by Mercy B
Closing my eyes, I decided against watching the show that he was putting on. Quickly, he became aware of my uneasiness and began patching together the pieces he’d broken within me. Lifting his body until his mouth was at my ear, he went on and on.
“I love you,” was the first to come from his lips.
“I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through, G.” His left hand caressed the side of my face.
“I’m going to die making you happy. That’s a promise,” he spat out next before pausing.
“But before we can get to that shit, there’s something that I need you to know.” He raised up and stared down at me. “I ain’t kill your homegirl. That ain’t me.”
I’d felt him staring, so I reopened my eyes. I wanted to look him in the face as he lied to me, knowing damn well it was him. There was no other explanation for why he’d been arrested.
“I’m free because they have yet to be able to prove anything, and they have nothing to prove. Brielle got into some shit she couldn’t handle and decided that life wouldn’t be worth living with everything she had riding against her. I ain’t touch ole girl,” he stated while wiping the tears that continued to fall from my eyes.
“I’m so happy to see you awake. Sophia and I have been here every day. Every day. Making sure we didn’t miss this moment. I’m going to get the doctor in here so that they can get this shit out of your throat. I want to hear you scream and yell at me, ’cause I know that shit coming.”
Managing to roll my eyes, I displayed the disdain that I had for him as best as I possibly could. The sight of his lips curving into a smile frustrated me even more than I already was. In all honesty, I was pissed with myself for wanting to fight him and then allow him to fuck me into another coma.
There was something about this Sosa before me. He wasn’t the man that I’d chased across the border, and neither was he the man that I’d sent the wrong message to. Surely, he wasn’t the uptight asshole that I’d grown to love and not the nigga that had nearly killed my ex in broad daylight either.
Something was different. Maybe a lot was different. Listening to him each day as his patience never wore thin with our daughter and hearing him speak so fluently about the love and desires that he had for me—for us—had fogged my head and caused confusion beyond relief. This man that he’d become was the man that I had wanted him to be for the last year. And here he was. Yet he’d burned the bridge between us and separated us for good.
Sosa reached over me to press the call button for the nurse. When the voice appeared on the speaker, he informed the nurse that I had awakened and needed the tube to be removed from my mouth. She squealed in glee before assuring him that a doctor would be in shortly.
“Welcome back,” Dr. Slope sang as he watched the nurses clean the discharge that came out along with the tube that was down my throat.
He wasn’t my OB, so I wasn’t very familiar with him. However, according to the staff, he was the one that had been assigned to my case and had been taking care of me during my stay. After I’d healed and Sophia was cleared, my doctor was relieved of duties.
I wanted to rub my throat, but my strength failed me again. The scratchiness was irritating, and I wanted nothing more than to massage it. Speaking seemed impossible due to the dryness, which led to uncontrollable coughing and a need for lubricant.
“She’s fine. Get her a glass of water to hydrate.” Dr. Slope assured the nurses who sprang into action. “You’ve been down some time, Ms. Morrison. Because of this, your body must be rehabbed, and your limbs must learn their primary functions again. Talking, walking, and moving won’t be as easy as it was before you had the baby. We’re going to assign you to a rehabilitation center that you have the option of acquiring outpatient or inpatient services through. Physical therapy is mandatory if you ever want to regain full mobility again.”
The water I was sipping through the straw was soothing to my achy airway. Hearing everything the doctor was telling me, I attempted to process the fact that I was really in fucked-up shape. I wondered why I couldn’t move a muscle, and now I knew why. It was torturous enough, lying in this damn bed all of this time, and to find out I wouldn’t be able to care for myself was even more devastating. I’d just had a baby for Christ’s sake. Not being able to care for my first child would eat me alive. In a moment’s notice, I closed my eyes and began to do something I’d never been a fan of.
God, what have I done to deserve this type of cruelty?
Haven’t I been punished enough for my sins?
Why must Sophia suffer too?
Question after question surfaced with no responses in return. I’d tuned the doctor’s advisories out and waited patiently to be answered. There had to have been a reason for God’s cruel and unjust punishment. I’d been a healthy woman up until the birth of Sophia, but the prolonged suffering was simply uncaused for.
A knock on the door brought me back from whatever faraway place I’d escaped to. Taking a peek over the doctor’s shoulder, I noticed Sosa standing at the door with Sophia in his hands. He’d been asked to exit the room as the medical staff removed the tube and ran a few tests. That had been some time ago, and I was certain he was losing his mind wondering what was going on inside of my room.
“Mr. Law. We were just finishing up here,” the nurses informed him. “Come on inside.”
“I was coming anyway.” Sosa chuckled, but there was no joking to his comment. I knew he’d meant what he said, and so did the nurses.
“I’m going to get out of here. Take care, Ms. Morrison!” Dr. Slope hollered over his shoulder before exiting.
“We will have someone come in and freshen you up when the sun rises,” the final nurse left in the room spoke.
“That won’t be necessary.” Sosa cleared his throat. “Take a look at hospital records and see that I’ve been appointed as her caregiver. There won’t be another one of your little servants putting his hands on her body again. I took the course downstairs. I’m certified.”
