by TJ Fox
For the first time in days, I’m breathing easier.
Chapter 19
The drive home is so much less tense than the drive to the office, though my anxiety starts to grow again as I get closer to home. After parking the car in front of the garage, I stay seated, hands on the wheel, unable to go inside just yet. I need a moment to pull everything back in. I am overjoyed by the chance to have these kids in my life, but they are suffering, and it is still only a chance. A very real chance, but it could still go wrong. When I have a handle on all those bubbling emotions, I grab the paperwork from Mr. Ferrell and head inside.
Riff and Simone are sitting on either end of the couch in the living room, with B taking up the middle. They are watching a movie. Jules is in the chair facing the window, working on her laptop.
She glances up at me to gauge my mood. I give her a slight nod, and her grin barely shows before disappearing as she looks back down at whatever she was doing. She understands how monumental this is for me, but she is just as conscious of the kids and their fragile emotions.
“Hey, guys! Everything go okay?”
I get nods from Riff and Simone.
“I’m going to drop this off upstairs. B, you want to come with me, so I can take a peek to see how everything looks?”
He slides off the couch and comes over. “Yeah, I’ve seen this one already.”
I take his hand to make the stairs a bit easier on him. When we get up to my office, I drop my files on my desk then have B sit up on the bench under the window where the bright light makes it easier to see.
“How is it feeling?” I lightly push around the sites a bit to see if they feel puffy or warm, but everything looks good.
He doesn’t seem to mind the pressure. “It’s okay. Hurts a little but not as bad as yesterday.”
I pull his shirt back down. “Good. Think you might feel up to going out shopping for a little bit, or do you want to stay here with Jules? I need to get a few things you guys still need.”
He thinks about it for a bit. “Can Jorie come over?”
“Hmm… how about we go ask Jules?” We go back downstairs and join the others.
“Jules, B wants to know if Jorie can come over while Riff, Simone and I head out to run some errands.”
She looks up from her computer. “I talked to Russ just before you got home, and it sounds like that won’t be a problem. I’ll give him a call and see when they can get here.” Setting her laptop on the coffee table, she gets up and heads to the kitchen to make her call, giving me the space to talk to the kids.
B sits back in his spot on the couch, and I take the chair in front of the window. Riff pauses the movie, and all three look over at me. Riff appears bored, but his stiffness gives away his tension. Simone is biting the corner of her lip and looking between her brothers.
“As you know, I met with Dylan’s lawyer this morning.”
At that moment it feels like something inside me splits in two. How can I find any happiness for myself when I will be taking away so much more of theirs with this news? What kind of person does it make me that I can be over the moon about something that is crushing them? I thought I’d managed to deal with this while I was sitting in the car, but I didn’t fully comprehend how deeply at odds my feelings would be to theirs until this very second. The feeling lands like a rock in my gut.
“He confirmed Dylan’s wishes about the three of you. That he wants me to be your guardian.” When I notice that I’m sliding my palms against each other in a nervous gesture, I stop and place them on my knees, trying not to squeeze.
“I have agreed, but…” This is the right decision. Just do this.
“Are you okay with that? Me, I mean?”
“So this is all real? It’s really happening?” Simone’s words come through closed vocal cords, tightened up from the tears ready to spill down her cheeks. Riff is no longer looking at me but staring at the paused movie instead.
“Not like we get a choice.” The words are sharp, bitten out in almost a bark.
“Yes. You do. That’s what I’m asking. You do have a choice. I’ll admit, it isn’t a very good one, but it is still your choice. Betty can take over and try to get you into a foster family. Or… you can stay with me.”
B has curled into Simone looking lost. I’m not sure he fully understands what we are talking about or what it means for him. She hugs him to her as they lean against Riff.
“Why would we go with Betty? We don’t know her at all or where we would be sent. Would we even get to stay together?”
She is looking to Riff, but he just shakes his head.
“That I don’t know.” I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to make that option sound horrible, that I’m pushing them to choose me, but I still have to be honest about what that choice means. “It is a possibility that she wouldn’t be able to place you together. She would do her best, but… there are no guarantees.”
Nothing is said for a few minutes. I don’t think Simone feels comfortable speaking up anymore this time. She is being the kid she’s supposed to be, looking to those older than her to tell her what to do.
“Why? Why are you asking us, giving us a choice? Dylan told us you can’t have kids. Why aren’t you just taking what you want while you’ve got the chance? I don’t get it.”
The sharp pain of betrayal cuts deeply at Riff’s words. I had no idea that Dylan shared such intimate, personal information with them. That he would ever even consider sharing it. Why? What purpose did that serve? I shove the pain aside to deal with Riff’s bombshell question.
“First, you have all had so many choices taken away from you, I don’t want to take this one away from you as well. No matter how I feel about all of this, I’m more concerned about the three of you, doing what’s right for you. Being able to have a say in this matters. It is important for you to understand that you do have some control.”
