Laterthatyear,Igotanopportunitytomovemyfamilyintoahouseclosetowhereourkidsgotoschool,butit meantdoublingourmonthlyoverhead.KnowingIhadworkcoming,mywifeandIwereinclinedtotaketheleap.I neverdidfindoutwhatchangedthestorylineof Scandalthatseason—perhapsitwastheelectionthatputTrumpin office(becauseit'sashowthattakesplaceinandaroundtheWhiteHouse)—butsomehowmy“big-time”stint droppedtoonlythreeepisodes.Iwaswithoutworkandthatparticularpilotseasondidnotbodewellforanactorof mytype.Inthewakeofthe#OscarsSoWhitemovement,whichprotestedthesnubbingofseveralAfricanAmerican–
ledfilmsthatperhapsshouldhavebeenincontentionthatyear,manyoftherolesImayhavebeenconsideredforin thepastwerenowbeingcastwithminorities.AsanAmericaninterestedingivingeveryoneanopportunity,Iwas happytoseethis.Butasthebreadwinnerinmyhousehold,Iwasoutofwork.Icouldn'tseemtogetanypotential employers'attentionduringthatpilotseasondespitefeelinggoodaboutmyworkintheauditionrooms.
WhatIdidwiththatdisappointment,despair,andfearisprobablymybiggestsourceofpridetodate.Naturally,it involvedaclassic“DelNegroReframe.”Insteadofcontinuingtolettheweightofallmyrejectionsandlengthy periodsofunemploymentbogmedown,astheyhadinthepast,Idecidedtoflipthemontheirhead.Having discoveredpodcastsayearortwobefore,Ifellinlovewiththerawandauthenticstyleofthisaudio-onlymedium wherealistenercouldbeaflyonthewall,hearingconversationsbetweenpeopletowhomtheyotherwisemight nevergainaccess.Idecidedtotakeallofmy“no”s,allofmyrejectionsandfailuresthatItendedtohideawayfrom othersandminimizeinthehopesofappearingtobe“fine,”andturnthemintomyplatform.Theresult, 10,000NOs, hasbeenthemostinspirationalthreeyearsofmylife,asofthiswriting.Ithashelpedmetoreconnecttothedreams thatwereinjeopardyofbeingsnuffedout.Ithasalsoconnectedmetopeoplearoundtheworldwhohavebecomeas addictedasIamtothesestoriesofresiliencethatIhavebeenluckyenoughtofindandpresent.
Initsfirstfewyears,the 10,000NOspodcastdidnotbringmefinancialreward,otherthanwhatI'vereceivedto writethisbookfromapublisherIwasintroducedtothroughoneofmyguests.Ithasalways,however,broughtme somethingthatmaybemorevaluablethanmoney—passion,purpose,andservice.Ifirmlybelievethatthesethree assetswillendupbringingmeevenmorefinancialsuccesssomeday,butitwilltrulybethesideeffectofthe real gold.Service,passion,andpurposearethelifebloodthatkeepsmeengagedandconstantlystriving,andareintegral partsofanysuccessImayachieve.WhenIbecometoocaughtupinmyowndrama,Iampulledoutofitbynotes fromaroundtheglobeofpeoplewithtougherchallengesthanme.Thesenotesexpresshowlistenershavebeen inspiredbythestoriesofguestsovercomingobstacles.Inthisway,mydecisiontoreframetheaspectofmycareer thatIhatedthemostendedupsavingnotonlymycareer,butmysoul.HadIcontinueddownthewornpathI'dbeen traveling,Imighthaveburnedoutbynow.
Theadverseeffectsofanyexperiencecanbereversedbychoosingtoreframethewaythoseeffectsareperceived.I donotsaythisasthoughIhavehadtoexperiencetragediesanywhereclosetothoseofmyguestsorothersIhave readorheardabout.IsaythisbecauseeachinspiringcomebackstoryIencounter,whetherpersonallyorfromafar, hasanelementofreframinginitthatallowedthecomebacktohappen.Tryitforyourself,insituationsassmallas waitingonalonglineforcoffeeorasbigasthetragiclossofalovedone.Itmaynoteaseyourpainimmediately,but eventuallyitwillopenthedoortopotentialrecovery.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Dependingonthevantagepointfromwhichyoulook, anyone'slifestorycanappeartragicorheroic.
