The day after that I went to the liquor store and bought a box of a dozen bottles of Fireball. I went home and drank myself stupid. I don’t know how long I was there, all I remembered was Arnold somehow putting me under the outdoor shower, as I was passed out near the pool. I know he thought that I’d tried to drown myself again. In all honesty, I probably did, but I don’t remember anything. He said I was wet and cold, and my lips were turning blue. It has been three days since Arnold was last here.
Once I sobered up, he made me phone the therapist and arrange to see her, which I did yesterday. I did it for Arnold. I could see the toll this was taking on him. He not only had to help Sonia with two newborn babies, but he had to keep an eye on me.
He drove me to the therapist’s office and waited for me. She was a nice lady. Probably about Sonia’s age, very smart, her name was Deborah. She wanted to know about me, and my feelings. Was I angry, hurt, did I feel betrayed, because Evelyn had left me? She told me I was going through the Kübler-Ross model. I looked at her like she had two heads and she smiled. She explained it was the correct term for the five stages of grief:
Denial - definitely having this still.
Anger - definitely having this still.
Bargaining - no idea what that is.
Depression – probably.
Acceptance - nowhere near ready for this.
I said there was also a number six: guilt. I told her it was my fault for getting Evelyn pregnant. She tried to make me look at it from a different perspective, but I couldn’t. Not yet. We seemed to talk for a long time, and when I left, after arranging to see her on Saturday after the funeral, I admitted to Arnold that I did actually feel a bit better having talked about how I was feeling. That is until I got home and broke down because I remembered it was the funeral the next day. Arnold, who I could tell was having a hard time himself, sat with me on the couch, hugging me.
I’m barely functioning at this point. I’m sick to death of people coming up to me and saying how sorry they are for my loss. I swear I’m going to punch someone soon.
Arnold and Sonia have been moving me around, sandwiched between them. They’ve both been crying and finding this extremely hard. Me, I can’t feel anything. I need a drink. I know that much. I didn’t hear what was said at the service. Arnold got up to speak and broke down. I didn’t move. Now, I’m standing around the graveside while someone is waffling on and on, and I’m just staring blankly at the casket in front of me.
My Evelyn is in that box. Oh my god, she’s in there, in front of me, it’s just hit me! I need to get her out.
“NO!” I suddenly shout and throw myself on the ground next to the casket. “I need to open it. Get her out. She won’t be able to breathe. QUICK, GET HER OUT OF THE FUCKING THING!” I scream, clawing at the brass screws on the top of the box. I need a tool to open it.
“Quick, get her out. She can’t breathe. Help me, someone. Help me get her out.” I’m crying hard. I don’t know if they understand me. Sonia is wailing, and I turn to the noise. Arnold is frozen, holding her, both looking at me like I’ve gone mad.
“Why are you just standing there? It’s your fucking daughter —my wife, help me get her out. HELP ME” I scream again. I feel someone trying to get me up off the grass, and I look up at Patrick.
”Come on, Theon. Let’s get you up. There’s nothing you can do for Evelyn now. Look at me. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. This is your time to say goodbye to her. Theon, look at me. Do you hear me?” I nod slightly looking back at the casket.
“She’s gone. It’s time for her to rest in peace. It’s why we are all here to say goodbye to her. Do you understand? Time to let go and say goodbye to Evelyn. Goodbye but never forgotten.” I break as his words sink in. He holds me up stopping me from falling. I’m clinging to him, a broken man. I don’t know if I ever will accept she’s gone. My Evelyn.
“Why can’t it be me in there? Why can’t I be in there with her? Fuck, she’s gone for good, hasn’t she? She’s never coming back. All this time I hoped it was a nightmare, but it’s not is it?” I look at Patrick, at Sonia and Arnold, and Aggie and lots of other people from the office, then back to Patrick. “She’s really gone?”
