by Bree Wolf
…but now never would be.
Sighing, Nathan once more turned to look at the door, wondering where Maggie was and if she would return, when his gaze fell on a little blond girl.
Startled, Nathan all but stumbled to a halt. “Hello?” he croaked, momentarily wondering if the girl was truly there or if his exhausted mind had for some odd reason conjured her image.
“Hello.” Smiling at him, she closed the door and stepped into the room. “My name is Blair,” she introduced herself. “Is yer hand feeling better?”
Still staring, Nathan nodded a bit like a fool. “Are you…are you Lady Tynham’s daughter?” The moment the words left his lips, he realised the girl−Blair−had spoken with a Scottish accent, and his heart sank. Maggie had yet another child that was not his. She’d lived a lifetime without him, and he envied her husband each and every moment he’d shared with her.
Although Blair didn’t answer his question, her round blue eyes looked into his in a way Nathan found very unsettling. It was as though she could look straight into his mind and read his thoughts, and a small smile came to her lips, letting him know she was well aware of the direction of his thoughts.
Nathan swallowed.
“Will ye have a seat?” she asked kindly when he couldn’t manage to string two words together. “Ye look a bit tired.”
“I’d…I’d rather stand,” Nathan replied, then began pacing again, his gaze lingering on the girl as she moved to seat herself on the settee. “Do you know where your…mother is?”
Blair cocked her head and regarded him with great interest for a long moment. Then she leaned back, the expression on her face one of utter ease. Nathan envied her. “She’s speaking to my brother. He’s rather angry.”
Nathan scoffed. “That much was obvious,” he muttered before he could stop himself, wondering if he should have said so in front of the boy’s sister. His gaze darted to her, trying to glean her reaction. Had he offended her?
“Ye think too much,” Blair observed with a slightly chiding tone to her voice that Nathan felt oddly reminded of his own sister. “Mother does so as well. It only complicates things.” She sighed. “Truly ‘tis all very simple.”
Having not the slightest idea what the girl was talking about, Nathan was at a loss, wondering if he should simply take his leave. Still, every fibre of his being detested the thought. He needed to know how Maggie felt, if there was a chance for them. The way she had clung to him, kissed him gave him hope. Still, everything was so complicated that−
Complicated?
Nathan paused as the thought made him think of the little girl and what she had said. When he turned back to look at her, he found her watching him rather intently, a teasing little smile playing over her face. “I told ye, ye think too much.”
Nathan didn’t know what to say.
“Sit,” Blair ordered.
And Nathan did.
“Do ye love her?”
Nathan almost fell off his chair. His jaw dropped, and he began to feel a bit lightheaded. Perhaps he truly ought to lie down.
“Dunna think,” Blair ordered yet again as she slipped off the settee and went to pour a glass of water from a tray on a side table. “It’ll only hurt yer head.” Then she walked over to him and offered him the glass. “It’ll make ye feel better.”
Gulping down the cool water as instructed, Nathan found that the girl was right. It did make him feel better. His thoughts cleared, and the mild throbbing in his head lessened. He frowned. When had he last had something to drink?
He didn’t recall.
“Mamma made a mistake,” Blair said unexpectedly, which seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary for about every word to come out of the girl’s mouth had rather stunned Nathan. “It made her very sad.” Her eyes swept his face. “I want her to be happy again.”
Nathan sighed. “I want that, too.”
A small smile played over her lips. Then she returned to her seat on the settee. “Are ye a good man?” she asked, once more knocking the air from his lungs with a few, well-chosen words.
Nathan’s hands tensed around the glass, and he quickly set it aside lest it shatter under the pressure. He’d already destroyed enough for one day. “A good man?” he mumbled, then gave a shrug.
Never had he thought of himself as a good man, and never had he minded that he wasn’t. Only right here in this moment with Blair looking at him with her wide, watchful eyes, Nathan realised that it did bother him after all. Blast it! He wanted to be a good man! For Maggie! For Collin! Even for Niall and Blair! For Olivia and little Josephine! For his family!
