“Your brother isn’t the most talkative person in the world.”
She broke down the signs. She said that when guys want to talk a lot, that usually meant something.
“But most of the time they don’t ever say what they mean.”
I nodded, even though I didn’t know how that worked. She meant that they will talk a lot about things without actually saying what is important to them: which is being in love with you. And that’s because boys don’t cry.
“Yes they do. I’ve seen Marxy cry. And Gert.”
“Yeah, but think about how pissed Gert gets when you see him cry. Guys aren’t supposed to cry, or show emotions like that, or be too sad. It’s a gender thing.”
I asked what she meant by “a gender thing.” She said that people expect men and women to behave in certain ways. Guys are supposed to be serious all the time, not showing emotions, and women are supposed to be more emotional and like pink and flowers.
“What about Valkyries?” I asked.
“A noted exception. There just aren’t a lot of Valkyries out there, Zee.”
“So if a guy shows you a lot of attention, and you hang out all the time, and he tells you personal things, it usually means he likes you.”
We sat by the computer in my room, AK47 in the spinning chair and me on the bed.
The Internet browser popped up. She did some clicking and turned down the volume on the computer. “In case it’s loud right off the bat,” she said. “The Internet, as you’re aware, is a disgusting, perverted place, Zee. Which is part of what makes it so good.”
She turned the computer monitor so we didn’t have the light from the window shining right on it.
We went to a page with a black background and a woman in her underwear looking at the screen. She was sucking on her finger like it was a lollipop. AK47 took the mouse arrow on the screen and made it go right over the AT LEAST 18 box. She waited before clicking.
“Okay, so bottom line is that pornography isn’t what real sex is like. At least, not completely.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Think of it as more of a fantasy. Or dream. Things that we imagine in our minds and aren’t sure we want to do, or can’t do.”
“Fantasy,” I said, and gave her my notebook and she wrote the word down for me to add to the Word of Today list, even though I was pretty sure I had heard the word before.
“People get aroused, like turned on,” she started saying.
I knew what she was talking about. “Like lightbulbs,” I said, “only on the inside.”
“Right. And for men that involves the penis getting filled with blood and it makes it really hard. Here.” She started clicking on the porno page, and then turned to me. “Actually, forget porn. Get me a carrot or a cucumber or something,” she said to me. “Condom use should be lesson one.”
She went into Gert’s room and came back with a condom, and I went to the kitchen and brought a carrot.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s do this.”
AK47 started telling me about babies, and why it is important when having sex to make sure you are safe. When someone doesn’t want a baby, they can have an abortion, which means stopping the baby from coming out.
“It’s actually not a baby at that point,” AK47 said. She chewed her gum.
“And Gert thinks it is and was angry when you got an abortion and that was part of why you broke up,” I said.
AK47 laughed and shook her head. “You have a way with words, Zee.”
I asked her why she didn’t want the baby. “I think you would make powerful parents.”
AK47 shook her head. “Why would I want a baby? We can barely get through life without the added stress of having a family. Neither of us makes a lot of money.”
“You needed to wear more condoms, then,” I said.
“Too true.”
One of the things that AK47 told me was that sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes the condoms will rip accidentally and the woman will get pregnant that way.
She held up the condom package.
“So first, you need to make sure it’s not expired. Look at the date.” We checked the date on the wrapper, written down the side. “Make sure it hasn’t been popped or is open. So give it a little squeeze. Now, really important—when you open the condom, do not, I repeat, do not use your teeth. Comprende?”
“Why not?”
“You don’t want to tear the condom inside, or cut it open with your teeth. You tear it open in the corner—here.” She held the golden condom package on the corner and pretended to open it. “Do you want to give it a try?”
I took the condom from her and held it the way she held it.
“Good. Now, if you actually want to open it, I can show you how to put it on.”
I opened the condom and then she handed me the carrot. She showed me how to tell which way the condom was supposed to unroll, and how to pinch the tip of the condom so that it doesn’t pop while inside. She got more condoms from Gert’s room and together we put four condoms on the carrot.
One of the condoms she had was supposed to taste good, and when AK47 was talking I licked the condom and it did taste good, like strawberries.
“Dude,” AK47 said. “So gross.” She sorted through the condoms and found one she liked. “This one’s my personal favorite.” She ripped my strawberry condom off of the carrot and put on a condom that had weird shapes running along the side. “Ribbed for her pleasure. This is the king of condoms. Go on. See those ribs on the side? Those really make it feel good.”
I took the carrot and felt up and down. “How does this feel good?”
“This one might be a case of you having to take my word for it.” She laughed and peeled it off. “Jesus Christ, replacing these is going to cost a fortune.”
Once we were done with the condoms, we watched many videos, with AK47 telling me when things were unrealistic. For example, when the man picked up a woman, who was much smaller, and held her upside down.
“Nobody does that,” AK47 said.
“They’re doing it.”
