An hour later her cell phone rang and woke her out of a sound sleep.
“Where are you?” Karla asked. “Candie is getting fussy, and I’m running out of ideas to entertain her.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be there as quick as I can.” Sandi scrambled from the bed, smoothed the covers and carried the last few items with her on her way out.
****
Two weeks later, Brett floated out of the locker room. Cloud nine was a cliché, and an inadequate one at that. He was soaring through the heavens, looking down on mere mortals.
He’d made the team!
A sharp stab of disappointment pricked his conscious when he spotted Joe walking toward him. He and the man had grown close over the last few months of work, and practice. Though Joe hadn’t been cut, he hadn’t made the first draft either.
“Congratulations, Brett.” Joe extended his hand.
Brett shook his hand. “Thanks, man. Hope you make the second draft.”
Joe shrugged. “God willing, but thanks.”
Tension buzzed between them. “So…” Brett hesitated.
“Want to have a beer to celebrate?” Joe interjected.
Brett grinned. “I was just about to suggest that, but didn’t know how you felt about drinking.”
Joe laughed. “I believe most things are OK in moderation. Even the Apostle Paul urged Timothy to have a little wine to settle his nerves.”
Brett chuckled. “Yeah, and the first miracle Jesus did was involved water and wine, and at a celebration.”
Two hours later, Brett unlocked the door to his apartment. For the first time in a long time, he wished Sandi were here to share in his excitement. A sharp pang of guilt followed that thought. Unexpected grief welled up in his throat. He sank onto the couch and buried his face in his hands.
What am I doing, Lord?
When the Lord remained silent, Brett decided to give Sandi a call.
“Hi, Brett.” She answered, and all he heard was frustration in her tone and Candie’s pitiful cries in the background.
“What’s the matter with her?” he asked.
“What do you care?” Sandi snapped “You haven’t called much less seen her in weeks.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’ve been busy.”
“Right. Well, I don’t have time to discuss it right now. If there’s not an emergency, I need to go tend to my daughter.” She disconnected the call.
Brett paced the living room. Sandi’s words…no, more than her words, her raw emotions bombarded him until his every fiber screeched with tension overlaid by a thick coat of guilt. What have I done? What am I supposed to do? Questions swirled in his head like a spinning tornado until they erupted with F5 force. In one sweeping motion he divested the coffee table of its contents.
Next came the bookshelves, which landed on the carpeted floor with a resounding thud. Anger spent, he collapsed on the sofa and let the tears come.
****
Sandi gathered Candie into her arms and went into the kitchen to retrieve a cold teething ring and mouth gel to rub on the baby’s gums. When Candie had settled somewhat, Sandi carried her daughter into the bedroom, sank into the rocking chair and let the tears come. Soft sobs shook her entire frame. Not wanting Karla to hear, she turned on the music box which hung on Candie’s bed, and then buried her face into the blanket cocooning her daughter. When the tears ran out and Candie lay asleep, Sandi rose from the chair and placed the baby in her bed then went into the bathroom to wash her face.
In the weeks since she’d left Brett, her life had taken a turn, many turns, for the better. Until today.
Today she came home from her classes to find Karla in an uproar and Candie an emotional mess. Distraught at the sight of her daughter’s runny nose and tear drenched eyes, she’d verbally attacked her cousin. Her heart cringed at the memory of angry words hurled between them. Sandi splashed her face again and left the sanctuary of her bedroom to find Karla and apologize. She found her in the den.
“Hey, Karls.”
Karla looked up from her desk and the anguish in her eyes ripped at Sandi’s heart.
“I’m so sorry to blow up at you the way I did,” Sandi said.
Tears filled her cousin’s eyes, but she blinked them back and shrugged. “We’re bound to have blowups. I’m not used to having a baby around and am clueless on how to take care of her when she’s sick or upset.”
“I know that and should have been more understanding. I so appreciate all you’ve done, are doing for us. I can find a place of my own if you wish.”