But he wasn’t. He’d proved that more than once. He’d not only made mistakes. He’d wronged others, especially Collin and his mother. He’d sent them away, refused to take responsibility and left them to fend for themselves.
No, he wasn’t a good man. Far from it. As much as he wanted Maggie, he didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve a second chance. Not after he’d failed so miserably in every way. Not after he’d proved himself a soulless bastard in more ways than one.
“Why do ye never see yer son?”
Nathan flinched and his head snapped up as he stared in utter shock at the small, blond-haired girl with the knowing smile. Goosebumps raced up and down his arms and legs, and he felt his hands grip the armrests of his chair rather tightly. Now, this was getting eerie! How on earth did she know about Collin? He hadn’t even yet had a chance to speak to Maggie and confess his shortcomings. How on earth had Blair found out?
“D’ye not wish to see him?” Blair continued on undeterred. “Because I think ye do.”
Nathan swallowed. “Perhaps.” At present, he had severe trouble holding up his end of the conversation. Still, Blair seemed to manage just fine on her own, especially since she seemed to know his answer before she’d even asked the question.
“Then ye should go and see him,” the girl urged as her fingers toyed with the end of her braid.
Nathan sighed. “It’s not that simple. I can’t…” Again, words failed him, and he wondered how to explain something so utterly complicated to a young girl. Perhaps he shouldn’t. After all, what he had done was not meant for such innocent ears.
“‘Tis not complicated at all,” Blair once more responded to his thoughts with eerie precision. “Have ye tried to say that ye’re sorry? ‘Tis all ye need to do. Ye need to say it and mean it.”
For a long moment, Nathan simply stared at her. Indeed, her words were simple as well as the meaning behind them. But they were also the words of a child, of someone inexperienced, of someone innocent, of someone who knew nothing of the world…and yet, Nathan believed her.
A part of him knew that she was right, that the simple way in which she saw the world was exactly what he’d needed to hear. “I’m afraid it’s too late to apologise,” he whispered, well aware that he wanted her to contradict him.
“Is it?” Blair asked with raised brows. “Or are ye only afraid it might be?”
Nathan scoffed, unable to shake the oddity of their conversation, the imbalance between them. She was a child, perhaps seven years of age, while he was the adult with years of life experience, and yet, she was the one advising him. Should it not be the other way around?
Sighing, Nathan met her gaze. “I don’t want it to be too late.” He shook his head, realising in that moment how much he longed to see his son, to have Collin look at him and see him, to apologise, to voice his regret, to set things right…if that was at all possible. Again, doubt encroached on his thoughts, but in the very moment when he could feel himself begin to retreat from the idea of making amends, a small voice piped up inside his head, urging him not to think too much.
And it sounded eerily like Blair’s!
Nathan chuckled as he looked at her. “You’re very wise for your age.”
“People often say that,” Blair admitted with a shrug. “But I only say what I see.” Her blue eyes looked at him in that slightly unsettling way again. “I know that ‘t
is never too late to say ye’re sorry…if ye truly mean it. Do ye?”
“I do, yes.” The answer flew from Nathan’s lips without a second thought, and he recognised it as the truth. In an instant, doubt turned to certainty, and he felt a heavy boulder lifted off his chest. A smile teased the corners of his mouth, and he surged to his feet, all fatigue falling from him as a new sense of purpose claimed his heart. He knew what he wanted to do. What he needed to do.
And perhaps then he’d finally be the kind of man he’d be proud to be. A man worthy of a woman like Maggie. Perhaps they’d have a chance after all.
Quick strides carried Nathan to the door where he paused and looked back at Blair. “Will you tell your mother that I’ll be back? There’s something I need to do.”
A proud smile touched the girl’s lips, and Nathan could not help but think that she approved of his decision. “Aye, I will.”
“Thank you,” Nathan told her, and he meant it. “Thank you for saying what I needed to hear.” Then he rushed out of the drawing room, crossed the foyer in hasty strides and flew out the door and down to the pavement faster than would have been considered appropriate. But Nathan didn’t care. All he cared about was being honest about how he felt, about what he wanted, and about the people in his life.