I take a deep breath, bracing to lay myself bare to these kids, hoping it doesn’t destroy me. “That said, I have options. They aren’t great. There aren’t many, but I do have choices. You are not my only chance to have kids, and I don’t have to grasp at this situation, but that is exactly what I want to do. To take this chance. To take you, keep you. Not because this is my only chance to have kids, but because I have watched all three of you through this mess. I have seen how amazing every one of you are, how much you love each other and care for each other. Selfishly, I want to be a part of that. But what you want and need is way more important than what I want, no matter how much I want it. And I do. Want it. Want you. But only if you are okay with that.”
Dammit! I didn’t want them to feel pressured. Crying and getting over emotional isn’t going to make them feel confident about my ability to take care of them.
Simone leans in and whispers something to Riff. I think I hear Dylan’s name, but I’m not certain. He nods in response then sits forward with his elbows on his knees.
“Yeah. Okay. We don’t want to risk getting split up. We kinda know you, and you’ve been alright so far. That’s better than taking a chance on some strangers. Besides, it’s what Dylan wanted. Mom trusted him when she died, so…” He looks over at Simone and B before continuing. “I guess we will too, even if I don’t understand what he’s doing. We’re just kids anyway. What do we know about this stuff? Kinda why we need you, you know?”
Jules comes back in with a box of tissues, hands one to me and then Simone, then puts the box on the coffee table before going back to her chair to sit. “Before you say yes, keep in mind that Teri comes with the whole Dayton clan, so you will be getting a whole, crazy family to go along with her. Fair warning.”
It is the perfect comment to lighten the mood a couple of notches. It even manages to elicit a tiny grin from Simone.
“So, are we okay then? Once this is done, it’s done. No give backs.”
Again
, Riff looks to Simone and B before nodding.
The ground shifting under my feet seems to solidify. I no longer feel like I’m going to fall with every step or have it yanked from underneath me. Knowing that these three hurting, confused and messed up kids can’t be taken from me changes everything. It is the one thing that has held me back from fully embracing them, from being able to think beyond “for now”. I was terrified that I would take them as mine, love them as mine, to finally have the one thing I never thought possible, only to have them torn away again. There would be no surviving that. I feel a brief burst of joy before shoving it back out of sight. Joy isn’t an emotion that belongs in this moment and demeans their turmoil. I can’t, I won’t, show joy in their suffering. Because I don’t. The joy I feel is only about what comes next. About the hope I have for their future. Our future.
“Okay. Knowing where everything stands now, I think we should do what we need to get you more fully settled here. I was thinking we could head out and get anything else you need. Riff’s room is the most critical since I don’t have furniture for it, and he can’t sleep on that blow-up bed for long. The other two rooms are fine for now, but we can decorate those however you want after we get into some kind of routine. We should take care of necessities first though.”
I can tell Riff and Simone are conflicted. These things will solidify the permanence we just discussed. It is a permanence they are agreeing with, but still don’t want to fully accept. It is going to take time for that acceptance, and it won’t be easy. Still, these are things that need to be done.
“I’d like to set up a space somewhere for a shared computer for all of you to use. Riff, I also thought about getting you a laptop. I figure you might need a computer more since you’ll be starting high school in the fall, and I didn’t see one in the things you unpacked. You got your phone back, so you’re set there. Is there anything else that you think you might want or need that I haven’t covered?”
Riff looks a little stunned and uncomfortable. “Um… you don’t need to do all that. I’ll be fine. I think the high school hands out tablets to each student, so I’ll have that.” He looks over to where the movie is still paused on the TV. “I would like somewhere to hook up my Xbox, though.”
Looking at my setup, I realize it probably isn’t ideal for his system. That, and if anyone wants to watch TV at the same time he wants to play a game, it might cause some conflict. “What if we skip the laptop and go with a smaller TV in your room instead? If you decide later that you need a computer of your own, we can rethink the laptop option. How’s that sound?”
He brightens. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
For the first time since all of this began, it feels like we are moving in a direction that isn’t filled with potholes and landmines, that we are not constantly watching for the next thing to rip another wound open. It feels a little bit like healing, but I know I can’t push it too fast or too hard. I can nudge it, though.
I take a deep breath, ready to move forward. “So, do we have a verdict on Jorie?”
Jules nods, and she stands to go into the kitchen. “They will be here in about ten minutes. I have lunch stuff out in the kitchen while we wait.”
We grab sandwiches and talk about where to set up the shared computer and what else we want to look for while we’re out. B tosses around ten different ideas out about things he wants to change in his room. I tell him that he can go with me and pick out everything on his own when he is feeling up to it. I was worried about how quiet he had been during our talk, thinking he might not understand it all, but his excitement calms that worry a little.
Once Russ, Jorie and Rusty show up, Riff, Simone and I head out to our first stop. Furniture.
At first, Riff doesn’t want to give an opinion about what he likes, saying he is good with whatever. I suggest we walk through all the bedroom options just to see what they have. Pretty soon, I notice him paying closer attention to simple styles with clean lines and dark colors.