Anger leapt to life in Karla’s midnight eyes. “Did I say I wanted you to do that?”
Sandi shook her head. “No, but…” her words trailed off at Karla’s indignant snort.
“Then don’t be stupid.”
Sharp pinpricks of emotion stabbed through Sandi. “I am not stupid! I’m trying to be considerate. This is your home, your sanctuary, and although I appreciate everything you’ve done, I’m willing to honor that and get out of your space.”
Karla rose, stepped away from the desk. “I invited you here because I love you and want to help you get on your feet. The last thing you need to worry about right now is the responsibility of an apartment, utilities, and all the other stuff that goes along with it. Since you refuse to make Brett help out financially, and the jerk hasn’t offered an hour of his time much less a dime of his money, you’d have to get a job along with classes and Candie, and that’s just too much for anyone to bear alone. Besides, it’s my space, and I’ll use it as I see fit.”
Sandi backed away from the anger and frustration in Karla’s tone. “OK. Thank you. I love and appreciate this, Karls, but I have to ask why you’re so angry.”
“Because you’re letting him get away with this bull! Candie is Brett’s daughter, too. He should take some responsibility. You’ve spent the last three years of your life paying for your sin while he goes on and on about his dream, his life, his sacrifices. What about you and your sacrifices? What about your dreams? He has no clue what a prize he’s got in you, and you refuse to honor yourself enough to stand up and make him see that.”
“What do you suggest I do?”
A low growl sounded in Karla’s throat. “Ask him for help, get a lawyer, file for divorce. I don’t care what you do, just do something and stop taking it all on yourself as if you somehow deserve to be treated this way.” She turned away and stomped back to plop into her chair behind the desk.
“Now I’ve got work to do,” she said, picked up a pencil and put an end to the confrontation.
Sandi escaped into the bathroom, ran a tubful of water, and added a liberal amount of bubble crystals. The light of truth in Karla’s words pierced Sandi’s heart and shone on so many feelings. Emotions bombarded her—shame, anger, fear, guilt and an awful sense of inadequacy. Voices rose in her mind. She’s right. But I love him. We did it all wrong, we have no right to be happy or fulfilled! It’s all my fault, if only I hadn’t….
The litany of her failures went on and on until Sandi had to force down the hot surge of bile in her throat. She swallowed hard, took a mental step back and fought the urge to flee and to escape into the bliss of subconscious acceptance, unconscious complacency. Years of conditioning rose to the surface. Don’t rock the boat. You made your bed now lie in it. Sometimes your best just isn’t good enough…
The thoughts continued until panic galloped through her veins. Her mind took a quick trip down memory lane through Karla’s and her own childhood. They’d been raised in similar households whose circumstances mirrored each other. Why then had Karla succeeded and she settled?
A scene emerged in her mind, and all the feelings associated with the incident. Embarrassment, humiliation, and that sickening sensation in the pit of her stomach reminded Sandi of the moment she’d given in to the doubts that had plagued her entire life. The tears started. A sob rose in her throat. Sandi turned, folded her arms on the side of the tub and wept. When the emotions were sp
ent and the water tepid, she rose from the bath, dried off and dressed into her pajamas. A quick check confirmed Candie was fine and sound asleep.
Sandi switched on the baby monitor and took the receiver with her into the den where Karla was still working. “Hey, Karls.”
Karla’s head snapped up, eyes narrowed. “What’s wrong now?”
Sandi blinked at the fresh deluge of tears. “I remembered what happened to make me feel so inadequate and unworthy.”
Karla put down her pencil, pushed back from the desk and rose to enfold Sandi in her embrace. “Want to talk about it?”
Sandi shook her head. “Not really. Not right now anyway. I just don’t know what to do to change the way I feel. It’s been buried so long. I mean, I thought I’d forgiven and gotten past it, but evidently not.”
“Is it something so traumatic you might need counseling?”
