He grunted and stood a little taller.
I watched him through the narrow gap. He held Zoë awkwardly, and although he was reputed to be a hard, vicious man, he looked down at her with tenderness.
‘I wanted a son,’ he said. ‘But she’s a pretty little thing, don’t you think?’ He smiled. ‘When can they leave?’
Thina glanced at the screen. ‘It was a sudden birth, and your wife is quite exhausted. She needs a few days’ recuperation, to build her strength a little.’
He passed my baby over to Anna and then smoothed the front of his uniform.
‘I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed. Anyway, it will be a few days before the road is repaired. Ensure my wife’s comfortable at all times, and never left on her own.’
‘Of course, sir.’
At that moment, I knew Zoë would be loved and well cared for, and the thought made me want to weep again.
He turned to his wife. ‘Well done, darling. We’ll get you and baby Zoë back home as soon as this storm abates and the road’s passable.’ He straightened and turned to Thina. ‘If you need anything, be sure to let me know. I’ll have special food sent in for my wife.’ He nodded towards the screen. ‘When she wakes, thank her for a good job.’ Then he left the ward.
Thina came round the screen and stuck her thumb up.
‘Did you hear that, Sofia? Seems the bastard has a heart,’ she whispered. ‘Looks like it’s going to be Zoë Eleftheria, then.’
She smiled and returned to the bedside of Anna Despotakis.
I felt crushed, but knew I had to get through the pretence of a working day. Once I had rested, I was overcome by the hopelessness of it all. Thina caught me behind the desk in tears.
‘You have two choices, Sofia. Don’t see the baby again – which will be easier – or spend every moment with her until she leaves. Whatever you choose will be almost unbearable, but I’ll support you.’
‘Are you mad? Zoë is my daughter. I have a right, a need, to hold her, care for her, simply look at her, for as long as possible.’
‘Okay. I’ve made a plan,’ Thina said. ‘Everyone says the storm will be raging for another two days. I’m going to swap the beds around and put Anna in the operating room with an empty bed. I’m ordering you to stay with Anna and her baby at all times, so she gets the best possible care. Understood? If you agree, I’ll inform Colonel Despotakis, and start moving the patients out of the operating room.’
It was an effort to stand up, never mind walk. I wasn’t in pain, exactly; it simply felt as though I had pulled every muscle in my body, and then gone under a steamroller. I was no use to Thina, so she called Honey in again. At six o’clock, the cook came with a mountain of the most delicious food for Anna. She ate a little and left the rest for us. I don’t know how Thina stayed on her feet, but she did. After we had all eaten, she and Honey rearranged the beds, and I was alone for the night with Anna and baby Zoë in the operating room.
*
I sat next to Anna’s bed, holding my baby and watching the fine-boned woman who believed she had become a mother. Anna was exhausted due to the medication administered to induce labour. I reminded myself that she had gone through labour too. Her dead child, a little boy she had never seen or held, was bagged and hidden in the rubbish, to be disposed of in the prison landfill.
I thought about the colonel who believed he was Zoë’s father. A man responsible for keeping thousands of people incarcerated, though all we wanted was the best for Greece and her people. Anna was innocent of these political crimes against us. She told me she was only sixteen when her arranged marriage had happened. Her meekness and timidity, her silence around her husband, did not speak of a happy marriage. All she wanted now was to love and care for her child in the best possible way.
I was mentally and physically drained. I knew that in just a few days, I would lose Zoë forever, but I tried to dismiss the future and focus on the joy of the present. That special moment when Zoë was first placed on my chest – my love poured out in a second that could never be surpassed. Feeling the weight of my treasured newborn against my breast, my thoughts were full of hope and love. I felt humbled, overcome by awe, and in shock that I had produced such a beautiful little creature.
I had no concern about what the future held for me, only that Zoë would be happy and safe in a free world. Her baby cries called to my heart, and my womb cramped painfully, nailing the bond that had formed between us while she was still in my womb. Those ties would only get stronger. I felt more love than I’d thought possible, and I knew I could never, ever forget her.