On a whim to try to get him to have a little fun, I start pointing out sets that are geared more for young girls and sets that are the complete opposite of what I’d noticed him drawn to, winking at Simone to get her to play along. It takes us pointing out about five ridiculously frilly sets and telling him how cute they would be in his room, especially if we painted the walls with flowers, before he finally catches on and cracks a grin. We push for a couple more, becoming even more outrageous in our suggestions, before we are all laughing and having a good time.
Done goofing around, I point out the ones I saw him paying closer attention to. He picks out a set with a queen bed, a tall five drawer dresser and a nightstand in a dark walnut stain. He makes it crystal clear that there will be no flowers on his walls.
He takes less time finding a mattress. The lack of teasing cuts down on time. Who knew? Our last stop is at the computers, TVs and stands. I find a TV on clearance that is bigger than I planned, but such a great price, I can’t pass it up, knowing Riff will love playing his games on the larger screen. The stand we get to set it on has space underneath for his Xbox, room for game storage and is the same finish as the rest of his furniture. The computer takes a bit longer because I just don’t know what all they will need on it but settle on a decent mid-range Dell that comes with a monitor.
I arrange for delivery on Monday afternoon with the thought that it might lighten the mood after the potentially heavy session with the therapist that morning. By the time we are done in the furniture store, Riff is happier than I’ve seen him. It’s so good to see him relaxed instead of angry and confused for a change. It is a side of him I haven’t seen before.
Our next stop is Target. I urge them both to pick out bedding and towels for their rooms. Riff gives me a curious look and says, with a slight raise of his eyebrows, “Did you lie to us?”
“What? No… about what?”
“Um… you said you weren’t rich, but you’re spending a ton of money on us.”
I give a little snort of a laugh and shake my head. “Not even close. You’ve seen my house. It isn’t fancy or huge or filled with expensive stuff. Most of the rooms were kinda empty until Jules brought some stuff over. I’m selective on how I spend my money, so I have some savings set aside for unexpected or important expenses.” I pause and shrug. “I think you guys qualify as important.”
Simone ducks her head, her hair falling forward to cover her face. Riff looks away as if unsure how to take my comment. They both drop the conversation and work on picking out the things I suggested.
Simone says she loves what is already in her room and only picks up a couple of towels to match, along with a dark green and a dark purple set for B. Riff picks out a deep rust red set of sheets and a dark brown comforter and towels.
As we pass the aisle with picture frames, I talk Simone into picking out a few, so we can hang some of her drawings. I don’t mention it to her, but I want to hang a couple throughout the house, not just in her room. She finds a framed print of a bear that looks like Dean, so we get that for B as well.
After finding a cubby style storage system to organize the toys in B’s room, we pick up some toiletries for everyone. With an overflowing cart, we check out and load the back of the car. We get everything stuffed in around the TV and computer, the only things I didn’t want to wait on to be delivered.
We’ve been gone for a few hours and are tired and hungry. I run through a drive-through and order enough for us, as well as Jules, Russ, Jorie, Rusty and B. Finally, we head home.
Deciding to eat first, we leave the car to be unloaded later and take the food in. Everyone sets up in the dining room again, just like last night. It’s even more lively tonight with talk about the things that Riff and Simone got while we were out and their plans for their rooms. Riff is in a rush to finish because he plans to get his game set up on the floor until the stand shows up on Monday.
Dinner over, Jules
packs up her kids while Russ and Riff unload the car. Once everything is dropped off in the dining room, she and Russ take their worn-out kids home. B is dragging too, so I suggest he go clean up, still no shower for him yet, while Simone and I put together his cubby unit. It is easy enough for the two of us, and we are finished by the time B is done.
“Here, B.” Simone shows B where we set it up under his window. “You can put your toys in however you want.” The unit is basically stacked cubes, open in the front and has different, bright colored bins that slide into the spaces. A couple of the cubes don’t have bins and are left open, perfect places for things like his books and the toys he wants to display.
I leave them to put his toys away and head to the basement to check on Riff. Also, I need to see if I can find my small writing desk that I think is stuck in a corner in the unfinished section of the basement. I plan to use it to set up the shared computer. I glance over when I hit the bottom of the stairs, and he is just turning on his system, having no problems getting everything hooked up by himself.
I head into the unfinished section of the basement. It takes me a few minutes, but I find what I’m looking for in a corner with a couple of boxes piled on top. Moving them out of the way, I manage to drag the desk across the basement to the door. It isn’t all that heavy, but it isn’t light either.
As I back towards the door, ready to pull it through, Riff comes up behind me. “Need some help?” I straighten and turn, pushing the hair that has fallen from my ponytail out of my eyes.
“Sure. I thought about putting this in the corner of the dining room for the computer. What do you think?”
He grabs one side, and I go around and grab the other, so we can carry it up the stairs. “If it’ll fit, it should work.”
It’s tight going around the corner to the second level of the stairs, but we make it. From there, it is right around the corner to the dining room. We try a couple of places but decide on the corner next to the living room behind the table. The table needs to be slid closer to the middle of the space to make room, but we make it work.