“Yeah, but they’re making a crazy movie on the Internet.”
“And she has no hair underneath her underwear.”
“That’s a matter of personal preference. Some people like shaving down there. Some people go all natural.”
“Got it. Does sex always start with the woman taking off his pants and underwear? Are those the rules?”
“No.” AK47 clicked the mouse and paused the video. “This is very important. Sex is what you want it to be. Some people like different things. But you should only do what feels good for you. Not what some goddamn video says.” She clicked the mouse again and the sex continued. “You make your own rules.”
I blinked. That was not how rules worked, I thought. I asked AK47 what happened when there are no rules.
“Zelda, honey, I know you and Gert have rules, and I know why they’re important. They help you feel safe. But one thing I know for sure is that the world is too complicated to have rules for everything. And when it comes to things like love and sex—you need to kind of figure them out on your own.”
* * *
I decided to text Marxy and ask him when he wanted to have sex. We had been talking about sex for a while and now it was time to make our plans official.
I sent him a text that said, When do you want to have sex?
After three minutes he texted back: I will have to check my calendar and also with my mom. When do you want to have sex?
I told him that I had to check my calendar too. Do you have to check with her?
If it’s on the calendar, I won’t forget, he said. She’s the one who puts things on the calendar so I don’t forget.
He sent three smiling faces and also one that was upside down but still smiling.
* * *
I realized that there was a lot of planning to do. For example, where do people who live with their brothers and mothers have sex?
Th
e next morning I asked AK47 if she could give me advice. Gert was in the shower so we didn’t have to worry about him overhearing. We brought over our bowls of cereal to the table and she asked me what was up.
“I’d like to have sex with Marxy but I don’t know where to do it.”
She scooped up cereal into her spoon. “We should talk to Pearl first.”
“Marxy is already asking her. We texted and he will put it on the calendar, once we have a date. But I realized we need a place to have sex.”
“That isn’t the backseat of a Camaro,” she said. I asked what a Camaro was and she said nevermind. “Let me see what I can cook up. Maybe Pearl’ll have an idea.”
Gert came into the room, wearing a towel around his waist.
“An idea about what?” he asked.
“You’re dripping all over the floor, you fool,” AK47 said.
He wiped his face and told her to put on coffee, and before going to put on some clothes he said, “And who has a Camaro?”
AK47 got up to turn the coffeemaker on and on the way slapped Gert’s butt. “Nobody has a Camaro. Now get out of here.”
chapter nineteen
AK47 told me she had taken care of a place to have sex. She had talked to Pearl and they had a plan. The date was on Marxy’s calendar and I put it on mine, with a star. All week I could not stop thinking about Marxy. I was nervous and excited at the same time, and they were very similar things to feel. Carol said that I was acting weird and when I told her why she smiled and put her hand on my shoulder and said it was amazing.
“I remember my first time,” she said. “It was not ideal.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“We just had no idea what we were doing, that’s all. Fumbling around and all that.” She sighed. “Johnny Tannenbaum. I still remember his name.”
“Was he handsome?”
Carol laughed. “The bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. But he was a good half a foot shorter than me.”
Since Marxy is taller than me, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.
Whenever I had a chance, I studied pictures from a book in the library called The Joy of Sex, which people always looked at in secret. It was filled with naked drawings and a lot of the pages were ripped out. Carol said that people liked to masturbate to the pictures. All the people in them looked happy and beautiful, and unlike the porno videos, they all had hair still around their penises and vaginas. And there was even armpit hair in the women’s armpits.
I made sure that Carol did not see me reading The Joy of Sex.
One day that week I saw Hendo at the library and really did not want him to see me reading The Joy of Sex, so I hid it under a book on the cart and tried to push the cart past him. It was the first time I had seen him in the library without Artem and he saw me before I could push by.
“Hey, Lucky,” he said. “What’s happening?”
“I’m just working,” I said. I asked him what he was doing in the library, since it was not Sunday.
He shrugged. “I had some time to kill, so I thought I’d do some reading.” He held up the magazine he was looking at. It was about basketball and he did not have the newest issue.
I shook my head. “We have the new one in the back. I’ll get it for you.”
When I came back with the new basketball magazine, he was reading The Joy of Sex, which I had left on the cart. My face got red.
“Man, look at this,” he said, laughing, turning the pages.
I looked and he was pointing at the armpit hair. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing,” Hendo said. “I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing.” And he laughed again.
Most of the women in the porno movies shaved their armpit hair and the hair above their vaginas. Hendo turned the pages and laughed and I asked him if he was into armpit hair.
“Not really. I like women to be smooth, you know?”
I nodded. He handed the book back to me and took the new basketball magazine. “More respectable reading material,” he said, and thanked me and started reading.
After I pushed the cart away, I texted Marxy and asked if he liked armpit hair or not.
BECAUSE I CAN SHAVE MY ARMPITS OR LEAVE THE HAIR.
