by Simon Archer
“Right, so it’s like a Cain thing.” I waved off the train of thought. “And you’re still not understanding.” I touched my chest. “I am a god.” I pointed at her. “I want to help you.”
“The only good god is a dead god,” she sneered before throwing a handful of confetti at me and then making a break for the door, whereupon Crabface clotheslined her with one giant crab arm. Then, as she crashed to the floor dazed and confused, he flexed.
“How’s it going, Garrett?” He glanced at the fallen velociraptor. “Sounded like someone was a bit… crabby.” He waggled the ridges where his eyebrows would be if he’d had them. “Eh, eh?”
“Please tell me your thing isn’t going to be making crab puns,” I said as I scooped up the stunned raptor-girl and threw her over my shoulder. “Because, if it is, plan on being desummoned.”
“Sorry. I was just feeling the pinch, you know? Had to come up with something to keep it real.” He shrugged. “Give me another chance, you won’t regret it.”
“Fine.” I eyed him as I gave him one of the slots so he wouldn’t vanish if I changed dimensions. “But don’t think I didn’t hear you say ‘feeling the pinch.’” I gestured at my eyes then at him. “I’m watching you, buddy.”
“I’ll be good, sir.” He nodded.
“Great.” I turned my attention to the lizard girl who was starting to come out of her daze. “Look, if you try any more shenanigans, I’m going to throw you into the sun.” Then, for emphasis, I teleported us toward said star. And yes, I did wrap her in some godly Aura to keep her from dying in the myriad of ways she would die in the vacuum of space. “So, maybe we can chat a bit?”
“Fine.” She took a long, huge breath as she stared at the massive star that was very, very close to us. Then she glared at me. “We can talk.”
“Great. So, do I need to keep you here in front of said star, or can we go back to the Dyson sphere--”
“She’s called Pandora.” She bared her teeth a bit. “Say it with me, ‘Pan-dor-a.’”
“The ship is called Pandora?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh good, you can speak sensibly.” Then she shot me again, and I’ll be honest, I did drop her. But, since we were in space, she just sort of floated there. “Now, I will use the power of the star to do you in!” Only she didn’t do that. Instead, she hit a button on her wrist that caused it to glow an instant before she took off through space back toward the Dyson sphere now known as Pandora.
“Well, this is going to be fun,” I mumbled as I teleported in front of her. “I swear, if you shoot me again…” I nodded past her. “Sun.”
“Your threats mean nothing to me, god,” she spat and crossed her arms again. “Nothing.”
“Right, okay.” I summoned Queenie. “Can you deal with whatever this is?” I gestured at Cera-Vahn-Startritor. “Her name is Cera.”
“It would be my pleasure to deal with her, master--”
“Master?!” Cera exclaimed as she looked from Queenie to me and back again. “Has he enslaved you?” She nodded furiously. “Fear not, ant woman. I will save you from this god’s tyranny!”
“Master hasn’t enslaved me.” Queenie gave the lizard lady a strange look. “He saved me from ultimate destruction.” She smiled brightly. “See, after he killed me, he resurrected me, which really saved me from dying. Now, I get to follow him for eternity.” She clapped her hands together excitedly. “Isn’t that just the greatest thing ever? Like even more so than sweets and candy.” The Ant Queen beamed at me.
“Wait.” Cera looked at Queenie for a good long while before turning her attention back to me. “You mean to say you can kill people and then bring them back as devoted slaves?”
“Oh, we don’t mind being slaves to master.” Queenie grinned. “He’s the best.” Then she held her hands about a foot apart. “And his thing is really big and pleasurable.”
“As sex slaves?” Cera’s eyes widened. Then she swallowed audibly.
“Well, the sex is purely voluntary, but I don’t see why you’d pass it up. Even the other girls quite like it too.” She grinned. “Even the ones who just came to master of their own free will and haven’t yet had the pleasure of joining him in eternity.”
“You heard Melanie and Veronica?” I asked with a quirked eyebrow.