“Oh, right.” She retracted her statement. “Someone did inform me that she has a personal caregiver.”
This was news to me. I had no idea that Sosa had taken the time to become a certified caregiver and care for my needs. Really. Who was this nigga standing before me with our sleeping daughter in his hands? A caregiver? My caregiver? Had hell frozen over yet?
“I have everything she’ll need. Is it okay if I help her in the shower this time? It’s been months since she’s been inside, and I’m sure she would love that.”
“Yes. Whatever you feel is best. Right now, the only thing she’s hooked up to is a cat—”
“What is required for her to let that go? She can speak now.” Sosa started toward us.
“But she can’t walk. Not yet.”
“If she tells me she has to go, then I’ll take her.” Sosa shrugged, placing Sophia in the bassinet before beginning to swaddle her with a large blanket. He was seriously freaking me out with his handiness.
“And if you’re not here?” she continued.
“I’m never not here. I’m putting in more hours than you possibly can. ’Round the clock, I’m here. Baby girl too,” he informed the nurse. I wasn’t familiar with her voice, so I was certain she was newly assigned or filling in for someone.
“Oh. I had no idea. I can have that taken off of her now, in that case.”
“Good. I’ll wait outside,” Sosa offered and turned to leave us alone.
Chapter 5
Gauge
When he returned, I was finally alone again, and the sun was peeking its head. It would rise soon, but not at least for another hour or more. I was happy to finally have a second to breathe but was leery about his presence. Honestly, I wanted him gone, but I knew that him leaving meant that Sophia would disappear as well. I wasn’t ready to depart with her just yet.
“You ready to hit the shower before Soph wakes?” Sosa questioned, which caused me to turn my head in his direction. For at least a minute, I said nothi
ng and continued to stare back at him with a hundred and three thoughts rushing to my brain at once.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to fight. I wanted to break his heart like he’d broken mine. I wanted to fuss at him. I wanted to curse him for old and new. I wanted him to be the same person he was before I was in this predicament so that I could hate him as much as my mind was telling me to.
“Why are you here?” The words were low and pained in an inexplicable manner, but they were out, nonetheless.
“Why are you here?” I repeated in case he had suddenly become hard of hearing. This time, the words were a bit clearer and a few notches louder.
“I’m here because you need me here as much as I need to be here,” he responded as he closed in on my bed. “I’m here because Sophia needs to know her mother’s scent and her voice no matter how small she is or what predicament you’re in. I’m here because there’s nowhere else in the world that I’d rather be right now. That’s why the fuck I’m here,” he fussed.
“You shouldn’t be here. There’s someone else who can bring Sophia to see me. My father. My mother…”
“Fuck your mother! Let’s start there. And your father. He may have raised you and did a fine job, but that nigga a real pussy. He comes to visit you once a week, G. According to him, the pain of seeing you laying in the coma is much too unbearable, so he stays away.
“And when he visits, he doesn’t even bother looking your way. He spends his thirty or forty minutes with Sophia. Shit, I’d like to think that his presence meant I could take a little break, but I be scared to leave the room when he comes, too afraid he might jet at any second.
“And Sauni… She’s got her own shit to deal with. That husband of hers isn’t exactly innocent, and baby girl has been having it hard these last two months. She went into preterm labor two weeks ago. She and the baby doing well. I know that because the poor girl calls every day to check on your status, and she isn’t even doing well her damn self. So who, G? Who better than me? Huh? If I wasn’t here, no one would be here right now!”
“That’s a lie, and you know it.”
“I’ll prove it. Don’t call your pops and let him know you’re awake and see just how long it takes that nigga to bring his ass up here.” Sosa was in flames, trying to keep his voice down so that he wouldn’t wake Sophia.
“Sosa, you’re—”
“When Sauni calls, I’ll put the phone up to your ear so that you can hear the fear in her voice. The damn girl trembles as she talks.” He wasn’t cutting me any slack. “You can hate a nigga for whatever reason you feel entitled to, but know that I’m here for my daughter and the mother of my child. You wanted a nigga to man the fuck up, so here I am. And you don’t even know how to accept that shit.”
“Because it is all a fucking game, Sosa. You’re only doing this because you’re remorseful for Brielle.”
“Fuck Brielle. That’s keeping it a buck. That was your friend. I didn’t give two fucks about the bitch. She ain’t crossed my mind since I been in this motherfucker, not like that. The only time I’m thinking about anything remotely close to her is when I’m chopping it up with my lawyer. The only woman I’m concerned with right now is you.”
“You’re so fucking full of yourself!” I yell-whispered.
“Nah. You full of yourself. I’m ’round this motherfucker, meeting your needs and the needs of our daughter, and you ready to put a nigga out. Well, guess what… I ain’t going no fucking where. And if you plan on telling these crackers to put me out, I’ll let you piss that bed and sit in it before I clean your ass up. I know how much you hate piss touching you, so try me!”
Desperately, I attempted holding it in, but I failed miserably. Laughter shot from the root of my belly, up my throat, and out of my mouth. Though Sosa was dead set on what he’d said, he found humor in his comment as well. It was childish and immature, but he was serious, and we both knew it.