2. Anyonewhohasevermadealargeimpactonotherscouldbeperceivedasbeingalittlecrazyfromatleast oneperson'sperspective.
3. Adoptthemantra“Lifehappens foryou,not toyou.”Itwillhelpyousee everythingasbeingonyourside.
CHAPTER8
Surrender
“Iwasdone.Ican'teventellyouthelevelofdespair.Iwasjustdone.Iwaslike,‘I'vehustledmywholedamnlife.
AndhereIam,it'sgone.Everything'sgone.’”
— SuzyBatiz,Founder/CEO,Poo∼Pourri, Forbes Top5FemaleSelf-MadeMillionaires,2018
Italkalotaboutgrinding.Iwon'tshutupaboutworkethicandhustle.ButthereissomethingthatI'velearned relativelyrecentlythatcan feelliketheoppositeofhustleandgrind,yetcanresultingreatsuccess:surrender.
Surrenderisalittledifferentthanrelaxationandmeditation,whichyou'llreadaboutlater.Surrenderdoesnot alwayswaitforaninvitationtojoinyourlife.Itisaparty-crasher.And,whilesurrenderisnotalwayssomethingthat is welcome,ifitdecidestoshowup,itcan'tbedeniedandgenerallycan'tbekickedoutuntilithasrunitscourse.
TheArtofFightingWithoutFighting
WhenIwasakid,IlovedBruceLeemovies.Oneofmyfavoriteswas EntertheDragon.ThesetupforLee's characterincludesasceneinwhichabullythreatenshim.Knownforhisfightingprowess,Lee'scharacterwasa magnetforsuchmeatheads.Ridingaboatacrossaharbor,surroundedbyotherswhowereeagertowatchabloody match,Leeacceptsthechallenge.But,headds,theyshouldfightontheattachedlifeboatwherethereismoreroom.
Hegesturesforthebullytoclimbontothedinghyandthebullywillinglygoes,confidenthecanbeatLeeregardless of wheretheyfight.Whilebanteringbackandforthwithalltheonlookerswaitinginanticipation,Leenonchalantly untiesthelifeboatfromthemainboatandit,withthebullyonboard,driftsawayfromthelargerboat.Thebullyis furiousbutthere'snothinghecandotogetbacktoBruceandtherestofthecrowd.Itistheperfectexecutionof Lee'spatented“artoffightingwithoutfighting.”Sometimessurrendercanbringvictorytoyouquickerthan anticipated,butusuallythatvictorywillcomeinadifferentformthanyouoriginallyenvisioned.
Surrenderisgenerallyassociatedwithweaknessanddefeat,butwhenitcomestosurrenderingourselvestothe unknown,itrequiresastrengthofcharacterandself-possessionthatfewcanboast.Whenyousurrenderyouare tellingtheworldthatyourself-preservationismoreimportanttoyouthanmaintainingwhateverpublicpersonayou havecarefullycrafted.Itmeansthatyouarewillinglyadmittingdefeatandnotabovebeingdeemedaquitter.Itdoes notmean,however,thatyouareadmitting permanentdefeat.
“Ifthey'restuckonthe‘quittersneverwin,winnersneverquit’…lookathowmanypeoplewhohavequitthings, evenverypublicly,whoarepeoplewedefinitelyconsiderwinners.MichaelJordan:howmanytimesdidhequit andunquit?Andhe'sarguablyoneofthebiggest‘winners’inbasketballofourtime.”
—LynnMarieMorski,Founder/CEO,QuittingbyDesign;Physician,Attorney,Speaker,Author,andlifelong quitter
AsIsharedinChapter1,incollegeIhadplentyofpainandfeelingsofbeingoverwhelmedthatledtomyeventual shifttoacting.Painthatbringsustoourkneescancomefromanywherewithoutwarning.Sometimes,adebilitating accidentcancausephysicalpainandlimitationsthatforceustosurrender,regardlessofhowstrongwemaybe.This happenedtomyfriendandformer 10,000NOspodcastguestMattLong.AtoughNewYorkCityfirefighter, competitivemarathonrunner,andIronmantriathlete,Longwasforcedintothereinventionheeventually underwentbythelimitationsplaceduponhimafterbeingrunoverbyabus.
