by lanie love
I saw the photos of her Brooke sent from her birthday party and I have been feeling insecure ever since.
"Don't be ridiculous," he chastises me. "You are beautiful. You are pregnant with my son and it makes you beyond anything I have ever seen and no, I don't like the fact that she is seeing someone who I considered a friend all these years. I guess the bastard was just waiting for me to move aside so he could make his move."
He stops talking when he sees that I am getting upset all over again.
"Do you still love her, Jay?"
I knew this would happen. I tried to explain this to him when we first started. I tried to get him to leave me alone then, but he kept coming back. He kept telling me how real this was. How much he wanted to be with me until I believed him. Now, it’s too late to go back.
"I have tried to explain this to you over and over. I’m at a loss right now. I'm hurt, like she's hurt. I miss my sons. I had to miss my daughter’s birthday. I hate the way this all played out I’m trying to figure out a way to fix it."
"Fix it? Fix what? Are you weighing your options?"
"Julia," he calls my name gently, but refuses to say anything more.
We've been at odds for weeks now. Ever since he came home and confided in me that Kathleen has been on his mind and he actually called to talk to her once already.
Allie thinks I'm overreacting. She thinks he is being truthful when he tells me he just needs closure with Kathleen and a relationship with his sons.
"Mom, look at it from his perspective," she told me. "He lost a lot and it all happened so fast. One day, he was with Kathleen and the next he was with you, expecting a son, all while his relationship with his other sons is strained, to put it nicely."
"I don't know, Allie," I told her. "I messed up and now, I just don't know."
"Mom, he loves you. Just give him time. As hard as it is for you, it's ten times harder for him to live with what you two did. You didn't lose your family like he did."
“I think he’s starting to blame me.”
“He’s not that big of an idiot.”
“But what if you're wrong? I know him. He is a man that always knows what he wants. The fact that he’s having doubts is not a good sign for me.”
“Then, screw him if he doesn't see what’s right in front of his face.”
“It’s not that easy, Allie. It’s just not that easy.”
“Mom, you are having his baby. He loves you. He walked out on Kathleen to be with you. At the end of the day, he comes home to you. Stop seeing things that aren't there and stop looking for ways to sabotage it because you feel guilty for having it.”
Now, here I am again, doing exactly what she told me not to do.
“I’m sorry,” I tell Jay.
“I’m sorry too,” he says. “I haven’t made it easy loving me, but I do love you, Julia.”
“I love you too. I’m just so scared of losing you, Jay. I just feel so fat and tired all the time. I know I’ve been impossible and there are plenty of women who would love to take my place—”
“That’s never going to happen because I love you.” He takes me in his arms and kisses me. “And as soon as this little guy is born, I’m going to fuck you so hard, you’ll forget about all of this nonsense.”
“Do it now,” I say and he groans, knowing we aren’t allowed.
That’s the other reason I’m so insecure. We haven't been allowed to make love. Our son has been keeping me celibate for months and he’s now refusing to come out. They are admitting me in the morning and putting me on Pitocin to start labor. I wanted to wait it out and see if he would come out on his own, but no such luck. This little guy is firmly rooted in my womb, so he’ll have to be taken out before he graduates from college in there.
“Just you wait, woman. Just you wait,” Jay says, placing his hand on my large belly. His smile turns to worry when I double over in pain. “Julia,” he calls when he a big gush of fluid comes pouring out of me, wetting our shoes.
“My water just broke,” I say it as both of our eyes bulge. He looks around the room, lost and almost panicked as to what to do. “Hospital.”
“Yes, of course. Hospital. Right,” he rambles on, leading me out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
Two Days Later
Cedar Sinai, Beverly Hills
Maternity Ward
Allison Moore
At 6:10 pm, the Wade/Moore family welcomed Jason Wade into the world. He is six pounds, seven ounces and cute as a button. He lays swaddled in a blue blanket with a tiny little pink and blue striped cap on his head.
