All I could feel was love.
I relaxed, just slightly.
He stroked his thumb against the back of my hand. I was looking down at our hands, but when I heard him inhale as if he was about to speak, I looked up into his eyes.
“I’ve been talking to Sarin, Mar,” he said. “I should have told you about it, but she said that it was best if you didn’t know, for a little while at least. So I hid it from you. And when you asked me about my phone calls last night, I didn’t know what to say. That’s why I ran. I shouldn’t have.”
“Sarin’s manipulative,” I told Justin. “She’ll say anything to convince you to stay at her inn. That's her whole MO. She tries to convince people that her way is best. She tries to recruit people. I bet she was trying to get you to book a stay, right?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said softly. “She was talking to me about you. And Mar, what she said really made sense.”
I released Justin’s hand. I kept looking him in the eye as I said, “Justin, no. Don’t let her get to you. She’s just messing with your head. She’s a master of psychological warfare. Don’t trust her.”
“She warned me you’d react defensively,” Justin said.
“That’s because I have to defend myself against her, if I want to keep my life here on Earth!” I said. “If I let her ideas crawl around in my brain, I’ll wind up checking into the Lazy S Inn, just like my gran and my mom did. Then I’ll never get to fulfill my duties here on Earth. I’d have to give it all up.”
“How do you know that giving up would be a bad thing?” Justin asked.
“It’s not bad,” I said. “It’s just not what I want to do, okay? I like it here—I like it in the Earth Realm... with my friends, my responsibilities... you. I can’t just leave all that behind.”
“Sarin explained that to me. She said that the special relationships you have in your life here keep you from having the peace that you really want. The way she said it kind of made sense. At first when she talked about it I thought she was crazy, but as I listened to her, I started to see her point.”
I narrowed my eyes. “So she’s been calling you in secret, and you two have been talking about me?” I said.
“Yeah,” Justin said with a nod. “I was on the phone with her on Friday night, when you ran outside into the rain to find Robert’s body. I just needed some privacy. She said I had to be really careful.”
I thought about how Justin had emerged from the woods. It started to make sense to me—he’d snuck outside, having a secret conversation with Sarin.
Justin went on. “She’s setting up the tour for me. She was able to pull some strings with some really big players within the music industry. I guess she has a lot of contacts.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I said bitterly. I hated the thought of Sarin messing with Justin’s life—just to get to me.
“She’s said she could even get the band a record deal,” Justin said. “If I promise to stay away from Hillcrest for a whole year. She said that was the only way...”
His voice trailed off.
“The only way for what?” I demanded.
“The only way that you would be able to make a real choice,” Justin said. “Listen, Mar...” He adjusted his position on the bed, and turned slightly to face me more directly.
He looked into my eyes as he spoke. “Sarin said that the only way for you to be truly at peace would be for you to leave all of this behind, and stay permanently on Cloud 9, at her inn. She said that life for you here was only going to be one problem—one struggle and stress—after another. She said that I was your biggest reason for staying... and that crushed me.”
I shook my head. I was surprised to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I thought I’d gotten them all out earlier, with Asti, but apparently I had not.
I let the fat, hot tears well up and spill over my lids. What Justin was saying struck a chord deep within me.
Yet at the same time, I desperately wanted to deny it.
I bit my lip, and shook my head while I cried. “That’s not true,” I said. “I want to stay here because I love it here, and I love you...”
Justin took a deep breath. He looked like he wanted to cry, too, but he didn’t. In all the years I’d known Justin, I’d never once seen him cry. He poured his heart and soul into his music, and I figured that was the way he expressed the hurt that I let fall out of me as salty tears.
“Marley, I love you so much,” he said. “I really do. I want you to know that.”
“Then why are you leaving?” I asked him.
He didn’t answer me.
I looked at him with big, tear-filled eyes. “Please don’t listen to Sarin.” I begged.
“I’m not only listening to Sarin,” Justin said. “I’m listening to my gut, too. Haven’t you always told me how magic makes us more intuitive?”
I nodded. I remembered saying that to him many times.
“Well, I feel it, Mar,” he said. He reached forward, and pushed a rogue strand of my hair behind my ear. He let his fingers trail down the side of my face. “I feel how much you want peace. What if Cloud 9 really does make you happy? I want to give you space so that you can make an honest decision—without thinking about me. I owe that to you.”
I let his words sink in.
Then I tuned into my own intuition.
I felt a swirling energy inside me, like my internal state was a snowglobe that had just been shaken. As I paid attention, it began to settle. I was left with a sense of stillness, and in that stillness, I felt that Justin was speaking the truth.
My love for him was influencing my feelings toward the Lazy S Inn.
Sarin advocated for a life of stillness. She said that beings could simply observe the movement of life without partaking in it. She called it “being a passerby.” And I had to admit, that sounded nice.
Not only that, but the Lazy S Inn was located on a pink cloud in the Spirit Realm. I’d heard that the Spirit realm was light, fluffy, and free from conflict. Unlike the Earth Realm, there were no extremes, like hot and cold, pain and pleasure, and life and death. Everything cruised along on an even keel, and deep down, that appealed to me.