If there was even the slightest chance that all would turn out well, then he needed to speak the truth and admit to his mistakes, his shortcomings, his wrongdoings.
Oddly enough, Nathan was no longer afraid to do so.
Chapter Twenty
Mistakes
When her tears had finally ceased their assault on her, Maggie all but dragged herself back toward the house. Niall was nowhere to be found. Only Sophie and little Robbie were playing with the girl’s dolls in the shade on the terrace. Blair, too, seemed to have disappeared.
“Are you all right?” Cecilia asked, concern in her pale eyes as she walked over and took Maggie’s hands. “Is there anything I can do?”
Maggie cast her an exhausted smile. “I dunno. I’m…I…eh…” She sighed, then abandoned any strenuous line of thought. “Have ye seen Niall? Or Blair?”
Cecilia’s gaze darkened. “Niall rushed by not long ago, angry as a thundercloud.” Her brows rose in question.
Maggie simply shook her head. She couldn’t even begin to explain to her sister-in-law what had happened. Her mind felt numb and not up to the task at all.
Cecilia probably saw as much for she continued without pressing Maggie for an answer. “Blair disappeared not long after you and Niall raced down into the gardens. She had an odd look on her face and then simply got up and walked away. I called after her, but she didn’t answer and simply kept on walking.” She shrugged. “Perhaps she merely needed a moment to herself.”
Maggie doubted it very much. Whenever Blair had an odd look on her face, she’d soon after find her way to someone in need. Who had she sought out today?
“I’ll find her,” Maggie mumbled, then headed back inside. As she stepped into the foyer, she glimpsed the door to the drawing room. It stood wide open, and yet, no sound could be heard from inside. Had Nathan left?
The thought pierced Maggie’s heart, but she knew that even if he hadn’t, it would only delay the inevitable. After all, Niall had made it clear how he felt about her moving on with another. He saw it as a betrayal, and Maggie knew the stubborn little heart that beat in her son’s chest. He would not be swayed, and she could not blame him. All his life, he’d watched his father’s misery and, now, he knew that it had been Nathan who’d stood in the way of his parents’ happiness.
In his mind, of course, Nathan was the villain. She, too; and if she wasn’t careful, she might lose her son over this. Maggie would never allow that to happen.
Nevertheless, her feet carried her to the drawing room, unable to stay away. However, as she peeked inside, Maggie was surprised to find only Blair seated on the settee. “Here, ye are,” she exclaimed, glancing about the room before sitting down next to her daughter. “Cecilia was wondering where ye had gone. Is everything all right?”
Blair’s little head bobbed up and down. “I spoke to Nathan.”
Maggie’s heart stilled.
“He’s nice,” Blair trilled as she twirled her braid between her fingers. “He thinks too much, but at least he knows that now.” She chuckled. “He’s funny, too.”
Maggie swallowed, feeling a rather strained smile come to her face. “Ye spoke to him, mo chridhe? What about?” She glanced around the room. “Where is he?”
“He left.”
Maggie flinched. She couldn’t help it. The thought sent a piercing pain right through her middle.
“Dunna worry, Mama. He’ll come back,” Blair said, patting Maggie’s hand reassuringly.
Maggie tried to smile. “Well, it doesna matter.” Her heart twisted painfully in her chest as she forced the words out. “Soon, we’ll be returning to Scotland. I dunna think we’ll ever see him again.”
Blair’s little face scrunched up into a frown. “But ye love him, Mama.”
Maggie closed her eyes, for once wishing her little girl wasn’t quite so perceptive. “It doesna matter right now. His life is here, and ours is in Scotland.” Squeezing her daughter’s hand, Maggie rose from the settee, desperate to put a little distance between them. Indeed, Blair’s watchful eyes could be deeply unsettling at times. She had a way of forcing others to confront a truth they’d long since been running from. It was most unpleasant.
Sometimes even heart-breaking.
