“I was more of hindrance than a blessing to my parents. They often argued over who had to watch me for the night. I didn’t have much because they spent it all on themselves or when they did give me something it would later disappear. For a long time my parents convinced me that toys did that. They stayed a while and then disappeared. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized my disappearing toys were often hocked for drug money or simply thrown away. My parents had to keep the disappearing toy illusion alive.”
“I used to go to school and I would see other parents kiss and hug their kids goodbye. I was forced to ride the bus to the tune of screaming that I was late. I often got a swat instead of a kiss. I hated school because the kids made fun of me. I remember kids, when playing football or baseball, stopping when I approached. I was often told that they had enough people and as I walked away I would see them call other kids over to come play. I spent many recesses on the swing watching kids play games forbidden to me. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t like me. Whether it was the kids at school or my parents at home, I was alone and unloved. I saw kids with tons of friends. I just wanted one.”
“It was at the beginning of third grade when I met my best friend in the world. His name was Ralph McKenzie and we hit it off the very day we met. I’ll never forget it. I was at the bus stop waiting to begin the first day of school when I heard someone say, ‘Do you like dragons too?’”
“I turned around and saw a brown haired boy with big thick glasses. He was shorter than me, but not by much. “Are you talking to me?” I asked.”
“‘I see the dragon on your lunch bag. Did you draw that?’ He said.”
“Ralph was looking at the picture of a dragon I had drawn the night before. I often spent time at night drawing. My parents never bought me a cool lunchbox like the other kids had, so I would draw on my brown lunch bags in order to make them look cooler. It was my hope that someone at school would see it and want to talk to me. Believe it or not, it actually worked.”
“So I told him, ‘I drew it last night. It took me three hours.’”
“‘I think the flames are cool,’ he said as he pointed to them. ‘You’re a good artist.’”
“That was the first compliment I could ever remember receiving.”
“‘I like dragons too,’ he continued ‘What do you think? Do you really think there are dragons in the world?’”
“‘Yeah, but I’ve never seen one. I think they live in caves and I don’t know where any caves are around here.’ I replied.”
“‘Maybe we should go exploring sometime after school and see if we could find some.’”
“He actually wanted to do something with me. He was interested in things that I was interested in.”
“‘Sure,’ I said, ‘I’d love to go exploring!’”
“‘Awesome! My name is Ralph. It’s the first day of school and I already found a friend!’”
“He called me his friend.”
“‘My name is James,’ I said to him, ‘and I’m in the third grade. What grade are you in?’”
“‘I’m in third grade too! Who’s your teacher?’”
“‘Mrs. Lewis.’”
“‘So is mine! We’ll have to sit next to each other in class.’”
“I had never been this happy in my entire life. I actually had a friend and it happened within a matter of seconds. When the bus came we got on and this time I actually had someone to sit next to. We talked about dragons the whole way to school and for the first time in my life I felt wanted.”
“Ralph’s parents truly were the nicest people I had ever met. One time after school, Ralph had invited me to come over for dinner. I asked my parents and they honestly didn’t care. As a matter of fact, I think they were happy for me to go because that meant they wouldn’t have to waste time or money on feeding me. I was so excited to go over there and it was all I could think of at school that day. Ralph’s mom, Marie, had made us pizza that night and to this day it was absolutely the best meal I ever had. Not only was the pizza good, but this was the first time I had ever eaten a meal where there was laughter and love.”
“Ralph’s dad’s name was Jack and he was a pastor at a church just right outside of town here. He was a wonderful man who smiled and laughed a lot. When he came home, Ralph ran up to him and gave him a great big hug. My heart ached at seeing such a thing because I had so earnestly desired that affection from my own parents. Jack greeted his wife with a kiss and I could see immediately that they actually loved each other. This was all a new experience for me.”
“Jack saw me and said with a smile, ‘Well, I’ll bet you are Ralph’s friend, James! I have heard so much about you!’”
“He held his hand out to me. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you.’”
“I had never shaken anyone’s hand before and I was thrown back by the respect Jack had given me. I sheepishly shook his hand.”
“‘I’m glad you’re here and you came on the right day,’ he said.”
“‘Why is that?’ I asked.”
“‘Well because today is the day where we give gigantic slices of pizza to all of our visitors and since you’re the only one you’re going to get an extra big slice!’”
“I couldn’t help but smile. I simply had never been treated this well before.”
“Ralph and I played in his room while the pizza was baking and we ran down the stairs laughing when it was time to eat. Jack wasn’t kidding. When I sat down at my seat I had a pizza slice so big that it literally hung off my plate. It was a wonderful meal and a wonderful time. I had never felt so loved.”
“While we were eating, Marie, asked, ‘So, James, have you ever been to church before?’”
“‘No, I haven’t. Is it a fun place to be?’”
“Marie laughed, ‘You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked if church was a fun place to be before. I have fun at church. How about you, Jack?’”
“Jack grinned, ‘It’s one of my favorite places to go. How about you, Ralph?’”
“‘I like youth group on Wednesday nights. I like the games we play!’ Ralph replied.”
