by Dori Lavelle
“That’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want you to stop living so you can care for me. You have lost so many moments of your life already. You have gone through enough pain. I don’t want this to be on your shoulders as well.”
“That’s not fair. You didn’t even give me a chance to decide.” My arms tighten around his legs. “When you asked me to marry you, I did not expect a fairytale. I’ve gone through enough to know that life is not perfect, that there will be bends in the road. The vows I was going to make to you on our wedding day were not going to be empty. I was ready to be with you in sickness and in health.” I shake my head, tears spilling everywhere. “Please don’t push me away. You have me...always. And you have brothers who love you so much. You won’t be fighting alone.”
A knock on the door startles both of us. I glance at it, then back at Caleb.
“Will you tell your brothers?” I ask cautiously. I don’t want to push him, but they need to know.
He blows out a long breath. “I wasn’t going to, not for a while at least, but I have a feeling you will force me to.”
“They deserve to know. It would be cruel to keep them in the dark.”
“Is everything all right in there?” Lance asks from the other side of the door. I can’t help wondering whether he was in the hallway for a while, and perhaps heard part of our conversation. Or maybe he just senses that something is wrong. If there’s something I’ve learned about the LaClaire brothers, it’s that they are more emotionally connected than any siblings I have ever known.
“They deserve to know,” I repeat in a whisper, pleading with Caleb. One of the reasons I want them to know is so that they can talk sense into him, to help me convince him to undergo treatment. I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without their support.
I’m relieved when Caleb nods and pushes himself to his feet.
“Everything’s fine,” he calls back to Lance. “We’ll be right out.”
Before we leave the room, I hold Caleb again, wishing I could give him my health. When we part, I cup his face with my hands and give him a shaky smile, pretending to be strong.
“It’s not over, Caleb LaClaire. It’s not over for you. It’s not over for us.”
CALEB
When Lance hears about my cancer, he takes a moment to digest the information while veins of fury push through the skin on his forehead, then he stands up. Without even a glance at me, he walks out of the living room. Not long after, the front door slams.
I’ve seen Lance angry before, more times than I can count. But he’s never been furious to the point he can’t even speak.
I get up to follow him, but Ellie stops me. “Give him the time he needs.”
I sink back down, guilt gnawing at my insides. I don’t blame him for being pissed off. In his shoes, I’d probably react the same way. I was a fool to think it was all right to keep my illness from them. I shut them out.
My brothers and I have always butted into each other’s business. Even when Lance went through his own struggles, I made his business my own. I gave him hell about drinking and everything else he did to mess up his life. I have no right to be pissed when he does the same thing.
I glance at Ellie, taking all of her goodness in. I know she’s struggling as well, but she’s trying to be strong for me. Pushing her away was a mistake.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to protect her from the pain that comes with a disease like cancer. I know it can wreak havoc on so many families and relationships, some of which never survive the impact.
I wish I had told her sooner, instead of being drugged up with painkillers and drowning my sorrows in alcohol, hiding from the truth.
Since I refuse to have treatment, I don’t have long to live, but instead of being with her, I robbed us of precious time together.
“I am such a fool,” I say. “I should have told you immediately.”
“Yes.” She nods. “You should have.” She blinks several times, fighting tears. “Instead of searching for comfort in another woman’s arms, you should have come to me.”
I turn her to face me, brushing strands of her hair from her eyes so she can see me clearly. “Everything you read in the papers, about me and Beverley, is not true. I’m no longer the man I used to be. You changed me.”
“What about the photos? You were photographed in bed together. You were kissing her.”
“Those photos are not real.” I pause. “I mean, Beverley took them while I was passed out drunk. She sneaked into my hotel room. She must have kissed me while I slept. I woke up to find her trying to open my shirt.” I grind my teeth, disgusted that I had put myself in that position. I should not have drunk as much as I did that night. I should have suspected that she had feelings for me a long time ago. “I rejected her, Ellie. She tried to seduce me, but I turned her down because there’s only one woman I love.”
“You really still love me?”
“Baby, I never stopped.” I kiss her forehead. “I thought I would get used to living without you, but I failed miserably. I missed you every second of every day. I missed my bowling days with Justin.”
“Then do this for us.” Ellie blinks and droplets of tears cling to her long eyelashes. “Fight this disease for us.”
When I think of going through all the treatment, the images that flash through my mind are those of Ellie walking in and out of hospitals, accompanying me to endless doctors’ appointments and then, at the end of the day, going back home to cry herself to sleep. And there are no guarantees anyway. I might still end up dead.
“You and Justin will never have to struggle financially. You will be taken care of when I’m gone.”
She stands and puts her arms around her body as she always does when she’s upset. “We don’t need your money.” It’s hard to hear her words because they’re coming out in pieces. “It was hard before you came along, but we survived. We can do it again.” She pauses. “What I need more than anything in this world is for you to live.” She turns her face toward the ceiling in an attempt to stop the tears, but she fails. She eventually quits and comes to sit back down. “Caleb LaClaire, the cancer does not change anything. I still want to marry you. I don’t care if we have to do it in a hospital room. I just want to be your wife.”