“They are very loud, master. Much like Elephelie and Zemia.” Queenie flushed. “Though I can hardly blame them.”
“Okay, okay. It’s time for some real talk.” Cera looked at me uncertainly. “Is there a way I can avoid becoming your sex slave for all eternity because, up until now, I was trying to provoke you into killing me, but now, I think that might not be the best plan.” She shot me a weak smile. “Maybe we could come to terms that don’t involve me ravaged by an evil space god?”
“Well, for one, you can stop shooting me and help us figure out what’s going on with Pandora. That would go a long way toward making me not throw you into the sun.” I smiled brightly. “My engineer is there right now trying to do just that.”
“Pfft.” Cera snorted. “What’s that cat going to do? Hit it with a stone until it works?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly confused.
“Do you know why everyone is asleep, and I’m the only one awake?” She shook her head. “No, of course, you don’t.” She sighed loudly. “Pandora is nearly impossible to fix because it’s like… well, it’s like trying to build a toaster.” She peered at me. “Do you know what a toaster is? It’s a small device used to cook bread so that it’s warm and crunchy.”
“I know what a toaster is, yes?” I responded, a bit curious to see where this was going.
“Good, so think about all the parts that are in a toaster. Then imagine your toaster broke into a zillion pieces. Only you can’t go to the toaster shop and buy new parts because Zaxcs destroyed the entire fucking planet.” She paused for a beat, and though I had many, many questions about that statement, I decided to let her continue so we wouldn’t get off track. “So, now you have to say, make a new handle for the toaster so you can press it down. Only you don’t have plastic. So you have to create plastic. And a mold to make the handle. Then after you recreated plastic and a mold, you actually have to make the handle.” She let out an exasperated breath. “And I have to do that with nearly every piece of Pandora.” She met my eyes. “And you expect me to think that a catgirl in a bikini can somehow help me when the best piece of tech she has, I made for a grade school science fair and got third place.”
“Third place seems pretty good, all things considered,” I replied with a shrug. “I mean it’s not first or second--”
“It was out of three people, god.” She scowled at me. “It was basically a participation medal.”
“Right…” I nodded. “So, you have two options.” I smirked. “Let us try to help you because I also very much want to kill Zaxcs, or I can drop you off at the Bazaar, no harm, no foul, and we’ll fix Pandora without you.”
“Wait, you’re not one of Zaxcs minions?” she asked as she looked me up and down. “I thought all gods were beholden to him?”
“Nah, I’m gonna stop him.” I smiled. “Or at least try really hard to do that.”
“Hmm… I am a fan of vengeance, and your deal seems like it might give me a chance to have vengeance.” Cera rubbed her chin. “And you won’t kill me and bring me back as a sex slave?”
“No.” I shrugged. “Well, not unless you want me to do that, but I don’t see why you would.”
“Hey, you don’t know me.” She glared at me, and I just laughed.
“Fair enough.” I smiled at her. “So do we have a deal, Cera-Vahn-Startritor?” I held out my hand, and she gave it a dubious look.
“What about my people? They can’t stay in cryosleep forever.” She swallowed. “That’s part of the problem. The cryosleep chamber is taking so much power that I can’t run many of the automated mechanisms that would help fix Pandora.”
“Pick a planet.” I gestured at the system.
“Well, almost any planet. Then my friends and I will terraform it accordingly for your species, and you all can just live there.” I grinned. “Admit it. That’s a good deal.”
“It is a good deal.” She looked at me warily. “Almost too good.” She sighed. “I accept.” She shook my hand. “For now.”
You have completed the quest: Blood? Markings? TERROR? WTF? You gain six stat points and two skill points to distribute. Your relationship with The Reptilians of Kepler 47 has increased from Hostile to Unfriendly.
15
Erlking
“I love what you’ve done with the place,” I said, and Titania looked back at me with contempt in her eyes.
“You don’t need to patronize me.” She glared at me. “Out with it.” She made a hurry-up gesture. “Mab’s plaything. What is it?”
