by Amy Richie
What could I do for Angelina now? Presently, I was supposed to be caring for Betna anyway. There was a dull sort of ache in my chest when I thought of Angelina downstairs by herself with her head buried in the pillow.
I couldn't imagine losing Dais so early on. Just the thought sent a shiver up my spine.
Across the deck from us, Dais stood alone, leaning over the railing to get a look at the water rushing under us. Despite Constantina's earlier disbelief, maybe Cyrus would see Dais differently than the people of Ortec.
Surely the Captain had seen enough people during his time as a barterman to accept a little boy with white-blond hair. Perhaps Cyrus had faced similar hatred during his life, or had his hair color never interfered? Was it possible that Dais would have a better life now that we had been forced to leave Ortec? Maybe ...
As if he knew I had been thinking of him, Cyrus suddenly joined Dais on the deck. I sat up straighter, straining to hear words that would never be loud enough to carry across deck to me. What were they talking about? Had Cyrus figured out that Dais was his son?
“What are you thinking?” Sasha scooted closer to whisper.
“I was thinking about Dais' future now that things have changed.”
“Things changed when we opened the door to the safe room and found Ortec empty.”
“It feels different now, though,” I muttered, still watching Dais.
“Are you going to tell him?” she lowered her voice further.
“What will become of us once he knows?” My eyebrows lowered on my head. On his ship, we were at his mercy; would he throw us overboard? Even if sharks weren't real, how would we survive in the waters? Who knew how far from any land we were?
“I don't think he'll throw you overboard or anything,” Sasha said, as if she could hear my racing thoughts.
“You don't?”
“Of course not,” her tongue clicked loudly. “The Captain appears to be a fair man, if nothing else. Besides,” she continued in a different tone of voice, “he takes good care of you now, and he doesn't even know the truth.”
I was quickly becoming used to Cyrus' powerful presence constantly watching over me, and I wasn't sure that was a good thing. What would happen when we reached the Nation and he dropped us off with Ike? Cyrus would no longer be able to watch over me then. Did I want him to?
My eyes narrowed again; I wasn't able to come up with an easy answer. Knowing Dais was his son wouldn't change things―except he might take Dais with him, leaving me alone.
“I think I need to tell him the truth,” I concluded out loud. “Dais’ future might be affected.”
“His future? Of course his future will be affected.”
“I'll tell him,” I nodded.
“When?”
“Tonight.” I finally swung my eyes away from Dais and looked back at Sasha.
“Tonight?” She sucked in a quick breath.
“Yes.”
“It's for the best.” She set her lips in a tight line, briefly watching the Captain. “You'll see—it's for the best.”
Chapter 21
I squeezed my eyes shut in the darkness of the room. Everyone was already asleep, and although I had resolved to go out and find Cyrus once they were sleeping, I found my nerve had left me at the last minute.
With a small sigh, I peeled my eyes back open. It was no use putting it off any longer—the time had come to tell Cyrus. If I waited until we got to the Nation, I wasn't sure how long I would get to see Cyrus.
He wouldn't stay with us after we got to the Nation. Ike would decide what would happen to all of us. No—I had to tell him before we got there. I had to tell him tonight.
Careful not to wake anyone, I quickly made my way to the fresh air above deck. Part of me hoped I wouldn't be able to find Captain Cyrus, but that part was shot down almost immediately.
“Rani,” he called out from just a few feet away, as if he had been waiting for me to appear.
“Captain,” I bobbed my head, my heart rushing up to fill my throat.
“I wondered if you would make an appearance tonight.”
Why would he think that? Had he already guessed the truth about Dais? “You did?” I croaked.
“I suspected that you might have a hard time sleeping—after the day you've had,” he nodded solemnly.
“Oh,” my shoulders sagged with temporary relief. “Today was a hard for all of us.”
“I know you are afraid for the fate of the other pregnant woman,” he began, not unkindly, “but there are better medicines on the Nation. Perhaps they will be able to do something for her there.”
“That's what Doctor Gourini said, too.” I fell into easy step beside him as we made our way to a small set of steps where he invited me to sit down.
“How is Angelina?” he asked, towering formidably above me.
I would have rather stood up next to him, but I wasn't sure he wanted me to. “She's very sad, but perhaps time will help her.”
“Time is a great healer,” he agreed with what the others had assured me of all day.
“Perhaps.”
“Shona got better with time, didn't she?” he probed gently.
I jumped a little in my seat, surprised that he had remembered what I had told him before. “Shona?” My focus slid momentarily away from the ship and Captain Cyrus.
“The woman you told me about; the one who lost her baby.”
Yes, I remembered Shona. “She reapplied several times to the population control to have another baby. She was denied because of her age and her record of delivering a non-healthy baby. Two years after ...”
I hesitated, unsure if I should tell him, but then forged ahead anyway. “Two years after she lost her baby, Shona jumped from the watch tower. They never found her body.”
“What?”
“She came often to see Dais. I thought she was getting better, but in the end ...”
