by Simon Archer
Pooh, freakishly fast for his size, shot past everyone, including me, and launched himself at Runty. The dire bear's massive jaws ripped off a chunk of the Diplodocus's neck that included the carotid or the jugular or maybe both. Being closest, I got hit with the lion's share of the fire hose of blood.
By the time I'd wiped my eyes clear enough to see, Runty was lying limp on the forest floor, one front foot moving back and forth slowly like he was still trying to run. Then he was still, and the expected message flashed in my vision.
Your summoned creature has killed creature: Diplodocus.
"Sorry, big guy," I murmured as I knelt to extract his Aura.
Pattern: Diplodocus has been learned. Would you like to create a Diplodocus?
It wasn't until I heard the god-awful shrieking of another Diplodocus that I realized I hadn't gotten the message about leveling up and getting stat points, which I only got at the end of a fight.
"Shit!" I shouted. I never learned in grade school science class how fucking protective dinosaur mothers are of their kids. I was pretty sure it had been Runty's mom who'd returned his trumpeting earlier, and now, she'd watched him die.
Pooh lunged toward her neck as he'd done with Runty, but she moved her head up and to the side, and my dire bear's extensive forward momentum caused him to face-plant right in front of her feet. She stomped him right the fuck out of existence, back into Auric Limbo.
I’d initially intended to summon him again, but I changed tack. I called up Rocky and Balboa, my highest-level Stone Golems, putting them a few yards in front of the Diplodocus. I put Rocky in Defensive Stance to just act as a big, human-shaped stack of rocks between the Diplodocus and the villagers and me.
Balboa was in Offensive Stance, and he lurched thunderously toward the dinosaur, swinging his thick arms in wide arcs as he went. Mom raised a front leg to crush him, and to her credit, she sheared one of his arms off at the elbow. But now her foot was right there next to him within punching distance of his intact arm. Between his own stats and the Aura I infused into his attack, he put his fist halfway through her leg. There was a tremendous crack as stone met bone. She was too massive to hold herself up with three legs, and she collapsed onto her stomach. I had Rocky switch stances to Offensive and join his teammate in bashing her neck until she was too weak to hold her head up. Balboa delivered the death blow to her skull.
I saw a repeat of the previous message, Your summoned creature has killed creature: Diplodocus. This time, though, it was followed by the lovely words. You have leveled up.
I checked the view was where Queenie hovered, and in fact, the rest of the Diplodocus herd had reassembled and was slowing down but still traveling south and away from us. I gave a big sigh of relief and distributed my new stat points, favoring Strength because I was probably going to be spending the next few days building real stone walls, not just slabs of rock propped up with rubble, but fortifications that would withstand the cunning of a direct attack by the Saurians and the Orange clan both.
I called out to Queenie over our Aura link. "Can you head back north, past the wedge? I want a definite answer to who's behind this stampede."
"Certainly, master." She buzzed swiftly overhead, only slowing once she was a half-mile or so past my barrier. I could see the charred patches that dotted the forest. The closest burn zones were still smoking, with remnants of fire burning in a couple.
"There," I said, pointing out movement at the edge of one burned area. Queenie dipped down closer. It was, in fact, a group of about twenty people. They did not look reptilian at all. If their feathers had been blue instead of orange, they could have passed for members of Thera's village.
I caught Denno's eye and nodded. "Well, you called it, Denno."
"I'd hoped to be wrong.” He sighed heavily. “Somehow, it's worse to have to fight men whose fathers' fathers were like brothers to your own."
"Well," I replied, "maybe I can do a little something to delay their eagerness for war." I went back to the dead Diplodocus. I summoned Runty. The resulting Diplodocus turned out to be the size of the grown-ups, but what the hell, I'd already gotten attached to the name. He put his head down and shoved his nose into my shoulder, like the world's biggest dog. His breath was more like a cow, though, which was a relief.
