by Zina Abbott
Diantha’s gaze met Hank’s once she sensed him studying her. She felt a frisson of anticipation as she watched him.
“I know it is your property and none of my business, but I still am a little confused about the situation in the laundry yard. It seems that livery barn must be getting too cold by now for Buck to sleep in. I haven’t asked Buck yet, and I guess I could wait until tomorrow. Is he planning to live there, too?”
“I believe so. He said something about them putting Mrs. Dowd’s cookstove in the larger of the two bedrooms and renting the use of the laundry shed with the stove used for heating water as a sitting room when it is not being used for laundry. I believe Buck plans to sleep in there.”
“Why doesn’t he marry Hilaina? I know he’s wildly in love with her. That way, they would only need two bedrooms.”
“I’ve thought the same thing. I believe Buck is worried he can’t line up enough business to take on a wife and family. With winter coming, there will be months the roads will be too deep with snow for his animals to pull the wagon, even with sled runners instead of wheels. He’s not sure of how many paying jobs he can pick up. I don’t think he would settle for being supported by Hilaina’s laundry job.”
“Maybe he should take the chance that he’ll find the work he needs.”
“I agree.” Involuntarily, a smile blossomed on her face at the thought of how perfect Buck and Hilaina were for each other. Then Diantha caught sight of Hank’s expression. The tightness around his eyes seemed more intense than at any time she recalled seeing before he left Wildcat Ridge. As his gaze bored into hers, her smile faded. “I know something troubles you, Mr. Cauley. What it is?”
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Chapter 22
~o0o~
H is heart pounding and his breathing labored as if he had been running up a hill, Hank, painfully aware of the almost overwhelming desire he felt for Diantha, remained speechless.
Hank chided himself for expressing his opinion that, in spite of his uncertainty over the work situation, Buck should take the chance and marry Hilaina. He felt confident with the word out to both the residents still living in Wildcat Ridge and those on the outlying ranches about Buck’s wagon being available for transporting freight and his handyman skills, he would find sufficient work, even in winter. Add to that Hilaina’s income as the Ridge Hotel laundress, and the couple could get by. From what he recalled hearing, as long as Elmira raised a garden and preserved what she grew, plus kept a few animals for meat and eggs, she also did her part to provide.
Hank turned away from Diantha’s probing gaze as he wondered how he dared to offer such an opinion on another man’s situation when he rejected taking the same advice himself. He knew he wished to marry eventually. He also knew he considered that possibility belonged far into his future. His own financial situation remained precarious, at best. He could barely manage on the postmaster salary he received. His store had earned a few sales, but, like they always had, the locals preferred to buy what little stationary supplies they needed from the mercantile. His great hope rested with a publisher accepting his manuscript for publication and paying him royalties on the sales. As things stood now, Hank knew he felt enough of a lack of confidence about his future to restrain him from pursuing the woman he had come to love.
He closed his eyes as a shudder coursed through him. There also was the other matter that was part of his father’s demand—the expectation with which he refused to comply, no matter how much he loved his difficult, headstrong father.
Diantha asked what concerned him. She needed to know; in all fairness she must be able to accept the type of man he was if he ever hoped to eventually encourage anything personal between them.
His expression full of pleading, Hank turned to Diantha. “I wish to tell you what transpired while I was in Salt Lake City, but first, I need you to assure me you will keep my confidence. Your opinion of me might be adversely affected, but I prefer it not poison the opinions of others in town regarding me. I assure you, what I have to tell you will in no way interfere with my ability or suitability to perform my postal duties.”
Hank felt Diantha study his face. He held his breath while he waited for her answer.
“Why, I consider it an honor to be asked to keep your confidence, Mr. Cauley. I cannot believe anything you wish to share could alter my good opinion of you.”
“Once you hear what I have to tell you, it might change your mind.” Unable to contain his nervous energy, Hank jumped to his feet and began to pace. With his back to Diantha, he heaved a breath. “You know my father has demanded I return and take over management of his brickyard.”
“I believe I heard comments of that nature, yes. Do you plan to settle your affairs here and return?”
Hank shook his head. “No. I told my father I did not care for that sort of work and refused to be bullied into returning to the brickyard. Needless to say, that angered him.” He turned back to see Diantha’s reaction. She dipped her head and studied her fingers in her lap.
“It sounds like you have run up against the type of situation most women find we must accept. We are to take care of our homes and families in a manner expected of us, whether we find joy in doing so or not. I know Eugene, like most men, had definite ideas of what activities were acceptable for me to pursue and when I should not concern myself regarding matters he felt were not suitable for a lady.”
Hank felt his heart sink to the floor. “Then you believe I should have bowed to my father’s will and do as he demanded?”
Diantha raised her head until her gaze connected with his. “Not necessarily. I know I followed the course my parents, and later my husband, set for me. I was raised to it, and I cannot say I was unhappy. Except for the disappointment over not being able to bear children, I felt…content. However, I must admit once I worked past the difficulties of Eugene’s death, I discovered a new world opened up for me when I took over the hotel management and handling the mail. Even though both of them are considered suitable occupations only for men, I found enjoyment and a sense of accomplishment in them. Operating this hotel is not much different than running a plantation home, which is what I was educated to do. It suits me. However, I never would have been allowed the opportunity while Eugene still lived.”
