by Mark Twain
CHAPTER XXV.
THE news was all over town in two minutes, and you could see the peopletearing down on the run from every which way, some of them putting ontheir coats as they come. Pretty soon we was in the middle of a crowd,and the noise of the tramping was like a soldier march. The windows anddooryards was full; and every minute somebody would say, over a fence:
"Is it THEM?"
And somebody trotting along with the gang would answer back and say:
"You bet it is."
When we got to the house the street in front of it was packed, and thethree girls was standing in the door. Mary Jane WAS red-headed, but thatdon't make no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and her face andher eyes was all lit up like glory, she was so glad her uncles was come.The king he spread his arms, and Mary Jane she jumped for them, and thehare-lip jumped for the duke, and there they HAD it! Everybody most,leastways women, cried for joy to see them meet again at last and havesuch good times.
Then the king he hunched the duke private--I see him do it--and then helooked around and see the coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; sothen him and the duke, with a hand across each other's shoulder, andt'other hand to their eyes, walked slow and solemn over there, everybodydropping back to give them room, and all the talk and noise stopping,people saying "Sh!" and all the men taking their hats off and droopingtheir heads, so you could a heard a pin fall. And when they got therethey bent over and looked in the coffin, and took one sight, and thenthey bust out a-crying so you could a heard them to Orleans, most; andthen they put their arms around each other's necks, and hung their chinsover each other's shoulders; and then for three minutes, or maybe four, Inever see two men leak the way they done. And, mind you, everybody wasdoing the same; and the place was that damp I never see anything like it.Then one of them got on one side of the coffin, and t'other on t'otherside, and they kneeled down and rested their foreheads on the coffin, andlet on to pray all to themselves. Well, when it come to that it workedthe crowd like you never see anything like it, and everybody broke downand went to sobbing right out loud--the poor girls, too; and every woman,nearly, went up to the girls, without saying a word, and kissed them,solemn, on the forehead, and then put their hand on their head, andlooked up towards the sky, with the tears running down, and then bustedout and went off sobbing and swabbing, and give the next woman a show. Inever see anything so disgusting.
Well, by and by the king he gets up and comes forward a little, and workshimself up and slobbers out a speech, all full of tears and flapdoodleabout its being a sore trial for him and his poor brother to lose thediseased, and to miss seeing diseased alive after the long journey offour thousand mile, but it's a trial that's sweetened and sanctified tous by this dear sympathy and these holy tears, and so he thanks them outof his heart and out of his brother's heart, because out of their mouthsthey can't, words being too weak and cold, and all that kind of rot andslush, till it was just sickening; and then he blubbers out a piousgoody-goody Amen, and turns himself loose and goes to crying fit to bust.
And the minute the words were out of his mouth somebody over in the crowdstruck up the doxolojer, and everybody joined in with all their might,and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as church lettingout. Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash Inever see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully.
Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says how him and hisnieces would be glad if a few of the main principal friends of the familywould take supper here with them this evening, and help set up with theashes of the diseased; and says if his poor brother laying yonder couldspeak he knows who he would name, for they was names that was very dearto him, and mentioned often in his letters; and so he will name the same,to wit, as follows, vizz.:--Rev. Mr. Hobson, and Deacon Lot Hovey, andMr. Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and Dr. Robinson,and their wives, and the widow Bartley.
Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town a-huntingtogether--that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t'otherworld, and the preacher was pinting him right. Lawyer Bell was away upto Louisville on business. But the rest was on hand, and so they allcome and shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; andthen they shook hands with the duke and didn't say nothing, but just kepta-smiling and bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilst hemade all sorts of signs with his hands and said "Goo-goo--goo-goo-goo"all the time, like a baby that can't talk.
So the king he blattered along, and managed to inquire about pretty mucheverybody and dog in town, by his name, and mentioned all sorts of littlethings that happened one time or another in the town, or to George'sfamily, or to Peter. And he always let on that Peter wrote him thethings; but that was a lie: he got every blessed one of them out of thatyoung flathead that we canoed up to the steamboat.
Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father left behind, and theking he read it out loud and cried over it. It give the dwelling-houseand three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyard(which was doing a good business), along with some other houses and land(worth about seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold toHarvey and William, and told where the six thousand cash was hid downcellar. So these two frauds said they'd go and fetch it up, and haveeverything square and above-board; and told me to come with a candle. Weshut the cellar door behind us, and when they found the bag they spilt itout on the floor, and it was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boys. My,the way the king's eyes did shine! He slaps the duke on the shoulder andsays:
"Oh, THIS ain't bully nor noth'n! Oh, no, I reckon not! Why, Billy, itbeats the Nonesuch, DON'T it?"
The duke allowed it did. They pawed the yaller-boys, and sifted themthrough their fingers and let them jingle down on the floor; and the kingsays:
"It ain't no use talkin'; bein' brothers to a rich dead man andrepresentatives of furrin heirs that's got left is the line for you andme, Bilge. Thish yer comes of trust'n to Providence. It's the best way,in the long run. I've tried 'em all, and ther' ain't no better way."
Most everybody would a been satisfied with the pile, and took it ontrust; but no, they must count it. So they counts it, and it comes outfour hundred and fifteen dollars short. Says the king:
"Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four hundred and fifteendollars?"
They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all around for it. Then theduke says:
"Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake--I reckonthat's the way of it. The best way's to let it go, and keep still aboutit. We can spare it."
"Oh, shucks, yes, we can SPARE it. I don't k'yer noth'n 'bout that--it'sthe COUNT I'm thinkin' about. We want to be awful square and open andabove-board here, you know. We want to lug this h-yer money up stairsand count it before everybody--then ther' ain't noth'n suspicious. Butwhen the dead man says ther's six thous'n dollars, you know, we don'twant to--"
"Hold on," says the duke. "Le's make up the deffisit," and he begun tohaul out yaller-boys out of his pocket.
"It's a most amaz'n' good idea, duke--you HAVE got a rattlin' clever headon you," says the king. "Blest if the old Nonesuch ain't a heppin' usout agin," and HE begun to haul out yaller-jackets and stack them up.
It most busted them, but they made up the six thousand clean and clear.
"Say," says the duke, "I got another idea. Le's go up stairs and countthis money, and then take and GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS."
"Good land, duke, lemme hug you! It's the most dazzling idea 'at ever aman struck. You have cert'nly got the most astonishin' head I ever see.Oh, this is the boss dodge, ther' ain't no mistake 'bout it. Let 'emfetch along their suspicions now if they want to--this 'll lay 'em out."
When we got up-stairs everybody gethered around the table, and the kinghe counted it and stacked it up, three hundred dollars in a pile--twentyelegant little piles. Everybody looked hungry at it, and licked theirchops. Then they ra
ked it into the bag again, and I see the king beginto swell himself up for another speech. He says:
"Friends all, my poor brother that lays yonder has done generous by themthat's left behind in the vale of sorrers. He has done generous by theseyer poor little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that's leftfatherless and motherless. Yes, and we that knowed him knows that hewould a done MORE generous by 'em if he hadn't ben afeard o' woundin' hisdear William and me. Now, WOULDN'T he? Ther' ain't no question 'bout itin MY mind. Well, then, what kind o' brothers would it be that 'd standin his way at sech a time? And what kind o' uncles would it be that 'drob--yes, ROB--sech poor sweet lambs as these 'at he loved so at sech atime? If I know William--and I THINK I do--he--well, I'll jest ask him."He turns around and begins to make a lot of signs to the duke with hishands, and the duke he looks at him stupid and leather-headed a while;then all of a sudden he seems to catch his meaning, and jumps for theking, goo-gooing with all his might for joy, and hugs him about fifteentimes before he lets up. Then the king says, "I knowed it; I reckon THAT'll convince anybody the way HE feels about it. Here, Mary Jane, Susan,Joanner, take the money--take it ALL. It's the gift of him that laysyonder, cold but joyful."
Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lip went for the duke, andthen such another hugging and kissing I never see yet. And everybodycrowded up with the tears in their eyes, and most shook the hands off ofthem frauds, saying all the time:
"You DEAR good souls!--how LOVELY!--how COULD you!"
