by A. J. Markam
That’s not the part that’s germane to the battle in the alleyway, though.
The other problem when Dachshunds get paralyzed is that they lose control over their bodily functions.
Dad’s friend lived in Maine. Pretty damn cold in the wintertime.
So instead of taking Dutch outside for a walk, the guy would just hold him out a window – and squeeze.
Worked like a charm.
I figured the same thing might happen with Stig.
It did.
It just came out another hole, is all.
“BLEGGHHHHH!” Stig blurped as he projectile vomited over the entire group.
An entire night’s worth of drinking went everywhere.
Some of it even spattered on an invisible Rogue standing next to the others, outlining his form in puke.
Seems we were up against five rather than four.
I’d merely wanted to distract them, but Stig’s improvised new attack had an unexpected benefit.
“IT STINGS!” one of the hunters screamed as he clawed at his face.
“MY EYES!” the second hunter howled.
“I CAN’T SEE!” the mage screeched.
Wow…
…hadn’t anticipated that.
The ranged fighters were blinded, unable to fire –
Which meant they were sitting ducks.
“Alaria, hit them from the front!” I yelled as I blasted the thugs.
First I hit them with Hellstorm, where a bunch of little bat-winged demons pelted the entire group with burning sulfur.
Then I slapped one hunter with Doomsday, a delayed attack that would beat his ass down in 20 seconds.
I hit the mage with Chain of Darkness, a lasso of tiny demons that binded him for ten seconds while sapping his hit points…
And I cast Terrify on the other hunter, which sent him running away as fast as his legs could take him.
Meanwhile, Alaria blasted them from the other side with her fireballs.
Despite her low hit points, Meera waded in bravely with her flaming sword, proving that there are very few places angels fear to tread.
The one humongous advantage we had was that the entire group was blinded by alcohol and hydrochloric acid.
Or whatever videogame imps have in their stomachs.
It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
Within two minutes, every last thug was dead – even the hunter who had run away. He’d just slammed blindly into the nearest wall, then staggered back angry but blind.
Easy pickins.
4
I lowered the magic carpet to the alleyway and stepped off onto the ground. While I looted the mobsters’ corpses for weapons and armor I could resell, I used Self-Sacrifice to get Meera back up to full Health.
“Not cool, boss,” Stig grunted from where he sat on the magic carpet.
“What, looting them?” I asked, confused.
Looting was an integral part of the videogame – and it wasn’t like Stig to suddenly develop scruples.
Plus, having to deal with the stench rising up from the puke, well – I deserved some payback for that.
“No,” Stig said, and poked his own belly. “THAT.”
“Oh. Sorry – did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“My booze!” Stig said angrily, gesturing at the vomit-flecked corpses all around us.
So that’s what he was upset about.
“I’ll give you more money so you can go drinking again later.”
“Okay,” he said happily, mollified.
“That was DISGUSTING,” Meera snarled.
She already didn’t like Stig – angels had a big ol’ bigotry thing against demons – and his new attack didn’t exactly endear him to her more.
“You’ve gotta admit, though, it was effective,” I said. “That’s, like, the most devastating attack you have, Stig.”
“And wasteful,” he grunted.
I laughed as I thought of something. “I know – we’ll call it DPD: the Drunk Pillsbury Doughboy.”
The entire group stared at me blankly.
“You know,” I tried to explain, “because you poke him in the belly, but instead of going – ”
I let out a HEE-HEE! just like Poppin Fresh does when somebody touches his belly in the TV commercials.
“ – he just pukes. Good, huh?” I asked, happy with my pop culture mashup.
More blank stares.
“What’s a Pillsbury Doughboy?” Alaria finally asked.
Oh yeah.
I’d forgotten that this was a world without ready-to-bake biscuits or cookie dough in a tube.
“Is it a demon?” Meera asked warily.
“No, he’s – um…”
How do you explain a CGI character in a TV commercial to a bunch of NPCs in a medieval fantasy world?
“Um, he’s a creature about Stig’s height, and all white – ”
“Sounds like a demon,” Meera said.
“No – he wears a baking hat – ”
“A baking demon, who creates his infernal treats in the fires of Hell,” Meera spat.
“Which one?” Alaria asked.
“What?” Meera said, confused.
“Which hell? There are seven of them.”
“I don’t know,” Meera said peevishly.
“There’s no such thing as a baking demon,” I protested.
“Oh yes there is,” Alaria, Meera, and Stig all said at the same time.
“Really?”
“Yup.”
Huh.
You learn something new every day.
“Never mind, it’s something from my world, not yours,” I explained.
“Is it an ‘expression’?” Stig asked distastefully.
Rain checks, nuclear bombs, TMI – my demons hated Earth expressions.
“Forget the Pillsbury Doughboy!” I shouted. “We’ll call it something else.”
“I think you should call it ‘Disgusting Imp,’” Meera said crossly.
Stig jerked towards her and feigned throwing up again. “Bleh!”
“AAAH!” Meera screamed as she jumped backwards.
“Stig, cut it out,” I said, then laughed again. “I know – we’ll call it ‘Roman Showers.’”