“A man?” I continued in a fit of laughter. “Really? How much lower can you scoop, Sosa?”
“I’on know. Give me some time, and I’ll have some more shit thought of. But that’s all I’ve got for now.” Shrugging, he flung the cover backward and exposed my gown.
It wasn’t a hospital issued one, so I was certain that he’d purchased it for my comfort. “Now, I’m not asking you this time. I’m about to carry you into this shower and clean your little dirty ass pussy and shit.”
“You’re seriously using my disability to your advantage right now?” I inquired in disbelief.
“Yeah, ’cause a nigga finally feeling like he’s on to something. Finally feeling like he’s being what you need, and you just shooting me down. I ain’t here just laying around, and neither am I in the street fucking around, but now that your big ass mouth is free, you’re going to down a nigga every chance you get.
“I get it. I understand. You pissed at me, but that’s not ’bout to stop me from doing me, G. I’m here. Let’s deal with that other shit when you get better. But for now, let me be here because there’s no one else that is!”
“Sosa, this doesn’t change anything. I won’t stop you from caring for Sophia, but I don’t need you caring for me. That’s what the staff is here for. After this shower, consider yourself relieved of duty. I don’t need you anymore.”
I’d shattered something. It was written all over his face. Something within him had broken, and there was finally something to celebrate within me. The shoe had been on the opposite foot for some time now, and I’d finally gotten one in. The victory was short-lived when I felt my body being lunged forward and Sosa pulling me up from the bed.
“It’s your world, G. Whatever you want, ma.”
I could sense the uneasiness in Sosa’s tone as he carried me into the bathroom where there was a shower that had a bench. Thankfully, I’d be able to sit down while he washed me up because he would need both hands. At the thought of him touching me, I came to the realization that he’d be the one to get the last laugh actually.
The tingling sensation that I recalled having before I was confined to a bed and in a coma came rushing back to me. Closing my eyes as I was lowered onto the bench that he’d covered with a towel, I tried to control the urges that had risen by painting the ugliest picture of Sosa that I could conjure.
Murderer.
Drug dealer.
Cheater.
Nothing. Nothing stuck as he began questioning the water temperature. “Is this too hot?” he asked, using the extended shower head to splash a bit on me.
“No,” I answered, attempting to use the muscles in my back to hold myself up. It was a bit more complicated than expected.
“Cool. Let me get you out of this gown.” Sosa let the head fall to the floor and began undressing me. As he continued to hold me, I grew tired of my lack of muscle strength and sighed heavily.
“What’s the matter?” Stepping back, he removed his own shirt before doing the same with his pants so that they wouldn’t get wet.
“I want to hold my weight before we start.”
“G, it’s all good. I got you. That will come in due time, baby girl. Let’s focus on the positive right now.”
“No. I want to be able to hold myself up while you wash me up, Sosa.”
The emotions that I felt were heavy in my words, causing Sosa to pause and gaze into my teary eyes. “What if you can’t? I don’t want you overworking yourself.”
“I can. I know I can.”
“Well, if you can, then let’s do this shit. I’m going to count to three, and I’m going to let you go,” he warned.
“Wait. Not yet. Put your hand at the top of my back instead of the bottom,” I advised. “And let me get myself prepared before you let go.”
“Nah.” Sosa shook his head. “You said you can do, so do it, G. Don’t freeze up now.”
“Sos…” I hadn’t even finished his name before he’d left me to fend for myself, forcing me to put my money where my mouth was.
The second he took off to grab extra t
owels, I thought my world was crumbling around me. The walls began to spin as my body began to wobble and slightly sink to the floor. With my eyes closed, I summoned my strength with a few choice words.
Come on.
Come on. We’ve got this.
Don’t fail me.
We can do this.
With each opposing thought to my reality, I felt a jolt of energy surge through my disabled body. There was an insane amount of pain associated with my victory, but I managed to sit back up in the position that Sosa had left me in. However, I was aware that I wouldn’t be able to bear my own weight through the entire shower. Slightly disappointed, I opened my eyes and found Sosa staring daggers into my body.
“You did that shit, G!” Sosa cheered, flashing a huge smile and showcasing the happiness he harbored for my small victory.
“I can’t hold it much longer, Sosa. It really hurts.”
My breathing was ragged, and sweat beads began to form on my forehead. Exhaustion was present. Though I thought that I’d never say it, my mind was centered around the bed that I had just gotten up from. I wanted to do nothing more than to sleep for an hour or two.
“I got you.” Sosa rushed to my side and slid behind me on the bench. “Lay on my chest so that I’m able to use both of my hands, G.”
“So…” I was hesitant, not exactly feeling the position we were in.
“G, I ain’t pressed. You’ve made it clear that you’re not fucking with me, and I’m patient enough to put my selfishness aside for your care. You’re so focused on the wrong shit right now. Fuck!”
His attitude hadn’t changed, but his actions had. If this was any other time, he wouldn’t have been so patient with me. Sosa would’ve left me with a bruised heart and ego. I’d even expected for him to retreat and leave me in the bathroom to figure this shit out myself. Yet he stayed and didn’t allow my jaded thoughts of him to push him away.
