Ensign Probus

by Wendie Nordgren

  “I regret causing you an upset, but I don’t regret my actions. I had to stand up for myself, even if it was in a passive-aggressive way.”

  Gram’s previous expression, worn throughout her lecture about gracious lady-like behavior, gave way to one of concern. She was a strong empath and felt my indignation. Relenting enough to hear my side of it, she patted the seat of one of the tan leather chairs in front of Yukihyo’s desk and then sat on the other one. “Have I heard only one side of a long story?” She handed me a white, flower-patterned silk square.

  I wiped my eyes. “Yes, ma’am.” I swore her to secrecy and then told her about how Captain Espanoza had treated me onboard her ship after Luna 241. Then, I told her about her subsequent belittlement of me each chance she had gotten afterwards. The story took a while to tell. I felt a change in Gram’s emotions.

  After I had finished, Gram said, “That two-faced….” She pinched off her words, keeping whatever she had been about to say to herself. Raising an eyebrow, she said, “Well, her act had me fooled, playing the victim when she was the instigator. How could she? She should be encouraging you. Instead, she has been attempting to manipulate you with emotional abuse, knowing your history, too.” Gram’s cheeks turned pink, and her emotions seethed.

  It brought Ethan to the door. “Mother?”

  “Come in,” she called out in an angry tone of voice. She tapped her fingers against the desktop.

  Ethan looked between the two of us.

  Gram focused on him, and he stood up straighter. “I want you to go make a set of silk bedding for us right away. Teagan needs it before she leaves.”

  I was just as puzzled as Ethan. We looked from Gram to each other.

  Ethan asked, “Very well, Mother. Do you want sheets or a comforter set?”

  “All of it. Do them in Galaxic Militia blue with a penis pattern.”

  I gasped at her in shocked surprise and then burst out with laughter. “Gram, no. It’s okay. I feel better knowing you’re on my side.”

  Ignoring me, she said, “I mean it, Ethan. Go do it immediately. Make them like this.” She pulled out her vid-screen. Opening a fabric program, she drew a crude outline of a dick and hairy ball sack. Then, she randomized the size and direction so the pattern spread across the screen. Every two inches, there was a dick of a different size.

  Ethan kept a straight face because he knew she was furious. “Do you have a color preference for the genitalia?”

  She gave his question serious consideration. “Oh, pink, tan, brown, and black, the usual realistic shades, no pastels or neon shades.”

  Ethan bowed to us and left, shaking his head as he did so.

  “Ethan!”

  “Yes, Mother?”

  “Make a few decorative pillows in the same theme while you’re at it.”

  “Yes, Mother,” he said as he left.

  Gram patted my knee. “Teagan, your behavior was inappropriate. When you get to the land port, you’ll send this apology gift over to Captain Espanoza and tell her it was all my idea.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She held her arms out, and when I was close enough, she kissed me all over my face until I was giggling.

  After saying our goodbyes and doing a little last-minute cleaning, we left our Arachnean home behind for the land port. I was sad to leave, but I knew it was far more important to continue on with our mission under the guise of a family vacation and business trip to Earth. Yukihyo had been upholding his end of the ruse with continued discussions with Rupert Warren, the man who was still one of our main suspects.

  We had boarded the Empress but were still waiting for Phillip and Terre. They had called to let us know they were only a few minutes away. It didn’t matter since I had a task to complete.

  Fitz asked, “Shall I deliver your apology before they arrive?” He and the others who lacked telepathic abilities had no idea about the contents of the gifts I intended to deliver.

  I’d almost wet myself laughing when Ethan had shown Gram and me a few of the decorative pillows. One of the seamstresses had sewn them in the shapes of genitalia, enlarged from the bedding pattern, in coordinating colors, and had white curly silk ribbons exploding out of their tips. There were small ones, big ones, and medium-sized ones in pinks, tans, and browns.

  I smiled at Fitz. “No, I’ll deliver my apology myself. Will you put the gifts in my transport, please?”

  “Of course, darling. I’m terribly sorry your family insisted on your apology to her.”

