by Bree Wolf
“Have you ever known her to be wrong?” Claudia challenged.
Maggie scoffed. “She also keeps telling me Ian will be all right. What does that tell ye?”
Claudia sighed. “Fine. I’ll admit that hurts my case a little; however, from what you told me, it was Blair’s meddling that brought everything to a good ending, wasn’t it? Nathan finally knows his son. They’re mending fences…”
“Ye call this a good ending?” Maggie demanded, counting all the little cracks in her already shattered heart. Some days, she found it easy to look on the sunnier side of life, feeling hopeful and optimistic. Other days felt utterly dark and crushing to her that she was certain all hope was lost. It was a constant back and forth. “My son doesna speak to me about what lives in his heart.” She swallowed as a lump lodged in her throat. “Nathan and I lost each other again, and−”
“I’ll prefer it this way,” Claudia interrupted. “Niall finally has a chance to work through his father’s loss−again, give the lad some time−and you and Nathan finally found each other and have a chance for your long-overdue happily-ever-after.”
Closing her eyes, Maggie let her head roll back against the seat. “If Niall hasna worked through Ian’s loss by now, what makes ye think he will now? Now, when he doesna even speak to me? ‘Tis worse than before!”
“That’s not true,” Claudia objected. “Before, he only ever distracted himself. He never truly allowed himself to confront the anger and pain that must live in his heart. That’s not good for the soul, especially one so young.”
Feeling herself still, Maggie heard the sound of Nathan’s voice echo in her mind, whispering of a life spent with distractions. Distractions from the pain he’d felt over her loss. Had Niall done the same and she hadn’t even noticed? Would he end like Nathan, suffering and alone, if no one came to help him acknowledge how he felt?
But there had been Blair.
Only too well did Maggie remember how her little girl had talked to Niall and Collin that day at Hyde Park. It had helped Niall−Maggie was certain of it−and it had made him think. Perhaps Claudia was right. Perhaps he simply needed more time now that he’d finally admitted the depth of his pain…at least to himself.
And a little to her as well. He’d allowed her close that day when they’d returned from Nathan’s townhouse. He’d allowed her to comfort him, to see him hurting. Perhaps the gap between them was slowly closing.
“Don’t worry,” Claudia interrupted her thoughts. “He’ll be all right.”
Gritting her teeth, Maggie glared at her friend. “If I have to hear that one more time, I’ll scream.”
Claudia’s eyes widened in mock terror before they dropped to the sleeping child in her arms. “Very well, I’ll surrender. I’ll do anything you want, but please don’t wake my child.”
Shaking her head at her friend, Maggie laughed.
“There,” Claudia exclaimed, satisfied. “That’s better. Now, let’s talk about Nathan.”
Maggie’s heart tensed; she already missed him more than she could say. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“He told you he loved you,” Claudia pointed out.
“But it doesna change anything!”
Her friend’s eyes narrowed. “You’re a fool if you believe that.”
“It doesna matter what I believe,” Maggie reminded Claudia as much as herself. “We’re still worlds apart. Who knows when we’ll see each other again? If at all?” The thought alone sent a piercing pain through her heart.
“If at all?” Claudia echoed her words. “You cannot honestly believe that! I thought you’d agreed to take care of your children, to write to each other and then see where Fate leads you.”
Maggie held her friend’s gaze. “Does that truly sound very reassuring to you? I mean, the thought of another ten years withou−”
“Another ten years?!” Claudia exclaimed, and Alex’s eyes flew open. Tensing, she began to hum a lullaby until he drifted back off to sleep. Then she heaved a deep sigh and turned back to her friend. “It won’t be another ten years.”
“How do ye know? Was it not ye who suggested this? Ye who said to take some time and perhaps someday−”
“Yes, but some day is not in ten years,” Claudia insisted in a forceful whisper. “Good God, ten years without Garrett and I’d go mad!”