We had rigged up a cot from a drawer placed on two chairs, between our beds. When I found myself nodding off with the baby Zoë in my arms, I knew I had to put her down. Reluctantly, I did so, and caught a few hours’ sleep. On waking, I felt a pang of jealousy to see Anna sitting up with Zoë on her breast.
I resisted the urge to snatch her away, swallowed my animosity and injected kindness into my voice.
‘How are you feeling, Anna?’
She never took her eyes off baby Zoë.
‘I finally know what unconditional love is, Sofia. I seem to have grown another heart in my chest and it’s filled with all the love I have for my beautiful daughter.’ Tears trickled down her cheeks. ‘I can’t explain more than that,’ she continued. ‘All I can say is that I love my daughter more than anything or anyone I know, and I will always do so.’
CHAPTER 34
MEGAN
Crete, present day.
THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS Megan wanted to say to her mother. Often, she hesitated, ashamed of her behaviour, or appreciating how foolish she had been. How could she have ever doubted that her mum cared about her? It was only now she understood the heartache she had caused. She knew she owed her mother the unabridged truth of her past.
They had walked to the seafront together, and her mother bought them lunch, lamb chops off the charcoal and village salad, at a beachside taverna. Megan couldn’t stop apologising. She explained that she’d never realised how her family had fretted over her and, in the back of her mind, she even feared they had forgotten her. Since she and Simon had broken up, life had been filled with earning enough money to eat, and worrying about where she would sleep.
Her mum reached out, curled her fingers around Megan’s hand and held on.
‘Darling, I have to ask – what made you run away in the first place?’
Megan looked away. ‘I’m so ashamed.’
‘It doesn’t matter. You have to tell me. Megan, I need to know where I went wrong.’
‘Mum, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was me, I completely messed up and made some stupid decisions. I never talked to you about anything.’
‘Then tell me about it, and don’t spare the details.’
Megan knew she was defeated. She had to explain what had happened or else it would always be between them.
‘I’d been unhappy for months, Mum. I knew how much you and Dad wanted me to go to uni, study for a career that I really wasn’t interested in. I don’t take after you or Dad. Your skills are not my skills. I hated school. I always wanted to be a singer or a dancer or an actor. A performing artist, doing something on stage, no matter what. Even camera work, stage props, or costumes. I don’t know. How could I talk to you about it, when I didn’t even know exactly what I wanted to do myself? You’d think I was being childish, being naïve, and it just kept eating away at me.’ She stared at the horizon. ‘I had this overwhelming feeling I was letting you both down.’ Megan turned and faced her mother, shocked to see the intense sadness on her face. ‘I’m terribly sorry, Mum. I realise how wrong I’ve been now that I am talking to you about it. That’s why I was desperate to talk to Granny Anna. I knew if I did, then I would see everything more clearly. I don’t know why I didn’t realise I could have simply come to you. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint you.’
‘You haven’t disappointed me, Megan. Worried me, yes – disappointed me, no.’
‘Anyway, I got mixed up with the wrong sort, kids that were older than me, who did drugs and drank too much and . . . Well, there was this guy, Mum. Simon. I never told you about him, but I was seeing him for a while. I thought he was really cool. I thought I was in love . . .
‘There was a party. You thought I was on a sleepover, revising with my friends, but me and Simon and some of the girls from school went to this house . . . I’d never seen anything like it. People were doing drugs and practically having sex in public. There was so much booze. It was like an X-rated movie.’ She paused for a moment, not wanting to tell. ‘Dad was there.’
She hesitated, not sure what else to say.
Her mother was astute. ‘With another woman?’
Megan’s eyes widened. She nodded.
Her mum sighed. ‘Tell me the rest.’
Megan swallowed. ‘She was all over him, and I . . . I was so angry, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want Dad to see me, so we all went down to the pool and I kept drinking and . . .’
‘Go on, Megan.’
