“Come and sit down, Liza,” he said as he led her to the couch. He knelt down and looked up at her. “Liza, we are miles apart in what we each do. Your life is here or in Belfast, mine is somewhere out there with the army. I have seen how you settle down into organising business, and not just small business but a very big company which covers so much. I cannot compete with that, in fact, I don’t want to. To take you away from all this would be criminal and to take you back to the life that we had before would be selfish. I cannot live this way, although you and I are so compatible in many ways. You must not hide yourself away in Benson; there is much more to you than that and I must not remain here, I would not be able to tolerate that. In the end, no matter which one of us made the sacrifice, one of us would end up hating the other, and I’m not prepared to let that happen to either of us.”
“You’re leaving me,” said Liza quietly, and he nodded. “But Patrick, I don’t want to be here. I want to go back to Benson. I’m happy there.”
“No, you’re not, Liza, I’ve seen you in action here and in Belfast; it is impossible for you to settle back into the life in Benson and besides, I shall not be there. I’ll put in for a transfer to somewhere a long way from there.”
“You can leave me, Patrick, but my heart will be with you wherever you go and for the rest of my life,” she whispered and she looked at him with her big green eyes and they welled up with tears which quietly trickled down her cheeks. He had never seen them look quite so beautiful and he had a hard time not to touch her and comfort her.
“When are you leaving,” she asked. “The boys will really miss you; had you thought about that?”
“Yes, I have thought about that more than anything else. They are young enough to forget me, and I’m sorry that I have landed you with John, he was really my responsibility, but he’s very happy with you and if you stay here, he has everything that any child could ever want.”
“He won’t have a father and no, I won’t stay here. I’ll find somewhere else to start again in. I won’t want to be anywhere where we have been. I couldn’t do that before and I most certainly won’t be able to do that now. Last time you left because you had to, this time, it’s because you want to. I’m already hurting and you haven’t gone yet.”
“I’m planning to leave tomorrow. Long drawn out goodbyes would be too painful for both of us.”
“Please don’t go Patrick. You know that I would go with you wherever you wanted to be. You know that I love you, and I know that you love me, so it’s so very silly for us to live apart. It doesn’t make sense,” said Liza.
“It does make sense and to keep you with me is totally unfair. I’ve thought it over for some time now, and keep coming back to the same conclusion. We can’t live together without one of us eventually hating the other,” said Patrick.
“You’re wrong, Patrick, you’re so very wrong, I will never hate you.”
The tears just kept flowing from Liza’s eyes; she wasn’t making a sound, but was finding it difficult to breathe. She walked over to the bed and lay on it turning on her side away from Patrick. She knew what life was like without him and she had hated it and all she could think of was time stretching out in front of her forever without love. She could not even think about visiting the boys. She just wanted to curl up and die.
Patrick just had to get out of the room otherwise he would have picked her up and held her and they would have been back where they started, so he went down to the dining room and unfortunately Jamie was there. He looked up and said: “So you’ve told her then.”
Patrick frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Patrick, you have been struggling with a momentous decision for some time now, and that can only mean one thing. You’re leaving Liza here and going back to your unit. You have been unhappy here, more so than when you were in Belfast and Liza has blossomed the whole time she has been here. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that you both are in different worlds.”
Patrick just nodded.
Jamie carried on. “It’s a shame that you came back when you did. She was beginning to come to terms with not having you around and now she’s going to be right back where she started. I’ll say this to you, Patrick, for her sake stay away this time, don’t keep turning up like a bad penny because that would be cruel. When you leave, stay gone. Let her try and get over you, and give somebody else a chance.”
“You keep away from her, Jamie,” said Patrick.
“You will no longer have any right to tell me to do that, Patrick. I was going to leave in a couple of days, but I think I’ll stay around for a while and pick up where I left off last year. She’s going to need a friend and I’d like that friend to be me,” said Jamie.
“You just leave her alone,” said Patrick clenching his fists.
“How very selfish of you, Patrick; you don’t want her and you don’t want anyone else to have her. You will have no control over who she sees and what she does. You will relinquish that right when you leave her. Are you going to arrange for a divorce?” said Jamie.
That had not occurred to Patrick. He had not felt the need for a divorce, but sadly, Jamie was right, Liza shouldn’t be tied to him.
“You hadn’t thought of that, had you Patrick and that’s because you don’t really want to let her go. Well, you’re going to have to think about it, you can’t leave her tied to a permanently absent husband,” said Jamie. “My God Patrick, have you any idea how badly Liza reacted to you abandoning her before? But I’ll do my best to make her happy.”
Jealousy reared its ugly head in Patrick and rather than get into an argument with Jamie, he left the room and went into the library to sit and think. Jamie was right; he didn’t want Jamie or anyone else to get near his Liza. But she wasn’t his Liza anymore and that was his decision.