Maggie knew exactly how that felt. “Nevertheless, he is in London and I’ll be in Scotland. ‘Tis not as though we’d ever run into each other.” Wistful, she remembered that night at the Hawthorne ball when he’d asked her to dance. It had been the best night of her life, and now it seemed a lifetime away. “We’re worlds apart…in every way.”
“What if he were to come after you?” Claudia asked, a daring tone in her voice as she regarded Maggie with utter fascination.
At her friend’s question, Maggie felt her heart skip a beat and an involuntary smile spread over her face.
“See?” Claudia remarked with a smirk. “You can’t deny that you want him to.”
“But it willna change what is!” Maggie insisted, afraid to have her hopes disappointed once again.
“He loves you,” Claudia said gently. “Trust me. He will not wait another ten years to see you again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he came to see you before the year is out.”
Maggie’s breath lodged in her throat, uncertain if Claudia’s prediction was a threat or a promise. It felt like both, and Maggie did not know what to do with it. “But Niall−”
“Don’t try to use your son as an excuse,” Claudia warned. “Yes, he’s angry, but we all say things out of anger and grief. It does not mean they’re true.” Her gaze softened. “Niall loves you. You’re his mother, and no matter how angry or hurt he might be he loves you. He doesn’t want this to go on any more than you do.”
Maggie hoped with all her heart that her friend was right. “Then why−”
Claudia shrugged. “I don’t know. But something is holding him back. Something he might not even be aware of. Something that frightens him beyond words.” She held Maggie’s gaze. “Find out what it is, and you’ll have your happily-ever-after. I promise you.”
Dumbfounded, Maggie stared at her friend. Could it truly be that simple? If indeed simple was the correct word. But was there something more than Niall’s belief in her betrayal that burdened him? Something he wasn’t saying? Something he perhaps didn’t even know about himself?
Whatever it was, Maggie vowed she would find out for she longed for nothing more but to see him smile again. She wanted to hear him laugh and jest with his sister without that pain lurking behind his green eyes. She wanted to hear the sounds of his peaceful slumber. She wanted him to run into her arms again and hug her so hard she feared her ribs would crack. She wanted him to look at her again in that way that only Niall could. She wanted him to speak to her as he had before. She needed him to share his hopes and fears with her again.
Maggie wanted her son back.
And she would fight to see that happen.
The time for tears was done.
Now, was the time to stand tall and fight. After all, the world never changed on its own. It never had.
She would need to do it herself.
And she would.
Chapter Thirty-Three
A Heart’s Desire
It had been forty-three days since Nathan had last seen Maggie and nine days since she and her children had returned to Scotland.
Everything else had ceased to matter. The only thing Nathan could think of was Maggie. Every morning, he woke with her beautiful smile in mind and, every night, he went to bed remembering those deep blue eyes looking into his. His heart ached as though it wished to jump from his chest and chase after her.
When she’d still been in London, it had been torture to not see her, but now that she’d left, Nathan felt that bond that had always existed between them stretched to the thinnest. Every day, he feared he would take a wrong step and it would snap in half. He couldn’t eat or sleep. He
couldn’t hold a conversation for his thoughts constantly drifted back to her. He couldn’t seem to dance any longer, either.
One night, Olivia dragged him to a ball, concerned with the dark scowl that seemed to have taken up permanent residence upon his face. She all but thrust him into the arms of a young lady and ordered them to dance.
Ordered him to enjoy himself.
Nathan knew she meant well, and he felt awful for putting her through this. He saw the deep concern etched into her eyes, and he remembered seeing it before; ten years ago when he’d first lost Maggie.
Still, it didn’t matter. Nathan felt adrift with nothing to hold onto. Perhaps this time it was worse for now he knew that Maggie wanted him as well. That miles away she too was thinking of him, wishing they could be together.
It was torture.
As was his dance with poor Miss…Nathan couldn’t recall her name. All he could remember was her pained expression when he squashed her dainty feet below his own.