TheaccidentoccurredasLongwasridinghisbikethroughManhattanonhiswaytowork.Ayoungbusdriver,with zeroexperiencedrivinginthecity,jerkedhisbusacrossthreelanesoftrafficwithoutwarning,pinningLongandhis bikeunderneath.Longnearlybledoutonthesidewalkashisbikewassawedfromtheundercarriageofthebus.
Doctorsgavehima1%chanceofsurvival.Inanastoundingcomeback,Longrecovered,gotridofthecolostomybag hewasforcedtowearfortwoyears,and
learnedtowalkagain.Ifthatweren'tmiraculousenough,herelearnedhow torunbeforewillinghimselftocompleteanotherNewYorkCityMarathonlessthanthreeyearsaftertheaccident.
HethenregainedhisIronmanstatusbycompletingthegrueling2.2-mileswim,110-milebike,and26.2-milerun undertheallottedtimeinLakePlacid,NewYork,thefollowingyear.Henowcreditshisaccidentasthesourceof everythingthat'sgoodinhislifetoday,particularlyhiswifeandkids.Buttherewasatimeimmediatelyafterhis accidentwhenhisoutlookwasfarmorebleakandhopeless.
“ThefirethatburnedinsidemewasoutandIhadnoideawhatmylifewasgoingtobelike,whatthefutureheld.
IknewIsurvivedbutIdidn'tknowwhatkindofqualityoflifethatIwasgoingtolead.Iledalifefullofquality anditwastakenawayfromme.Andittookmealongtime.WhenIwasinthisdarkplaceandIsawnofutureI couldn'tseepasttheexternalfixatorsthatwerecomingthroughmychesttoholdmypelvistogetherorthe externalfixatorcomingthroughmylegtokeepmyleftlegtogether.BecauseIwasbasicallycutinhalfandI couldn'tseepastthat.Andthat'swherethingsgotdark.”
—MattLong,Author, TheLongRun
Inasimilarstory,formerNavySEALJasonRedmansustainedinjuriesduringanighttimemissioninIraqwhenhe andhisplatoonwereambushed.Injured,Redmanrecognizedinthemomentthathehadtosurrender,nottoenemy forcesbuttothecapabilitiesofhishighlytrainedplatoon.WhileRedmanfirmlybelievesthatitisafatalflawfor peopletowaitforabadsituationtofixitselfwithoutmakinganeffortto“getofftheX”themselves,even he
acknowledgeshissurrenderonthatbattlefield.Hadhisplatoonnotwonthebattleashelaybleedingout,henever wouldhavesurvivedhisnearlyfatalwounds.
“Irememberlyingtherethinking,‘Thissucks.Ican'tmove.I'mpinneddown.IthinkIlostmyarm.’SoI'mthinking,
‘You'regonnableedoutquickly.’AndIknewfromourtrainingthatourguyscouldnotcomegetme.Wehave trainedthatinafiercefirefight,ifsomeonegetswounded,youcannotrunouttogetthem.Theenemywilluseitasa tactic.They'llwoundsomeoneonpurposetotrytolureotherpeopleouttheretogetthem.SoIknewIhadtowait.I hadtobepatientandjusttrustmyguystowinthatfight.”PartofwhatevolvedoutofthisexperienceisRedman's currentroleasauthorandspeaker,inwhichheteachesothersaboutrespondingtowhathecalls“lifeambushes.”
The“AllIsLost”MomentIsNotOnlyinMovies
UnlikeLongandRedman'sphysicalpain,whatIexperiencedinItalywasemotional.Itwasthesurrendertoan emotionalpainthatfriendandformerpodcastguestSuzyBatizexperiencedwhenshe,beforecreatingandrunning hernow-$500million(asof2019whenwespoke)companyPoo∼Pourri,wentbankruptforthesecondtime.She explainedtomethathersurrenderperiodwas thethingthatledtoherbreakthroughwithPoo∼Pourriaftertheage of40.