Well, then, pretty soon all hands got to talking about the diseasedagain, and how good he was, and what a loss he was, and all that; andbefore long a big iron-jawed man worked himself in there from outside,and stood a-listening and looking, and not saying anything; and nobodysaying anything to him either, because the king was talking and they wasall busy listening. The king was saying--in the middle of something he'dstarted in on--
"--they bein' partickler friends o' the diseased. That's why they'reinvited here this evenin'; but tomorrow we want ALL to come--everybody;for he respected everybody, he liked everybody, and so it's fitten thathis funeral orgies sh'd be public."
And so he went a-mooning on and on, liking to hear himself talk, andevery little while he fetched in his funeral orgies again, till the dukehe couldn't stand it no more; so he writes on a little scrap of paper,"OBSEQUIES, you old fool," and folds it up, and goes to goo-gooing andreaching it over people's heads to him. The king he reads it and puts itin his pocket, and says:
"Poor William, afflicted as he is, his HEART'S aluz right. Asks me toinvite everybody to come to the funeral--wants me to make 'em allwelcome. But he needn't a worried--it was jest what I was at."
Then he weaves along again, perfectly ca'm, and goes to dropping in hisfuneral orgies again every now and then, just like he done before. Andwhen he done it the third time he says:
"I say orgies, not because it's the common term, because it ain't--obsequies bein' the common term--but because orgies is the right term.Obsequies ain't used in England no more now--it's gone out. We sayorgies now in England. Orgies is better, because it means the thingyou're after more exact. It's a word that's made up out'n the GreekORGO, outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew JEESUM, to plant, cover up;hence inTER. So, you see, funeral orgies is an open er public funeral."
He was the WORST I ever struck. Well, the iron-jawed man he laughedright in his face. Everybody was shocked. Everybody says, "Why,DOCTOR!" and Abner Shackleford says:
"Why, Robinson, hain't you heard the news? This is Harvey Wilks."
The king he smiled eager, and shoved out his flapper, and says:
"Is it my poor brother's dear good friend and physician? I--"
"Keep your hands off of me!" says the doctor. "YOU talk like anEnglishman, DON'T you? It's the worst imitation I ever heard. YOU PeterWilks's brother! You're a fraud, that's what you are!"
Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the doctor and tried toquiet him down, and tried to explain to him and tell him how Harvey 'dshowed in forty ways that he WAS Harvey, and knowed everybody by name,and the names of the very dogs, and begged and BEGGED him not to hurtHarvey's feelings and the poor girl's feelings, and all that. But itwarn't no use; he stormed right along, and said any man that pretended tobe an Englishman and couldn't imitate the lingo no better than what hedid was a fraud and a liar. The poor girls was hanging to the king andcrying; and all of a sudden the doctor ups and turns on THEM. He says:
"I was your father's friend, and I'm your friend; and I warn you as afriend, and an honest one that wants to protect you and keep you out ofharm and trouble, to turn your backs on that scoundrel and have nothingto do with him, the ignorant tramp, with his idiotic Greek and Hebrew, ashe calls it. He is the thinnest kind of an impostor--has come here witha lot of empty names and facts which he picked up somewheres, and youtake them for PROOFS, and are helped to fool yourselves by these foolishfriends here, who ought to know better. Mary Jane Wilks, you know me foryour friend, and for your unselfish friend, too. Now listen to me; turnthis pitiful rascal out--I BEG you to do it. Will you?"
Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she was handsome! Shesays:
"HERE is my answer." She hove up the bag of money and put it in theking's hands, and says, "Take this six thousand dollars, and invest forme and my sisters any way you want to, and don't give us no receipt forit."
Then she put her arm around the king on one side, and Susan and thehare-lip done the same on the other. Everybody clapped their hands andstomped on the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held up hishead and smiled proud. The doctor says:
"All right; I wash MY hands of the matter. But I warn you all that atime 's coming when you're going to feel sick whenever you think of thisday." And away he went.
"All right, doctor," says the king, kinder mocking him; "we'll try andget 'em to send for you;" which made them all laugh, and they said it wasa prime good hit.
