“Yeah, but when? Remember what happened when Marcus and Lisa eloped? She lost her shit and wore black for months! All that muttering and crossing herself around them—what is she going to do after witnessing that?”
This reaction may seem a little ridiculous. After all, Theo and I are adults. We’re engaged, and we’ve been touring the country, and the world, with our band for a few years now. And, we’ve been living together for most of those years. It’s just that Theo’s mother doesn’t know that part. Up until today, she still thought we were living separately.
Here’s the thing. Theo comes from a very religious Italian family. His mother, especially, is very big on tradition and would have an absolute fit if she had realised we were living together before we were married. As far as she is concerned, her boys are ‘good catholic boys’ and they should marry ‘good catholic girls’.
The catholic girl part was the one thing I had right. Although I’m not practising, I am at least christened and went through all of my communion and what not when I was young. But, the ‘good’ part… well, that was already debatable. But now, I’ve completely lost any sort of respect I had in Mrs Bailey’s eyes.
Mrs Bailey. That’s right, I still call her ‘Mrs Bailey’ as if I’m a child coming over to her house to play after school. But what can I say? The woman makes me nervous as hell. When she’s upset, she mutters things in Italian that sound like curses and when her sons disappoint her… words can’t even describe what it’s like when that happens. Drama—she just radiates so much drama!
From what I’ve been told, when Theo went through his Goth phase, she saw him once and lost her shit, claiming that he was breaking her heart because he was courting the devil. She made his life so difficult, that from then on he hid it from her so as not to upset her, but still be the person he wanted to be.
It’s hard to know what will set her off though. When Theo’s younger brother, Marcus, made himself an Internet sensation by ruining our band’s Melbourne gig a few years ago, she barely bats an eyelid. Then, while he took off and toured the world for a couple of years without making any contact with a single one of us, once again, she was fine. “He just so busy,” she’d say in her thick accent. It used to infuriate me because I just knew that if Theo had done that, both Mr and Mrs Bailey would be shaking their heads in disappointment and claiming that he didn’t care about them anymore.
But I guess that’s the difference with the Bailey brothers—Theo was always the dependable one and Marcus was always the one with stars in his eyes. They expected more from Theo than they ever did from Marcus.
The only time she ever reacted badly towards Marcus was when he married a girl they had never met. Mrs Bailey wore black for months, and kept crossing herself all the time like there was some sort of demon in the room. It was ridiculous. But I still don’t think she blamed Marcus. Her negativity seemed to be aimed more toward his wife, Lisa. I don’t think Marcus can ever do wrong in her eyes.
So, you see, her walking in on Theo and I being…sexual… and finding out that we’re living together before we’ve married, is probably going to give her a heart attack or something. And, it will be primarily blamed on me.
I guess because she still sees Marcus as the baby in the family, she overlooks a lot of his faults. But with Theo, she seems to have very high expectations. Perhaps because he’s the oldest and therefore is expected to be more mature and level-headed. As a result, Theo feels as though he’s a bit of a disappointment. But at the grassroot of it all, it’s always the women in their life who lead her boys astray. My sister-in-law, Lisa, has gone through a multitude of drama at the hands of this woman. And from what I can gather, she isn’t going to be happy until one of us gives her our first-born child as some sort of sacrifice to the gods of overbearing mother-in-laws everywhere.
For a while, she was OK with Marcus and Lisa’s marriage (once she had gone through her mourning period after they eloped, that is.) But then, Marcus and Lisa made it very clear that they weren’t ready to start a family, and that has got her nose severely out of joint again. She just can’t understand the point of marriage unless there are children.
Which brings us back to the fact that Theo and I still aren’t married. Not only are our friends on our backs about when it’s going to happen, but Mrs Bailey is permanently on our case about it – perhaps that’s another reason we haven’t done it yet. Perhaps in some silly way, we are rebelling against her like we’re still teenagers…
I pull away from Theo’s embrace with a dramatic sigh and move to our bedroom to get dressed. He follows behind me, trying to assure me that it isn’t as bad as I think it is until his phone rings.
