by R J Nolan
Giving Jess's shoulder a comforting squeeze, Sam said, "Let's not go there again." Relief loosened the tightness of her chest when a smile ghosted across Jess's face. "You know you can tell me anything."
"I know." Jess sighed. She straightened up, and Sam removed her arm. "I got hot dancing with the blonde. We went into one of the bathrooms." Jess rubbed her face. "Christ, Sam, I had my hand in the woman's pants!" She shot her sister an embarrassed look.
"And?"
"Just before I touched her, I got this picture of Kim in my mind. It was so clear it was like she was in the room with us. I couldn't go through with it." Jess shook her head roughly. "It felt like I was cheating."
"But, Jess, you're not —"
"You think I don't know that?" Jess fisted the hair at her temples. "I know it's ridiculous. We're just friends."
"But you want to be more," Sam said.
Jess slumped. "You know I can't..." She sighed heavily.
The defeated look in Jess's eyes kept Sam from protesting. There has got to be more to it than the fact that they work together holding Jess back. As she had many times in the past, Sam wondered about Jess's trust issues. "What are you going to do, Jess?"
A single tear trailed down Jess's face. "I wish to God I knew."
CHAPTER 20
"HEY DR. DONOVAN. You're here early," Penny said as Kim walked by the nurses' station.
Kim approached the counter where Penny stood. She set down a cardboard tray with coffee and pastries "Good morning. Did you have a nice holiday?" She glanced around, hoping to spot Jess.
"Yes." Penny beamed. "How about you, did you spend Thanksgiving with anyone special?"
Oh, here we go again. Penny frequently attempted to find out if she was involved with anyone. Well aware of Penny's interest in her, Kim tried to discourage it. Normally, she would have ignored the question since all of her free time these days was spent with Jess. And there was no way in hell she would ever tell anyone that. But in this case, she didn't think it would hurt to give out a little information about her private life. "I spent my day serving meals at a homeless shelter."
"Oh." Penny looked a bit stymied, then she smiled brightly. "Well, of course, I would do something like that in a minute if I could. But with my family over for the holiday and all, my mom needed me."
Right. Sure you would. Kim had been surprised when she learned that Penny was only a few years her junior. She acted much younger. Penny wasn't shy about discussing her personal life. In conversations around the nurses' station, Kim had discovered that Penny still lived with her parents. More remarkably to Kim, Penny didn't seem the least bit embarrassed that her mother still did her laundry, cleaned her room, and cooked her meals. Kim was willing to bet Penny had not lifted a finger to help out at Thanksgiving.
Kim picked up her tray off the counter. "Well, page me if you need me." With that she turned and headed toward Jess's office.
Finding Jess's door locked, Kim let herself in with the key Jess had given her. She glanced around the office that had over the last few weeks come to feel like her office as much as Jess's. She set the tray down on the desk. A sigh escaped. There was no sign that Jess had arrived yet.
Okay. I'm anxious to see my friend. So what? There's nothing wrong with that. She blew out a breath. Be honest with yourself, Kim, if no one else. One thing their time apart had made crystal clear to Kim was that she could no longer delude herself as to the depth of her feelings for Jess. She had missed Jess with an intensity that had shocked her. It was as if a vital part of herself had been missing.
Kim was startled out of her thoughts by the opening of the office door. Her heart soared at the sight of Jess.
Jess stepped into the room. A bright smile blossomed when she spotted Kim. "Hi." The door swung shut behind her.
All the loneliness and longing Kim had struggled with for the past four days overwhelmed her. Kim crossed the room, and before she realized what she was doing, she enveloped Jess in a hug. "Welcome back." Reality struck like lightening when she came into contact with Jess's stiff body. You idiot! "Sorry," Kim stammered and pulled back.
Jess's arms wrapped around her, stopping Kim's retreat.
Kim's heart rate shot into overdrive when Jess pulled her close and returned the hug. The warmth of Jess's body drew her in. When Jess didn't immediately let go, Kim had to fight the urge to bury her face in Jess's neck. A tantalizing scent she couldn't put a name to teased her senses. Her arms instinctively tightened around Jess's back. A single powerful thought filled her mind. Home.