"I think he looks like Dad," Brooke says. We have her on live-stream as we peek at our new little brother through the nursery window. She didn't want to leave Kathleen, who, I’m guessing isn’t handling the baby news well.
"He's wrinkly like Dad," Aaron says and we laugh.
"Welcome to this fucked up family, Little Bro." Kent actually coos at him. He’s come out of his hole, as Aaron calls it, to take a look at the latest member of the family.
I think it’s a good sign that he’s here. He could have easily said fuck the baby like he’s been saying about mom and Jay.
"I'm going to go check on my mom," I tell Aaron. I want to ask them to come with me and at least see Jay, but I’m not that big of an idiot.
"Alright, Baby." He kisses me and I leave them to look after our brother.
I walk into her hospital room to find her sleeping peacefully as Jay looks over her. Even though she’s deep in sleep she looks worn and tired.
"She had a rough go of this pregnancy didn't she," I whisper to him.
"She certainly did," he whispers back to me. "It took a lot out of her, but she was amazing, Allie. I've never seen anything like it."
I smile at him and her. I am happy that she has someone with her this time around instead of doing it alone the way she had to with me.
"He is a beautiful boy," I tell him. "You should be proud."
"I am. I'm proud of all my kids, including you."
I laugh.
"Is that the step father proud or the father in law proud," I ask him.
"Both," he tells me. "I guess I am doubly proud."
"Well, let her know I stopped by and I'll come back later this afternoon to say goodbye," I tell him.
"I will," he says. "And I know I won’t see him later, but you and that son of mine have fun on your cruise. And be careful. I don’t want either one of you standing too close to the edge. And watch your drinking."
"Don't worry, Dad," I tell him and instantly regret it.
It was meant just to tease at his worries about us, but now I feel awkward thinking he might take me seriously. I quickly give him a hug and exit the room, kicking myself for my big mouth.
Sage Turner
It's been a month since that night at the club when everything went wrong. And that's what it is now… wrong. I've been in a fog for the last few weeks, just going through the motions, but in reality, I'm numb. I'm just in survival mode. I stick to my routine: get up, go to work, come home, and pretend to be happy.
JR is opening up to BDSM. I know he hates it, and just the fact that he is doing it only to please me makes me sink further down into this pit I've placed myself in.
Mags and my Dad came down for a visit and they were not at all happy. I thought I was hiding everything well, but they saw right through me. They saw how much weight I've lost and how depressed I seem. My dad wants me to move back to Santa Barbara. He nearly dragged me back home with him, but I can't go back. My friends are here, my job is here, and if I was honest with myself, I would say that Kent is here. But I'm not honest. I'm a coward.
I think about him all the time, I wonder if he's okay, if he's happy, if he's with someone else. I'm sure he has a new sub by now. Someone who can give him everything he deserves. I am so tempted to ask Aaron, but I'm scared to know the answer. So, I keep quiet. I stay stuck.
I've lost the only thing that gave me joy. And fuck him, he was r
ight. There is nothing like the peace of mind you get from someone who knows you and wants to be with you anyway. I lost that when I lost him. Nobody really knows me anymore. I hide away from all of them. My life is so miserable now, except when I dream of him. So that's what I mostly do now lay in bed and dream of him.
I feel JR. get into bed with me tonight. I realize he doesn't wrap his arm around me like he used to anymore. I close my eyes and drift off, smiling when I begin to dream.
The room is dark. I know it is Mr. Wade's playroom. I feel calm because he is with me, but we’re not alone.
“Is she sure of her safe words,” he asks him.
Who is he talking to?
“What are your safe words?” The stranger demands of me.
“Yellow and red.” I don't say sir because I am confused as to who I'm talking to.
“Are you ready, Sweetheart?” The stranger asks.