Sandi took a deep breath and recalled that moment in time, allowed every gesture and nuance to replay to its fullest. “I believe I can work on it myself. I just don’t know where to start. Any suggestions?”
“Tell you what I do to work through every negative thing that happens to me. I pray, meditate and journal. Then there’s mirror work and affirmations.”
Sandi frowned. “Huh?”
Karla kept her arm around Sandi, led her over to the couch, and sat with her. “I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery for several years now, and these are all tools for intense spiritual and emotional healing. Each has its own unique benefit but when you combine them, the results can be amazing. It’s not easy because you have to be brutally honest with yourself and work through all of the negative emotions buried in your mind, but, Sandi, the peace and wholeness you’ll gain are well worth the efforts.”
Sandi frowned. “Sounds like some kind of new age woo-woo.”
Karla laughed. “I guess some would call it that, but what it really is, is a mixture of faith, and psychology. And what’s so great is you can do it yourself, and it costs you nothing. Now I’m not saying at some point you won’t be better off working with a trained therapist, but this is a great way to open up to the Holy Spirit and embrace the spiritual gifts within you.
Sandi took a deep breath, closed her eyes and sent a quick prayer heavenward then listened to her heart. “I’m ready.”
“Great! OK, the first thing I always do is pray.”
She took both of Sandi’s hands in hers and bowed her head. “Father, we come to you this evening and ask that You look upon our intentions for emotional healing and self-growth. Bless them, Lord Jesus and show us the way. May we seek truth only, because Your Word says that when we know the truth, the truth will set us free. Sandi desires to be free from all past emotional, physical and spiritual traumas; free from all negative mindsets or half-truths she’s been indoctrinated to believe, and totally free to love, honor and worship You completely and unconditionally in spirit and in truth. She desires to be set free from all guilt and shame associated with those traumas, to accept, receive and offer forgiveness where it is needed, and to emerge with a clear purpose for her life. Your purpose, Lord, not the plans of men. Please bring to light any fears she has and cleanse them away with the awesome power of Your love.”
She squeezed Sandi’s hands, glanced up. “Is there anything you’d like to add?”
Sandi shook her head.
Karla closed her eyes and bowed her head once more. “Thank You, Lord, for guiding us and for sending Your angels to encamp around us during our sessions. May only those of the highest caliber and deepest love enter into our sacred meetings and may Your Holy Spirit preside over us at all times. We ask this in Jesus’ Name. Amen.”
“Amen,” Sandi chorused and heaved a sigh when a tangible sense of peace and purpose filled the room and enveloped her entire being. “Wow, I’ve never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly before.”
“When you invite God in and ask for His help, and the help of His angels, He, and they, will always show up.”
“I’d love to feel this every time I pray.”
“Well, God always gives us what we need when we need it. You may not always feel this way every time you pray, but He’s there every time, regardless, and He lets us feel that consolation when we need it the most.”
“So what do I do?” Sandi asked.
Karla rose from the couch, walked over to her desk, opened a drawer and withdrew a pretty spiral bound book. She prayed over it then brought it back and placed it and a pen in Sandi’s hands. “This is a journal. I want you to record everything you think and feel before, during and after our prayer meetings. Write whatever comes to you. Good, bad, it makes no difference. This will give you insight to the healing God has for you. This is your prayer journal. You do not have to tell or show me anything. I won’t read it without your permission. But our time together with each other and God will bring clarity and inspiration on specific things, messages and actions you will need to take. The only thing I ask is that you honestly commit to listening and obeying.”
“I promise,” Sandi said.
Karla nodded then hugged her. “OK your first assignment is to go into a quiet place, put on some soft music if you want, and just sit in God’s presence. The sunroom would be perfect, but you can go into my bedroom or the breakfast nook or wherever you feel led. Invite the Holy Spirit into the room or space with you. You may feel intense emotions or a change in the atmosphere, don’t let that frighten you. For tonight, don’t ask any questions or seek guidance. Just open up to the holy Trinity and feel the love God has for you. If you are prompted to write, do so without thinking about, or judging, what you’re writing. If not, don’t try to force that. It’ll come. Leave the baby monitor here.”
