by Amy Richie
“Rani!” The doctor's sharp voice had me scurrying for the door. “Hurry with that water! Don't stop.”
I flew back to the opposite end of the hall where a kettle was already whistling. Sasha handed me the kettle without words, along with several long strips of cloth. I glanced up at her, just for the small space of one of my heartbeats.
A million unspoken truths were there in her eyes; truths I myself knew. The time had come at last. If Shona had a girl, all would be well. If her baby was born a boy … I didn't want to think about that. Especially not now when my own stomach was twisting painfully sharp itself, and just down the hall there lay a woman who needed my help.
Clutching the cloth to my chest, I hurried to retrace my steps to the birthing room. Shona's screams had dulled to pitiful whimpering, but the blood flow hadn't dulled in the slightest. If anything, the red stains had taken over the sheets completely, leaving no white in its wake.
Vaguely, from some small, forgotten part of the world, I was aware that the doctor was still calling out orders. Nurses that had not once spoken two words to me ran around to do his bidding.
I wanted to bolt from the room; wanted to get away from the scene of gore and panic. However, something held me to my place—something that went beyond obedience. I had to know if Shona's baby was a boy or a girl; I had to know. It was as if my whole life had led to this very moment.
Without meaning to, I leaned closer to the bed. One step closer.
“Please let my baby be safe!”
Shona's body jerked and tensed tight, her already pale face losing even more color.
“Please let my baby be safe ...”
Someone brushed by me in a whirl of colors that meant nothing. I felt her shoulder make contact with mine, but I didn't move. I couldn't.
“Please let my baby be safe ...”
A wet cloth was shoved into my hands. I took it automatically, but I wasn't sure what they wanted me to do with it. One small cloth wasn't going to do much against the blood still dripping from between Shona's legs.
“Please let my baby be safe ...”
I clutched harder to the cloth.
Chapter 17
“Rani!” Doctor Gourini's stern use of my name was enough to jerk me out of whatever shock had rooted me to my spot.
“Hmm?”
“Why aren't you doing as you were told?” He pushed me forward, causing me to stumble but not fall completely.
What had I been told to do?
“Take care of Shona. This might be hard for her,” he finished quietly.
Hard? My eyebrows drooped low, then smoothed out quickly. Of course having a baby was hard. No one could lose that much blood and not hurt somewhere.
Shona's eyes were closed when I reached her side, but I knew better than to think she was asleep. Using the same wet cloth someone had given me—probably just for this purpose—I began moping it across Shona's forehead. She didn't move.
It was difficult to see much of what was going on from my vantage point. Blood soaked blankets and nurses hurrying from place to place made up most of my view.
This wouldn't be so hard then, helping to birth the babies, if I only had to sit with the mothers. This much I could deal with. I pushed sweat-soaked strands of dark hair off her pale forehead just as Shona arched her back again.
“It'll be over soon,” I crooned silently. We had gotten this far, it wouldn't be much further.
Then, very abruptly—just as suddenly as everything had gone frantic—everything went very still. My lips turned up expectantly, even while my heart very nearly exploded with anticipation. No announcement came, though; everything remained that same eerie silence.
“What is it?” Shona half raised her head, her voice coming out hoarse and weak. “What's wrong? Is it a girl?”
Raising unnoticed from my seat, I peered around the bulk of Doctor Gourini to try and get a glimpse of Shona's baby. I didn't know much about babies, but I was sure I could at least tell her if it was a boy or a girl. I was sure I could at least tell her that much.
“It's a boy,” Doctor Gourini stated flatly before I could see.
My heart deflated and settled heavily in my stomach. So that was it. Shona had a boy. Now, the only chance for me and my baby would be if it was a girl. I couldn't know if I was carrying a girl, so why did I feel such a washing feeling of defeat?
A boy? So baby Catherine was never going to be. I wondered if Shona felt the disappointment. Or was she just relieved it was finally over?
Now she would be free to return to Five with her husband and child. Surely now, her dream of having higher responsibilities would be realized, since she helped solidify their future. A boy was a great blessing in any village.
Despite the relief I expected, Shona remained oddly quiet. Everyone was. Even while my thoughts spun almost out of control, everyone else in the room only stared at the place where Shona's baby boy must be laying.
All that blood, he must need washed up. Why was no one moving? A tiny frown creased my forehead, making my eyebrows come together close to my nose.
“The baby is dead,” Doctor Gourini announced in that same flat voice. “The baby of Shona, wife of Ben, is dead.”
“What?” I stepped forward the rest of the way just in time to get a glimpse of the small form that was so purple he looked black surrounded by dark red blood. Out of nowhere, a blanket was draped over the body and the nurse stepped forward.
“The placenta is already out,” the doctor said to no one in particular. “Massage her stomach until the tremors stop. She’ll need ...”
Doctor Gourini's words faded away. How could this have happened? The shock of seeing that tiny form, which would never open his eyes to see his mother's face, cut across me like a knife in my stomach.
I clutched at the place where the pain was strongest, the place where my own baby was waiting to meet the world and the terrible truth hit me. Hit me with another sharp pain in my stomach.