Suddenly everything becomes clear. I am tied to a Saint Andrew's cross. Mr. Wade is the Dom, but he is not my Dom, he is JR's. He is commanding him to hit me. JR. raises his hand above his head and I can see what he's preparing to hit me with. I gasp in fear. It's a barbed wire cane. I look at JR and I try to speak, but there is a ball gag pulled too tight in my mouth. I shake my head, trying desperately to tell him not to hit me. But then he does. He brings the cane down and it cuts hard and deep into my skin. It hurts. I don't like it. It's not right. Something is not right.
Tears begin to fall down my face as I shake my head no. But he doesn't acknowledge me. It's like he doesn't even see me. I quickly turn my head to get Mr. Wade’s attention, but it's not Mr. Wade anymore. It's Mr. Riley. Mr. Riley is JR's Dom. Oh God, no. I start to panic. I can't breathe. Mr. Riley walks over to me. I begin to fight against my restraints, desperate to be free. I have to save us from this. I can't let this happen to JR. I can't let this happen to us. If I could just get free, I know I could stop this from happening. Mr. Riley leans in to whisper in my ear.
“Is this what you want from my boy, Sage?” I shake my head no. I’m desperately trying to speak, but the ball gag just gets tighter and tighter around my mouth. No, this is not what I want at all. I don't want him to be like this. This is not who he is. The cane comes down on my skin once again and I can feel the blood begin to flow down my legs. My skin is hanging in shreds. “My boy is making me proud and I have you to thank for this, Sage. Are you ready for your reward?”
Mr. Riley sneers as he brings his hand to my throat and presses hard, cutting off my air. I failed us. I wasn't strong enough to set us free. I look at JR and I whisper I'm sorry right before everything goes black.
“Sage, Sweetheart, wake up.” I hear JR call out to me and suddenly I can breathe again. I can move. My eyes spring open and land on his. I sit straight up, gasping for air, feeling my face for the ball gag that I thought was still there. Tumbling out of bed, I race to the bathroom. I rush head first to the to check myself for blood. JR is a step behind me. Frantically, I check my arms and legs for any signs of cuts from the wire, but I find none. “Sweetheart, what's the matter? Are you hurt? Are you sick?” He holds my hair back while I splash water on my face.
We sit there for a while on the floor of the bathroom. JR has me wrapped in his arms and I lean my head on his chest. I wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life as it finally hits me hard. I have to let him go. I take a deep breath.
“There is something that I have to tell you.”
“What is it?” He lets me go and I scoot away to face him.
“First. You know I love you, and I always will, but this, what we're doing, is wrong. I know deep down you know it too.”
“What are you saying, Sage? Are you breaking up with me,” he asks. His voice cracking.
“I'm just saying the words, but I think we've been drifting apart for a long time and neither one of us wanted to admit it.”
“No, that's not true,” he says, shaking his head, closing his eyes, refusing to see what I’m saying.
“Yes, it is. We've been so busy pretending that everything is okay, but it's not. You and I, we found each other at a very difficult time in our lives. We were dealing with so much pain from your father and my fucked-up shit. I think we just clung to each other and we've been hanging on ever since.”
“So, what are you saying,” he asks. I feel horrible that I'm choosing the middle of the night to tell him what I should have told him weeks ago. “You don't love me?”
“Of course, I love you, but can you honestly say that we are in love with each other anymore?”
“Yes, I can say that I'm in love with you. I want you to be my wife,” he says, getting up and turning away from me.
I take a deep breath to tell the truth that I've hidden from him, and myself. And as I prepare to take this step, my heart is aching for the one person who knew it to be true even before I did.
“I can't marry you, because I don't love you the way that I should, the way that you deserve to be loved by a wife. I'm in love with the idea of love. The perfect family. The one I've dreamed about since I was a kid, but never got. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who wants to be with only you and not someone who wants to be… with someone else.”
“Kent Wade? Is that what this is about? You're still seeing him?” He shakes his head. The words coming out of his mouth are beyond sickening to him.
“No. I haven't seen him since the night at the club.”