He nods at me with tears streaming down his face. I turn to the casket and drop to my knees. “I love you so much. You’re my whole world, baby. To infinity and beyond, remember, Evelyn. We are our firsts and lasts, baby, our firsts and lasts. You’ve given me so many best days of my life, but you’ve also given me the worst day of my life. I will never have another best day of my life because you’re not in my life to give it to me. I love you, Evelyn. Only ever you, baby. It’s not goodbye. It will never be goodbye. This is until we meet again. Sleep tight, my angel. I love you.” I sit on my haunches with my head bowed. The casket starts being lowered into the ground. I cry so hard that I can barely breathe, and I’m gulping for breath. I can’t see through the tears. I hear movement. Arnold and Sonia are throwing roses onto the casket. Sonia hands me one. I kiss it and throw it down the hole. I can’t see her anymore.
“See you soon, my angel. Infinity and beyond.” I sit there for what seems like ages. Patrick helps me up, and when I look around everyone has gone. They all left me to say my goodbyes.
After the wake, at some hotel near the funeral home that I hate with a passion, Patrick takes me home. I didn’t drink, and I just stayed out of everyone’s way. I didn’t want to hear, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ one more time. Patrick is staying with me tonight. I don’t think anyone trusts me to be alone. Maybe they are right not to.
I head outside and perch on a lounger by the pool. Evelyn used to love it when I was like this in just my trousers, my shirt undone at the top, my tie dangling loose down each side. She used to say I should be on the cover of Vogue or some big shot fashion magazine. I used to laugh at her and tell her she was just biased cause she was married to me.
I lay back on the lounger. I don’t even know what time it is. The sun is still out although it’s getting lower, which suggests it’s evening. I hear Patrick come outside. He puts two cups on the table next to me then sits on the lounger next to the table.
It’s black coffee. Black but very sweet, as I like it. Evelyn used to go mad at the four sugars I used to put in my coffee. Patrick makes it with four as he knows me.
“Thanks, Patrick. Not just for the coffee, but for being there for me.”
“Anytime, Theon. Anytime.” That’s all he says. He grabs his coffee and sits back, mirroring me. We sit in a comfortable silence. The view we have from here is the L.A. skyline. It’s one of the things Evelyn loved about the house. We could sit our here on an evening, cuddle on a lounger with wine, and just watch the sun setting behind L.A. It’s an amazing view. It hurts so much thinking that we will never do stuff like that again. That we will never experience the little things like this that we took for granted. I feel the tears slowly trickle down my cheeks, but I’m smiling. Actually smiling for the first time in what feels like forever. Why, I have no fucking clue. I just buried my wife, and I’m sitting here smiling.
I think it may be relief that the day is over. Not because she’s gone because that will hurt till the day I die, but because I said goodbye today, and I think I finally realize she’s not coming back. That she’s gone forever.
“You okay?” Patrick asks.
“I think so, Patrick. I think so.” I wipe my cheeks with my hands, grab my coffee, and sip it slowly.
It’s almost a week since I said bye to Evelyn, and I haven’t had a drink of alcohol. I decided to get a tattoo. I found this perfect colorful sea turtle tattoo and I went and got that done on my back. It’s my way of having a piece of Evelyn with me permanently. It’s perfect.
I have more meetings with Deborah, my therapist. I have to admit She’s been great, just being able to talk to her about Evelyn has helped me so much. I think I’m finally accepting that I wasn’t to blame for losing Evelyn. We’ve been talking for about thirty minutes when she hit
s me with what I had subconsciously been waiting for.
“Have you thought any more about seeing your babies, Theon?” The question I was dreading, but I know I’ve got to do this. The truth is, I have been thinking about them. I don’t feel hate like I did when it happened, which is an improvement. How could anyone really hate two babies they haven’t even met? That are his own flesh and blood?
“I have actually, yes.”
“What have you been thinking? Do you still hold them responsible?”
I shake my head no. “I stopped blaming them really when I started blaming myself. I knew deep down it wasn’t their fault, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually say it. I just wanted someone to blame. First, it was them, and then it was me. But I hated myself so much for causing them to lose their mother that I just thought they are better off without me.”