“If ye let him go,” Blair pointed out in that annoyingly reasonable voice of hers, “ye’ll only be sad again. I don’t want ye to be sad.”
Blinking back tears, Maggie turned to look at her daughter. “Ye and Niall make me happy,” she told her little girl. “I could never be sad so long as I have ye two.” Unbidden, her gaze moved to the door and she could not help but wonder if she’d ever see Nathan again. Why had he not at least said goodbye?
“He went to see his son.”
At Blair’s words, Maggie’s head wheeled around. “What?” she croaked as her legs turned to water all over again. Would this never cease?
Smiling gently, Blair slipped off the settee, walked over to Maggie and took her limp hand in her small one. Then she guided her mother back to the settee and bid her to sit before fetching her a glass of water. “He’s never seen his son, but I think ‘tis time.” She sighed. “And he wants to very much.”
Staring at her daughter, Maggie had a thousand questions racing through her mind. Still, despite Blair’s Sight, she doubted her daughter would be the right person to ask. Indeed, it would be most inappropriate for her to be discussing matters of that nature with such a young girl.
Maggie frowned, wondering how much Blair truly knew.
“Listen, mo chridhe, I need to speak to yer Uncle Robert,” Maggie began, trying her best to appear at ease. “How about ye find yer brother and go ask Cook for a treat?” Perhaps Blair could work a bit of her magic on her brother and ensure that he didn’t retreat too far into himself.
Like any seven-year-old girl, Blair’s face lit up at the thought of a sugary treat and she darted off in a flash.
Maggie smiled, enjoying the moments that Blair acted not like an adult, wise beyond her years, but like the little girl she was.
Remaining seated for a few minutes longer, Maggie tried her best to compose herself. It would serve no one if she broke down in tears yet again. How often had it been only today? She couldn’t recall, and it didn’t matter.
What mattered was that Nathan had a son! But he’d said he’d never been married! Had he told her the truth? Or…was the boy illegitimate?
Maggie frowned. Hadn’t Blair said Nathan had never seen him?
Unable to keep still any longer, Maggie surged to her feet and hurried straight for her brother’s study. She barely bothered to knock, her heart was so in knots about the few details her daughter had shared with her. “Robert, do ye have a minute?”
Seated at his desk, her brother seemed to be staring into nothing, the look in his eyes distant. At the sound of her voice, he blinked and belatedly took notice of her, realising that he was no longer alone in the room. “I’m sorry, Maggie. I was lost in thought.” He blinked again, then cleared his throat and rose to his feet. “I’m sorry; what did you want?”
Maggie sighed. “I want answers.”
Robert’s shoulders tensed, and a new thought sneaked into Maggie’s currently crowded mind. Her gaze narrowed and she watched her brother carefully as she approached his desk. “Did ye know?”
Robert swallowed. “Did I know what?” he asked, but his voice shook ever so slightly and he could not quite bring himself to meet her eyes.
Maggie felt her heart grow heavier with each second that passed. “Did ye know that Mother lied to me?”
Sad eyes finally met hers. “Not then,” Robert replied, then stepped around his desk and came toward her. “Then, I believed as you did. It was only when we returned to England, that I realised that Mother had…”
“Lied!” Maggie finished with a growl. “Why did ye never say anything?”
Robert sighed. “Nathan asked me the same question.”
“He did?”
Robert nodded. “He was furious.”
Oddly enough, knowing that warmed Maggie’s heart. “Why then?”
“Because you were married,” Robert pointed out rationally; still, the look in his eyes broke Maggie’s heart. “I couldn’t believe it, but there was nothing I could have done. Nothing any of us could have done.” He shrugged. “I wanted to give you a chance. I knew Ian was a good man, and I hoped and prayed that you would come to love him.” He reached for her hands. “I wanted you to be happy, and I thought if you knew that Nathan had never married, you’d never be able to let him go and open your heart to your husband.”
Deep down, Maggie understood her brother’s reasoning. After all, she too had spent years, hoping and praying for the same thing. “What about Nathan? When I first arrived, ye said something that suggested that he…had moved on.”