“It’s Marcus,” he says, pressing the key to accept his brother’s call before holding the phone to his ear. “Hey man, what’s up?” he asks in greeting.
Pulling on some underwear and a pair of jeans and a fitted black singlet top, I twist my towel around my head in a turban as I keep an eye on Theo’s reaction to his brother’s call. I just know that she’s gone straight to Marcus and Lisa to tell them what we ‘did’ to her.
“Yeah, she’s here,” Theo says, pressing his lips together before lowering his phone and hitting the ‘speaker’ option. Marcus’s voice filters out through the speaker and into the room.
“Guys, what the hell happened? We just had Mum over here ranting about you two. Now, my Italian is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure she was calling Naomi a whore and saying that you‘re both going to hell.”
“I’m going to kill her,” Theo growls, shaking his head. “She can’t talk about Naomi that way.”
“Calm down, mate. You don’t want to start World War Three here,” Marcus says.
“Is that what ‘puttana’ means? Whore?” I say at the same time to Theo, who doesn’t nod to confirm it, but by the look on his face, I know I’m right. “Bloody hell,” I sigh, shaking my head as it begins to throb.
Lisa’s voice joins in on the conversation. “Listen, I have no idea what she said. But she never comes here to complain about you guys. If she comes here, it’s to clean our already tidy home, and let me know what a disappointment I am for not being pregnant yet.”
I hear Perry bark over the receiver. “I know, Perry. You’re the baby of this house, aren’t you?” she says to him.
“What did you two do?” Marcus asks again.
Theo lets out a sigh. “Fucking hell. We were in the studio and didn’t hear her at the door so she walked in and caught us… well… you know.”
Marcus’s laugh rumbles out of the speaker, and I can feel the heat of embarrassment creep over my face yet again.
“Oh wow. No wonder she wouldn’t stop crossing herself. She’s going to be in mourning for a decade over this one.”
“Make that two decades - she found out that Naomi lives here too,” Theo adds.
Marcus laughs again.
“I’m glad this is funny for you, Marcus,” I say. “I’m that one who she’s going to be spitting at.”
“I don’t think it’s funny, Nomes,” adds Lisa. “I’ve been the brunt of her evil eye. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
“Come on. It’s not that bad. It’s not like she has magical powers and can curse you,” Marcus says.
“Marcus, your mother is a scary-arse woman. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does have powers,” Lisa replies.
“Mum’s just going to have to deal with it,” Theo says. “I’m an adult for fuck’s sake. If I want to live with my fiancée, I can. If I want to do other things with my fiancée, I can. It’s not my fault she’s still living in the fucking dark ages.”
“You know what you have to do, right?” Marcus asks.
“What do I have to do, Marcus? Enlighten me.”
“Get married,” both Marcus and Lisa say in unison.
“Get married?” I repeat. “What is it with everyone telling us to get married lately? Besides, how the hell are we supposed to organise a wedding right now? Matiari is about to tour the
UK and Europe. We’ll be gone for the best part of a year. We can’t organise a wedding before then. It’ll have to wait until we come back. That was our plan anyway.”
“Sure you can have it early,” Lisa assures us. “Marcus organised ours in a day. With his connections, you can have the wedding whenever you want.”
Theo and I look at each other, mouthing words and gesturing to each other that we can’t manage a wedding right now. We both know that most of our finances are tied up in the tour. We’re not mega stars like Marcus and Lisa are. Our income is very modest considering our output for band expenses.
Theo clears his throat. “Guys, it’s just not going to happen. Our money’s tied up in the tour, and I’m not going to get a loan to go in debt for a quickie wedding, just because our mother is being a drama queen. Besides, in a month’s time, we’ll be gone for a year, and she’ll probably be over it by the time we get back.”