“And now?”
I look at her and shrug. “The longer I stay away, the harder it is. Now I’m scared that if I see them, it will send me right back to loathing.”
“Them or yourself?”
“Me, them, both. I don’t know. I do know I don’t want to feel like that again.”
“You said you felt hatred for them. Is that still the case?”
I shake my head no. “No, what kind of man would that make me. How could I hate anything that Evelyn and I created out of love — my own flesh and blood?”
It suddenly hits me, like a lightning bolt. In the babies, I now have blood relations. I wasn’t on my own. Not that I ever was with Evelyn, but I didn’t have any blood relative left after losing my grandma. Now I had flesh and blood that was all mine. I burst into tears with this new revelation. Deborah passes me a tissue.
“What are you feeling, Theon?”
“Love, I think. I just realized they are my own flesh and blood. Until I said it to you, it never hit me before. It’s what Arnold has been saying, but I didn’t hear him. We created them. They are part Evelyn and me. But, I—” I stop.
Can I look after them?
“Go on.”
“I’m scared.”
“That’s a natural reaction. You’re scared of the unknown. What else are you scared of?”
I think about what I was going to say. “Being a dad. Looking after two babies on my own. Can I do it, would they be better off without me?”
“They have already lost their momma, Theon, why would they be better off with no daddy as well? Do you think every parent, every new mom and dad have the same worries? Of course they do. Tell me, Theon, you grew up with no mom or dad, and just your grandma. Didn’t you ever wish you had a mom or dad as well?”
Could I do that to them? Knowing what I went through by not having a mom or a dad. They would be in the same boat as me, being brought up by grandparents. I don’t think I can do that to them. I realize that I’m starting to feel something for our babies. They are a part of Evelyn — the last part of her. Oh god, what am I doing to them.
“Theon, are you okay? What are you thinking?”
“I need to see my babies. I need to go and meet them and tell them I’m their daddy. Tell them I’m sorry for abandoning them when they needed me. That I will look after them and love them unconditionally like a daddy should do.”
I have to see my babies.
Present
I WAKE UP with a start. It’s only 5.30 a.m., so a noise must have woken me, but I’m not sure what it was. I close my eyes and try to sleep, then I hear it. I hear what I’ve been waiting for all this time.
“Daddy, are you there?” I dive out of my cot and over to Evelina’s bedside. I look down, but she looks like she’s asleep. Fuck is my mind playing tricks on me. I stroke her cheek — she looks so peaceful. I have hold of her hand, and she moves it slightly trying to grip my hand and slowly opens her eyes.
“Hey, poppet, my little angel. How are you feeling?” I’m about fit to burst inside, but I don’t want to scare her.
“Can you speak, baby. Nod your head if it hurts.” She nods. She fucking nods. She understands me. She is perfect. I’m so relieved, and I know there are tears falling down my cheeks.
“Daddy,” she croaks. I get the jug of water and pour a beaker for her and put it to her lips. Her mouth must be so dry.
“Small sips, baby girl. Just wet your mouth and lips.” I press the buzzer for the nurses.
“Daddy, why are you crying? Are you hurt, Daddy?”
“No, poppet, just so happy to see you awake, baby. You’ve been asleep for a very long time.”
“Have I? Was that because the surgery was a long one? I don’t think I hurt. Was I really brave?” She starts coughing. I lift her up slightly so I can rub her back.
“Shhh, baby, don’t try to speak too much just yet. You’ve been the bravest big girl in the whole wide world. Daddy is so proud of you. I love you to the moon and back.” I lean down and hug her face to me as I sit next to her on the bed. I can’t believe she’s woken up finally, and she’s fine. No brain damage. She even remembers going for surgery.
Just then a nurse comes in. “Oh my, little one. You decided to join us again, did you? It’s so good to see those beautiful eyes of yours, finally.” Evelina looks up at me with a bit of a frown on her forehead, not really knowing what’s going on. The nurse checks Evelina over and then Dr. Davis comes hurtling through the door. I’ve never had much to do with him. He’s the night doctor, so I’m usually asleep.