‘I smoked weed, Mum. I got so drunk I could hardly stand up. And then me and Simon started – you know – in the pool, and Dad came past and he saw and . . . and he got so mad. He went ballistic. He said my behaviour could damage your good reputation as a family lawyer and youth magistrate, beyond repair. He said having a daughter who was involved in drink and drugs would destroy his career if the press got hold of it, too.’ She felt herself close to tears. ‘Dad said I was reckless and irresponsible, that I should grow up and stop being so selfish. He reminded me how hard you both worked in order to give me and Josh everything we wanted.’
Her mum’s mouth hung open for a moment.
‘I begged him not to tell you, and swore I’d never, ever, let you down again. And Dad promised he wouldn’t tell you. Did he?’
Mum shook her head. ‘Your father always keeps his word.’
‘Dad brought me home, dead drunk, and I just . . . Well, after that, I just couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand the idea of facing Dad again, after what he’d seen me do, after what he knew. And I’d seen him with that woman, too, and I couldn’t bear to ask him, to confront him – and I couldn’t have told you about me without telling you about him, and I was so scared that if I told you about the woman I’d seen him with, he’d tell you everything. So I just ran. The next morning, I got up and I left that awful note . . . Mum, I’m so sorry. I bunked off school and went round to Simon’s – he had a flat. I couldn’t think straight. He said I could stay for a bit if I wanted, and he’d look after me. That evening, I thought maybe I’d made a mistake and I came back to the house, but there were police cars outside and I thought it was about the drugs. I got scared and I ran.’
Mum shook her head and dropped it into her hands.
‘When the school phoned and said you hadn’t arrived that morning, I went up to your room and found that note. I was out of my mind with worry – of course I called the police. Your dad had gone to Brussels that morning with work and I couldn’t get hold of him. I was so scared.’
‘I had no idea what to do.’ Megan shook her head. ‘I went back to Simon’s. See, Mum, I thought I was in love.’
Her mum smiled softly.
‘It was great at first. Fun. He was nice to me, and I felt grown up, keeping the flat nice, cooking meals. But then he started using more and more drugs, not just weed, but heavy stuff. He was dealing, too. It was all such a mess. Anyway, his flat was raided by the police, while I was at the shops one day. I was too scared to go back.’
‘You should have come home.’
‘I couldn’t, don’t you see? It had been months by then. And if the police had followed me, that would have been the end for you and Dad. I mean, Simon was drug-dealing, in with all sorts of bad people. What could be worse? And Dad would see how much I’d failed – how much worse I’d got. No, I couldn’t.’
Megan sighed. ‘I thought if I could do something good, to make you proud, then everything would be all right. I tried to get a job, but I had nowhere to stay and nothing seemed to work out. I managed to earn some money juggling on the street, but I was always afraid that someone I knew would see me, so I thumbed a lift up north. I was there for a few months, sleeping rough, trying to make money. I knew Granny Anna had gone back to Crete, so I thought if I could earn enough to go and see her, then she could help me talk to both of you, to make things right. She looked after me all my life, so I decided to go and look after her for a while, now that I’d got the hang of cooking and cleaning at Simon’s. Granny Anna would tell me what to do about Dad. You see, I love you both, and it was all so confusing.’ Megan trailed off, her eyes full of tears. ‘I can’t believe she’s died.’
‘Me neither. It’s very hard to accept. Did you really think our careers were more important to us than you?’
Megan shrugged. ‘You help a lot of people. And you’ve always been dead passionate about your work. It made me proud, you know, and I couldn’t stand the thought of disrupting everything. And Dad, too – all those refugee kids. He’s done amazing things for a lot of families. Where would they be without him? I could have ruined his reputation, put an end to his political career. I couldn’t bear the thought. At the time, running away seemed the best thing to do. Instead of the slur of a daughter involved with drugs, you’d have everyone’s sympathy.’
Her mother looked as though she were about to cry.
‘It was a stupid idea. I’m so sorry, Mum.’
Although it was difficult, Megan was relieved to be able to talk and felt a great weight lifted from her shoulders. Her mother was really listening, for the first time in years.
‘No, it’s me that’s sorry, Megan, darling. I should have made it clear that you can always count on me. I should have listened more. I should have been there for you.’