“‘Do you like to play games, James?’ Ralph’s mom asked, which struck us all funny because ‘games’ and ‘James’ rhymed.”
“‘Sure!’ I answered, ‘I’m not that good, but I like to run around.’”
“‘You should go with me then!’ Ralph said. ‘Mom could we take him on Wednesday?’”
“‘We will have to ask James’ parents, but if its fine with them then absolutely.’”
“There was nothing I wanted more than to go to church with Ralph that Wednesday.”
“To my joy, my parents gave me permission to go with Ralph to church! To them it meant they wouldn’t have to watch me for the night so they had no problem with any time that I hung out with him. I was thrilled and I can still remember the amazing time I had that first Wednesday. I had never laughed as hard as I did that night. It wasn’t because everything was funny; it was because I had never been so happy. We played dodgeball and Ralph and I protected each other whenever the balls were thrown at us. I discovered that night that I had an affinity for catching and, as you know, if you catch a dodgeball thrown at you, the person who threw it was out not you.”
“I remember in the final game of the night all who were left on our team was Ralph and I and on the other side was a kid two years older than us and a foot taller as well. He could throw the ball really hard, but we had been able to dodge him for a while. However, the leader changed the boundary line and the kid was able to get closer. As he moved forward, he cornered Ralph and had him in his sights. I remember almost in slow motion how I ran toward Ralph as the kid threw the ball. In the last seconds, I dove, and with the tips of my hands, caught the ball and saved Ralph. The big kid was out and Ralph and I were the winners! We celebrated and talked about it the entire t
ime during the ride home. For the next two months, Ralph and I were best buds. I had never been happier. I had no idea that everything was going to change.”
“It was Halloween and I was invited by the McKenzie’s to go trick or treating with them and then spend the night afterwards. It was the first time I had ever been invited to sleep over at a friend’s house and I was ecstatic. It was a Friday and all day at school Ralph and I talked about how much candy we would get. We had brought our costumes to school and I was going to get off of the bus at their house afterwards. My parents, of course, couldn’t have cared less about providing me a costume, but Ralph’s mom had made one for both us. Using cardboard and aluminum foil, she made each of us a suit of armor, a sword, and a shield. We were knights in shining armor ready to slay the great dragon. Marie had done a great job and when we tried the costumes on she had to get a picture of us together. We were so happy and we spent all day at school in our costumes.”
“That night we went from house to house for about three hours and we filled our bags with candy. When we finally got home to Ralph’s, we dumped the candy on the floor and counted out all we got while trading the candy we didn’t want with each other. I loved Ralph’s house. It was a nice two-story that was secluded by woods on three sides. The front of the house faced east towards a farmer’s field, and it had a great view of the sunrise. Next to the house was a barn. It was there when the McKenzie’s had bought the house and they still allowed the neighboring farmer to store hay bales in it for his livestock. We spent a lot of days playing in that barn.”
“Well, that night we were going to slay the evil dragon that lived in there because we were knights of the realm! We went out to the garage and planned out our adventure. Now to this day, I don’t know why I had this in my coat pocket, but while we were in the garage I pulled out one of my parent’s lighters. I can still picture it as plain as day. It was a blue lighter with a chrome top and red tab.”
“When I discovered I had it, I pulled it out and said to Ralph, ‘Have you ever seen a lighter before?’”
“‘Only in stores,’ Ralph replied. He had grown up in an entirely different environment than I had, so this was a new thing for him to see one up close. ‘How does it work?’”
“‘Well, you run your thumb down on this wheel and then hold this tab. The spark the wheel makes is supposed to make a flame. Check it out.’”
“In one click, I was able to make a flame appear.”
“‘Cool!’ Ralph said and he focused his eyes on the flame. I can still remember how the flame looked reflected off of his huge glasses. ‘Can I try?’”
“‘Sure,’ I said and I handed it over to him. After a few tries he got it.”
“‘Wow! I did it!’ He said beaming.”
“I looked down on the garage floor and noticed a few leaves had blown in through the door when it had been opened. I grabbed one by the stem and held it up in front of Ralph’s face. ‘Watch this,’ I said as Ralph gave the lighter back to me. With the flick of my thumb, I lit the top of the dry leaf and held the stem while it burned up around it.”
“‘Wow, that’s awesome!’ Ralph said and for the next few minutes we gathered up stray leaves and watched them burn.”
“As we were in the middle of another burning leaf, we heard Ralph’s mom calling for us to come inside and get ready for bed. She was going to let us sleep in the family room, which was on the second floor above the garage. We quickly threw the leaf down, stomped on it, and ran inside. After a few minutes, we ate some candy as we were watching the show It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown while lying down on the couches. It had been a great day.”
“We both had fallen asleep before the show even ended. About an hour later, I woke up because I had to use the bathroom, which was down the hall. Half asleep, I walked down the hallway into the bathroom and was probably in there for about 5 minutes when I began to see smoke creeping in from under the door. In a panic, I threw the door open to see a cloud of smoke coming out of the family room. In the early 1980’s, smoke alarms weren’t as pushed in houses as they are now. There was no warning that something was on fire until you saw and smelled the smoke.”