“Well, look at you, Miss Evelina. So lovely to meet you.” She looks at me again.
“Hello.”
“Do you mind if I sit with you and just ask you a few questions?” She looks at me for confirmation.
“It’s okay. This is Doctor Davis.” I nod at her.
She sits up and puts her hands on her legs. “Yep sure.”
“Ok, then. Can you tell me your full name?”
“Evelina Rose Tourney.” She looks at me as if to say, ‘Is he silly, Daddy?’ I smile at her. I feel like I’m dreaming.
“Very good. Now, a couple of things. Do you know where you are and do you know how old you are?”
“You’re silly, Doctor. Of course, I know. I’m in the hospital, and I’m ten years old. I have a twin brother who is also ten, Evander, but he is older than me.” Dr. Davis can’t help it, and he laughs loudly. I laugh with him because god, I love her so much.
“How much older is he?”
“Four minutes. Can you believe that? Why didn’t I come out first so I could be the eldest?” She crosses her arms as if in protest and pouts. I lean in and kiss her head. She is adorable.
“Now, a serious question. Do you have any pain anywhere? Like on your body, in your head, anywhere at all?” She thinks about it and by the way she’s sitting up and folding her arms, I’d say no, which is fantastic.
“Just my hand, where this thing is sticking to me and this thing hanging down.” She points to the cannula in her hand and the tube attached which has been keeping her hydrated and fed throughout her coma.
“That’s good, Miss Evelina. Just those and nothing else?” She thinks again and shakes her head no.
“Except my throat feels scratchy, and I’m hungry too.” She never ceases to amaze me. She is so resilient. The doctor notions with his head for me to follow him out of the door. I really don’t want to leave her. I’m terrified I’ll wake up, and it will all be a dream, or I’ll come back in, and she’ll have gone back into a coma. I kiss her head and tell her I won’t be a minute, and the doctor says goodbye and what a pleasure to meet her. She lies back down and watches us walk out of the door.
We stop just outside. “Well, Mr. Tourney, she seems to be just fine. No memory loss and no pain. Given the amount of time in a coma, she has healed just fine. I will make sure Dr. Cassidy knows she’s awake as soon as she comes in. She will be so pleased, and I think she may want to do a couple of tests. That’s one amazing little girl you have there, Mr. Tourney.”
“I know and thank you.” I’m beaming. I’m so happy. I rush back into her room to ma
ke sure she’s still awake.
I send a silent thank you up to Evelyn. I’m convinced she did this. Made our angel sleep all this time so she could heal fully and not feel any of the pain from surgery or the sickness from the chemo. I’d stake my life on it.
She’s asleep when I walk in, but I stroke her cheek and she smiles. She’s never done that in the coma, so I know she’s out of it. I crawl on the bed next to her, needing to be close and holding her. “You have no idea, little one, how happy you have made your daddy. I was so worried about you, poppet. We’ve all been worried. I love you and Evander with everything I am, baby. You have just made this one of the best days of my life,” I whisper. I don’t want to wake her even though she’s been asleep for weeks.
I must have fallen asleep next to her when I feel a hand shake my arm. It’s our usual morning nurse. I wake and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. The dream I had about Evelina waking up. Oh fuck why? Why do that to me? I look at Evelina, expecting her to be in a coma still, as she has been every morning, but she’s lying there with the biggest fucking smile on her face.
“You snore, Daddy. You woke me up a few times with loud grunts.” She snorts like a pig showing me how I sound. I’m in shock. It’s real. She did wake up. I wrap her in my arms and hug her.
“Poppet, I love you so much. I thought I’d dreamt that you woke up. But you did. You’ve made daddy the happiest man alive. Do you know that, baby?” She can’t shake her head because I’m hugging her too hard. I let go.
The Best Day of My Life Page 21