He fell silent for so long that I began to wonder if I shouldn't have told him about Shona. The Captain had been trying to make me feel better.
“How did you do it?” he asked suddenly, making me jump again.
“Do what?”
“How did you have a baby by yourself? Wasn't it hard?”
“Some days were hard.”
“Would he ... Dais ... have become the lawman one day? Isn't that how the cities work? Jobs passed from father to son?”
“Sid was never Dais' father, so I doubt he would have become the lawman.” The people of Ortec would never have allowed the boy with white-blond hair to become their lawman.
“What do you mean Sid wasn't the father? Wasn't he your husband? Wait,” a slow disbelieving grin spread across his face, “did you have a boyfriend?”
“No.” My tongue darted out to moisten my suddenly dry lips. “I was on the reserves when ... on the night ... on the night the pirates came.”
His grin vanished.
“I was able to hide the fact that I was pregnant,” I rambled on, unable to stop now that I had started telling him, “right up until the very end. I was more surprised than anyone that my son and I were allowed to stay on Ortec―especially when I told them he wasn't Sid's.”
Cyrus stared at me, not saying anything.
“We stayed in the council building, and they allowed me to keep my post with the doctor. Avery ...”
“What are you saying?” he suddenly cut me off.
“What?”
“Are you trying to say ... am I ... What are you trying to say?”
“When ... when he was born with green eyes—I knew.”
“Knew what? Speak plainly,” his voice rose slightly.
Not able to help myself, I looked up at him. “You are Dais’ father.”
“That is not possible,” he half chuckled.
“I was on the reserves,” I repeated, just in case he needed to be reminded.
“Stop speaking nonsense.”
I clamped my lips together and dropped my eyes at once back to my lap. I knew t
here was a high possibility that Cyrus would be angry when I told him the truth—I even half expected it. Why then, were my eyes burning and a heavy weight was settling in my stomach?
“I should never have returned to Ortec,” he scowled. “I knew it was a mistake.”
Without another word, he turned and walked away—leaving me alone, staring after him.
Chapter 22
The wind had started to pick up and was throwing up chunks of my honey-colored hair and whipping it across my face. Shame welled up inside of me until it spilled over onto my cheeks.
It had been a long time since I had cried, and my tears surprised me when Cyrus left. Was it because he had left angry? People had been angry with me most of my adult life, though, so why should I be upset about Cyrus?
Was it because he had denied Dais? Had I expected something different? I sifted through my swirling thoughts until I found it there—a tiny nugget of truth.
I had thought Cyrus would accept Dais as his son. After talking with Sasha, I had allowed myself to hope that he would want Dais—the unwanted child of Ortec.
Oh well, I tried to shrug off his refusal. We were used to being unwanted. What did it matter what Cyrus thought? We would continue to be all right. I would always want him—at least we had each other.
Not giving myself any more time to feel sorry for myself, I hurried to my feet and started back toward the long room below deck. My determination not to let the Captain's rejection affect me became stronger with each step I took. I had almost convinced my heart to stop aching when a pale figure emerging from below caught my attention.
“Angelina?” I whispered, my eyebrows shooting together. Where was she going? She hadn't moved from her bed the entire day.
“Angelina!” I called out louder. The wind had picked up considerably, so my voice barely carried past my mouth.
She turned away from me and stumbled forward. Whatever she was trying to do, it couldn't be good. Why would she come out at night, especially with a storm brewing?
I hurried forward to catch up to her. “Angelina,” I yelled, grabbing her arm to turn her around. “Angelina, where are you going?”
Her eyes widened, and then narrowed out. “What are you doing out here?” she yelled back.
“Fresh air,” I shrugged. “Do you need something? I can go get you water.”
“I don't want water!”
“What do you want?”
“I want my baby!”
I felt the color drain from my face. “Your baby is gone.”
“Then I want to be gone, too.”
“Just come back in,” I pleaded. “I'll get you some oatmeal with honey.”
“I don't want oatmeal. All we eat is oatmeal. I'm sick to death of it.”
I searched frantically―through my limited cooking skills―for something else I could offer her. “I can make you something else.”
“No, you can't.”
“We should go back before the storm really hits.”
“You go if you're so scared.”
I wasn't leaving her out there by herself.
“I don't want your help,” she screeched. “I never wanted your help. Everyone knows what kind of woman you are.”
“Angelina ...”
“I didn't want you to touch me or my baby.”
I sucked in my bottom lip, waiting. I had heard it all before—many times before.
“It's not fair that your baby lived. He never should have been allowed to live; no one even wanted him.” She ran one hand across her top lip.
I stayed silent.
“We had to apply for three years before we were allowed to have a baby. She was wanted. She was needed. My daughter would have had a place on Ortec. She should have been allowed to live.”
Angelina's daughter wouldn't have had a place on Ortec, though. Maybe at one time her words would have been all true, but it wasn't like that anymore. Now we were all orphans together, and it wasn't my fault her baby was dead.