***
Liza got up and dried her eyes and went in to see the boys and they were playing nicely and looking forward to their supper. They always had it down in the kitchen and every day they found it exciting as they had no idea what they would be having until they sat down. The kitchen staff kept up this game for them and there was never a problem with them eating whatever they were given.
They read a few paragraphs of the book they were studying to her and she said how well they were progressing. She told Mary to let the staff in the kitchen know that she would not be dining that evening, and Mary insisted that a tray should be organised for her. Liza didn’t argue as she knew that it was obvious to Mary from the look on her face that there was a serious problem.
Liza went to the bedroom and saw that Patrick had packed quite proficiently as most army people would. She wondered where he was, probably in the library as that was where he normally went when he wanted to be alone. She wanted to go down and find him, but had to respect his need for solitude. An hour passed and Mary came in with a supper tray for her. Mary was such a kindly soul and Liza had grown used to having her around and she wondered whether she would come with her when she finally decided where she would end up.
Another hour passed and Liza checked on the boys and then decided that she would get ready for bed herself. Perhaps sleep would help her, but if she slept it would bring the time of Patrick’s departure that much closer. She hadn’t changed from her day clothes and found that it was a relief to get into her nightdress and over gown.
Finally Patrick came into the bedroom and said that he didn’t know where he should spend the night. “This is our bedroom, Patrick, and it’s where you should be whilst you are in this house. If you don’t want to be in our bed then I’m afraid the couch is the only other option,” said Liza.
“Liza, I believe we should think about divorce. It would be unfair for you to have a husband who is never around,” said Patrick.
“No,” said Liza adamantly and that was all she would say. She went over to the bed and climbed in and watched Patrick undress. When he was down to his underclothes, she got out of bed and moved over to him. He had his back turned towards her and s
he put her arms around him and leaned her head against his back. He unfolded her arms, turned around and looked down at her. “If only all our time together could be spent in bed, Liza. We please and enjoy our time there to the exclusion of all else. We are so compatible sexually; we laugh, play and do such wonderful things to each other. But that seems to be all we have. I thought we had more when we were in Benson, but Belfast and now here in New York has proved that we don’t.”
“When we are in Benson, we do have a lot more, you know we do. You see things so very differently to me. I see us living happily with you carrying out your army duties and me buzzing around the various businesses I have there, visiting friends, teaching and then we look after our family and eventually come together at night,” said Liza.
“Surely that’s not enough for you?” he asked.
“It’s more than enough; it’s what I can handle without having to refer to anybody else and if I make a mistake then it’s down to me alone. Patrick, you came thousands of miles to bring me home and you’re abandoning me here where I don’t want to be.”
“Benson’s no longer home, Liza.”
“Home should be wherever we are. Patrick, will you come to bed with me tonight? Will you hold me, kiss me, comfort me and love me to give me something that is so personal to us to remember you by. Please will you?” asked Liza.
“That’s not a good idea, Liza,” said Patrick.
“We’ve done many things that have not been good ideas and enjoyed every one of them.” Liza moved away from him and climbed into bed, leaving the choice up to him. If he came to bed with her she would try to show him how much she loved him and make him see how much he loved her.
Patrick looked at her for a long while, trying to make up his mind what to do. He knew that she was trying to prove to him that he couldn’t live without her, and maybe she was right, perhaps he would find it almost impossible to live without her.
For the first time in their lives together he turned and walked away from her bed and he had no idea how he had the strength or the self-control to do that. He dare not look back at her as he didn’t want to see the pain which he knew would be in her eyes as he also was feeling that pain.
He put on a robe and left the room without glancing at her. “It is for the best,” he said to himself as he went down the stairs and into the library.
Liza was devastated, he had never refused her before, but she still could not believe that he was really leaving her. She could understand that this life in New York wasn’t what he wanted, but she could not understand that he was also refusing the life that they had in Benson which in his mind was for her sake. Surely it was up to her to make that decision, but he would call it a sacrifice on her part for his sake.
She lay awake all night hoping to hear his footsteps on the stairs and he would come into her telling her that it had all been a big misunderstanding but when dawn came she was still alone. She looked around and his trunk and case were still there so there was still hope.
She washed and dressed quickly and ran down the stairs to find him and he was sitting in the library with his feet up on a stool and she threw herself at him sobbing and begging him not to go. He was startled and lifted her away from him. “Liza, please don’t make this any harder than it is going to be.”
“I told you once before that I have no pride where you are concerned, and I’m begging you to stay with me and the boys. They need you and I certainly need and want you. Can’t we come to some compromise? Can’t we give it say six months and if either of us finds Benson too restricting then one or both of us pack up and find somewhere new or in my case, return here.”
The suggestion sounded very badly thought out to Patrick and he said, “I don’t think that would work, Liza, besides I need to get away.”