The hug lingered for much longer than a quick greeting between friends.
"Good to see you too," Jess said, near her ear before finally releasing her. Her voice was a husky whisper that sent shivers down Kim's spine.
Thoroughly flustered by the embrace, Kim stepped back. Although Jess had more than returned the hug, which in itself was unexpected, Kim was still nervous about her reaction. She met Jess's gaze hesitantly.
Jess's eyes were silvery-blue pools of emotion.
Unspoken longing hung between them like a palpable presence.
Kim's world tilted, then righted itself as a new understanding dawned. She does want me. Drawn like a humming bird to a tempting flower, Kim reached out to stroke Jess's flushed cheek. Her fingers trembled.
The rap of knuckles on the office door shattered the moment.
Jess hastily pulled back before Kim's fingers made contact.
Oh God. Kim mentally shook herself. She had been seconds from kissing Jess.
A second louder knock sounded. "Dr. McKenna?" Penny called.
Kim quickly moved away from Jess.
Jess spun around and jerked open the door. "Yes?"
"Here are the files you wanted," Penny said. She peered past Jess as she handed over the files. Her gaze darted back and forth between Jess and Kim. A frown marred her face.
"Was there something else?" Jess asked.
Penny shook her head.
"Thanks for the files," Jess said and then promptly shut the door in Penny's face.
Damn. Jess was shaking. With a white-knuckled grip on the doorknob, she struggled to regain her composure. She knew she should be grateful to Penny for the interruption. But if she was honest with herself — she wasn't. Kim's impromptu hug had shocked her at first, but the feeling had immediately turned to guilty pleasure at the feel of Kim pressed against her. The intoxicating scent of Kim's perfume had made her head swim. Or at least that was what she was telling herself to excuse letting the embrace go on for as long as she had. You are so pathetic.
The expression on Kim's face afterward had been as thrilling as the embrace itself. Her beautiful face had been painted with arousal. You know how fast that would change if you ever acted on those feelings. Jess sighed, all too aware of just how true that was. For a moment, Jess had been sure Kim was going to kiss her. She still wasn't sure she would have had the willpower to refuse, no matter how bad an idea. She mentally shook herself and turned to face Kim.
Kim had moved away. She was standing by the desk.
Jess joined her. A rosy flush still colored Kim's cheeks. Jess wanted to pull her back into her arms and never let go. Unwilling to openly acknowledge the emotions that still tinged the air so strongly between them, Jess struggled for something to say. Her gaze landed on the coffee sitting on her desk. She propped her hip on the desk, then picked up one of the Del Java coffee cups. "For me?" Jess asked with a pleased smile.
An answering smile flitted across Kim's face. "Of course."
Jess picked up the bag and held it up to her forehead. "I, Swami, predict that this contains a chocolate croissant and a maple scone."
Laughing, Kim pulled the bag out of her hand. "You know me too well."
Not even close to how well I'd like to know you. If only things could be different. Jess forced a smile. "Thanks for the coffee."
"You're welcome. So how was your Thanksgiving?" Kim asked.
"Not bad. I enjoyed seeing my family,
but it's good to be home." Jess was almost afraid to ask, but she had to know. "How was your holiday?"
"Busier than I planned. Do you remember the teenage boy you saw a few weeks ago who presented as a suspected overdose?"
"Vaguely." Jess saw so many patients that after a while they all tended to blur together. Her brow furrowed. What's that got to do with Thanksgiving?
"Well, my name was on his hospital paperwork as the consulting psychiatrist. It was really an amazing coincidence. Turns out, the director of the group foster home for teens where he lives is an old friend from college. She called me the day before Thanksgiving."
I knew I shouldn't have left. An emotion so foreign she almost didn't recognize it claimed Jess. "Oh, were you good friends?" She tried hard to keep her tone neutral.
Kim's gaze darted away. She picked up her coffee and took a swallow.
Jealousy clawed at Jess. She's an ex.