Hank studied her as he chose his words carefully. “I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me. On one hand, it sounds like you believe we must do what is expected of us by our families, whether it is our choice in life or not. Yet, once you had the opportunity to do something different—something you enjoy that is better suited to you—you found more enjoyment in life.”
“I would say that is the case with me.”
“So, if you had the choice between duty and your free will to pursue the work that brings you joy, what would you do?”
Hank watched Diantha gaze off to the side, wearing a wistful smile. “Before, I chose duty and what I believed at the time was best for my family. Of course, neither my father nor my husband gave me much other choice. But I no longer have anyone I must answer to other than God. I do not believe I offend God by using the gifts and talents he gave me to provide for myself and serve others, as I do now. That is my answer for you, Mr. Cauley. I hope it does not sound too selfish, for I do feel we have a responsibility to family. You, of course, must find your own path.”
Hank turned away and scratched his head in a way he guessed left tufts of hair sticking out at unbecoming angles. “I have been around you enough, Mrs. Ames, I do not consider you to be a selfish person.” He rubbed his hand across his mouth and took a deep breath. “There is another aspect to my father’s demands. He insists I marry my sister-in-law.”
“Oh. I take it you prefer not to?”
“No. The situation is, years ago, the business suffered reverses due to a recession. A marriage between my brother and Della was arranged. The money to bolster the brickyard came from Della’s father. Only, it did not come as a dowry. It
came as a silent partnership between my father and hers. My sister-in-law’s father already gets a share of the brickyard profits. My father is afraid that, unless I marry Della to hold her to the family, her father will dissolve the partnership and demand his share of the assets. It would be a financial blow to the company.”
“I do declare. That does sound like a dilemma—one similar to what Eugene and I faced as our fathers arranged our lives. Eugene and I bowed to family wishes and married. At least we were compatible.”
Hank watched in horror as Diantha’s chin quivered and tears filled her eyes.
“Perhaps, if…if you feel you could eventually develop feelings for this woman, and…and enjoy a…a fulfilling marriage with her, for the sake of the family, you might consider…”
Perplexed, Hank wrinkled his forehead. What prompted her sorrow? Did she grieve for her lost husband? Did the memory over what had led to her marriage with her cousin, especially considering how the matter turned out, sadden her? Did she feel sorry he was being pressured into a marriage not of his choosing? Or, was it something more?
“No! I will not consider it.”
Hank watched as Diantha closed her eyes and turned her head away. He shook his head but softened the tone of his voice. “No. I could never develop feelings for Della. We would never have a marriage that was even tolerable, let alone compatible. The only feelings I could develop for my sister-in-law are the ones I have now—dislike, distrust, and disgust. The woman is a harridan. I do not believe she ever was unfaithful to my brother, but otherwise, take away Mortimer Crane’s glasses and cigar and put a dress on him, and you have a good idea of the kind of person dear old Della is.”
“Oh, my. I do hope you are exaggerating.”
“I’m not. She’s mean-spirited and a terror. Even if it means I am disinherited, I simply cannot face spending my life tied to that woman.”
Hank studied Diantha in an effort to gauge her reaction to his outburst. He knew his feelings regarding her. What he did not know was if she held any feelings for him, beyond him being a tenant and perhaps a business associate. Before he left, even though she had granted everyone he knew except him permission to address her by her given name, he had felt confident they had become friends. Dare he hope her heart had softened towards him and she held some tender feelings for him—that her suggestion that he consider marriage to another woman was what prompted her sorrowful response?
Hank sank back into his chair and reached for Diantha’s hand. He felt gratified she did not pull it back as he loosely held her fingers in his. “I apologize, Mrs. Ames. I did not wish to dredge up sad memories. I should not have burdened you with my own concerns.”
With her free hand, Diantha wiped away her tears. She smiled as she met his gaze.
“Do not apologize, Mr. Cauley. It is I who am embarrassed by my outburst. You face a difficult decision, and I am grateful you trust me enough to share your concerns with me.” She tipped her head as she studied him. “What do you plan to tell your father?”
Hank shook his head. “I don’t plan to tell him anything right away. There is a woman I have developed feelings for and whom I would like to court. However, financially, I am not in a position to do so.” Hank felt he lost a part of himself when Diantha slid her fingers out of his grasp and folded them in her lap.
Unable to sit any longer, he rose to his feet and resumed pacing. He walked over to the closed and locked mail cabinet and trailed his fingers across the smooth wood of the sorting ledge. “As much as I wish marriage, I will not do so unless I can prove to myself, if no one else, I can succeed. I must know I can provide for a wife. Unlike my brother, I am not willing to live on my wife’s money.”
“I see.”