  Eli was coldly furious. “It’s ridiculous. If she were a male, she would be whipped and forced to beg at your feet for your forgiveness.”

  I winked at him. He was confused by the humor he sensed from me along our new bond. “Thunderdrop, do you want to come with me?”

  “Chirp!”

  “Mommy! I want to go!” Neema ran to me and clutched at my skirt. She looked up at me with big, imploring eyes.

  “No,” I said firmly. She pouted at me. I shrugged at her.

  “Whatever.” She tossed her braids at me and went to play with her starship dollhouse.

  Fitz and I took the lift down to the transport bay where he loaded everything into the back for me. Then, Zared and Kaoti climbed inside before I could power it on.

  Zared said, “You’re not going alone.” He had his long, dove-grey hair secured at the nape of his neck and wore his uniform. He was way too sexy to argue with.

  “Fine,” I conceded. I drove us from my ship and over to the Constantine. After a bit of stalling and some redundant security checks, I was finally allowed to drive up the ramp and into the transport bay.

  Kaoti and Zared carried the large bags for me, and we were escorted by no less than six burly security officers up to Captain Espanoza’s office.

  I muttered, “Oh, stars. Someone really has her undies in a twist.”

  When we entered, she didn’t rise from her chair. Instead, she was putting on a show of being the person in charge, the bigger person, the wronged one who was accepting her well-deserved humble apology. “I see you’ve come to your senses.”

  “Oh, indeed. The Lady Alaric and I had a long discussion about my behavior and reactions. She explained to me how inappropriate it was for me to invade your privacy and insisted that I bring you a gift which she herself designed especially for you. Please, forgive me for my harmless little prank. You hurt my feelings, and I lashed out.”

  “Of course, no hard feelings.”

  Kaoti started laughing when she said, “hard.”

  It got Zared going.

  I curtsied, grabbed both of them, and hurried under our escort back to my transport. “Stop it, both of you. I’m trying to keep a straight face.” Powering on my transport, I drove us from enemy territory and back to the Empress.

  Kaoti asked, “You didn’t want to wait and see if she liked the gift?”

  “Um, do you know what was in the bags?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Look at the newest pictures on my vid-screen.”

  Kaoti and Zared were laughing so hard that it hurt my ears. They shared the pictures with the others and were busy cracking jokes when Terre and Phillip arrived.

  “Hey, Cupcake! Did you miss me? How are the cake pops?” He scanned my uterus.

  “Finally,” Eli said. “Captain Ricimer, take us up,” he ordered into a communication panel.

  “Hey, Phillip! Yes, I missed you. The babies are fine. How was your trip?”

  “Oh, it was great! I had my goddess all to myself in a remote location near a fully stocked lake. It was perfect.” He winked a blue eye at me. I wondered if he and Jazon had coordinated their getaways. Then, he herded Violet, Tracy, Sparrow, and me into the lift and down to the Infirmary to poke, prod, scan, and inject us all.

  Terre showed us no sympathy, having had the good doctor and his attentions to herself. Instead of interceding with her husband on our behalf, she absconded with Ulf and went off with him for a massage.

  With our photon
ic film, the trip to Earth would only take us a week and a half to make. We spent our time wisely, studying and planning. The Inquisitors researched possible locations which could be used to hide an alien presence. Yukihyo continued his dialogue with Rupert Warren, our prime suspect, and set up meetings with him. The wealthy starship builder had a business proposition for Ponidi Propulsions. Yukihyo’s job was to distract Warren so the Inquisitors could learn his secrets and if the Mad Ones had been blackmailing him. They needed proof. My team had been assigned to continue searching for alien technology in the hopes that it would give us a solid lead on the alien’s location. While I knew about the various objectives of those of us aboard, I had a specific task in addition to the one assigned to my team, drawing attention to myself. It wouldn’t be difficult. My ladies were looking at our visit to Earth in a completely different context. They were busily planning an itinerary of sightseeing. They saw it as a vacation, a last chance to enjoy a few activities before childbirth had us all being still and quiet for a few months.