Blank looks again.
“What’s a Roman?” Alaria asked.
“Sounds like a demon,” Meera sniffed. “Dee-MON, Ro-MON – ”
“No, no – it’s like ‘golden showers,’ but instead of peeing, you…”
It was a little too gross to finish that thought.
“What’s peeing?” Alaria asked.
Oh man.
I’d also forgotten that there weren’t any bodily functions in OtherWorld.
Except, apparently, puking your guts out.
“It’s – never mind,” I sighed.
“Do people in your world vomit on each other for sexual pleasure?” Alaria asked, finally realizing what I’d been talking about.
“No! I mean, a few, I guess – a weird few – ”
“Honey,” Alaria said with real concern in her voice, “you know I like a lot of things, but that crosses the line.”
“No, no, I’m not into Roman showers!” I said, grossed out.
She continued as though she hadn’t heard me. “I mean, you don’t want me penetrating you – ”
“In da butt,” Stig piped up.
“ – but you enjoy vomit?”
“NO, I DO NOT ENJOY VOMIT!”
“Why do you talk about it so much, then?” Meera asked.
“Yeah, boss,” Stig agreed. “Why you like puke so much?”
“STOP IT, ALL OF YOU!” I shouted, and threw some of the money I’d gotten from the thugs at Stig. “Here, go get a refill!”
“Thanks, boss!” he said happily as he grabbed the coins and fled down the street towards the Underneath.
“What about us? We killed more criminals than the imp did,” Meera complained. �
��He didn’t even kill any, he just – ugh! I don’t even want to think about what he did!”
Alaria smirked, held up her index finger, and wiggled it. “Well, I’ve got some fingerings coming to me.”
“You already used up everything on credit,” I said hurriedly.
“Aw, man,” she pouted.
“We really should go kill some more bad guys – ”
“You really should be in school,” a severe voice said behind me.
I turned around in surprise to see an elf in black robes at the entrance to the alleyway. His hair was jet black, and his eyes glowed blue.
“You must choose your path,” he intoned darkly.
Ah. An NPC warlock, apparently.
He was talking about selecting my specialty as a Warlock. (As a player class, ‘Warlock’ was capitalized, just like Hunter or Warrior – but when you were talking about NPCs with the power to enslave demons, it was lowercase.) Now that I was Level 40, I had a choice of what types of overall powers I wanted to wield.
Alaria’s previous ex-master, Hritch the hobgoblin, had mentioned my having to choose. So had the bony warlock shopkeeper in the Underneath. According to him, there was an academy in Exardus where I could go to complete the next tier of my training.
Now, with the elf’s entrance, the game was apparently chiding me for not leveling up.
“Soon,” I promised the elf.
He just shook his head in contempt and walked out of sight down the street.
“What’s he talking about?” Meera asked.
“Ian is supposed to choose what kind of warlock he’s going to be, and he has to go to some school somewhere to do it,” Alaria explained.
She would know all about it. She had, after all, served a lot of masters over the years.
Nine of whom we were trying to kill.
So far it was six down and two to go.
Yes, I realize that only made eight. I hadn’t offed Alaria’s third master, the hot female pirate Tarka, because… well… after I’d had a threesome with a woman, I kind of got squeamish about killing her.
Not Alaria. She’d been all for it, but I’d overruled her.
Instead, we’d left her imprisoned aboard Tarka’s old ship Revenge, which was now run by a bunch of demons who had originally been her crew. I’d liberated them, which bound them to me without enslaving them.
After a deal I’d made with them to go to the frozen plains of the Northern Barrens, Krug and his crew had set off from Exardus after the ship was repaired. I’d gotten into hock with Varkus and really fucked up with Alaria –
Ah, screw the recap.
You know the story.
Anyway, I wasn’t about to kill Tarka, so it was looking like I might not fully complete the entire Ex-Masters quest, which was a shame. I was sort of OCD about that kind of thing. Not completing quests left me with a feeling like I was trying to scratch an itch I couldn’t… quite… reach.
Fuck it. I wasn’t going to kill Tarka.
But I was intrigued by the new powers I could get if I just went to the Academy.
“Maybe I should go,” I mused aloud.
“What – right now?!” Alaria exclaimed.
“I might get some awesome powers that could help us clean up Exardus.”
“You – goody-goody two-shoes,” Alaria spat, apparently hitting me with the worst insult she could think of.
“I am not,” I said indignantly.
Alaria turned to Meera. “YOU’RE an angel – isn’t he being a goody-goody two-shoes?”
“I hope not,” Meera murmured, and blushed. “I know I haven’t… so I should be punished.”
“You hear that?!” Alaria yelled at me. “She deserves to be punished! You’re turning down that – and THESE – ”
At this point Alaria grabbed one of her own massive tits in one hand, and groped one of Meera’s more modestly sized but still plentiful breasts with the other, and jiggled them both up and down.
Shook them in my face, if you will.
(Meera’s was actually encased in steel boob armor, but it was the thought that counts.)
“ – so you can go to fucking school?!” Alaria finished. “Like a goody-goody two shoes?!”