"Okay, Runty boy," I said, patting the nose because it seemed like the right thing to do. "Your first mission: Go north. Find the Orange-feathered fuckers." I considered my options for a moment. "Then you know what, just stand there. Just stare at 'em. That's all for now. See what they make of a Diplodocus that doesn't run from them or their fires."
Denno laughed approvingly, and even Thera chuckled.
You have completed the quest: Save the Village! You gain sixteen stat points and four skill points to distribute. Your relationship with the Blue Palm Clan has increased from Friendly to Honored.
With that, there was nothing left to do but set my ants to work harvesting the Diplodocus corpses while everyone headed back to the village for the second feast in as many days. On the way, I taught them, "We Are the Champions," because I was still in a Queen mood. I can't say I was in tune, but Nuuto and Denno figured out the notes I meant to hit, and the whole village joined them for the chorus.
31
Jodie
“What are you doing, Whiskers?” Cera-Vahn-Startritor asked as she came over to where I had been, just one glorious moment ago, working in relative peace.
“Did you really just call me Whiskers?” I asked as I looked up from the scavenged drone I’d been dicking with for the last forty minutes. The good news was that I’d managed to find a way to open the access panel and look inside. The bad news was that it had taken me thirty-eight minutes. The worse news was that I had no idea what anything inside the weird plasteel shell of the robot was.
“Yes.” Cera-Vahn-Startritor nodded once. Well, it wasn’t a nod so much as a weird head bob that translated to the same thing. “Because you have whiskers,” she touched her face with one claw, “like one of my pets back home.” She reached out like she’d have touched me, but stopped. “She had similar coloring to you.”
“Great, so you’re a crazy cat lady.” I blew a lock of hair out of my face and dropped my sonic spano-driver into my lap. It was obvious that to understand anything about this damned robot I’d taken apart, I’d need peace and quiet, and that wasn't happening now.
“You are dodging my question.” Cera-Vahn-Startritor put her claws on her hips and loomed over me like she was trying to see what I was doing. “Why have you pried the access port to that nano-drone open?” She peered at me. “And why are you poking around in there?” Then her stupid dinosaur eyes got huge. “Are you trying to figure out how it works?” She didn’t wait for a response. Instead, she threw back her head and laughed like a squawking chicken.
“That’s hilarious.” She wiped the tears from her eyes. “To think that you could figure out how a quantum drive works by poking at it with a stick of metal.” She snorted as she doubled over laughing. “That’s rich.”
“You know, I’m starting to think that I should stab you with my stick of metal and look at your insides,” I growled. Then because I felt myself getting feisty, I took a swig from my flask before offering it to Cera. “Want some?”
“Sure,” she said as she took the flask from me, eyed it carefully, and then took a swig. At that point, her face got a weird tint. “Is this soup?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Did you think I’d share my alcohol with you?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “We’re not that good of friends. Besides, that goes in my gold flask.” I took my soup flask back and took another sip. Man, did I love chicken noodle.
“In the future, I don’t want to share soup with you.” The lizard lady crossed her arms. “Also, you won’t be able to figure that out like that.” She huffed a bit before grabbing me by the arm and physically pulled me to my feet. “Come on.”
“Come on?” I asked as she dragged me out of the room and away from my par
tially disassembled quantum-driven robot-drone thing. And, despite what she’d told me, I was really close to figuring it out. Probably.
“Yes.” She sighed. “Every time I ask you to help me do things, you’re too dumb--” she stopped herself. “Actually, that is untrue. Like Hudson, you’re not dumb, just… badly taught.” She nodded. “So, now you get to do what he is doing.”
“And what is Hudson doing?” I inquired as she brought me into a large room that was empty save for the Amorphie priest. Only he was sitting there with a vague expression on his face, which may have had something to do with the giant robotic squid thing on his head. Its metal tines dug into his skull, and little lights and whatnot pulsed on them. “What is Hudson doing?!”
Yes, my voice was higher when I asked the second time. But come the fuck on, right?