Sandi handed the monitor to Karla, took the journal and pen and retired into the tiny room off the kitchen which led into the back yard. A huge, full moon hung like a shining pearl in the velvet sky and filled the room with a soft, luminescent glow. Sandi gazed around in amazement. She’d walked through this room a hundred times in the last few weeks, but never really saw the beauty within the glass-encased walls.
An indoor tropical paradise. The thought popped into her mind and her spirit leapt with joy. Placed in strategic spots to absorb the perfect amount of sunlight to meet each individual need, plants filled the room and perfumed the air. A futon graced one wall, its cushions thick and plush. A bookcase overflowed with literature. Volumes of spiritual texts spilled over onto shelves, tables and window ledges. Filled with candles, prayer books, crosses and angels, a tiny table graced one corner and a huge pillow invited one to sit or kneel before the memorial to God.
Sandi lowered herself onto the soft pad, placed the journal on a corner of the altar, lit a candle and prayed. Oh, Lord, heavenly Father, I come before You now and open my mind to receive Your instruction, my heart to receive Your grace and my life to receive Your Holy Spirit. Hold me, help me, and guide me. In Jesus’ name I pray.
She knelt as long as she could and then sat and settled herself to wait until she felt that her meeting with God was over. Before long warmth enveloped the room and words began to form in her mind…. Peace, joy, happiness, wholeness. Tiny pinpricks of energy surged through her until her entire being hummed with sensation and the words became more than what she heard but something she felt, something she experienced.
Emotion welled in her heart, filled her throat and poured from her eyes until she lay spent and exhausted but totally steeped in love—saturated, replete, in the deepest, purest, most honest sense of love she’d ever imagined, but never felt. When the intensity lifted, Sandi understood she’d experienced a divine encounter with the lover of her soul. With quiet reverence she rose, blew out the candle and took the journal to her bedroom. She checked on Candie, climbed into the bed, turned on the lamp, opened the book and wrote….
Words can’t describe the intensity of what happened so let me just say that tonight I felt, no, experienced, God’s love in a way I never dreamed possible. He became
more real to me than ever before and for the first time in my life, I know, truly know, in my heart of hearts and from the depths of my spirit, that I am loved.
She laid the journal on the bedside table, turned off the light, and descended into the deepest slumber of her life.
****
Exhausted and emotionally drained, Brett prayed while cleaning up. His life story played like a movie in his head. Trials and triumphs, successes and failures, mistakes and miracles flashed on the screen of his memory until for once in his life, Brett faced the truth about himself and his selfish nature.
Acceptance was a hard pill to swallow, but he forced it down with a dose of humility and a prayer for forgiveness and guidance.
God help me, he prayed and then picked up his phone and hit the button to dial Sandi’s number. After a couple of rings, the call went straight to voice mail. He hung up without leaving a message then scrolled through his contact list until he found Karla’s number, hesitated, then hit the call button.
“Hello.”
She sounded anything but friendly or welcoming.
“Hey, Karla, it’s Brett.”
“I know who it is. What do you want?”
The ice in her voice pierced his conscience. “I tried to reach Sandi but couldn’t. Is she around?”
“She’s sleeping. I imagine after the day she had, she shut the phone off so both she and Candie could get a decent night’s sleep.”
“Oh.” Brett closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and swallowed pride and fear. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not the one you should apologize to.”
“Yes you are, and I am. I’ll apologize to Sandi, too.”
“Well at least it’s a start.”
His heart lightened at the grudging respect in her voice.
“Thanks for all you’re doing for them, Karls. I realized tonight I have a lot of work to do, and it’ll probably take some time to figure out what’s next, but I want you to know I honestly do appreciate you.”
Love in Season Page 6