“How far did it go with him; for you to be in love with him it must have been more than just fooling around? More than just helping you cope.”
“Please.” I shake my head and go to stand near him.
“Tell me. I deserve to know.”
“I didn’t sleep with him, but it was more than just fooling around,” I admit to both of us. “JR.” I reach for him, but he pushes me away.
“You are such a fucking liar. Were you always like this and I just didn't see it?”’
“I’m sorry.”
“You know what, Sage. Fuck you.”
“Please, try and understand—”
“Better yet, why don't you go and not fuck with Kent, or whatever the hell you all do. But I'll tell you what, when he's done using you, don't come crawling back to me, because I'm done with the likes of you. I'll be back while you're at work to get my things,” he says walking away from me. “I don't want to be here another minute with you,” he says, leaving the bathroom.
I stand there looking in the mirror at a girl I don't even recognize anymore. I stand there listening for JR as he walks out the front door. After a moment I head to the bedroom. There, in the mess of clothes he left in his rush to leave, I see an engagement ring abandoned on the dresser. I fall to my knees and cry. I'm sad for what I just lost, but mostly I'm relieved to be done with all the lies and deception that I created all because I was afraid to see myself for who I am. Now, JR and I can have a chance at finding what we need to be happy.
Chapter Twenty- Seven
Sage Turner
I haven't really left the apartment since JR and I broke up a few days ago. There isn't anyone to go out with anyway. Aaron and Allie left for their cruise and from there the two of them are meeting up with the rest of the Wades in Paris. I didn't ask if Kent was going. I assumed he would, since his whole family is.
I've dumped the dead weight that is Kelsey. Aaron told Allie that bitch went after both JR and Kent the night of the club. That skank whore has no shame. Laura is in Germany researching her new book. She often calls and checks in on me. She asks me how things are going. I tell her everything is going fine. I don't want to spoil what should be a happy experience for her with my drama.
Sitting here, bored now, I grab my laptop to lurk around on social media. I end up Googling Kent. I couldn't stop myself. I guess I just wanted to see him. There he was at a high-end restaurant, looking like he was having the time of his life, smiling proudly at some woman, Trina Davis, her name is.
According to the caption, they work together and
were out celebrating. They seemed very comfortable with each other, not like simple coworkers at all. If she was any closer, she would be sitting in his lap. The photo captures Collin off in the distance and even he's smiling at her.
I really couldn't get a good look at her from the photo and being the glutton I am for punishment, I had to Google her. My heart sank when I saw her. She is gorgeous.
She's, according to the Wade Works website, Kent's VP. So not only is she beautiful, but smart and driven as well. There is no way I can compete with her. So much for waiting for me. Not that I blame him at all for moving on. I turn off my laptop and sincerely wish them well.
****
“Sage, did you get the revision for the latest segment on that police shooting,” Finch asks, yelling out to me from his desk. Why the man won't pick up the phone is beyond me.
“Going over it now,” I say walking into his office. “You know there is a telephone within arm's reach of you. You could always call me and save your voice.”
“Why waste time when I can just yell,” he says. “What do you think? Does it roll off the tongue or should I have that asshole redo it? Did he get all the points you wanted to cover?”
“He got everything and it reads well to me. I’ll go over it a few more times before airtime tomorrow.”
“Great.”
“Are you heading out?”
“Sure, just finishing up,” he says, as he types away on his computer.
Working with Adrian Finch has been incredible. He has really taken me under his wing. He allows me to shadow him and I’m really learning a lot about producing. I sit right next to him and observe all the things that I would otherwise never get to be a part of. It’s an area I wasn’t interested in before, but I think it’s an avenue I might pursue in the future.
I can't believe that I had misjudged him so harshly. I could have sworn he was trying to get me into bed, or that he offered me this job with some ulterior motive, but that's proven not to be the case. He's been a pretty cool boss. I'm glad I got past his initial creepiness.