“You baby died because of the sickness,” I yelled above the wind. “If she had been born eight years ago with Dais—she would have lived, too.”
“Eight years ago I was only fifteen. People don't have babies when they're fifteen.”
I had been married at fifteen, though.
“Just go back to bed, Rani. Pretend you didn't see me.”
“Come back with me.”
“I won't.”
She lunged away from me, stopping only when she reached the railing. Defying the weakness of just having a baby and not eating all day, Angelina had already scrambled halfway onto the railing by the time I reached her.
“Don't do this,” I pleaded, wrapping my arms around her waist in an effort to stop her from getting all the way up.
The ship was already swaying dangerously in the wind. If she fell in ... I shook my head quickly, unwilling to think such disturbing thoughts.
“Leave me alone,” she swung blindly behind her, catching the side of my face with the back of her hand.
Still, I held on. “Angelina, please ...”
“You don't understand the misery I feel. All I need is time?” She took another swing at my face. “I don't need time.”
“Can we just ... can we talk about this? Maybe Doctor Gourini ...”
“No!”
“Stop,” I grunted, my grip slipping with her wild bucking. “You'll hurt yourself.”
“I don't care. I don't want to live anymore. I want my baby.”
“She's gone! Angelina, she's gone. This won't bring her back.”
“You think I don't know that?” she growled, turning so abruptly that I let go of her. “Just go away.” She pushed hard at my chest. “There's nothing you can do to help me!”
Chapter 23
Before I could take a step forward to stop her again, a strong hand shot out of the darkness and pulled me backward. Quinn rushed calmly past me and plucked Angelina away form the railing.
“What are you doing?” she screeched while I hurried to keep up.
Quinn didn't answer, he just kept walking until we reached the small room I had seen once before—the medic room. He deposited her unceremoniously onto the narrow bed.
“You can't just drag me into this room,” Angelina shrilled, chin raised defiantly.
“Rani almost got herself thrown overboard trying to save you,” he responded in a voice that bordered on angry, or at least as angry as I'd ever heard him.
“Who asked her to save me?”
“You can't kill yourself.”
“It's not your decision to make.”
My head swung from one to the other. This was the first time the two had had a direct conversation. It wasn't going well, but at least he had stopped her from jumping.
“I've been there before,” he said, surprising us both.
“What?” Angelina crossed her arms over her chest. “Been where?”
“Ready to jump.”
“Why would you want to jump?” she sniffed.
“Population control sent my wife and son away,” he said in a low voice. I had to lean forward to catch the words. “This is the ship that took her.”
“And ...?”
“She was too weak after giving birth to make any kind of trip; she had a hard time. But they refused to let her wait. The leader claimed there wasn't enough food to keep her alive there.”
“That's ...” Evidently, Angelina was unable to think of the right words either.
“I offered to leave in her place if they would let her stay for a few months, just enough to get her strength back.”
“They still said no?”
Quinn nodded. “We both left with the baby as soon as the bartermen came—just days after my son was born.”
“What happened?” Angelina prompted when he fell silent.
“She wasn't strong enough to make the journey. She died the same day we sailed away. The boy went a few days later.”
My fingers flew up to cover my mouth.
&nb
sp; “I vowed to never leave this ship, and I've been with Cyrus ever since.”
“You wanted to jump?”
“Cyrus stopped me. He told me to wait—to give my heart the time it needed to heal. If I still wanted to jump after a few months, he wouldn't stop me.”
“And,” Angelina sniffed back her tears, “are you saying time healed you?”
“Maybe not completely, but as time passed, I no longer wanted to jump.”
Angelina turned away, not looking at either of us when she said, “I never even got to mourn her.”
“I can perform the ritual,” Quinn offered quietly.
“Do you know how?”
He nodded slowly.
*****
I kneeled next to Angelina, bowed my head, and watched her hair pile up around our knees. I had never believed much in the grieving rituals, but maybe they would help her.
Angelina was no longer sobbing openly, but every few minutes I would glance up at her and see that the tears were still flowing—just silently.
Quinn's hand remained steady, despite the rocking of the ship, while he shaved her long hair off. I had briefly considered doing the ceremony with Angelina, but seeing how I wasn't a blood relative, it wouldn't be appropriate.
“Things are different now,” Quinn finally spoke once her head was smooth. “You have much to say goodbye to.”
Using a small, shiny blade, he made a thin cut on the top of her head and painted the entire—now bald—thing red with her own spilled blood.
“This life is difficult. We're faced with hardships every day. When hard times come, we have no choice but to get up and keep going.”
Angelina slid her hand into mine.
“You can stay here as long as you need to. Then go back and try to sleep. By tomorrow, we'll be able to search Sion. It's the last city on our route.” With a jerky sort of nod, Quinn left us alone on the floor of the medic room.
“What will become of us now?” Angelina asked in a flat little whisper.
“The Nation's leader will find a place for us,” I assured her, my own voice hoarse from staying silent for so long.