“I guess there’s part of me that’s drawn to Sarin’s lifestyle,” I admitted to Justin.
He nodded slowly, and the corners of his mouth tugged downward. “So we're going to do this, then,” he said.
“I guess so,” I said. My tone was just as flat and glum as his.
After a minute of silence, he spoke. “Maybe we should try to look at the silver lining,” he said. “Sarin convinced the Ice Monkeys to let us open for them in San Diego, in two weeks.”
I forced a smile. “That’s great. They’re a big deal in the punk rock scene.”
He nodded, and actually smiled a little bit, too. “That will kick things off,” he said. “And after we play Cali, we’re going to head to Portland, and then to Chicago...”
“It’s pretty amazing that Sarin’s doing all of this for you,” I said. I shifted my position by bending my knee, and hugging it to me. “She said you’re not allowed to visit Hillcrest, but can we still talk on the phone? Or maybe online?”
He shook his head. “She told me that for this to work, we have to have no contact. I have to really give you space...”
I felt my heart sinking. The thought of a whole year without Justin in my life was so depressing. I was just starting to love having a steady boyfriend. Now he was being taken away from me. “So what does this mean for us?” I asked in a whisper.
“I’m still going to love you,” Justin said. “I will think of you every day. I’m giving you this space because I care about you and I want the best for you... you get that, right?”
“I think so,” I said sadly. “So we’re not going to be a couple, while you’re gone.”
He was silent. I knew that meant I was right.
He reached out and brushed his fingers against my cheek. Then he leaned in, and kissed me.
I felt
sad as we kissed—I understood that he was kissing me goodbye. At least, goodbye for now. I understood that we’d spend the year apart. After that, I wasn’t sure what would happen.
When we parted, I stood up.
I pushed my hands into my vest pockets. My fingers brushed against a little round sphere, and I realized that it was the third truth berry. I moved my hand away from it so that I didn’t squish it—I was feeling raw enough as it was; I didn’t need to add more complication to my already fragile system.
“I’d better go,” I said. “There’s still a ton to do up at the center, to get ready for the concert at noon. Are you still planning on playing it?”
“I’ll be there soon with the guys,” Justin promised. “I promised Gordon Groover I’d meet up with him this morning. He can’t stay for the concert; he said he’d swing by here around ten on his way out of town. I guess he has a plane to catch out of Melrose at one that will take him back to LA. He still hasn’t given me my prize money check, so he’s finally going to drop it off.”
“Ugh, The Groover,” I said with a shake of my head. “I have to admit, he didn’t live up to my expectations. I thought he’d be such a cool, creative guy... but he’s kind of just a jerk. That’s okay with me that he’s not staying for the final concert.”
Justin nodded. “I know what you mean. He’s not really what I expected, either, but what can you do?” He shrugged. “Just gotta go with the flow, right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said. “That’s cool that he’s going to swing by and give you the check. I guess at least that’s a nice gesture.” I had a hard time imagining the grumpy primadonna going out of his way to do anything, so I had to give him credit for at least making an effort to see Justin and deliver his winnings.
I smiled sadly. “Okay, see you up there,” I said.
I headed out into the day.
The sky was a beautiful shade of blue that looked crisp and bright against the white, snow-capped mountains that surrounded town, but I felt so melancholy that it was hard to acknowledge my stunning surroundings.
I walked slowly down the sidewalk with my head down, looking at my moccasin-clad feet.
My relationship with Justin had been such a wonderful part of my life. He helped me laugh, relax, and enjoy simple pleasures like lying out under the stars, sipping wine by a campfire, or sitting by Mill Creek with our toes in the chilly water and sun on our cheeks.
I recalled days that we’d slept in together until almost noon, and then made our way to Annie’s café for our first meal of the day. We’d sit side by side on a bench on Main Street, and eat the yummy sandwiches, chatting with townsfolk as they passed by with dogs and kiddos.
I was going to miss all that. I tried to bring to mind what Asti had told me, about seeing the space between things, but I just couldn’t manage it. I was just too upset.
Was Sarin right? Was my relationship with Justin holding me back from real peace and happiness?
Or was she simply a greedy, desperate woman who was bent on manipulating the lives of others?
Chapter Sixteen
I was dragging my feet as I made it to the center and crossed through the magical barrier around ten a.m. For the next fifteen minutes, I mingled with guests in the lobby. Then I headed up to a conference room on the second floor, to help Asti set up a circle of easels for her mid-morning lecture, which was to take place from 10:30 to noon.
The whole time that I arranged easels and chairs, I was very aware of the countdown to Robert’s attack on Asti. It really looked like my witch sisters and I weren’t going to solve the case by noon. Even though it seemed futile, my mind kept churning over the clues we’d gathered over the course of the weekend. Someone pushed Robert off of the roof. Someone threw a knife at Penny. Was it the same person? It seemed to me that it must have been. The chances that there were two secretly violent guests out of twenty-five seemed highly unlikely. It was more probable that there was one villainous guest, and they’d attacked both Robert and Penny.