“But for how long?” I ask.
“I don’t care if it’s only for a week, or two, or three. I want to love you for as long as you give me permission to.”
“Are you sure about that?” I swallow hard. “Are you completely sure?”
“Yes.” She throws herself into my arms. “My promise to marry you still stands. I don’t know where life will take us, what journey we will have to travel, but I want to travel it with you. And I won’t take no for an answer.”
“Then let’s get married,” I whisper into her hair. “I want you to be my wife.”
Lance returns home, finding us still in each other’s arms. The veins are still popping through the skin of his forehead, but his eyes are less furious.
Ellie breaks our embrace. “Talk to your brother,” she says and stands. “I’ll be upstairs.”
As soon as she leaves, Lance charges toward me, planting his hands on my shoulders. “Why the fuck did you do that? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I did not want to disrupt your lives.” If he’s upset about me not telling them, I can only imagine how furious he will be when I let him know that I don’t want treatment. He won’t be the only one.
“What the fuck do you think family is for? We’re your brothers, damn it. We love you.” His grip on my shoulders is almost painful. But he soon loosens his fingers and pulls me into his arms. “You cannot just choose to shut us out, little brother.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight.” I close my eyes as the rush of love for my brother sweeps through me.
Lance pulls away and his hands return to my shoulders. His eyes are just as wet as mine. “We will all fight this together.” His voice is thick with determination.
Not wanting to have any more secrets between us, I tell him. I tell him that I don’t want to fight, that I want to accept my fate.
His rage returns, burning brighter than before, scorching my heart. He tells me I’m selfish for making the decision without consulting them. When I don’t budge, he calls our other brothers and a video conference takes place.
Everybody is devastated and emotional. They all agree with Lance and Ellie. They demand I undergo treatment. But I refuse. This is my decision to make, and I’ve made up my mind. They have no choice but to accept it. And I have to face the consequences.
ELLIE
While Maria, the seamstress, moves around me, pinning my dress to make it fit better, I observe my reflection in the long mirror.
We are back in Cabo, where the pre-wedding celebrations will happen. The wedding itself will take place on one of the LaClaire cruise ships.
We decided it’s best to get married at sea and as far away from the press as we can get. Instead of a normal wedding celebration, we will combine it with our honeymoon, to which all the LaClaires and some of their closest friends are invited.
The best gift I can give Caleb is more time with his family and friends. They’re just as worried about him as I am. I don’t know how long we all have with him. He never wants to discuss time, but I won’t waste a minute. We choose to focus on his quality of life rather than quantity.
The last two weeks had been a roller coaster ride. Every day I woke up hoping Caleb would tell me he changed his mind, that he would undergo treatment after all. But each day ended the same way.
A few days ago, I discovered that he has been avoiding calls from his doctors. When I tearfully confronted him, he simply brushed me off and refused to discuss it further.
Even though my heart was breaking, I came to the realization that only he can make the decision to seek treatment. We have to step back and give him the space he needs to think about it. To help me cope, I have secretly started to see a therapist. Watching him getting weaker every day kills me inside.
Diving into the wedding planning also helped keep me sane. Now everything is ready for the big day, the day that’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, but promises to be bittersweet instead.
I don’t regret the decision I made to still marry Caleb. No matter what happens, no matter how long we have with each other, I want to call him my husband.
“Is it too tight?” Maria asks, standing back to get a better look at me. “If it is, I’ll give you a little more space to breathe.”
Caleb’s disease did not only take its toll on him. It also affected me physically. Even though I was able to get back my dress from the Blush Boutique, it no longer fits right because I lost so much weight. I’m not skin and bones yet. I still have some curves left to make the figure-hugging lace and chiffon dress look good, but my body has certainly changed.
“It feels perfect,” I say, running my hands down my sides. “It’s beautiful.”
“I agree,” Jia LaClaire, Lance’s wife, says from behind us. I turn in time to see her enter the room. “You’ll make such a stunning bride. I cannot wait for Caleb to see you in that dress. He’ll be blown away.” Even as she says his name, I can read the pain between the lines. Like everyone else who knows and loves Caleb, she’s devastated by his illness.
“That’s the plan.” I push aside my own pain and smile back at her. This wedding will be my gift to him. I cannot allow pain to stand in the way. For one day, I want us both to forget the dark clouds hovering over our heads. I want to see him smile as I walk toward him down the aisle. Our wedding day will be perfect just as we planned.
“Great. It will be ready for you by tomorrow morning.” Maria helps me remove the dress, leaving me dressed in matching cream-colored lace panties and bra.
After that, she walks out of the room.
Jia lowers herself onto the chaise lounge by the window while I throw on a bathrobe.
“How are you feeling, Ellie?” She dips her head to the side and her black, bone straight hair spills to one side like a waterfall. She’s a mix of Chinese and African-American heritage and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She also has a heart of gold to match.
“I try not to think about it,” I say.
“Me too. I can’t believe Caleb is so stubborn about getting treatment. I really thought his brothers will talk some sense into him.”
