She could only nod.
He pulled her to him, and she pressed her ear against the middle of his chest. His heartbeat pounded like a coach and four barreling through the English countryside.
“Julia, let’s not wait. I’ll secure a special license. We can marry tomorrow morning, then head to Scotland directly after. If the fates and weather are kind, we can be nestled in bed together at Dunmore Castle within five days.” He pulled away and cupped his cheeks in her hands. “We can be home. We’ll spend our first Christmas and then every single one thereafter that the good Lord gives us in Edinburgh.”
“Wait! No.” She shook her head gently. “I can’t leave Bennett.”
His brow creased into neat lines.
She swallowed taking the moment to find the right words. “Bennett will feel abandoned, and I can’t do that to him. You see, after we lost our parents and March and Faith married, he and I have become very close. He’d feel as if I’ve broken my vow to him. I just promised him this morning that I’d never leave him.”
A beautiful smile lit his face. “There is no cause for concern. He’ll come with us. Does he have a tutor or a governess? They’ll come with us. If not, then we’ll find the best tutor that Edinburgh has to offer. My nephews will need one, too. They can all study together.”
The beguiling gleam in his startling gray eyes took her breath. Her beating heart pounded against her chest to reach his. She wanted to agree, but for all her worth, she simply couldn’t. “Cameron, no. I can’t take him from my sisters. The three of us are his security. He’s learning how to be a man. Our brother-in-law, McCalpin, has personally taken him under his wing. He’s teaching him what it means to be a peer and what those responsibilities entail.”
Cam’s eyebrow shot up, and his voice deepened. “I could teach him those skills, my love.”
“Of course, you can. But it’s more than that.” If she navigated successfully through their conversation, perhaps they’d find a solution that would be satisfactory for them all. “Cam, you’re an honorable and caring man. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you otherwise. It’s just”—she twisted her fingers together—“that he’s lost so much in his short life. I can’t take him from his family.”
He let out a soulful sigh. “Jules, if I was only responsible for myself, I’d say yes to staying in London. But I have my sister and my nephews to consider. I’m the only man in their lives now. I finally have Lara settled where she’s able to grieve without the need to flee. I brought her and the boys with me so I could keep an eye on them. I can’t ask her to stay in London. She might become distraught or fall ill again. If that happens, I’m not certain I can put the pieces together.” He took her hands in his and gazed deeply into her eyes. “I can’t jeopardize my family’s safety and happiness. Perhaps in a year or so, we could spend more time in London. Until then, Bennett is always welcome in our home.”
She blinked twice to defeat the sting of hot tears that threatened to escape. She had no conception that love could be so painful. Though she desperately wanted a life with him, her promise and duty were to her little brother. Just as Cam’s duty required he care for his sister and nephews. Burrowed within her chest, her heart revolted by skipping a beat, but there remained only one right decision.
“I’m sorry, Cameron, but I can’t marry you unless we stay in London and Bennett lives with us.” She released his hands. The movement made her feel adrift in a sea of doubt as her heart and her mind battled against one another until there was only one clear victor who would take all the spoils of war, or perhaps more appropriately, the spoils of her heart. “Perhaps too much has transpired between the two of us in the six months that we’ve been separated.”
He picked up the sprig of mistletoe that had fallen to the floor, then stood slowly. He studied the small posy as if it held answers to all their dilemmas. Finally, his sigh broke the silence between them. “I’m sorry too, Julia. I thought we’d be able to see our way through my mistakes…but perhaps I was foolish to hope for a Christmas miracle.”
With a quick bow, he took his leave. The logs in the fireplace crackled before a flurry of sparks exploded.
Exactly what had happened to her heart when he exited the room. It shattered into a million pieces, and she had no idea how to put it together again.
Chapter 5
Julia sat in the salon not seeing or hearing anything until she found herself surrounded by her sisters, March and Faith. Her oldest sister March had brown hair that only enhanced her exquisite attractiveness. Julia favored her other sister in looks, but Faith’s real beauty derived from her endless patience and kindness to all.