“Theo, don’t kid yourself,” Marcus adds. “She will torture the rest of us the entire time you are gone.”
“Marcus, you totally deserve to suffer through a torture caused by me for a change. God knows, I’ve suffered plenty because of you.”
“Then if not for me, think of Lisa. She doesn’t deserve more than she’s already put up with. Besides, she will call you while you’re on the road, crying about how much you’ve hurt her. You know what she’s like. This doesn’t end until something happens that will change it.”
“Fine. Then we’ll elope like you two did,” he says.
“Seriously man, don’t do that. We don’t regret our wedding at all, but we should have thought about what effect it would have on everyone else, especially you two. We didn’t think, and we kind of swooped in and got married before you two got the chance to have yours,” Marcus explains.
“We’re really sorry guys,” Lisa adds. “We should have waited until after you’d had yours.”
“Don’t mention it. It’s fine,” Theo says, even though I know the fact that Marcus is acknowledging that he did yet another shitty thing means a lot to Theo.
“Well, we are mentioning it because we feel really bad. Listen, we were going to wait until Christmas to do this, but since this has all happened, we thought we’d suggest it now,” Marcus starts.
“Suggest what?” I ask.
“We’d like to pay for your wedding,” Lisa says.
Both Theo and I shake our heads while we repeatedly say ‘no’ over the top of each other.
“It’s the least we can do after fucking things up for you guys. Consider it our gift to you. We wouldn’t know what the fuck to buy you two since you already live together, anyway. And we owe you guys. You’ve been amazing to us. Let us do this,” Marcus insists. “I’ll make a few phone calls and get back to you both tonight. Don’t plan anything for the next month before you go. We won’t have time to set up a big catholic wedding. But we can definitely do a wedding fit for one of Australia’s most recognisable music couples.”
“Marcus, no!” I yell into the receiver. But my protests are only heard by Theo’s ears. Marcus and Lisa have disconnected.
I glance at Theo, my eyebrows raised and my eyes wide. “What the hell just happened?”
Theo presses his lips together and gives me a lopsided grin before he pulls me into another embrace. “Well, look on the bright side - we had planned to talk about the wedding tonight, anyway.”
“Yeah. Talk about it. Not plan it. How did we go from not knowing, to getting married in a month?”
“Welcome to the family, babe,” he deadpans. “Prepare to have your life taken over.”
Five
A couple of hours later, there’s a knock at our door. “Who the hell is it this time?” Theo grumbles as he goes to answer it.
“Please tell me you’re wearing clothes!” I hear Marcus call out as soon as it opens.
“Fuck you, man,” Theo half gripes, half laughs.
“Is it too soon to joke about it?” Marcus says, stepping in through the door with Lisa in tow.
She meets my eyes and holds up a bottle. “We brought wine,” she says hopefully.
“And rum, and we’ll order Indian or something. We’ve got a lot to get through,” Marcus adds, holding up another bottle then making his way to the kitchen.
He’s always comfortable when he comes over here. I guess it’s because he spent so much time here when he was with Matiari, so it is like a second home to him.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” Theo asks, but it’s more of a statement than a question and I’m really the only one who hears. I walk over to him and take a hold of his large hand then lift it to my lips and kiss his palm.
“We can still say no,” I point out.
He shakes his head. “It’s OK. I want the wedding to happen. I just wasn’t expecting my mother seeing my fiancée going down on me to be the catalyst.”
I nudge him with my elbow. “Hey, it could make a good song.”
He grins. “Oh yeah? What would it be called?”
“Stay The Fuck Out Of My House Or You’ll See Me Blow My Load,” I reply instantly, causing him to release that beautiful rumble that escapes his chest whenever he laughs.
“We’d make millions,” he chuckles, releasing my hand so he can hug me to him.
“See? She did us a favour,” I joke, as we head into the kitchen where Marcus is pouring drinks and Lisa is pulling out her iPad and a bunch of bridal magazines.