  Onboard the Empress, we had easily fallen into our routines. Days passed, and each of us occupied ourselves with our own pursuits. The alien presence residing within the sphere I wore around my neck seemed to sense our course took us toward its own objective. Over the last few days, it had left its sphere a few times when I’d been alone to shimmer along my wrist and ring finger before returning to its sanctuary. It was almost as if it wanted to encourage me not to forget its presence as if I could.

  I sat near a viewport with my educational programs forgotten on my lap, staring at the bauble in question. The children sat on the floor nearby with Pierce and Lorca. Today, they were studying the universal alphabet.

  “D,” Poppy said. “Dog!”

  “Very good, Poppy!” Lorca complimented.

  Niklos was distracted from the lesson by his new bonded spiderling. Simon had given her travel permits to us before we had left along with several crates of spider food. At the moment, she was sitting on the back of a toy transport, and Thunderdrop was pushing her across the floor. Every now and then, she got excited and fell off.

  “Teagan,” Cedrenus said.

  Looking up from my necklace, I noticed Levi, Stayton, Binder, Ross, Tyler, and Clark watching me. “Huh?”

  Cedrenus asked, “Where on Earth might we narrow our search? Any ideas?”

  “No, none.”

  Tyler asked, “Have you tried to communicate with it? Maybe, it can lead us.”

  I said, “Other than giving me the occasional feeling and being able to move from pieces of metal, I don’t know how.”

  I sat and tried to figure out how to communicate with metal. Could we make a metal Ouija board and get it to talk to us? Did it know universal? Did it know the names of planets, cities, and towns? How would it even work? I didn’t know most of the places on Earth. I’d never had the credits to go anywhere. If it could play a game of “Hot or Cold” with us, it would be easier, but finding a single alien on an entire planet wasn’t something we could do with the snap of our fingers or a wish, not when there were those who were working overtime trying to disguise its presence from every sentient lifeform in the universes. Then, I had an epiphany.

  “I’ve got it! A compass!”

  Clark shrugged at me. “How’s that going to help?”

  “Don’t you get it? Old-fashioned ones were attracted….” I searched for it on my vid-screen. How had they worked?

  Stayton got my meaning and took over in explaining what I wasn’t completely sure how to explain. “Yes, we should try to teach the life form to point in the direction it wishes for us to take it. It’s so simple that it might work.”

  We got to work on our project, but teaching the alien how to point the arrow wasn’t so easy.

  Clark asked, “Where is the alloy? We should try to get it to point to it.”

  “Good idea,” Binder said.

  It took us the better part of the week, but the alien presence eventually understood what we wanted. We practiced with it by moving the alloy to different locations aboard the ship and then having it lead us to it.

  The closer we got to Earth, the more excitable it became. More frequently, it would leave its sphere to roll across my hands and up and down my arms. It was almost as if proximity to its trapped consciousness gave it strength. During its moments out of its sphere, Thunderdrop and Itsy, as we had been calling her for lack of an official name, chirped and cooed at it.

  “Uh! Stars! What is this putridly vile substance?” Dario exclaimed.

  Getting up from bed, I peeked into the sitting room. Dario stood with an expression of disgust and looked down at his bare foot. He held still while Ulf hurried to him with some waste paper. Niklos stood on the other side of a chair with Itsy hiding behind his neck.

  Dario said, “This is absolutely dreadful.”

  Lorca hurried forward with the floor bot.

  Yukihyo said, “I know what it is. Thunderdrop, it’s time Itsy learned to use the waste unit.”

  Nico chuckled at Dario, who hopped away into his quarters to disinfect the gooey, stinky mess from his foot. Ulf hadn’t managed to get all of it.

  Sparrow covered her mouth and ran for her own waste unit.

  “Sorry, Auntie Sparrow,” Niklos called after her.

  We’d trained Milk and Flake to do their business in a self-cleaning puppy potty box. However, Thunderdrop had vehemently refused to teach Itsy to go in it. He thought it was undignified. However, he was willing to teach her to use the waste unit. Imperiously, he followed Niklos, Itsy, and Yukihyo into the children’s room.

  A few minutes later, I heard Niklos yell, “Oh, no!”

