And I am happy with you. Let’s not talk about this now? We’re both tired and stressed. Let’s just try to have some fun tonight.”
***
Faran closed the door to our rooms behind us and leaned his back on it, chewing his lip. We’d dined with his parents and Lord Sondan and, for once, I’d managed not to piss his father off, but something was still eating Faran.
“Thank you for telling Sondan you’d reconsidered,” he said. “I know how strong your feelings are about it.”
I unbuttoned my jacket and peeled it off. Dinner had been civil but strained – food was still short, Lady Alix never hid her loathing of me, and the only good news had been that no Guardians had died today. That said, plenty of non-Guardians had died and, at some point, the Council would have to face up to the fact that a significant imbalance between the city and the provinces was developing. If it carried on at this rate, the provinces wouldn’t be able to support the needs of the city.
I sank down on the sofa. Yeah, I’d backed down about Lord Sondan’s report, but it didn’t sit well with me. The Realm was turning me into something I’d never thought I would be. Faran levered himself away from the door and sat next to me. He picked up my hands, his face serious.
“You said the other day that all you wanted from me was for me to make you happy.” He chafed my knuckles with his thumb. “You’re clearly very unhappy at the moment, and I don’t know what to do.”
I stared at the toes of my boots. “You make me happy…”
“But The Realm doesn’t.”
I breathed steadily. “It’s so different from Outside.”
I turned sideways so I could see him properly, pulling my hands free and wrapping my arms around my torso. I really needed to talk, but I didn’t know if he would want to hear it. I couldn’t keep tiptoeing around this, though. If I ever was going back Outside, it would have to be soon.
“Talk to me,” he murmured. “Why are you so unhappy?”
I chewed the side of my thumb. “It’s taking a lot of getting used to. And I feel trapped.”
He leaned his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped in front of him. “If you could go back Outside, would you?”
I couldn’t answer for several long minutes. Faran’s breathing grew unsteady, and he stared at the floor, his jaw tight.
“I don’t know,” I said at last. “I don’t want to leave you. But I don’t think you would want to come with me. If you came Outside, we’d just swap me being unhappy for you being unhappy. And I know that if I leave and you stay, this would crush you – emotionally and politically – and I couldn’t do that to you. So I have no choice except to stay here.”
Faran said nothing for a long time, his muscles tightening with every minute. I brushed the back of my hand against his. “What is it?”
He stared into the middle distance, clearly working out how to phrase somet
hing. I wished he’d just spit it out, whatever it was. Eventually, he looked at me. “I feel this huge pressure on me.”
He ground to a halt and breathed deeply. I waited. He scratched his brow, then scraped his hand over his face. “What if I can’t make you happy enough? If I’m the only thing holding you here and you don’t think it’s working, you’ll either feel trapped here, or you’ll go Outside. Aeron, I don’t know what to do. How do we get back to what we had?”
I squeezed his hand, my heart sore at how upset he was. “We will. Just be you.”
He gazed at me, his shoulders knotting. “How can I make things better? What do you miss about Outside?”
“Freedom,” I said, without hesitation. “I’d get to choose how to live my life. Everything here is decided for me – what kind of bed I sleep in, how I spend my day, how many children I’m expected to have, what I eat, what I wear… I don’t get to decide anything. And I have to follow orders and say nothing, even if I think they’re wrong.”
He half snorted. “Well, you always did have a problem with authority.” He inched closer to me, puzzlement crumpling his face. “But did you enjoy having to make your food and keep your house clean and choose your clothes, Outside? Wasn’t it tiring to have to do all that as well as do your job? Isn’t it easier to open the closet and just wear the clothes there?”
I eyed him, wondering if he was being sarcastic, but his expression was open and genuine.
“I enjoyed getting to choose what I ate and how I dressed. I enjoyed choosing what to do for a living.”
He nibbled his lip, still confused. “Everyone Outside chooses their role? What if no one wants to farm? What happens?”
“Someone always wants to farm… but I get what you’re struggling with. If there’s an important role and not enough people want to do it, the pay for that role goes up. People always want money.”
He rubbed the side of his nose, his leaf-green eyes on mine. “What else do you miss?”
Nothing he could suddenly magic up to make me feel better. He arched a brow at me, wanting an answer.
“Beer. Pizza. Movies. Going to the pub. Having friends over for food and drinks. Going out on the bike. Countryside. Scenery…” I ground to a halt before I started crying. “What did I enjoy? I mean, I was happy here.” Though maybe only because I didn’t know anything different. Or because we hadn’t ‘fed’ people to demons then.
He leaned back heavily, his body thudding against the back of the sofa. “Dancing. Sitting in the gardens looking at the stars. Friends coming over or us visiting them… Is there anything here that would cheer you up tonight?”
While I racked my brains for anything The Realm could offer that came even close to Outside, there was a tap at the outer door of our rooms. Faran answered it.
“Lilja! Come in.”
He stepped back, and Lilja stuck her head around the door, beaming at me. Her hair tumbled to her shoulders in soft waves, and she wore the rose-pink jacket that suited her colouring so well. Her smiles poked dimples into her cheeks. “Aeron? Can I talk to you?”
“Of course!”
Faran ushered her in, and she sat on the tub chair opposite me, almost bouncing with excitement. Faran retrieved cups of water from the bathroom and returned, taking his seat on the sofa next to me again.
“Come on, spit it out,” I said, her excitement contagious, cracking my gloom. “You’re clearly bursting to tell me something.”
She gripped her hands together, her eyes bright. “Signar and I are expecting a baby.”