Afterhearingthecrankofthetowtruckpullingherrepossessedcaroutofherdrivewayassheliterallylost everything,sheliedtofriendsandfamily,tellingthemshehadtomove.Thisledtoafour-yearperiodwhereshe didn'tattempttostartanybusinesses,butinsteadsoughtrefugeinseclusion,listeningtoangrymusicandpainting:
“I'mjustpaintingmyhouse.I'mjustpaintingwallsandjustscreamingwithrage.Justgoinginsane,thefirsttimein mylifeIthinkIletmyselfactuallyfeelwhatwashappening.”
AtaThanksgivingdinner,Batiz'sbrotherbroughtupaprojecthe'dbeentoilingwithforacoupleofyears.Heasked thetable,“Canbathroomodorbetrapped?”Thisoneoffhandquestion,inthemidstofBatiz'speriodofsurrenderto theideathatshe'dneverattempttocreateanotherbusinessinherlife,changedeverything.“I'llneverforgetthe feeling,it'slikeazingupmyarm…everythinggoesintohigh-defandIwent,‘Icandothat!’”Asahobby,Batizhad beenworkingwithessentialoilsforabout15years.Shehadalwaysbeenintriguedbynaturalproducts.“Everything justclicked.‘Oilfloatsonwater.’Itwasn'tevenasmuchofarationaleasitwasliterallylike,‘Icandothat!’Ijustsaw itall.”
Ittookherninemonths,butafterthatdinnershewenthomeobsessedwithsolvingherbrother'schallenge.
Everyonethoughtshewascrazy.Today,whenshespeaksaroundtheworldshecoachesentrepreneurstostop seekingothers'approvalandfollowtheirown“aliveideas.”Heraliveideabecameanastoundinglysuccessful companyaftersheinvested$25,000ofherowntobeginitandthenadvertiseditviawordofmouthforthefirstsix years.Hergrit,determination,andperseverancehelpedittogrowexponentially,butitneverwouldhavebeenborn hadshenotsurrenderedpriortoitsinception.
MyexperienceinItaly,whileexternalbecauseitwasincitedbyabreakup,feltmore internal.Mypanicattacks, exacerbatedbythebreakup,werereallytheresultofyearsofinternalizingaspectsofmyparents'failingmarriage, unspokensiblingdifferences,andschismswithinmyselfwithoutexpressingthemoutwardly.Regardlessoftheroot cause,my reactiontothepainwastosurrender.IsurrenderedthepersonaandfacadeIhadcreatedupuntilthat point,evenwhileIwasfeverishlyscramblingtounderstandallofthethoughtsandemotionsthathadexplodedfrom within.
Ratherthancontinuetoberuledbymyformermandateofshowinguptoclass,likethe“goodboy”Ialwaystold myselfIwas,Isurrenderedtotheoverwhelmingfeelingsthatwerethreateningtosinkme.Ichose,instead,toskip classsoIcouldpourmyheartintomyjournalforeighttotenhoursaday.Itwasanythingbutrestful,andyetitwas necessaryifIwasgoingtofindpeace.Iwasracingagainsttheclocktounravelcomplexfeelingsinsidemebefore theirtwistedmasssuffocatedme.
Theoveralleffectofthisintenseperiod,particularlywhenIviewitinretrospect,wasthatIpulledawayfrommany ofmypreviousassociationsandeventuallyfocusedmyselfonnewones,sendingmylifeinanewdirection.Itis worthrepeatingthatthisprocessdidnotcompleteitselfovernight.Therumblingsofitbeganafewmonthspriorto mytripoverseas,inthespringof1992.Andwhilethemostintensepartofittookplaceoveraone-monthperiod whileIwasabroadthatsummer,IwasstillexperiencingthefalloutinthelatefallafterIhadreturnedtotheUnited States,whenIfinallyquitthelacrosseteam. Maybeyoucouldsaythefollowingspring,whenIdidmyfirstplay,was thebeginningofmynewphase,buttherewerestillmanypartsofmynewselfthatcontinuedtofallintoplaceover thenextseveralyears.