This was my fault; I had killed Shona's baby.
When I had first discovered I was pregnant, Sasha had told me my best chance for being able to stay on Ortec would be if something happened to one of the other babies. Ever since that day, I had secretly hoped for it. This was my doing. How could I have hoped for this?
Another shuddering pain worked its way from the small of my back to my stomach. All around me, the others were regaining their movements—doing what was necessary now that it was all over. However, I still couldn't move; I could only stand there and gasp for a full breath.
Pain shot down the middle of my stomach, down my legs, and back up again; settling somewhere in my lower stomach. A tiny corner of my mind told me to get out of that room—to just turn around and run—but another part, a much louder part, wouldn’t let me leave.
I cried out when the pain intensified. It built and built until my legs could no longer hold me up. My knees hit the cold floor with enough force to break open the skin even through my pants, but I barely noticed. That was nothing—nothing at all—compared to the fire burning in my stomach and back.
What was happening to me? Was this pain shooting through me because of what I had done? Shame filled me until soon I was nothing but shame and pain, unable to stand on two feet.
I screamed again, clutching tight to my stomach. No matter what else I felt, most demanding was the pain in my stomach. Something was happening to the baby. Something bad.
Chapter 18
I was being punished … punished by whatever forces were at work. Maybe this was what my mother meant when she talked about fate. Fate was punishing me, and rightly so for making Shona's baby die.
Now my baby was going to die, and probably me, too. A warm liquid spread from between my legs, running down my thighs to soak the floor underneath me. Was it blood? Was I dying?
“What's wrong with you?” Doctor Gourini glared down at me. “I know this is tragic, but you need to pull yourself together.”
I willed the muscles in my l
egs to work again—tried to get them to raise me back upright—but they didn't oblige. As the next wave of pain hit, I sprawled face forward, throwing my hands out to catch myself without thought. I couldn't hide the scream entirely.
“Rani,” Doctor Gourini snapped. I felt his fingers close around my upper arm and I felt the harsh tug. There was nothing I could do but stay there on my hands and knees, groaning in pain.
Suddenly, the doctor dropped to the floor next to me, his face close to mine. I lost my balance completely and fell to my side, then to my back.
I stared up at the ceiling, wondering how long it would take to die. I had already lost enough blood; my soaked pants told me that much.
“What is ...” Doctor Gourini's eyes left my face to travel the length of my tense body, resting just where the full bulge of the baby must have been visible. I saw it in the slight widening of his eyes and the way his usually taut mouth slackened.
The only thing I could hope for now was a quick death. I didn't want to live long enough for them to throw me off the watch tower. Although, I thought stupidly, drowning had to be better than this agonizing spasm of cramps.
“She needs to be taken out of here,” Doctor Gourini barked orders at the nurses who had once again stopped to stare, this time at me.
I thought he was talking about Shona until two women appeared on either side of me, each hooking their arms through mine. With amazing strength, I was pulled up to an almost standing position.
“No,” I gasped, trying feebly to fight them off so I could lay back down. As bad as it had been on the floor, off the floor was so much worse. “Please stop.”
“Come on,” one of them urged. She could have been talking to me or she could have just as easily been talking to the other nurse.
Each step sent fire up my legs and into my stomach, but the nurses were beyond any sympathy; they just kept pulling me unwillingly along.
Doctor Gourini was waiting in one of the empty rooms next to a bed that was impossibly high. I really hoped they wouldn't expect me to get up there.
“Put her on the bed,” Doctor Gourini ordered gruffly.
I groaned.
“When I tell you to push,” the doctor continued without mercy, “you need to push as hard as you can.”
Push? Push what? What was he talking about? I barely registered the nurses pulling my pants off after I was on the table. If not for my own agony, I would have been embarrassed. The doctor was right there.
I clenched my teeth tight together, desperately trying to keep my screams inside. It was worse than any pain I'd ever felt, like the baby was trying to claw its way out. And maybe it was.
“Are you ready to push?” I heard the doctor's voice through the haze of my own misery.
“No, I can't!” There was no way the baby could come out of me. I would die in the process.
“You have to,” he replied in a voice that was way too calm.
“I can't!”
“Push!”
“I can’t!” I screeched.
“Do it now!”
“No!” However, even as I screamed, I gathered my strength and pushed harder than I'd ever done anything in my life. It didn't work, though; the baby still didn't come out.
I felt the pressure building, demanding me to try again even before the doctor ordered me to do so.
“Breath through it, Rani.” What did that even mean? My screams became louder than ever as the baby inside tore its way out. Why would any woman ever willingly put themselves through this? They couldn't possibly know this is how it would eventually turn out.
“The baby is crowning!”
I screamed again, unable to tell the difference anymore if I was pushing or not. Only one thought propelled me forward; I wanted this baby out.
“One more push!”
With one last great effort, I gritted my teeth and pushed so hard I was sure my head would explode. There was enormous pressure, and then, just like that, it receded enough to let me breathe again.