  Following the sounds, I entered the room and looked inside of the bathroom. Yukihyo was laughing, and Niklos was holding Itsy in a towel. “Did she fall in?” I asked.

  “Chirp.” Thunderdrop showed me an image of the children’s first training potty.

  “Yes, it might work for her. I’ll ask Pierce if he can help me find it in storage.”

  It wasn’t long before we had a training potty set up for Itsy in the nursery bathroom, but she was still traumatized from falling into the waste unit.

  Pulling me aside, Yukihyo laughed and described eight claw-tipped spider feet sliding over the seat before finally losing purchase altogether and then the following plop. Rounding a corner, Niklos narrowed his eyes at us, so I held my lips between my teeth to keep from laughing. He walked by us with Itsy in his arms and took a seat on a chair. A towel covered his lap, and she perched on top of it, holding still while he carefully dried her.

  Yukihyo kissed my cheek. “We are going to spar. Is there anything you need before I go?”

  “Just this.” I wrapped my arms around his chest, closed my eyes, and hugged him. “I love you, husband.”

  “I love you, Lady Wife.”

  I watched while he and most of the other males on the Imperial Deck left to go to the exercise room.

  Terre called to me from the sitting area. “Teagan, is this an amusing excursion?”

  I moved to sit beside her on the couch and looked up at the wall-mounted vid-screen. She, Tracy, Violet, and Sparrow waited for my response. “Um. Wow. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been to see the ancient Egyptian pyramids.”

  “Why ever not? It looks fascinating. Let’s confirm those plans,” Terre said while Tracy nodded and used the control wand to enter the commands from where she sat.

  Sparrow took the wand from her and skimmed through a few of the other vacations the company offered. “Oh, what about this?” Sparrow wanted to ride elephants and go on a safari.

  I wasn’t sure riding an elephant while pregnant was a good idea and said so.

  My friends were having fun making all sorts of grand plans, and I humored them by paying for everything they wanted. After all, we were supposed to be calling attention to ourselves. It was surreal. As an unwanted little girl growing up on Earth, I’d seen pictures but never dreamed of visiting any of the places which we
re attractions to tourists from across the universes. Now, I could do or go wherever I wanted.

  “Look, the Princess is visiting Earth as well,” I said. I smiled, having dined with her captain in the past. While my friends searched for interesting sights to see, I dozed off on the couch while listening to their quiet voices.

  My cheek was pressed into a worn sofa, much rougher than mine, and it pulled me from my sleep. Feeling the piece of furniture beneath me, I realized it was smaller. I was no longer aboard my ship. This wasn’t my couch. Opening my eyes confirmed that I wasn’t where I belonged. Sudden fear sent my heart to racing. Throwing off the blanket which covered me, it hung before me, suspended in mid-air. Then, it rippled and shimmered. Suddenly, I was standing. Thunderdrop ran to me. His eight legs were blurred with his speed. Someone was chasing him! I had to protect him, but how? I reached for my blaster, drew it, but couldn’t make it fire. I kept trying, but it wouldn’t work. Then, black eyes filled my vision, Mad Ones. Spittle flew from his lips while he menacingly threatened, “I’ll rip off his legs, hang him from the ceiling, and use him as a pinata.” Then, he let out an ululating yell. His maniacal expression turned to one of glee, and a wide-brimmed sombrero appeared on his head as he danced and snapped his fingers to mariachi music.

  I woke up right where I had fallen asleep on the couch, but I was sweaty and terrified.

  Tracy was shaking me. “You were having a bad dream. It must have been because of the dreadful combination of peanut butter and olives which you ate.”

  Violet handed me a cold glass of milk. “Here. This should help.”

  “Teagan, it’s your turn to pick. Where do you want to visit?” Sparrow asked.

  Looking down at the glass of milk as I raised it to my lips for a sip, I saw the faintest shimmer of greenish-yellow from the sphere around my neck. Pinata. Why would a Mad One, a hybrid created in a lab by Dr. Stanly Crispus have used the word pinata? Why or when would he have been to Mexico? Laconians didn’t blend in on Earth, especially not illegal hybrid Laconians. The shimmering orb confirmed it.