*
They talked all afternoon. It felt good to share, to talk about their lives and the past year on equal terms.
‘I’ve caused all this trouble, Mum. I shouldn’t have put Josh in such a difficult position either, making him promise not to tell that I’d called. And Dad, too – I’d made him promise not to let on about the party, and I guess he must have known that was sort of why I’d run away.’
‘Megan, we all make mistakes. You’re nearly an adult now. It’s okay to learn some lessons.’
‘I have – especially after hearing about Granny Anna. She was so wonderful, wasn’t she? I can’t believe she moved away when she was ill, just to spare you the worry and the strain.’
‘She was a wonderful mother. I miss her so much.’
‘What happened to Emily, Mum? I was devastated when the police told me she’d been killed.’
‘Poor Emily. I don’t believe she was a bad kid either. She was just struggling and alone. It’s a sad story, but she’d become involved with drugs and a gang were searching for her. I was so afraid they’d mistake you for her, you looked so alike.’
‘Emily and drugs? I don’t believe it.’
‘Her juggling balls were stuffed with heroin worth thousands. They found one in the room you slept in. Thank God your fingerprints weren’t on them.’
‘You’re kidding me!’ Megan thought for a moment. ‘So that’s why the police were so interested in mine. I’m sure Emily had no idea. She stole the balls from a guy she was living with for a while. I told the police when they interviewed me. Just goes to show . . .’ She trailed off, realising things could have been a lot worse for her. ‘Mum, I’ve been such an idiot.’
They sat in silence for a while, each with her own thoughts.
‘Can we call Josh and Dad?’ she said, wanting to change the subject.
Her mother nodded, and opened her handbag to search for her phone. It had slipped down the other side of the lining. As she pulled it out, a sealed envelope came with it. Mum frowned.
‘What’s that?�
�� Megan asked, seeing the foreign stamps.
‘It came on your birthday, from my mother’s solicitor here in Crete. I’d forgotten about it.’
Her mother tore it open.
CHAPTER 35
SOFIA
Korydallos Prison, Athens, 1972.
I HANDED BABY ZOË TO ANNA DESPOTAKIS and asked how she was feeling.
‘When your child is born, Sofia, you’ll understand,’ she said softly, nodding at my swollen belly. She didn’t seem to notice that my waistline had been wider the day before. I tried to smile, not trusting my voice. Anna stroked my baby’s cheek. ‘My first two infants died in the womb. A little girl and a little boy. I blamed myself for their deaths, of course, always looking for things I must have done wrong. You see, I’d felt the life in them. I’d seen little elbows or knees poking up and moving across my belly as they turned. At night when I slept, my dreams of holding them were so vivid that I’d woken expecting to find my baby in my arms.’ She kissed Zoë’s head. ‘Those dreams were all I had, until now.’
Her eyelids drooped and I understood her fatigue.
‘Why don’t you pass baby over to me and get some rest?’
‘Just another minute.’ She sighed. ‘I know I’m lucky in these difficult times, because the colonel will make sure we have the best of everything. Zoë will have a nursemaid, and the finest schooling in Greece. She’ll have ballet lessons, singing lessons, piano lessons. She’ll learn to speak any languages she wants, choose any career, always with our support.’ Her face crumpled and, for a moment, I thought she was going to cry. ‘I’ve never been as happy as this in my life, Sofia. I can’t describe the rush of emotion I felt when Thina placed her in my arms. Now I’m responsible for loving her, teaching her and guiding her through life’s ups and downs. I know I’ll always protect baby Zoë with my life.’
*
That night, I thought about all the things Anna could give my baby that I could not. But I also knew my child could be happy, and want for nothing, in the simple village life we had planned on the slopes of Mount Psiloritis. I dreamed of Markos, healed and healthy, playing with Zoë in the orchid meadow. She would help with the olive harvest and orange-gathering, and wear the national costume for the Zoniana cheese festival. Zoë would grow strong and healthy, with an outdoor life away from the smog of the city. She would dance while her father played the lyra. Life could be perfect.
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