But why?
What did Robert and Penny have in common?
I left the conference room as guests started to arrive.The artists and scientists seemed to be getting along. Out in the hallway, I overheard a snippet of conversation between two scientists that would have made me quite happy, had I not been otherwise preoccupied.
“...interesting how painting seems to engage both hemispheres of the brain, isn't it?”
“Very. After the ‘space between things’ exercise yesterday, I was able to see a problem I’ve been working on that has to do with the evolution of birds in an entirely different way. I think I had a real breakthrough.”
“Maybe there's something to this creativity stuff after all.”
“Asti has a remarkable way of looking at the world. And you know—my magic is stronger when I practice her techniques.”
“...shouldn't have been so hard on artists all those years.”
I walked down the hallway. I was glad that the artist types and the scientists were getting along, but I had other problems to work on.
Who killed Robert Elgin?
I decided to go up to the roof. I was sure the rain, wind, and sun had buffed his curse-painting from the rooftop, but I hoped that there would at least be something left for me to ponder. I knew I was missing a piece of the puzzle, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I hoped that going up to the roof would give me a new perspective.
I hiked up the flight of stairs that connected the second story to the third. I walked all the way to the end of the hallway and spotted the door to the staircase that led up to the roof. If Geoff hadn’t shown it to me, I may never have even noticed it was there. It was tucked between two other doors—one was a utilities closet, and the other was storage for linens. I’d passed by the doors many times, but had never paid much attention. This time I pulled open the middle door, and then took the metal stairs up two at a time. I emerged out onto the roof. A blustery wind whipped across the flat surface, and I pulled my sweater and my vest tighter around me.
I crossed the roof and reached the place where Robert’s curse had been painted onto the black surface. I saw a faint outline of it, just barely visible against the black roof surface. The snake curled in a circle, with one small gap in it. It struck me as ironic that Robert’s anti-art curse had been created with artwork.
At another time, I may have giggled at the irony of it all. But I wasn’t in a giggling mood.
I imagined for a moment that I was Robert. I pictured the cold, driving rain of Friday night. I tried to feel what it must have been like for him, to see Asti after decades apart. All the painful emotions that he’d never processed surfaced unexpectedly.
He felt angry, I thought. Sad. Upset. He came up here to the roof with the intention of cursing the weekend's events, just to make Asti miserable. Misery loves company, as they say...
I recalled that he’d told me he took the ladder, not the stairs. I walked to the edge of the roof and looked over. I saw the metal fire escape ladder rungs descending down, down, down, to the grass, dirt, and rocks below.
I could see the place on the lawn where Robert’s body landed, about three feet out from the edge of the building. I knew I’d probably never forget that spot—it was ingrained in my mind. I could still picture how his legs and arms had been splayed out at odd angles. Poor Robert.
I remembered how it had felt for me to walk out of the lobby on that night. I’d hurried across the slippery, rain-splattered deck. I looked over at the deck and replayed the memory in my mind. It was funny to see the deck from my new vantage point of three stories up. It was a large space, but from my height it looked small.
Then I looked out to the woods that Justin had emerged from. He said he needed privacy for his conversation with Sarin, I thought. He must have slipped out of the lobby and darted out into the woods so that he could talk to her in secret. I imagined him sneaking through the doors that led from the lobby to the deck, crossing the deck, and then joggin
g across the dark yard into the woods
It was so cold that night.
It’s crazy that Justin was so desperate for privacy that he was willing to put up with that rain, I thought.
At least he had that rain jacket on. The rain mustn’t have felt so bad, thanks to the nice hood and all.
Robert had a pretty nice rain jacket on that night, too. It actually looked a lot like Justin’s—they were both dark, with big hoods.
I really should get a rain jacket one of these days, I thought.
I backed up from the edge of the roof, and then walked over to another side. From my new vantage point, I could see the back of the retreat center. A swath of lawn separated the center from the woods beyond. At the edge of the woods, I could see the labyrinth that Geoff and Margie were building.
It was such a nice gesture.
I wonder if walking the labyrinth could help with creativity, I thought. Maybe I should make an announcement about it before the concert, so that guests can check it out before they leave. It’s not completely done, but at least they could walk on the parts of it that are done, and see how it feels.
Maybe it could help the artists and scientists alike with their creative projects.
I saw Geoff emerge from the woods with a pile of slate in his muddy arms.
Margie was behind him, fluttering along in that cheerful way of hers.
Yes, I thought. I’ll talk to Geoff and Margie to let them know that guests might come back to check out the labyrinth, and then I’ll make an announcement right before the concert begins.
Too bad Gordon Groover will miss it, I thought.
If he’s trying to catch a 1:00 flight out of Melrose, he’s probably going to try to be at the airport by 12:30 at the latest, I thought. And that means he’ll probably leave Hillcrest by 11:30, since it takes an hour to get to Melrose.
Maybe the labyrinth would have changed his opinion about this place, I mused. It’s a shame he’s going to miss it. Out of all the guests, he seems to be the most creatively blocked.
The Artist's Alchemy Page 14