Setting her cup down, Kim said, "I haven't seen Sid since I left Michigan to go to medical school." She shook her head. "She's really changed. Anyway, she called to catch up and I ended up spending Thanksgiving with her."
Dread replaced jealousy, knotting Jess's stomach. Does Kim want to get back together with her? The very thought was enough to make Jess sick to her stomach. You knew this would eventually happen. Someone as wonderful as Kim doesn't stay single forever. It didn't make the reality of it any easier to take.
Tilting her head, Kim regarded Jess curiously. "What's wrong?"
Realizing her expression had betrayed her, Jess fought to hide her rising emotions. She shook her head. "Nothing. Sorry. You were saying?"
Kim's eyebrow arched, and she held Jess's gaze for a moment. She seemed about to question Jess further, then changed her mind. She brushed her hair over her shoulder before moving back to lean against Jess's desk. "Sid's group volunteers every year at a local homeless shelter on Thanksgiving. When Sid asked if I'd be willing to help out supervising the teens and serving meals, I couldn't say no. Afterward, we went back to the group home and I met Sid's partner, Alan." Kim laughed. "Shocked me when I met him. In college, Sid swore men were the root of all evil in the world."
Relief almost buckled Jess's knees. She grabbed the side of the desk. For the first time since this conversation started Jess didn't have to force a smile. "I'm glad you didn't spend the day alone. I felt bad that I had already committed to going to my parents before I knew you weren't going home."
Kim briefly squeezed Jess's arm. "I'm sorry I missed your call on Thanksgiving. Next time you don't reach me at home, call my cell. I always want to hear from you."
Jess met Kim's emotion-filled eyes and saw her own feelings reflected back at her. Jess tensed, expecting the familiar fear to strike that such an emotionally vulnerable moment always brought. Equal parts relief and surprise flowed through her when it didn't happen. Something had definitely shifted between them.
CHAPTER 21
A SUBTLE AWARENESS nudged the edge of Kim's senses. She looked up from the patient's chart she was reviewing. At the sight of Jess approaching the nurses' station, a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. In the days since they had shared a hug in Jess's office, things had changed between them. Kim had expected Jess to retreat behind her formidable emotional walls. That had not happened.
While neither had made any conscious effort to change the nature of their relationship from friends to lovers, a new anticipation hung in the air between them whenever they were together in private.
The mournful wail of a siren growing rapidly louder caused Jess to veer off and head for the ambulance bay doors.
The pace in the ER had been nothing short of frantic all week. Kim didn't know how Jess and her staff kept up with the unrelenting stream of patients.
Kim moved to the end of the counter closest to the swinging double doors that led to the ambulance bay — close enough to be of help if she was needed while at the same time, out of the way.
The doors swung open with a whoosh.
Jess grabbed the head of the gurney as soon as it cleared the doorway. "What have you got?"
"White male, GSW to the chest."
"Trauma One," Jess said, already moving toward the room — gurney in tow.
The paramedic rattled off the patient's stats.
"Bates, Armstrong, you're with me," Jess called over her shoulder.
Glancing down at her watch, Kim frowned. It was fifteen minutes to shift change. Almost made it. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence for Jess to work overtime, and while Kim respected her work ethic, she couldn't help sighing as she saw their dinner plans going out the window.
The second paramedic stepped up to the nurses' station.
Terrell strode over to greet him.
"The other team is bringing in the shooter. They were right behind us."
The wail of a siren punctuated his words.
"What're his injuries?" Terrell asked.
"Don't know about the son. We were concentrating on the father."
Kim raked her hands through her hair. A father and son. What is this world coming to? Even with all she had seen so far in her career these violent family conflicts still affected her.
The ambulance bay doors swooshed open.
Her attention was once again drawn to the incoming patient.
A paramedic pushed a gurney through the doors.
The patient struggled weakly against restraining straps across his chest and thighs. "I didn't want to. Please... I didn't mean it."
"Settle down now. Let the docs help you," the paramedic said.
"He made me. I swear." The patient whimpered.