I took a swig of soup.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to be strong enough.
“I hooked him to the knowledge matrix,” Cera von Stupidinator said as she looked at me. “It’s a learning computer that will take you from your limited level of knowledge to one that is more useful by running you through scenarios at a speed beyond which you’d normally be able to do in this stupid flesh world.” She did her stupid head bob nod thing. “It is how we train young on my former planet.”
“Okay…?” I looked at her. “Do you want to hook me to that… thing?”
“Obviously.” Cera shook her head. “Honestly, you’re really supposed to be the smart one?” She eyed me carefully. “You can tell me if it isn’t true.”
“And what if I refuse?” I asked as I eyed Hudson dubiously.
“Then not only do you keep wandering around like a monkey smacking things with sticks and flinging your poo, but Hudson will soon be a better engineer than you.” Her smugness annoyed me, so I took a swig from the gold flask and felt better. Not a lot better, mind you. But better. So I took another swig. Only that one didn’t help a lot.
“Fine.” I waved a hand at the metal squid. “Do your mind meldy thing.” I glared at her. “But if I die, Garrett will throw you into the sun.”
“Right and then resurrect me as an eternal sex slave.” Dragon Lady shivered. “I am aware.” She let out a long breath. “Trust me, we’ll all be better off if this works.” Then she hit a button on a control panel on the wall which caused a claw to descend from the ceiling like it was in one of those prize machines at the mall. Only in those machines, the claws never caught anything.
This one, though, clamped onto my skull with surprising tenderness. And then endorphins started to flood my system.
“I love you, cold, unfeeling robot arm,” I murmured before I drifted off into a daze.
“Isa neither cold nor unfeeling,” a voice from behind me cooed, and I spun to find myself staring right at the violet-skinned Jam Jam Banks. Only that was impossible because Jam Jam Banks was a fictional character from War of the Stars. And he was an idiot. “Meesa Jam Jam Banks, and Isa will be yousa guide through thisa learning experience.” He grinned at me, revealing his stupid giant teeth. Then he knocked on his head with a fist. “Keep yousa hands firmly inside thisa cart.”
A bright green shopping cart appeared, and he hopped inside before gesturing at me. “Come on.”
“I’m going to get on the cart,” I said, climbing into said cart, which was as weird as it felt. “But if you betray the Empire by casting the deciding vote to remove total control from the chancellor of light and give it to the pesky republic jackasses, I’m going to be very cross.”
“Mesa would never do that,” he said before sticking his stupidly long tongue out and blowing a raspberry. “Now, toosa the knowledge mines.” He pulled his arm down a couple of times like a train conductor, and we sped off. Which was pretty much when I understood the cart because it looked like we were headed into an actual mine with whistling, working gnomes.
“If Snow Snow isn’t in there, I’m going to be very disappointed,” I said as we moved further and further, but Jam Jam didn’t reply because he’d somehow been replaced by someone else altogether.
“Wait…” I said as I stared at the man in the white hat. “Are you Dan Dimmadam? Owner of the Dimmadan Dimmadam?”
“Why, I am Dan Dimmadam, owner of the Dimmadan Dimmadam.” He nodded approvingly. “And I’ll be your guide through this shopping mall of knowledge.” He tweaked his mustache and then grabbed hold of the shopping cart as we raced into a parking lot. Only instead of slowing, we headed right for the entrance at breakneck speed.
This was a problem because the curb was right there, and by my calculations, we were gaining speed.
“What are we going to do, Dan Dimmadam?” I squealed as I turned toward him, but before he could answer, we hit the curb. and I went flying from the shopping cart straight toward the glass walls of the shopping mall of knowledge
I had half a second to be horrified before the scenery changed completely, which was good because not only did I not slam face-first into a plate-glass window, I landed on a rather comfy orange couch.