“I do not believe you do, Mrs. Ames. Another of my father’s threats was if I do not bow to his wishes, he will have his attorney contact the congressman for Utah territory to persuade him I am an irresponsible failure and not suitable for the postmaster position here. He has given me until the end of the year to give up everything in Wildcat Ridge, return to marry Della, and take over managing his business. If I do not conform to his demands, not only will he cut me off from the family, he will use every bit of influence he still possesses to destroy me.”
“If it should come to that, Mr. Cauley, I would discuss this matter with Owen Vaile. In addition to being an attorney, he is a state judge. Perhaps, if he were to write a letter to the congressional representative attesting to your competency in performing your postmaster duties, it might carry more weight than a declaration by your father.”
Hank nodded as he thought about it. “I may need to look into it. I should visit him and ask his legal advice.” He heard the rustle of fabric as Diantha rose from her chair. He inhaled and arched his back as he listened to her walk across the floor towards him. He did not turn his head to face her until she gently placed her hand on his arm.
“Mr. Cauley, what do you wish to do? Not what others wish you to do, or what you think you should do, but what do you really want from life?”
Feeling his heart trapped in his throat, Hank held Diantha’s gaze for several seconds. The oil lamp he had lit earlier and set on top of the mail cabinet illuminated her face and reflected off the pupils of her eyes in a manner that mesmerized him. He took a deep breath and, desperate for any connection with her, no matter how tenuous, he once again reached for her hand. “What do I want to do? I want to stay here, fill the position of postmaster, and write my novels while I carry on the pretext of operating a stationary and book store. Most of all, I want to marry the woman I love, not someone completely unsuitable and unwelcome just because my family has decided I should conform to their wishes. You, Mrs. Ames. I love you, and I eventually want to marry you. It pains me deeply that at this time I am not in a position to do so now.”
Her lips parted, Diantha leaned back and studied him. Hank hoped it was not a sign he had frightened or upset her with his clumsy declaration. “I’m sorry. I know I should have said that better. I should have written it out, and maybe, after about twenty revisions, my words would have expressed what is truly in my heart. I know you enjoy managing your hotel, and in spite of the Utah land and property laws regarding married women, I would never wish to take it from you. I will help you any way I can, of course, just as you helped me ready my manuscript.” He paused as he studied the face wearing an expression of amazement. “I don’t know how you feel about me, Mrs. Ames. I realize my words might be unwelcome. If so, I apologize.” When she dropped her gaze, Hank almost feared to hear her response.
“Your declaration is not unwelcome, Mr. Cauley. I also have feelings for you.”
Grasping tighter the hand he already held, Hank slid his free arm behind her back and pulled Diantha closer. Confusion written on his face, he shook his head. “Then, why have you tried to keep me at a distance? You have invited everyone else to address you by your given name, except me. It has been only with me you have insisted on more formality—me and Mr. Crane. Is it because you also worry I will fail here?”
Diantha shook her head. “No. I admit I deliberately tried to keep some distance in our relationship. At first, I did not know what to make of a man who rode into town without warning and turned my life upside down the way you did. Then, I realized I felt drawn to you. I was afraid to develop feelings for you, only to be disappointed in the end. Later, I felt if you decided to marry, you would be better off with someone else. I told you my late husband’s thoughts on why he and I were never able to have children. However, it might be the problem truly is with me. I might be unable to give any man a family. I did not want to hope for something between us when I’m sure any man who wishes a family will prefer to seek a wife with a better chance of bearing him children.”
Momentarily stunned into silence, Hank continued to stare at Diantha. When she turned away, he reached his hand to her head and pulled her towards him until the side of her forehead rested against his jaw and cheek. “Mrs. Ames, for me, that is not the m
ost important consideration in choosing a wife. To me, what matters is the love I feel for you. You have no idea of my appreciation for the kindnesses you have shown me. I cannot adequately express to you the joy I felt as we worked together when you helped me better my writing skills and polish my book manuscript. I cannot bear to lose that. If nothing else, being separated from you during this trip to Salt Lake City convinced me of that.”
Hank rolled his head until his lips rested near Diantha’s ear. “I would enjoy having children, but I only wish to have them with you. If your concerns turn out to be correct, and we cannot have children, then it will be our loss, not just yours. We both will sorrow together, and together, we both will find other means of bringing meaning and happiness into our lives. I will never be unfaithful to you in order to have a child by another woman.”
Hank leaned back until he once again witnessed the glow of the lamp reflecting off the pupils of the eyes belonging to the woman he loved. “What I wish for now is permission to court you. As much as it would end the pressure from my family regarding their desires for me to marry Della, I will not try to talk you into a hasty wedding. However, I wish it to be permissible for me to more openly express my regard for you. I wish permission to address you by your given name. I wish you to feel close enough to me, and confident enough in me that you will call me Hank. I desire your patience and understanding as I work through my challenges with my family. Although I may never be rich, I need to prove to myself, if no one else, I can succeed at the type of work for which I feel I am most suited.” He paused. “Please, will you allow me to court you?”
Hank’s body tensed up in anticipation of her answer. His neck muscles squeezed his windpipe as he watched her bite her lip and look off to the side while she considered his request.
“Yes, Mr. Cauley—Hank—you may court me and address me as Diantha.”