Where have I heard that voice before? Frowning, Kim took a step forward as Terrell and the paramedic pushed the gurney past her.
"Do you need a hand?" Kim asked. She glanced down at the patient.
A young man with a bloody, battered face looked back at her through eyes swollen to thin slits. "Mom?" He strained toward her. "Oh, Mom."
Kim quickly moved to the side of the gurney. "Take it easy." Her nose wrinkled at the pungent smell of urine that wafted up from the patient's bloody, torn clothing.
His mangled features defied recognition for a moment, then it hit.
Oh my God. "Brian." He had been part of one of her therapy groups.
"Please. Help me." Brian clutched the front of Kim's shirt.
"Hey!" Terrell's hand shot out and grabbed Brian's wrist.
Keeping her eyes on Brian, Kim said, "It's okay. Let him go, Terrell." When he didn't immediately comply, she glanced up at Terrell.
Terrell met her eyes, and Kim nodded. He slowly and somewhat reluctantly released Brian's wrist.
"You need to let go, Brian." Kim kept her voice calm and as soothing as she could make it.
"I didn't mean it!"
Brian's hand tightened on her shirt.
Kim grabbed his forearm. Don't panic. He's hurt and scared. The muscles turned to granite under her fingers.
With a low undulating moan, Brian's body arched against the gurney's restraining straps.
"Brian!" God. What's happening?
As if pulled by a marionette's strings, his body began to jerk.
"Damn it. He's seizing," Terrell said. "Get him into Trauma Two."
Kim struggled to pry her shirt out of Brian's hand as the paramedic grasped the stretcher and started to pull.
She gripped the side of the gurney with one hand to keep from falling as she was dragged along.
Two arms wrapped around Kim from behind.
One hand grabbed Brian's wrist; the other grasped Kim's shirt.
The fabric was wrenched from his grip.
Kim let go of the gurney as she was jerked back against an instantly familiar body. Jess.
Unthinking, Kim turned within the circle of Jess's arms.
Scared silvery-blue eyes met hers.
"You okay?" Jess asked.
Not sure if she really was okay, but aware enough to know Jess needed to do her job, Kim nodded.
From the look on Jess's face, she wasn't going anywhere until she made sure Kim was all right.
"I'm good," Kim finally managed. "Go."
Jess hesitated for just a second, then turned and sprinted down the hall in hot pursuit of the gurney carrying Brian.
A hand landing on her shoulder made Kim jump. She turned to find Penny standing behind her.
"Are you all righ —" Penny's gaze dropped to Kim's chest and she gulped heavily.
Glancing down, Kim spied the lurid red stain that saturated her blouse directly over her heart. Now aware of the blood, the cold, clammy feel of it against her skin made her stomach roil.
Kim bolted for the nearest restroom.
The door to Jess's office flew open with enough force to slam it against the wall.
Kim jumped, fumbling to keep from dropping the journal she had been trying to read.
Jess blew into the room.
She paused long enough to kick the door shut, then stormed over to her desk.
"Damn it." Jess struggled to free herself from her lab coat. Her anger made her movements jerky and uncoordinated. Once free of the coat, she balled it up and threw it on her desk. "What a fucking waste."
Whoa. Kim had never seen Jess so openly emotional. A sinking feeling filled the pit of her stomach. She doesn't realize I'm here. She couldn't help but dread Jess's reaction to being observed unaware. Kim knew how important Jess's need to feel in control emotionally was to her.
"Hey, Jess."
Jess spun around. Her glare pinned Kim in place on the couch. "What are you still doing here?"
Flinching at Jess's harsh tone, she quickly stood. "I waited to see how Brian was doing." That was the truth — just not the whole truth. Seeing a patient, even one she had only seen a few times in group, bloody and broken like that had shaken her up. However, a large part of Kim wanted — no, needed to be with Jess. Just being in the same room with Jess gave her a sense of comfort and safety she had never experienced with anyone else. Well, you ruined any possibility of that happening now. Knowing how Jess must feel about her having witnessed her loss of control, Kim had no doubt that her presence was not welcome at the moment. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