“You need to get away, from what, Patrick? Do you need to get away from me? So, it’s really what you want and not any concern for me. All your talk about a sacrifice on my part was just your excuse to be free.” She stood up and mopped her eyes with her hand and said, “I’ll help you pack. I hope you’ll have the courage to wait to say goodbye to the boys. I would suggest that you don’t say that you won’t be seeing them again and do tell me what lie you will be telling them so that I can carry the deception on for them.”
With that Liza walked out of the room and up to her bedroom again. Patrick was stunned, she had never spoken to him like that before but perhaps it was for the best as it would be easier for her if she were annoyed at him.
He found her throwing his clothes into his trunk and case without a thought of folding them and when his smart new uniform ended up in a heap on the floor he said, “Enough Liza. I know you’re annoyed, but just leave the packing to me.”
She sat on the bed and watched him packing with the precision that the army had taught him and her annoyance was disappearing as the realisation that he was really going dawned on her. He kept looking across at her and could see that she had calmed down and was back to showing just sadness. He washed, shaved and dressed; he heard the boys talking in their room; drew a deep breath and went across to see them.
When he returned, he too looked sad. “I’ve told them that I’ve been called away on another mission and I’m not sure how long I will be but you will be looking after them very well and they must do whatever you tell them. I also told them not to bother you too much today as you are very sad and needed to be by yourself for a while. I also told them not to come into you for a short time as I wanted to say my goodbyes to you privately.”
She nodded as words were impossible to say. He came over and kissed her on the head saying, “It’s for the best, Liza.”
“No, it’s not, Patrick, it’s the worst decision you have ever made. Goodbye Patrick, my darling,” and she turned her back on him so that she wouldn’t see him leave. She heard him cross the room to pick up his case and go down the stairs. He asked the butler to organise someone to bring his trunk down to the waiting carriage, and when this was done, he was gone and once again she experienced the cold emptiness of losing the man that she loved.
***
The house was very quiet; everyone seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for something and Liza realised that it was her, she was the one that everyone was looking towards for guidance, and it really was the last thing that she wanted to do. She just wanted to stay in her room and see nobody, but here she was the leader and everyone needed someone to follow. It was a very great responsibility but she rose to the occasion; tidied herself up; tried to look cheerful and went in to see the boys.
Mary was with them and they all looked up at her, each in their separate ways concerned for her. Matthew was the most sensitive out of the two boys as, in his short memory, he had seen her looking this way before and he always sensed when she was unhappy. In his mind he was going to step into Patrick’s shoes and look after her. John didn’t like the fact that his saviour was not with them at present, but he had been told that he too must look after his new mother and he wouldn’t find it difficult as he loved her very much. Mary nodded to her, telling her that she would keep the boys out of her way today.
“That won’t be necessary, Mary, but I would like you to be with us today as I have to go to the offices and the boys should be with me today as much as possible, and there’s plenty to keep them occupied there as long as there is somebody to watch over them. Then we’ll go and visit Mrs Mahoney. That’s my plan, but often other things happen which could change that. Can you tell Bridget to get one of my evening dresses out please as there is a function that I would like to attend this evening and I believe Mr and Mrs Mahoney will be going so I will be able to join them?”
Mary wasn’t fooled by this outward sign of normality, by now she knew Liza well enough to see that inside her heart was breaking and she admired the way she was handling herself, especially for the sake of the boys. She knew that Mr Patrick wasn’t off on a mission; she knew that he had left with no intention of returning. For what real reason, she
had only an inkling having heard him saying to Lord Edgeworth that Benson was not big enough for Liza and here was too big for him. They weren’t exactly his words but that was what he meant.
Whilst Mary was getting the boys ready for the day, Liza went back into her room and stood in front of the wardrobe trying to make up her mind what to wear that evening. She decided on a bright yellow evening gown; she needed the world to see that she was in command of her life. People would realise that Patrick wasn’t around but she had to show them that it was an army decision and not the personal one that it really was.
At the port Mary and the boys went exploring all the ships in dock and talking to many of the sailors who they had got to know and who had become used to seeing them around. Liza went up to Henry’s office but waited outside as he had a client with him. As she waited Walter Anderson appeared dressed in a suit which, although worn, was clean and neat and he appeared delighted to see her.
“I’ve been compiling a list of people who I believe would be useful to the company,” he said. “I’m trying to determine those who would be able to turn back to an honest life and those who are hopeless cases. I’m going to see who you currently use for security and I’ll be able to let you know who could be used again.” There was a smile on his face as he knew who had given out the private information on Liza.
“Were your children all right when you got home yesterday?” asked Liza.
“Yes. They were frightened having been left so long, but one of the neighbours stepped in and fed them, thank goodness. I suppose that’s the advantage of being overcrowded, at least someone noticed the children,” he said.
“Where do you live, Walter?” she asked.
“Down in the Finsbury area of town. Hopefully, after a few months working here, I’ll be able to move the family away from the slums,” said Walter.
Against All Odds Page 11