She looks up and meets my eyes. “I grabbed everything the newsagent had on the way over here,” she explains. “We can work out what you want, and then we can set a bunch of people to work to make it all happen.”
“Sounds perfect,” I reply genuinely, taking the glass that Marcus offers me with a smile before I take a seat and start flipping through some magazines.
After our conversation with Marcus and Lisa earlier, Theo and I had a long discussion about whether we really were happy planning and having the wedding before we go on tour.
At first, we felt a little weird about Marcus and Lisa insisting that they pay as a wedding gift. But when you consider it as an apology from Marcus for all the shit he put us through when he left the band, then I don’t feel so indebted toward him for helping us - because he kind of did put us through hell.
In the end, we both agreed that now was as good a time as any. It seemed that today, more than ever, the signs were pointing towards us getting married sooner rather than later. So we both figured – why not? We love each other and we were going to do it anyway…
“So, first thing’s first – who do you want in your wedding party?” Lisa asks, opening up a notebook and clicking down the point of her pen.
“Oh, um… well, I guess that’s a fairly easy one. Stephanie has been my best friend forever. So she should be Matron of Honour and I’d love for you and Paige to be my bridesmaids.”
“You want me as a bridesmaid?” she asks, a slight grin playing on the corner of her mouth.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I reply.
“Oh wow. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before.”
“Well, now you are. If you want to of course.”
She grins. “Of course I do. I’d love to.”
She writes the names down on her notepad and then looks over at Theo. He returns a blank stare as he holds his glass of rum and coke to his lips. “What?” he asks.
I smile. He and Marcus were obviously talking about something other than our wedding. “Your side of the bridal party. Who do you want to be your groomsmen?” I ask, even though I already know the answer to this question.
He holds out a hand and counts off on his fingers. “Marcus – best man. Then Lachlan and Jack for the other two. Three’s enough right?”
“Perfect,” I smile, nodding my head to the chair next to me. He walks over and pulls it out, draping his arm over the back of my chair as Marcus does the same next to Lisa. It’s easy to tell these two men are related. They have a lot of similar mannerisms.
From that
point, we begin to go over all the things we had been talking about for our wedding. Theo insists that he gets to organise the music, but the food and venue are something that we’re all very flexible on. It will just have to be something that we can get on short notice.
Most of our time is spent writing out a list of guests, eating Indian takeaway and coming up with outlandish wedding suggestions for a laugh. It was suggested that I parachute in instead of walking down the aisle. Yeah – I wasn’t agreeing to do that.
Eventually, Lisa and I tell the men to take their jokes and go and stuff around in the studio while Lisa and I seriously flip through the bridal magazines and plan out the vast majority of this wedding ourselves.
By the time we’re finished, we have the guest list, the type of invitation, the colours for decorating, a list of suitable venues and celebrants to send to a wedding planner, and a huge list of other little touches that will make our day really special.
I, of course, want everything to be purple. So we’re going to try to incorporate a bit of a musical theme in with that colour choice.
When we say goodbye to Marcus and Lisa at almost 2am the next morning, I’m actually beginning to feel excited about doing this, and I wonder why we hadn’t thought to plan and put together a wedding in a month before now. Everything is going to be perfect.
Six
As a result of the wedding plans moving forward, the next week makes both Theo and I feel as though our phones have managed to graft themselves to our hands. We’re forever on them.
We’re either dealing with wedding plans or tour plans, interspersed with Mrs Bailey ringing up and crying in our ears because we hurt her so much with our ‘sordid display’.
Theo disconnects yet another call from her and shakes his head, fuming. He’s stopped yelling at her whenever they talk, but he hasn’t stopped feeling angry with her for her reaction.
“Seriously,” he says. “I know it would make things worse with her, but, I feel like having this wedding in another country like Marcus and Lisa did. Then she’d bloody well miss out on our wedding too.”
Rock (Beautiful Book 4) Page 23