Oddly enough, this new place reminded me of this beautiful little artist studio back home. One of my friends from back on my homeworld of Catlan was a painter. She would paint these jaw-dropping images. These colorful, kaleidoscope of colors splashed against a dark backdrop. I would go over there often and just look at those images forever whenever something was stumping me.
It was just me in her home, this little nook with just a few photographs up. When the light would come in in the early evening and catch it just right, that room would become like a golden hub splashed with bright colors and darkness. It was so many different sorts of emotions mixing together into one messy, beautiful memory.
The door began creaking open, an instant before a nine-foot-tall, feline creature with ears that looked exactly like mine entered. He moved sleekly and effortlessly across the room towards me. His presence was actually not comforting, but I didn’t feel afraid. I felt as though I’d known this person my entire life. Probably because I’d been his biggest fan.
“Nice to meet you, Jodie. I’m Felinus.” He held out his hand and had a warm smile on his face. “I understand this might be a bit of a surprise.” He shot me a conciliatory smile. “All of it. I’m sorry about that.”
I managed to sort of throw my entire body forward so I could stick out my right hand to shake his. His grip was powerful and confident. This was somebody that knew exactly what he was and what he wanted.
“Hi,” was the response I managed to utter. “Do you really make every female pregnant when you touch down somewhere?”
The moment the words left my lips, I was horrified. I had tried to play it cool and ended up not playing it cool at all. Thankfully, he actually laughed for a few moments, and when he was done, he looked at me with such a comforting expression that I instantly felt at ease again.
“Is that what they say about me?” he asked with a laugh. “I suppose maybe we should start by having me ask you what it is that you know about me.” He smirked before adding, “Or what you think you know about me.”
“Uhhh, well, I guess I had heard that part. The pregnancy thing.” I looked at the floor. “I also heard that you went out across the universe and conquered the stars.”
He smiled at me again before replying, “I conquered some stars, but I definitely did not do it by myself. Conquering feels a little vain. Out there in the universe, you aren’t the conqueror of anything. We gained some stars would be a more apt description.” He smiled at me again before asking, “And ask yourself this, are you pregnant, or do you feel pregnant right now?”
“I guess not,” I replied. “Although I probably wouldn’t know that just yet if I actually was or not until I did a test...” I looked at him in horror. “Wait, you didn’t impregnate me, did you?”
“I can assure you, that part about me is just a myth. Logistically, that’s not even a feasible thing or something anybody would want. Of course, a natural part of a species is to want to see it survive, to h
elp it grow and thrive. To expand. But just throwing little ones out there just to do it, that seems like vanity to me.” He walked over and sat down on the bench next to me. “I apologize for the intrusion again, by the way. You see, I am the manifestation of the Learning Matrix, and it is my job to ensure you get all the knowledge required to do your job. I warn you, though. It will not be easy.”
My jaw must have dropped open because he put his hand gently on my shoulder.
“How is that possible?” I asked, suddenly confused. “And how is this supposed to work? Pretty much everything I’ve seen requires math that hasn’t even been invented yet. And even if I wanted to understand that math, I wouldn’t be able to because the math needed to understand that uninvented math requires even more math that has yet to be invented.”
“Fortunately, I don’t think math of that level will be required, and what is required is that I teach you.” Felinus smiled at me. “That’s my job after all.” He clapped his hands together. “So, are you ready to learn?”
32
Thera was speaking to me. I knew that because I could see her mouth moving. Only… only I couldn’t make sense of her words because I was too busy focusing on the words in front of my face and that fact that my Aura had gone from full to nonexistent in an instant.
Your summoned monster: Diplodocus has been destroyed.
Your summoned monster: Queenie has been destroyed.
Worse, as I craned my head toward where I’d sent them and used the first few ticks of my newly regenerated Aura to focus my Auric Sense in that direction, I found that I couldn’t find any trace of anything other than a bit of residual heat, though that wouldn’t have been enough to make me think they’d been killed by it.
Sure, anything could have, I suppose, taken out Runty since he was still low level, but Queenie? That sounded absurd.