My head slammed back against the pillow; my breath coming in great shallow rasps. Uncontrollable tears seeped from the corners of my eyes and slid into the hair that was hanging wildly around my head.
“Is it dead?” I asked in a voice that wasn't my own.
A tiny cry that was quickly gaining volume was my answer. The sound filled the room, echoing off the walls and finding its way into my chest. Such a powerful surge of love and a fierce protection came out of nowhere, unexpected, but no less powerful because of it.
How was it possible to love someone you didn't even know? I didn't have the answer, but I knew without any doubt that I would do whatever I needed to do to keep that small voice safe.
“It's not dead,” Doctor Gourini unnecessarily replied. “He looks healthy enough.”
“He?”
“It's a boy.” The baby continued to cry. “You've had a boy, Rani.”
More tears came to quickly replace the ones I had just wiped away. I had a son. I was a mother now.
Somewhere, in a room not far from my own, another woman cried for the death of her son, while I cried just as hard for the birth of mine. Things weren't always fair in this life.
I stopped trying to wipe away my tears; instead letting the sound of my crying mix with the sounds of my son's crying.
My son.
How strange.
Chapter 19
My eyes popped open with a small jerk. The empty room was strangely dark; there were no windows to give me any kind of clue how long I had slept. My trembling fingers moved slowly down my body to rest at my now flat stomach, where only yesterday a baby had lived.
A baby. My baby. My son.
Where was he now? Had they thrown him from the watch tower? I let my eyes close briefly. I had vowed to protect him and almost immediately fell asleep, leaving him alone. I was an awful person.
Maybe they would wait. Surely they would wait, at least to hear what I had to say. Was Nanny Grace right when she said they would all just assume it was a child of Sid's? If that were the case, they wouldn't do anything to him without at least giving it a little thought.
How long had I been asleep? Maybe I had slept for a few days. If so ... it might already be too late.
I pushed my hair away from my forehead impatiently. Why had they just left me alone in this empty room? Wouldn't they tell me what had happened?
Maybe they wouldn't, though. My eyes widened in the semi-darkness. Maybe they would just expect me to return to my life as normal; pretend that I had never had a baby.
There was a time, long ago—another life time ago—when I would have been glad for such a simple solution. However, not now. Since I had heard his tiny cries, I couldn't just forget that I’d had him.
I couldn't just sit in here and wait, I decided, not when the baby probably needed me. I needed to get to him and figure out what was going to happen. Even if they sent us away ...
I shook my head quickly, determined not to start panicking. I didn't know anything yet, mostly because I was laying in a dark room by myself.
Determined, I pressed both hands into the mattress under me and attempted to push myself up. A shooting pain across my lower stomach made me wince and rethink my efforts. The baby was no longer inside of me, but apparently his exit had not gone unnoticed.
I rocked to one side and then quickly to the other, pulling my hips up as I went. The pain wasn't as sharp this time, although it still left me gasping for breath.
“Okay,” I whispered into the darkness, “I'll just have to take it slow.”
I was fairly confident I would be able to swing my legs over the side of the bed after I got into a sitting position. Then I could use the wall for support and be able to stand up. After that, it was just one foot in front of the other, right?
First, I needed to be able to sit myself up. I rocked to one side again—harder than before—and almost spilled myself onto the floor. Overcorrecting too much had me scrambling to stay up on the other side.
I wanted out of the bed, but that probably wasn't the best way to go about it. I tried to tilt again, but the pain from jerking myself back up made it almost impossible.
Defeated, I lay back with a heavy sigh. Someone would come sooner or later. Maybe Sasha would help him; she’d told me she wouldn't hate him.
Tears that I didn't want to fall burned my eyes and clogged the back of my throat. I couldn't understand why people spent so much time crying. Tears had never helped me with anything. Often, they only made Sid angrier, so now seeing a person crying made me uncomfortable.
Why were my eyes filling with moisture?
It was probably just the pain, I thought desperately. Pain sometimes made people cry. The pain of trying to have the baby was enough to make anyone cry. Oddly, though, that was already starting to become hard to recall.
The small sound of the baby’s cries were now forefront in my mind. They hadn't let me see him before exhaustion took me away from the room, but in those brief moments when I heard him, he sounded ... strong.
A tear slid silently out of my eye and slipped down to get lost in my hair. Shame tried to fill my chest, but I mostly pushed it aside. There wasn't anyone here to see me cry, so maybe just this once it would be okay.
I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath, shaky and shallow, but it still filled my lungs up. Despite all that had happened, I was still able to breath. That had to count for something.
Before I knew it, more tears fell to join those first few. Thoughts of the baby flitted through my mind, making my heart race. Why was I just laying here, crying?
The door opened with a loud click, making me even more ashamed of the tears that had leaked from my over-full eyes. Sasha stood just inside the door, her own eyes suspiciously red rimmed. Had they already sent the baby away?
“You're awake?” she asked quietly, coming forward to stand at the foot of the bed.
I didn't say anything; instead waiting for her to tell me.
“They took the baby to the nursery.” She nodded. “Shona nursed him.”