Alaria was a persuasive saleswoman when she wanted to be.
It didn’t help that Meera was now biting her lower lip and moaning slightly as Alaria groped her.
“Okay, okay,” I said with a grin. “I’ll play hooky to get some nooky.”
Alaria stopping bobbling her and Meera’s breasts and squinted at me distrustfully. “Is that an expression?”
“Eh, it’s more like I mashed up two and made them rhyme – ”
“Please, just stop with the expressions and fuck us,” Meera begged me.
I was never one to turn a lady down.
Even if she was computer-generated.
5
We flew back to the apartment on my flying carpet. Not because Alaria and Meera couldn’t fly using their own wings, but because doing so gave us some time for foreplay.
Alaria had convinced me to get a magic carpet instead of a wyvern or griffin or some other cooler-looking mount because, and I quote, You can’t fuck on a wyvern. And believe me, I’ve tried.
I would have to trust her on the wyvern part, but damn if she wasn’t right about the carpet.
I knelt on my knees as we sped along. Meera was in front, facing me and straddling me as we made out. Alaria was behind me, pressing her tits against my back and licking and nibbling at my neck and ears.
I tried to ignore the smoke from the fires raging all around us in the city.
It’s just a computer game, I reasoned.
I’ll go to the Academy afterwards and get some really kickass powers and take care of it later, I promised.
Ignoring social chaos is surprisingly easy to do when two gorgeous women are making out with you, by the way.
Things really took off when we got back to the apartment and into Meera’s bedroom.
Alaria quickly stripped off her leather bikini and thigh-high boots, and she and I hastily took off Meera’s armor until she was standing there nude.
The women turned to undress me, but I stopped them. “Wait – I want you to do some things for me first.”
“Like what?” Alaria asked.
“Just… get a bit closer to her,” I said, gently nudging her towards Meera.
I pressed each of them in the smalls of their backs until they were mere millimeters away.
Then I slightly angled Alaria until one of her nipples was touching Meera’s.
That was the only contact between their bodies: Alaria’s dark red areola next to Meera’s pale pink one.
Both women’s nipples grew stiff and erect as they touched each other.
“Mmm,” Alaria murmured as she stared hungrily at Meera.
The angel whimpered and closed her eyes as her face blushed bright red. “Oh… I shouldn’t be doing this…”
“I know, you shouldn’t,” I agreed. “Alaria… just baaaarely touch her clit, will you?”
Alaria smirked and placed her hand between Meera’s thighs.
I knelt down to watch.
Alaria normally had long, feminine fingernails, which could turn into vicious claws when she wanted. But they could also retract, leaving her nails as short as she wanted them.
The Magical Lesbian Manicure, you might say.
She did it now until there was no danger of hurting Meera.
Then Alaria’s crimson-colored finger slowly ran through the golden curls just above Meera’s sweet little cleft… and then gently found her clit.
I was so close, I could see that Alaria just barely touched the glistening pink pearl with the tip of her finger.
A tiny stroke, no more than a wisp of a touch.
“OH,” Meera moaned as the muscles in her belly fluttered.
“Keep touching her like that,” I ordered Alaria. “Just barely tease her.”
“I thought I was supposed
to be punished,” Meera said, her eyes opening wide.
“Oh, it’ll turn into punishment soon enough.”
Alaria grinned down at me. “I like your thinking, but I could use a little something, too.”
“I’ve got you covered,” I said with a wink.
Then I got on the floor behind Alaria…
Gently forced her to part her legs…
And began to lick the inside of her thighs.
“Oh… that’s nice,” Alaria murmured.
I also began to knead her cheeks. She really had a spectacular ass – big and firm, with just the right combination of muscle and softness.
I cupped one cheek in each hand and gripped it, slowly massaging her between my outstretched fingers.
“Ohhhhhhh…”
“You still just barely touching Meera?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Unh… yes…” Meera moaned, her eyes closed, her nipples now hard enough to cut glass.
“Touch yourself, too,” I said. “Lightly.”
“Mmmm,” she murmured, and used her other hand to gently touch her own clit.
Still kneeling behind her, I slowly trailed my tongue up to Alaria’s groin and licked the place where her legs met her body – although I kept clear of her labia. I slowly worked my way towards them but never quite touched them.
The slit between her crimson lips began to grow wet on its own. Tiny beads of moisture appeared like dewdrops on rose petals.
“Oh Goddess… just fuck me already,” she moaned.
“No,” I said, and licked upwards –
Between her ass cheeks.
As I mentioned before, there were no bodily functions in OtherWorld. Everything was a computer simulation, after all.
So the backdoor was as sparkling clean as the front, if you know what I’m saying.
I slowly trailed my tongue along the couple of inches of skin behind her pussy…
And then I reached her puckered little asshole…
And I sank my tongue inside her.
“OHHHH GODDESS,” Alaria moaned.
She was hot – scorching hot – and tasted like cinnamon and sugar.
I slowly moved my head back and forth, softly fucking her ass with my tongue.
“OH… OH… OH…”
“What?! What’s he doing?!” Meera whined. “Do it to me!”