On his way out, he ran into Lady Cranshaw, one of her seductive smiles aimed at him as she sidled closer. However, it took no more than one look into his tortured eyes for her to see the truth. Her smile faltered and disappeared, and a hint of regret came to her eyes. Then she inclined her head to him and bid him a good evening.
Strangers once again.
“I feel like I’m losing my senses,” Nathan exclaimed as he paced Robert’s study for the thousandth time since Maggie had left her brother’s house. The only good thing that had come from all of this was that somehow Nathan and Robert had been able to rekindle their friendship. “All I can think about is her. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing,” he stopped to stare at his childhood friend, “she’s always right here.” He jabbed one finger at his forehead while his other hand came to lie on his chest, feeling the frantic beating of his heart underneath.
Robert sighed. “I’m aware how painful this is for you, and I wish there were something I could do.” He rose to his feet and sat on the edge of his desk, his gaze meeting Nathan’s. “But Niall needs time. If you rush this, you’ll make a mess of things.”
Nathan let himself fall into one of the armchairs facing his friend’s desk. “I know,” he exclaimed, running his hands over his face. “I know that taking our time is the right thing to do.” He sat up and looked at Robert. “But it feels so very wrong.”
“Perhaps you’re looking at this all wrong,” Robert suggested with a thoughtful look in his eyes. “The two of you are waiting for Niall to overcome his father’s loss as well as the sense of betrayal he feels at the thought of his mother married to another.” He frowned. “But what if the boy needs something other than time?”
“What do you mean?” Nathan asked, resting his elbows on his legs as he leaned forward, meeting his friend’s gaze.
Robert shrugged. “I’m not certain.” His gaze became distant as he crossed his ankles and drew back his shoulders. “You told me that Mrs. Brewer did not regret all that happened because ultimately it led her to the man she loved and gave her a wonderful child.”
Nathan nodded, not certain what one had to do with the other.
Blinking, Robert rose to his feet, his gaze seeking Nathan’s. “She’s made it clear that she doesn’t hold any regrets,” he stated before his brows rose. “But what about Margaret?”
Nathan pushed to his feet. “What about her?”
“She does hold regrets, does she not?” Robert pointed out. “It’s become clear to us all how devastated she was to realise our mother had lied to her. She wanted to marry you as much as you wanted to marry her. But if she had,” Robert’s gaze fixed Nathan, “her life in Scotland would never have happened. Niall and Blair would never have been born.”
Nathan scoffed. “She does not regret having her children. Of course, she doesn’t.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“She didn’t have to,” Nathan exclaimed. The mere thought of it was ludicrous. “She loves them.” He took a step toward his friend. “I know this is a complicated situation. Of course, back then, we would have wished for a different outcome. But now, here, today,” he shrugged, “I believe neither one of us truly wishes for it to have gone differently for if it had, none of our children would be alive today.”
Robert watched him with a slight frown on his face. “Does that go for you as well? Have you come to care so much about your son that you wouldn’t choose a world in which he doesn’t exist?”
Nathan stilled, only now realising what he had just said. For the past weeks, whenever he hadn’t been thinking of Maggie, he’d been thinking of Collin. And only a sennight ago, he’d written to Mr. Brewer, stating that he would love nothing more but to be allowed to be a part of Collin’s life.
Indeed, he’d come to care for his son. He felt a deep need to know him, to know the person Collin had become. To form a bond of their own. To be considered family. To be there to call upon should the need arise.
But only now in this moment did Nathan realise that he would never choose to reclaim his past with Maggie if it meant a life without Collin. The boy belonged in this world. In Nathan’s world, and he couldn’t imagine never knowing him. “It does, yes,” Nathan finally managed to say. “He’s my son, and I would always choose him. Always.”
A smile came to Robert’s face and he clapped a hand onto Nathan’s shoulder. “You’ve come a long way from the drunken reprobate you’ve been in recent years. I’m proud of you.”