“That would be Garrett Andrews, a human from Earth.” I let her stew on that, allowing the silence that stretched between us to pique her interest.
“A human?” Titania rolled her eyes at the mention of a human. She didn’t much care for them. Their motorcycles, sure. But the rest? Not so much.
“This one is quite different.” I looked seriously at my sister, who seemed to pay a little more attention to me.
“Different in what way?” she asked. Was that curiosity in her voice? Perfect.
“Different in that he is not hell-bent on destruction. He is not consumed by greed, nor is he motivated by selfish or hedonistic desires. Instead, he has displayed a remarkable ability to forge strong alliances without exploiting them, and so far, he has yet to be beaten. He is most unique.” I brushed some non-existent lint off my shoulder. “I’ve heard that even Zaxcs is worried about him.” I smiled. “Who knows how much more dangerous Mab would become if her new toy turned saved the universe?” I shook my head. “I scarcely want to think about such a scenario.”
Titania didn’t answer me right away. Instead, she stood and looked out the window at the landscape of the sand world she had chosen to make her home. I uncomfortably looked at the countless pictures on the wall of scenes of children playing at the beach, the adults with their eyes burned out behind them in the photographs. It didn’t strike me as a particularly prudent time to ask about them, though I found myself both horrified and curious.
Moreso, I just wanted to be away from my demented sister. With luck, I would be back to my world quickly and off this ball of sand and flame.
Titania rubbed her eyes before speaking, “Why would Mab want to violate the accords of Summer and Winter? I don’t really understand why she would choose to make things more difficult for herself.” She let out a long, slow sigh. “It was inevitable that I would find out about her new toy.” She tapped her chin with one finger. “Especially since this Garrett Andrews sounds like a nice thing indeed.” She walked back towards the table and sat down. “And Mab doesn’t get to have nice things.”
“I’m not sure why, but it seemed to me like she expected you to find out.” I stood up to leave, though I was pretty sure there was no way she was just going to let me walk out that door. After all, while I needed her to help me, I needed her to want to help me. That was the only effective way to get help, and by pretending to leave now, I would spring my trap.
“I think that you are lying about that.” Titania was no longer looking at me now. “I think Mad thought she could be tricksey and hide this from me.” She nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly what I think.”
“You know, you may be right, dear sister.” I smiled back at her. This was absolutely perfect. While Zaxcs couldn’t get at Garrett directly and stop the threat he posed, my sister could, especially now that Mab had involved herself. “Mab is quite tricksey.”
“She is,” Titania confirmed. “This latest plan to usurp the power of Summer is proof of that.” She smacked the fist of her left hand against her right palm. “Well, I won’t fall for it. I’ll get her to show herself, and then…” she grinned evilly. “Then, I’ll rip her and her stupid Winter kingdom to shreds.” She threw back her head and laughed. “We’ll find out exactly what happens to a snowman in summer.”
“Getting Mab to show herself won’t be too hard, I think.” I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. “I imagine that if you were able to subdue Garrett in some way, Mab would be forced to show herself. After all, he is her toy.” I nodded as I continued. “Then you two can have a nice little chat.”
“Oh, we will have a chat, alright.” Titania stood up anxiously again and began pacing. She was lost, glancing out the window in thought. I could tell she was weighing things and considering all of her options. I wasn’t going to interrupt her. I already knew she was going to go after Garrett. Now, I was curious to see where she was headed. The great thing about being an administrator was that I could let everybody else do the hard work. I was the master puppeteer, pulling the strings.
“Well,” she seemed to come back from where her thoughts had taken her, “first, I have to get him somewhere where he isn’t a god. Somewhere that he would want to go, nay needs to go.” She smiled at me. “I do know a place, I think. We just have to get him there. Humans, I’m not so fond of.” Her mouth stretched into a wonderful, terrible grin that showed way too many teeth to be truly sane. “But I do love me some dinosaurs.”