“I ran down the hall screaming ‘Ralph! Ralph!’ and as I screamed the smoke started to gag me. It was already so hot. At the other end of the hallway, was Jack and Marie’s room and at the sound of my yelling, Jack threw his door open to see his worst nightmare before him. His house was on fire and his child was still in it.”
“At that moment, I heard another person coughing and hacking and saw that Ralph was crawling toward the doorway. Unfortunately, he was still halfway across the room. I tried to get closer, but the smoke and heat were unbearable. Ralph got closer as Jack reached the doorway of the room. Jack was about to step in as we heard a huge cracking noise in the floor and saw flames shoot up in between Ralph and us. In horror, Jack and I watched as Ralph, who was only ten feet away from us on his hands and knees, reached out and screamed ‘Daddy!’ as the floor collapsed. Ralph fell into the flaming garage below.”
“‘Nooooooo!’ Jack screamed and in one motion he turned around, grabbed me by the waist, and ran with me in his arm down the hallway to the stairs. Marie was there hysterically screaming, ‘Where’s Ralphie? Where’s my baby?’”
“Jack yelled, ‘He’s in the garage and I’m going to get him!’”
“He ran downstairs with me still in one arm and put me on the ground as he ran for the garage door in the kitchen. When he got there he opened the door to an inferno. There was no hope in rescuing his son. He was gone.”
“All three of us ran outside of the house and watched in horror as the flames traveled across the roof and began to envelop the whole house. Out in the country there is only a volunteer fire department and there were no cell phones. So the fire raged for about 30 minutes before any help came. We sat there weeping as we watched everything the McKenzie’s had disappear, including their precious and only son. I didn’t understand at that time the concept of smoldering and the fire investigators said the fire had started where the trashcans were stored. Something had lit the trash on fire and they weren’t sure what had started it. I understood what happened. One of the stems of the leaves we had burned was still smoldering and it was enough to start the trash on fire. I knew it had to be the leaves because I remembered throwing the stems in the trash. I didn’t tell anybody, though. I couldn’t bear the guilt. I was absolutely devastated. I had killed my best friend.”
“I couldn’t take it. My life had just gotten better and now it was worse than I ever could have imagined. A police officer took me home in the early morning and, when I got there, my parents began to scold me because they thought I was in trouble. When the police officer explained what happened, their demeanor changed to relief. I saw a glimmer of hope. I thought I was finally going to get some affection. However, after the cop drove away my Dad said to me, ‘You’re lucky you weren’t in trouble. The last thing we need around here is a cop snooping around. Just go to your room and we’ll call it even.’”
“I was stunned. ‘What do you mean, “Call it even”?’ I asked.”
“‘It means that I’m letting you off lightly for having a cop here!’”
“‘My friend just died!’ I screamed as tears freely ran down my face.”
“In response, my Mom yelled back, ‘Don’t you talk back to your, Father! You better go to your room now or you won’t get lunch or supper!’”
“At that moment, I physically felt as if something snapped in the middle of my chest. I had never felt such sorrow, guilt, and rejection. I stood there numb and then slowly turned and walked to my room. My eight-year-old heart was broken.”
“After that day, everything went downhill for me. I was so consumed with sorrow that I began to not care about anything. I couldn’t face reality anymore. I couldn’t bear to think about Jack and Marie as they cried helplessly watching their burn
ing house knowing their son was gone. Every night I would have nightmares. I watched over and over again as Ralph screamed for his ‘Daddy’ right before he fell through the floor. I didn’t go to the funeral because I was so ashamed, so guilty, and so scared. I couldn’t bear to see Jack and Marie upset at me. I assumed that they were mad because I lived and their son died. About a month later, we got a phone call from Jack, but my parents hung up on him. They refused to let me talk to him. They said I had already caused enough trouble.”
“I didn’t care about life and as a way of coping with my pain I turned extremely bitter and extremely tough. I got into a lot of fights with other kids. My pain turned to rage. If someone looked at me wrong, they paid for it. I got involved with the wrong crowd and by junior high I was already smoking and drinking. Anything I could do to mask the pain, I did. By high school, I had grown very street smart. I couldn’t have cared less about my grades, but I did just enough to pass each year. I had a goal. I needed to get my drivers license and that required drivers education class so I had to do well enough to pass that and then I was out of there. So in my sophomore year I turned 16, passed drivers ed, got my license, and dropped out of school.”
My dad called me a loser and that was the last thing he ever said to me because I knocked him out cold, left the house, and never saw my parents again. I’m not saying I’m proud of that. My parents deserved a lot of things, but it wasn’t my job to carry it out. All I wanted from them was love and I never got it. They were lost people and I regret what I did.”
“I got a job working for a contractor as a carpenter building houses. I could work with my hands well and I learned quickly. I still had attitude, but I kept my job. I lived with a buddy, who I paid rent to, and I also got involved with dealing drugs on the side. My life was a blur of partying, fighting, and revelry. I had very few friends and the friends I did have were only people that I could use. On the street, people began to call be Madman. It was a play off of my last name, Madsen, and it aptly described who I was. I did what I wanted and if you got in my way you paid for it.”
The Scarlet Plan Page 6