I remembered how keen she’d been to start a family, and jumped up to hug her hard. “Oh, that’s amazing!”
Faran elbowed me gently out of the way to hug Lilja. “Congratulations! You must be so pleased.”
“I am.” Lilja glowed.
We all sat again, the room full of smiles, my sorrow and frustration largely overturned by my happiness for her.
“When do you move?” asked Faran.
I frowned. “Move? Where?”
Faran rolled his eyes at me. “To the family quarters.”
“Next week,” said Lilja, hugging her arms around her. “I can’t wait.”
I said nothing. I didn’t think I’d be so excited at the idea of becoming invisible. Okay, I was struggling with the idea of being a warrior, but to then not even have that because I was now a mother…
Lilja tilted her head. “You’ll still be able to visit. And maybe you and Faran will be moving soon…?”
“You saying that as a Seer?” I asked, one brow up. The thought of being pregnant horrified me.
She shook her head, her smiles fading. “Aeron, you look so dismayed… The family quarters aren’t far. I’ll still see you.”
“It’s not that.” I didn’t know how to explain without offending her.
Faran had no such qualms. “The idea of motherhood isn’t appealing to Aeron. She would not want to be moving to family quarters.”
Lilja’s face fell. “No? You did. Why don’t you now?”
I sucked in a long breath. “Because I don’t want to just be a mother. And once I have children, that’s all I’ll be. Maybe as a Seer, you get to go back to work, but a Guardian?”
I’d squashed her excitement and felt terrible for it. “Lilja, I’m sorry. I really am happy for you. It’s brilliant news!”
She fiddled with her fingers, a light crease marring her brow. “Why do you think you wouldn’t be valued here if you had a baby? You’d still be a Guardian.”
I took a moment to work out how to phrase things. “Because at the moment, any value I have is because I’m a good warrior. But once I have children, I won’t be. I won’t be able to train as much if I’m looking after the baby, and The Realm doesn’t do childcare.”
Faran screwed round in the sofa to face me. “But you’d be valued as both a warrior and a mother.” He chewed his lip. “From what you’ve told me about Outside, it seems as if you’re not valued for being a mother there at all – your value is entirely from your job and once you have children, you go back to work because women who look after their children until they go to school are frowned upon.”
I ran my finger around the top of my cup of water. Had I misunderstood what happened here when women had children? I’d never seen any children here – they lived in the family quarters, with different communal gardens and their own meal hall. Some of the men on the Council were fathers, but I didn’t think any of the women were mothers.
“But once I had kids, I’d have to stay at home with them until they went to school,” I said. “No training, no Council…”
“No.” Faran sighed, shaking his head. “You’d stay with the child until it’s weaned because I can’t help with that. And then you and I would split the caring half and half.”
I scrunched my face up. “You can’t stop training for half the time, can you?”
He rolled his eyes again. “Yes. We would both train less until the child went to school at four. And then we’d go back to training full time.”
“There are no mothers on the Council,” I argued.
“Lady Petra, Lady Alina, Lady Ullan.” Faran counted on his fingers. “Admittedly, they’re all far older than us, but they’ve been on the Council throughout.”
“Oh. Okay.” I glanced across at Lilja. “And it’s the same for you and Signar?”
She laughed, a light, bright sound. “Yes. We are each valued for being both parents and Seers.”
I swallowed. I had been wrong.
Just as I opened my mouth to apologise, Faran’s communication button buzzed. Faran clicked it. “Faran.”
“Hi. It’s Sondan. Can I talk to you?”
Lord Sondan sounded agitated and Faran’s brows dipped. “Of course. Um. Lilja’s in our rooms, visiting Aeron. I’ll come to you.”
“Thank you.”
Lord Sondan closed the line and Faran stood, excusing himself.
“I’ll maybe see you later,” he said to Lilja.” Please tell Signar
how happy I am for you both?”
He headed out of the door, and Lilja took a long gulp of her water.
“Why are you so low?” she asked, scrutinising me. “Things still difficult with Faran? Or just struggling with The Realm still?”
“The Realm.”
I told her what Faran and I had been talking about – feeling trapped, the lack of choice, not being able to return Outside. I omitted the whole experimenting on the people aspect, though the Seers probably knew about it, one way or another. She listened carefully. Eventually, I ground to a halt. She put her cup down and sat back, her expression firm. I knew that look and braced myself for the brutal honesty that was on its way.
“So, you’re upset because you want to cook and clean and do housework, even though Outside those were seen as chores, and you’d like there to be better entertainment here, because there are no rooms to drink in together or boxes with entertainment on in each room? And you miss riding a machine in the countryside. What else?”
“I miss drawing.” I sounded lame even to myself.
“But you draw Faran. And you can draw other things if you wanted. What else?”
“I miss my friends and family. They don’t even know I’m okay. They probably think I’m dead. Or are in complete limbo, not knowing where I am.”
She tilted her head – an acceptance that at least that point had validity.
“If you told them you were okay, they would look for you,” she said. “That would be worse – forever searching for you and never finding you. But if you returned Outside, you’d miss people from here, wouldn’t you? You’ll make plenty of friends here.” She sat forwards in the chair and caught hold of my hands. “Aeron, I know you’re unhappy, but you can’t change things, so try to live with them? Focus on what’s good. And come and visit me in the family quarters – see that it’s not a ghetto!”
I smiled thinly. “I will certainly visit you. I really am happy for you.”
She paused. “So you and Faran aren’t trying to make babies yet?”
I shook my head.
“Why?” she asked, frowning lightly. “Because there was never any problem in that department before you were banished.”