Then, before I could even blink, Titania picked up her wand and whispered something softly to it. I couldn’t quite make out the words, but what I did hear made me realize she was invoking the old tongue. Then she blew across the tip of the wand, causing it to blaze like a supernova, and even I, the great Erlking, had to shield my eyes from its terrible glare.
“What did you do, sister?” I asked when the cursed, overbearing light had faded enough for me to exist in the same room and not feel like I was being blinded.
“Oh, nothing.” She grinned. “And by nothing, I mean something.” Then she began to laugh uncontrollably.
16
“Do you even know what a flux capacitor is?” Cera-Vahn-Startritor growled, which sounded kind of ominous given that she was a raptor-girl, albeit a cute raptor girl. “It’s not like we can just go to an auto parts store and pick one up.” She blew out an exasperated breath. “And that’s aside from the fact we need to produce exactly 1.21 gigawatts for it to work effectively. And the modulator is broken too.” Cera shook her head. “No, we’ll have to make one from scratch and--”
“Okay, first, are you trolling me?” Jodie asked as she glanced from the very serious-looking lizard person to me. “Like, you’re getting this, right?”
“Maybe?” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’ve never actually seen Back to the Future.”
“I don’t know what that is.” Jodie frowned. “But that isn’t my point.” She shrugged. “Like, okay.” She scampered over to the table where she’d set up a high-tech-looking laptop. Then she proceeded to scroll through a few pages.
“What are you looking at?” I asked as I peered over her shoulder.
“I am looking at the Bazaar’s online marketplace for…” she chewed on her lip. “Found it.” She brought up a page for M’Riley’s Parts Emporium. Then she totally typed in Flux Capacitor. “See, it’s right there.” She pointed at the screen.
“How can this be?” Cera stood there, mouth agape. “That… is exactly what we need. If we acquire this one, we can replace that broken one, and that will stop the power leak for the life support so we can start running repair bots.”
“So…” Jodie smirked. “What were you saying about me being about as useful as a monkey smacking things with sticks while flinging poo?”
“I may have underestimated your value, this is true,” Cera conceded. “But in my defense, your friend--”
“Melanie,” Jodie said flatly.
“Melanie,” Cera said. “Her estimates to terraform Aphrodite into a suitable planet were just ridiculous, considering that my people could have done it in a ridiculously shorter amount of time.” She glanced at me. “And we don’t have access to a god.”
“Counterpoint. B
e nice or said god will throw you into the sun.” Jodie gave me the “you’d better back me up” look.
“I concur,” I said. It amazed me at times just how smooth and suave and charming of a guy I was. Who would think to say “I concur” in that situation? Only a genius capable of sweet-talking ladies like myself.
“See? He concurs.” Jodie nodded at me.
“I’m surprised he knows a word like concur, much less that he can use it in speech,” Cera snorted. “Besides, we already made a deal where I don’t get thrown into the sun because I don’t really want to be resurrected into a sex slave for all eternity.”
Jodie replied, but I didn’t hear it because, at that very moment, I got a weird message. One I’d seen before, but only a few times.
A mirror to a new world has been forced open. Would you like to investigate?
I swallowed as I contemplated the words because, normally, in Terra Forma, new worlds opened as you completed objectives. However, on rare occasions, mirrors got forced open, and it almost always meant that someone was fucking with you. Someone with godlike power.
That meant a couple of things. First, it was incredibly likely that this new world was a trap. On the flipside, however, every single time I’d ever gone into a forced world, the loot, experience, and everything else had always been better. Sure, it was more difficult, but if I wanted to powerlevel both myself and my companions, I had to go. Besides, who knew what epic loot would be inside?
“Time out,” I said as I raised my hands and looked at Jodie and Cera. Then I opened the godly link to Gobta, Crabface, Queenie, and Hudson, none of who were actually in the room with me, and I patched in the two catgirls who were busy back in the Halls of Research as well. Crabface had gone to help Gobta with his dungeon, while Hudson and Queenie were busily working doing… I actually didn’t know. They’d just ran off together to work on a “surprise.”