The concern on their faces opened the floodgates of grief and tears over losing Cameron. March rocked her in her arms as she’d done countless times when Julia was little and needed comfort. But there was no comfort and joy to be found this holiday.
After she had no more tears to expend, she released a deep breath. “It’s over.”
“What is?” Faith asked. She pushed a perfectly pressed linen square into Julia’s hand.
“Queensgrace’s and my betrothal. He asked me to marry him today, and I said yes. Then within a minute, it was over.” The words sounded caustic to her ears, but she wanted to share her brief elation that had turned into such painful sorrow. If love could be so cruel, then she’d vowed she’d never subject herself to such agony again. But both March and Faith were the most level-headed women she knew. If anyone could help her heal, it would be them. Lucky for her they were her best friends as well as sisters. “He wanted to marry quickly, then move to Edinburgh as soon as possible.” She forced herself not to succumbed to another sob that threatened.
“Why?” March asked as she brushed the wisps of Julia’s hair that had escaped from the simple chignon she’d crafted this morning. “When you told us that he was coming today, we were thrilled that things seemed to be working out for the two of you. Don’t you want to marry him?”
Julia shuddered in her arms, then pulled away. “More than anything. He explained why he hadn’t written to me with more information. His sister was ill.” That’s all she felt comfortable sharing of the Queengrace family’s misfortunes. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted, but I made a promise to Bennett that I’d not leave him. Nor would I take him away from you both.”
“Our brother is keeping you from marrying Queensgrace?” Faith tilted her head and studied her. “Julia, the earl loves you.”
“I doubted him after he left me, but I have no doubt he loves me now,” she murmured. “Sometimes love isn’t enough. There are too many obstacles.” Julia rose from her seat and began to pace. “Once Bennett discovered Cameron was in town, he’s become very protective of me.”
“That sounds like our brother,” Faith agreed.
March’s eyebrows lifted. “He’s always done that. Is there more?”
She nodded. “He shared that he was frightened that I’d leave him. He believes we’re the last of the Lawson family, and if I married and left to live with Queensgrace, then he’d be alone.”
March sighed woefully, and little lines of worry creased Faith eyes.
“I’ve neglected him,” March declared. Elegantly tall, she rose from her seat and joined Julia beside the fireplace.
“No, March. After all you’ve done to hold our family together, it was time for you to find happiness with McCalpin. I’ve never seen you so happy,” Julia wouldn’t let their oldest sister bear this burden—not after everything she’d done for the family. For years, she’d been the father, mother, estate manager, and governess to her brother and sisters.
Faith released a deep breath, then joined her sisters before the warmth of the fire. “Since I married Mark, I’ve been helping him as the demand for his services as a physician is increasing weekly. Perhaps, we could find someone else to help.”
“No.” Julia grasped her middle sister’s hand in hers. “When you’re with your husband, you absolutely glow with brilliance. You deserve such joy an
d more.”
Julia bit her lip as the memory of Cam’s mouth against hers cascaded through her thoughts. All afternoon she’d replayed their kiss. She promised herself she would never forget the soft sweep of his lips against hers or the way he deepened their kiss with his tongue as it tangled with hers. Now she knew how perfect such a heartfelt caress could be. No wonder poets were so effusive in their praise of the act. To forego Cam’s kisses forever was her definition of purgatory, but her first responsibility was to Bennett.
“Perhaps we should call a family meeting,” March offered. “Bennett’s never been shy about telling any of us what he wants or needs. With the four of us, perhaps we can come up with a solution that will benefit us all?”
Faith nodded. “Just like in the old days.”
Julia smiled at the fond memories. Though they were once a ragtag family, they always had loved each other deeply, and even when their circumstances had changed from dire to everything spectacular, they were loyal to one another. That’s why she couldn’t forsake her little brother.
She smoothed her hands over her shirt. “A family meeting won’t change my mind. I’ll not leave Bennett. All my life you two have provided the security for our family. It’s my turn. It’s a promise I intend to keep.”