Nathan chuckled. “I don’t even remember when I had my last drink.” He sighed deeply, feeling more at ease than he had in a long time. Truth and honesty had that effect on one, didn’t they? “Despite all the pain and uncertainty, life has never felt so right.”
“Even considering your separation?”
Nathan gritted his teeth. “It’s been hard.” He chuckled. “I suppose I’ve made that perfectly clear.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Should my pacing have ruined your rug, feel free to send me the bill.”
Robert laughed.
“But it’s only temporary,” Nathan stated in a clear, strong voice, needing to remind himself as much as Robert. “We will see each other again. Of that I’m certain. It’s only a matter of when.”
“Yes, about that,” Robert remarked, the look in his eyes thoughtful once more. “What I meant to say was that although you and Margaret would not change the past, it is possible that Niall thinks differently. He might believe−after seeing his mother’s pain−that she wished things had gone differently back then. He might believe she’s come to regret the path she’s taken. A path that gave her a son and a daughter.”
Nathan’s jaw clenched as he realised what Robert was trying to tell him. How could he not have seen this before? Could it be that Niall resented him because Nathan was a constant reminder of his mother’s regrets? That he felt his mother would have chosen a life without him if she’d had the chance? What would such a thought do to a boy of only nine years of age?
Niall was as old as Collin, barely older than little Blair.
“I need to go.” Nodding to his friend, Nathan took his leave and rushed home, uncertain what he ought to do. Still, the thought of little Niall alone with these crushing thoughts pained him. Something had to be done. Somehow they had to reassure Niall that his mother loved him above all else.
“A letter has arrived for you, my lord,” Wendell addressed him the moment Nathan strode in the door.
“A letter?” Taking the item in question from the silver platter Wendell held out to him, Nathan nodded to his butler and then retreated to his study. For a second, his heart had hoped it was from Maggie, but the handwriting was foreign to him.
To Nathan’s utter surprise−and absolute shock!−he found the letter had been written by Mr. Brewer, inviting him to supper that night. In all likelihood, Nathan spent several minutes simply staring at the parchment, teetering between disbelief, overwhelming joy and the nagging fear that this was his one chance to prove himself to Mr. Brewer and hi
s family. If he messed this up, he would no doubt be banned from Collin’s life for good.
Nathan’s hands trembled as he set the letter down, then sank into his leather desk chair and closed his eyes. “Please, let this go well,” he whispered to the Fates, hoping that for once they were listening…and inclined to help.
***
Standing up on the walkway of Seann Dachaigh Tower, Maggie looked out at the land surrounding her. Her eyes swept over the lush, green hills, the glistening loch in the distance as well as the jagged mountain range to the north. She felt a gentle wind brush across the land, carrying a hint of the ocean’s salt on its wings. Down below, people went about their day. Children were running through the green meadow, now dotted with wildflowers in full bloom. Bees buzzed and birds chirped, mingling with the children’s laughter.
“This is heaven,” Maggie whispered to herself, remembering that day long ago when she’d stood up here and looked over the land. The day she’d first met Ian. The day her mother had lied to her. The day her heart had broken into a thousand pieces.
But there was one truth that remained: Scotland.
Home.
This was home, and Maggie could not imagine ever living anywhere else. It was the one thing she shared with her mother. The one thing she understood. “How could ye lie to me?” Maggie whispered to the wind, wishing her mother were still here to answer.
A sennight had passed since they had returned to Seann Dachaigh Tower and life had resumed its normal pace. Niall appeared a bit more relaxed, a bit more like himself here, at home, but Maggie still noticed the way he would sometimes look at her. As though a question burnt in his heart he didn’t dare ask. As though he wished to run into her arms but didn’t know if he should. As though something was wrong and he didn’t quite know how to right it.
Maggie’s heart bled upon seeing the anguish in his eyes. She wanted nothing more but to comfort him, but whenever she drew near, he would turn away. It broke Maggie’s heart, but she knew not what to do about it.