“It’s what I had hoped as well, but I’ve come to accept that the decision has to come from him. He has to want it.” I sit down next to Jia, my heart heavy. “My wedding wish is that he will at least be happy on his special day.”
“I think he will be. The excitement of marrying you is what keeps him going.” Jia puts an arm around me and I lean into her for comfort.
I let out a deep sigh. “I think we better stop talking about it. I wouldn’t want to have dark bags under my eyes on my wedding day.” I rise to my feet. “I better get ready for the dinner.”
Before leaving me on my own, Jia gives me another one of her heartwarming smiles. “Try to enjoy every moment.” She squeezes my hand. “I cannot wait for you to become a part of this family. You’re an inspiration to all of us.”
“Jia LaClaire, please quit bringing me to tears.” I laugh in spite of myself. “I need to look my best tonight.”
“Sorry.” Jia laughs, then she walks to the door, but turns around before she steps out. “One more thing.”
“What’s that?” I cock an eyebrow.
“Justin will be fine. We are all here to help him come to terms with everything.”
I nod and say nothing. When I told Justin about Caleb’s cancer, he became even more introverted and angry. For days, I have not seen even a hint of a smile on his face. The only time I saw something resembling a spark in his eyes was when I told him that the wedding was still on. But that’s all he gave me. It’s enough for now.
On their wedding days, some women wish for flowers, champagne, diamonds, and lots of presents. My wedding wish is for Caleb to recognize how valuable his life is, both to him and everyone else who loves him.
Everyone cheers and claps as I walk down the stairs.
Caleb is standing at the bottom, grinning from ear to ear. For a second, I forget my pain and fears. As I gaze into my future husband’s eyes, I pretend that everything is all right.
I’m dressed in a shimmering black and gray strapless evening gown that pools at my feet like inky, black water. It was a gift from Caleb a year ago, but I haven’t had a chance to wear it yet. I kept waiting for a special occasion. This is it.
“You look delicious,” Caleb whispers into my ear when I reach the bottom and enter into his embrace. He has lost some weight as well, but I can still feel his well-defined muscles through his charcoal gray shirt.
“So do you.” I press a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you, Caleb.”
“What I feel for you cannot be put into words.” He places a hand on the small of my back and ushers me into the dining room.
Everyone else follows, including Cindy, who arrived in Cabo thirty minutes ago. Since my grandmother died eight months ago, she and Justin are the only family I have.
The dining room and the rest of the house are decorated in white roses and pink peonies, my favorite flowers. For the color scheme, Caleb and I both wanted something clean, yet elegant. The same types of flowers will be gracing the LaClaire ship tomorrow, adorned with silk ribbons and tulle.
Before the heartbreak and the cancer, I was excited about all the decorations and everything else that went with a fairytale wedding. But my priorities have changed since then. On my wedding day, I’ll only have eyes for Caleb. I don’t want to miss a beat.
The dining room smells of flowers and burning candles. Everything is perfect, romantic, and I breathe it in as I lower myself into the chair Caleb pulls out for me.
The first ten minutes of the rehearsal dinner are quiet with everyone trying to ignore the elephant in the room.
The only sounds that can be heard are those of the LaClaire children in the second dining room a few doors away, where two nannies are overseeing them.
Caleb suggested that Justin should eat in our dining room in case he needs our help during the meal.
My heart breaks as I watch my son staring into space, not even touching the food placed in front of him. I really hope that he will find it in himself to be a little excited at the wedding tomorrow.
During the meal, the other LaClaire brothers—Lance and his twin Bryant, Neal, and Derrick, all take turns to say a few words, taking long pauses as they ignore their fears that their brother might not live long enough to enjoy his married life.
“You chose the right woman,” Neal says. “She’s a gift to this family, so is Justin.” He throws a glance in Justin’s direction, but my son doesn’t even react.
Both shame and humiliation sweep through me, but I force a smile. “Thank you, Neal. But we know that we’re the lucky ones to have all of you in our lives.”
Neal nods, then turns to Caleb. “You can be a stubborn jerk sometimes, but we love you.” His voice deepens, his emotions taking over, but he clears his throat and continues. “I refuse to wish you only a few months of happiness. I choose to believe that you will have a long and happy life with your beautiful wife and stepson.”
I flinch inwardly. We all had a little meeting earlier behind Caleb’s back. It was agreed that we would all stay away from any topic that brings attention to Caleb’s cancer.
I hold my breath and glance at Caleb. At first, his expression tightens, then it’s loosened by a smile. “Thank you, bro,” he says in a strangled voice. “I will cherish every moment with this woman in my life.” Under the table, he takes my hand.
After Neal sits back down, Brooke, Derrick’s wife, rises to her feet. “I also want to say a few words to Ellie.” She smiles in my direction.
“Oh, dear,” I say, laughing. “Please don’t tell me I’m making a mistake.”
She throws back her head, her copper curls dancing at the nape of her neck, and joins in the laughter. “I just want you to enter into this marriage with open eyes. We have a tradition of warning the new LaClaire wives that these brothers here love each other more than they will ever love us. I hope you’re ready to be second best.”