March stared at her. “Julia, even if it means you’ll lose the love of your life?”
Gathering certainty in her decision, Julia attended to the fire, then turned to face her sisters. “How could I leave our brother after I promised him I wouldn’t? I above all understand that feeling of abandonment.”
The pain on March’s face didn’t escape Julia.
“March, you were everything to me when I was Bennett’s age. I hate to think how I would have survived the loss of our parents without knowing that you were there for me. Always.” She straightened her shoulders in a sign of strength. “You both have your husbands and other responsibilities that you’re responsible for now just as I have mine. I want to be there for Bennett. Even though he acts like a man, he’s still a little boy that deserves comfort, love, and a sense of belonging. I can provide that stability if I’m here in London. I can’t do that in Edinburgh. Cam even offered to have Bennett live with us, but I’ll not take him away from both of you.”
Their eyes widened in shock. Even the suggestion of taking their little brother from them was inconceivable.
“Even if it means you’re the one that sacrifices your happiness?” Faith asked softly.
“Yes. Christmas is the season where we should think of others first,” Julia answered. Her chest tightened.
Even if marrying Cam was the only thing she’d ever wanted for Christmas.
Cam’s London townhouse had always been a comfortable haven since he’d had it redecorated the first year he took his seat in the House of Lords. But the contentment he normally found within its walls had vanished. Even the Scottish tea he enjoyed first thing in the morning tasted like yesterday’s bathwater.
He let out a deep breath as he studied the blanket of snow that covered the London streets outside his window. Would he ever find joy in the simple things in life again?
The inevitable answer of ‘no’ echoed throughout his musings. It’d been less than twenty-four hours since Julia had rejected his proposal. In that time, he hadn’t come up with any additional arguments, let alone a sound solution to their problem. She needed London for her family, and he needed Scotland for his. Her sense of family and loyalty were some of her most endearing qualities. She’d shown that trait in abundance when they’d first met, and he’d been immediately smitten. That’s why he could share so much and wanted to build a life with her.
He rested his head against the back of his chair and closed his eyes. He could propose that they marry, and she could stay in London when he had to travel to Scotland, but that left a bitter taste in his mouth.
He’d not leave his wife—his Julia again—ever.
But the truth was, she wasn’t his.
“Cameron Alan Dunmore.” Lara glided into the study. With her red hair and flashing blue eyes, she was a force to be reckoned with. “What have you done?”
Cam stood and studied her face. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes, something’s wrong. I’m aghast. Are you really thinking of leaving London without your bride?” Lara softened her voice. “You love her, Cam.”
He came around the desk and led her to the two matching chairs in front of the fire. After she was seated, he took the other. “Too much has passed between Julia and me.”
Her brow creased. “Is it because of me and my illness that you can’t see your way clear to marry Julia?”
He took his younger sister’s hand and squeezed. “No. She won’t move to Scotland, lass, and I won’t leave you and the boys.”
She took a deep breath and sighed. “You were always the protector, Cam.” She leaned close to him and held his gaze. “But let me take that role now. I thank you for everything you’ve done for me and mine, but it’s time to live your own life. I’m better now. I’d even say I’m stronger now than ever before.”
He had to make the right decision. Lara had only recently sewed the pieces of her life together with a proverbial thread that was still new and probably fragile. He couldn’t live with himself if she fell ill again because of him. “There’s no denying you’re stronger,” Cam said softly. “But I’d never leave you and the boys. You’re my family.”
“And so is Julia,” Lara answered with a smile, but she held his gaze. “Listen to me, Cameron.” She squeezed his hand in a show of strength. “I know what it’s like to lose the love of your life. I’ll not let you forgo such a gift as true love.”
“My lord, a boy who calls himself Lord Lawson is here to see you.” His butler and man-of-affairs, Dougan Campbell announced. “What shall I tell him?”
Lara stood and kissed his cheek. A breathtaking smile lit her face. Such a rare sight was a brilliant present in itself. “Find a way, Cam. It’s what I want for Christmas,” she said softly. “Now, see to your visitor.”