“I'velearnedhowtoletgomore,andI'mnotsayingI'vemasteredthis,butI'velearnedhowtoletgomoreandbe inthatstatewherethingsarecomingtomewithlesseffortthanIusedtothinkwasnecessary.Andtonothave thatonlyhappenattheendofalongperiodofexhaustionandsuffering.”
—MikeBoyle,Psychotherapist,PTSDSpecialist
Imentionthistimeframebecausemanypeoplewillwriteintothepodcastsayingsomethingalongthelinesof,“I surrenderedyesterdayandI stilldon'tseeanysignsthatitwasworthit.There's nothingonthehorizonforme!Why didIgiveallofthatup?!”Impatiencecanactlikeliquidpoison,seepingintoourpsycheandcausingustosecond-guessourselvesrepeatedly.Surrendertakesamountainofpatience,andtheuniversehasafunnywayofknowing whenwehave reallyacceptedournewcircumstances.Oneofmyfavoritescenesinoneofmyfavoritemovies, The ShawshankRedemption,writtenbyFrankDarabont,involvesMorganFreeman'scharacter,Red,whohasbeen imprisonedforalengthysentencebutisallowedtogobeforetheparoleboard.Everyyearheexplainstothemhow
hehasrehabilitatedhimselfandwhytheyshouldallowhimtogofree.Inthisscene,aftermanyfailedattemptsover theyearsinwhichhehastriedhisbesttogivethemtheanswerhethinkstheywanttohear,thisishowheanswers: RED:
Rehabilitated?Well,now,letmesee.Youknow,Idon'thaveanyideawhatthatmeans.
PAROLE Well,itmeansthatyou'rereadytorejoinsociety…
MAN:
RED:
Ik
nowwhatyouthinkitmeans,sonny.Tome,it'sjustamade-upword.Apolitician'sword,sothat youngfellaslikeyourselfcanwearasuitandatieandhaveajob.Whatdoyoureallywanttoknow?AmI sorryforwhatIdid?
PAROLE Well,areyou?
MAN:
RED:
There'snotadaygoesbyIdon'tfeelregret.NotbecauseI'minhere,orbecauseyouthinkIshould.Ilook backonthewayIwasthen,ayoung,stupidkidwhocommittedthatterriblecrime.Iwanttotalktohim.I wanttotrytotalksomesensetohim,tellhimthewaythingsare,butIcan't.Thatkid'slonggoneandthis oldmanisallthat'sleft.Igottolivewiththat.Rehabilitated?It'sjustabullshitword.Soyougoonand stampyourforms,sonny,andstopwastingmytime.Becausetotellyouthetruth,Idon'tgiveashit.
Thissceneexemplifiesthewaysurrenderworks.Wecannottricktheuniverse,orourselves,intobelievingthatwe arereadytomoveonfromwhateverproverbialprisonwearetryingtoescape.Thereisapurityoftruesurrender thatmustbereachedbeforeweareallowedtoadvance.Itisoneofthegreatcontradictionsoflife:youcannothave somethinguntilyoutrulydon'tneeditanymore.
GrownMenShouldn'tPunchWalls
Whenitcomestomycareer,Idon'tneedtogobackveryfartofindastoryaboutsurrender.InDecember2017,as theyeardrewtoaclosesodidmyrunonAmazon's Goliath,starringBillyBobThornton.Perhapsfilmingmy character'sdemise,whenDannyLoomisplungedbackwardoffadowntownLosAngelesrooftoptoavoidbeingkilled byhisassailantafterhavinghisearcutoff,wasaglimpseofwhatwastocomeofmycareerinthefollowingfew months.Thatincredibleworkexperience,withartistsandstorytellersItrulyrespected,hadmeonahighfrom whichIquicklyslippeddownintowhatfeltlikeacavernousgorgeofunemployment.
Iftheunemploymentwasn'tenoughtosnuffmeoutonitsown,Igaveitsomehelp.Withtheaidofalittlealcohol,I madeaboneheadeddecisiontopunchawallrepeatedly.Notthehollowpartofthewall,thepartwithastudbeneath it.Inmymind,atthetime,itwasapassionatedisplaytomywifeofjusthowreadyIwastoprove“allthenaysayers”
Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs Page 9