And he responded:
I DO NOT CARE IF THERE IS HAIR IN YOUR ARMPITS!
* * *
After my shift I was waiting for the bus. It was rainy and the bus was late. There were so many people waiting in the bus shelter to hide from the rain that I only fit halfway in. One side of me was getting wet and the other side was staying dry.
I did not want to go all the way inside because I do not like being surrounded by so many strangers. I also did not want to wait outside because of the rain.
“There’s plenty of room, honey,” a woman said.
I took another step inside. That was as far as I could go.
And then the bus came and it was too full and did not even stop.
“Come on,” the woman said, bumping into me.
Everyone went back into the bus stop and I went and stood with one foot inside and the other foot out again.
That was when a car pulled up and the window rolled down. It was Hendo. He asked if I wanted a lift. “I’ll be going right by your neighborhood.”
“Really?”
Someone from the bus shelter asked if she could get a lift too. “Nice try,” he said, unlocking the door and pushing it open. “Hop in, Lucky.”
The seats were warm when I got in. Hendo said the car was pretty new and the seat warmers were good in winter. “Or rainstorms.”
“Do you need my address?”
“Naw, I’ve been there before.”
He drove away and as he did the woman in the bus shelter, the one who asked if she could come, gave Hendo the finger. He laughed and turned on the music and the bass.
“When were you over at our house?”
“Huh?” He turned down the volume. “Oh. Once or twice.”
“With Toucan?”
“Yeah. Do you mind?” He held up a cigarette. I said he could smoke if he wanted to, since it was his car. “Cool. Didn’t want to be an asshole.” He blew smoke out of the window. “Haven’t seen Gert around very much. How’s he been?”
“He got kicked out of school, but now he’s going back.”
“Didn’t even know he was in school. Right on. What’s he studying?”
“Economics, I think.”
Hendo took another puff of his cigarette. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“Huh.” We kept driving. “I guess that’s why he’s tight with Toucan. Good with money.”
I told him that he was not tight with Toucan anymore, not since AK47 said he couldn’t hang out with gangbangers. “She thinks Toucan is a gangbanger.”
Hendo laughed. “Gangbanger. Sounds like a porno.”
I did not laugh. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing. It was a dumb joke. Nevermind.”
Hendo said he needed to make a stop. “Got to deliver this,” he said, reaching to the backseat and bringing out a stuffed giraffe. “It’s Artem’s birthday in a few days and I’m probably not going to be at the party. Little guy loves giraffes. He’s goddamn crazy about them.” He gave me the giraffe to hold. “Pretty cool, huh?”
“Giraffes can clean their own ears with their tongue,” I said.
“Really?”
“I read it in National Geographic.”
We drove to his neighborhood, which wasn’t far from our neighborhood. I tried to make a map in my brain of where it was.
He did not turn the engine off when he parked the car. The rain had stopped.
“If I leave it running, you’re not going to steal my car, are you?”
“No,” I said.
He got out and ran into one of the houses.
It was the first time I was alone in his car. I looked around it. His glove box wasn’t locked and when I opened it a bunch of papers and garbage fell out. I started putting all of i
t back as fast as I could when I saw that Hendo was already coming out of the house.
He got into the car and I said, “Sorry, it just opened,” meaning the glove box and the garbage, but Hendo was already trying to put the car in gear.
His Baby Mama came out of the house and started running toward the car.
“Shit,” Hendo said. “Get down.” He pushed my head down so I sank back into the seat. “Pretend you’re not there.”
I tried to hide myself like he said. He got out and shut the door, and I could hear them shouting on the other side of the window.
“I told you,” he said. “I have to work.”
“Work?” the Baby Mama said. Her voice was loud. “I can see her.” She knocked on the door and said, “I can see you. Hello? I’m not blind.”
Hendo opened the door and told me I could sit up. “I have to take care of this. Hold on.”
I sat up again, since she had already seen me.
She pointed at me while they argued. Another woman came out of the house, carrying Artem. The second woman brought the baby to Hendo, who took the baby in his arms and kept holding him while all three of them continued fighting.
The second woman walked up to the car, toward my window. She looked villainous and I pushed down the lock, which was a smart thing to do, since she tried to open the door. She was shouting and calling me a “slut” and other names that AK47 would not like me to repeat.
“Go away!” I shouted at her. She punched the window and I punched the window, until it was like a drum being played on both sides.
Hendo handed the baby to the Baby Mama and ran and stood between her and the window. That was when she started punching him, on his chest, and he held her hands and then, out of nowhere, there was no punching, just hugging. He had his arms around her and her face was in his chest, her hair going all around his shoulders until her face was buried in him.
He went inside and came out. He started the car.
“Sorry about that. She thinks you’re my new girlfriend. She always gets jealous whenever I’m seeing someone new. It’s why I try to avoid her at all costs.”
When We Were Vikings Page 16