“Send him in.” Cam answered. As Lara left, he dropped his shoulders. The young viscount probably still wanted to wring his neck for kissing his sister. Perhaps he should allow Bennett to do it. The pain wouldn’t be any worse than the way his heart had been ripped in two after his last visit with his Julia. He closed his eyes. He was making himself sick with such thoughts. She wasn’t his, and it appeared she never would be.
What a bloody happy Christmas this would be.
“Queensgrace?” Lawson entered the room.
Cam motioned him forward. The boy’s normal bravado and keen sense of wicked humor were notably absent. Before Cam stood a tentative young boy, who seemed defeated.
“Lawson, I’m surprised you’re here. What may I do for you this morning?”
“We need to talk man-to-man.” Bennett’s cheeks flushed, and he cleared his throat after his voice broke uncontrollably. A sign that the young boy in front of him would soon be on his way to manhood.
Cam blinked, then narrowed his eyes. The boy’s face looked worried and a bit apprehensive. But Julia loved this boy with all her heart, and because she did, he’d welcome her brother into his home even though they both were aware that Bennett didn’t trust him. “Come sit in front of my desk. Would you care for a tea or chocolate? The wind is particularly biting today.”
The boy shook his head. “Thank you, but no. I’ll be brief. Julia doesn’t know that I’m here, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
The boy’s serious face gave Cam pause. “Would she disapprove?”
Lawson nodded gently. “After you left yesterday, Julia cried. I heard her tell my sisters that she couldn’t marry you because of me.”
The words were a direct punch in Cam’s stomach, and he sucked a gulp of air. In all his years, he never recalled making a woman cry, and the fact that he’d made Julia, his love, cry left him reeling. “Lawson, I swear I never meant to hurt her.”
With a slight n
od that sent his black curls waving, the boy continued, “I’m aware that you love her, and this makes my confession doubly hard. I’m the one that made her cry. You see, I made her promise that she’d stay with me. But it was selfishness on my part. Julia, just like my other sisters, deserves happiness, and I know she’ll have a happy life with you as your wife.”
Cam leaned back in the massive study chair he’d had custom made to accommodate his long legs. The boy’s solemn words were laced with contriteness. “That’s very noble on your part, but I’ve never seen your sister as one who could be swayed if her mind and heart had decided another course.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on the desk as he regarded Bennett. “And if I could find a way around this predicament, trust me, I’d be on my knees in front of your sister right this minute begging her to marry me.”
Bennett straightened in his seat and regarded Cam. “I’ve found a way. I’ve asked my tutor to recommend that I be admitted to Eton early for next term. March thought it best if I wait a year so I had the necessary academic foundation, but I don’t want Julia to suffer because I’m still at home. I’ll see if there are private tutors that can help me acclimate to the academics required by the school.”
Cam sat there dumbfounded. The boy sitting before him would make such a sacrifice for his own sister’s happiness? “Bennett, you can come live with us in Scotland.”
He shook his head. “I appreciate the offer, Queensgrace, but I need to think about what’s right for my sisters. If I’m in school, then they can concentrate on their new families.” The tiniest hint of an Adam’s apple bobbed up and down on his thin neck. “They’re all I have, and I’ll see every one of them happy,” he declared.
The unwavering strength in his voice that his decision was steadfast showed a maturity that grown men didn’t possess. The Lawson sisters had raised a fine boy who would turn into a great man—sooner rather than later.
“It’s my Christmas gift to all of them,” he said. “Now, let me give you a piece of advice.” He leaned close to Cam’s desk, then lowered his voice. “Julia is shopping on Bond street for my present. Find her and walk with her a bit. She’ll see how much she misses you. Tomorrow, McCalpin and March are having a Christmas Eve gathering for family and friends. I’m inviting you. You should ask her to marry you then.” He winked, then delivered a sly smile. “No one can resist saying yes to a proposal on Christmas Eve.”
'Tis the Season: Regency Yuletide Short Stories Page 26
