Alice
I reread my thank-you card. I have no intentions of sending it, but I’m still apprehensive about how snarky it sounds. Snarky is just the kind of mood that I’m in right now and I’m not apologizing for that either. I’m done apologizing.
I’m not sure, but the card feels strange in my hands. It feels a little like a goodbye.
Perhaps this is the last card that I’ll ever write him. Wouldn’t that be something?
36
After our night together, Simon and I start spending a lot of time together. He didn’t care that I snuck out of his bed without saying goodbye; he just asked me to never do it again.
“It doesn’t matter what time it is, I want to kiss you goodbye,” he explained. “Promise that you will.”
I promised and haven’t broken it since.
Over the last couple of weeks, I discovered many interesting things about my new boyfriend. First being that he doesn’t mind being called my boyfriend and me being his girlfriend. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the label, girlfriend, but he assured me that it was going to be okay.
“We’re dating, right? Sleeping together?” he said. “Why wouldn’t you want to call me your boyfriend?”
“It seems like it comes with a lot of responsibilities,” I said after thinking about it for a moment.
“Well, it doesn’t.” He shrugged. “It’s just a word.”
He’s right, but only sort of. This is college. Hardly anyone’s dating anyone at all and even fewer people are committing to each other with heavy words like boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, Juliet and Dylan have been sleeping with each other way longer and I don’t think they’d approach the subject of labels for at least another six months.
Besides his acceptance of labels, I learn other things about Simon, as well. I discover that he loves Indian food and sushi, but hates burgers and French fries. French fries! I mean, who hates French fries? He sometimes has one or two when we go out for drinks, but always cringes. I don’t get it, but I’ve given up on trying to convince him that French fries are the food of the gods. I don’t want to waste them. More for me, right?
Juliet has taken it upon herself to keep me in the loop about Hudson, just like she does with the rest of the people on our floor. Except of course, Hudson isn’t like the rest of the people. I actually have no interest in hearing about what’s going on in his life but Juliet doesn’t believe me and informs me of things anyway. Apparently, he’s still seeing Tea and they’re getting more serious. I don’t know what that means exactly. I can only speculate that it means that he has actually taken the step and referred to her as his girlfriend. Or maybe not. Maybe they just sleep together.
Though Tea and I have been moderately successful in avoiding each other in American Lit, we are again assigned to be peer review partners in today’s class. I know it’s bound to go badly as I gather my stuff and move chairs to be closer to her. As we go over each other’s papers, we are both generous and courteous. It’s strange, but I don’t even feel a bad vibe coming from her. As for Hudson? It’s as if we have both silently agreed to avoid a particular topic and are both adhering to our promise.
During our peer review session, I suddenly remember why I liked Tea so much when I first met her in the beginning of the year. We have a lot in common. For instance, we both love Virginia Woolf and Colleen Hoover. I’ve never admitted that to anyone before Tea but Tea talks about it as if it’s nothing.
“But what about what all those people say?” I ask. “That you can’t like both high culture stuff like Virginia Woolf and so-called low culture stuff. You know, Colleen Hoover and other romance authors.”
“I don’t talk to those people often.” Tea shrugs. She’s exuding confidence. It’s practically pouring out of her veins. I just hope that some of it spills over onto me.
“Okay, but if you did? If someone had said that to you?” I press. I actually really want to know the answer. I’ve read many blogs and articles on the subject and never agreed with any of them.
“I’ll tell them that they can go fuck themselves. People like what they like and they read things for a variety of reasons. I don’t go to the bookstore and say, okay, I’m in the mood for only high art today. I mean, who the hell does that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug.
“Do you?” she asks.
“Of course not. I just pick up a book that I like. Often based on its cover, read the blurb, and then decide if I’m in the mood for the story,” I say.
“Exactly! And you and I just happen to both love Virginia Woolf and Colleen Hoover. So what?”
I smile. She’s right, of course.
“It’s nice to have someone say what I’m thinking,” I say. “I don’t understand what’s wrong with this particular world view. I mean, isn’t it really open-minded and exhilarating? Doesn’t it mean that we’re open to all possibilities? That all we’re looking for is entertainment, but in the best sense of the word? That we’re not bound by some conventions and other people’s opinions?”
“I think so,” she says, cocking her head. “And it doesn’t just apply to books. Other works of art, too. For me, anything goes. Eminem and Schubert. Taylor Swift and Edith Piaf.”
I look at her closely. The way she tapped her finger on the table, not out of exasperation or annoyance, but simply to pass the time. There is something endearing and pure about Tea that I can’t seem to put my finger on. She’s cautious and quiet, but strong and confident in ways that I can’t even imagine being quite yet. That’s why when she invites me over to her place the following evening, I say yes without hesitation.
37
We’re supposed to be studying and going over our notes from Catcher in the Rye, but instead we talk about a book that she’s writing.
“You’re writing a novel? Really?” I say in shock. We’re both eighteen years old and the thought of even beginning a novel scares the shit out of me but Tea is unfazed.
“I’ve had this idea in my head for the last two years and finally this summer, I just decided to go for it. I mean, what the hell am I waiting for?”
“What’s it about?” I ask.
“A mysterious death of an old expat in Belize. The narrator is a young woman who finds clues to his murder in a book of Belizian folk tales.”
“That sounds…intense,” I say. It takes me a moment to find just the right word. The book sounds interesting, but I’ve found that saying that something is interesting is kind of a throwaway line. That’s what people say who aren’t really interested.
“It sounds daunting, too,” I add.
“Yes, I guess.” She shrugs but her eyes twinkle and I get the sense that it’s more exciting than daunting.
“So, can I tell you something embarrassing? I don’t actually know where Belize is,” I say. I hate to admit, but geography isn’t my strong suit. The name sounds familiar, but I can’t place it in the world. Is it in Africa? Asia?
“Not embarrassing at all.” She laughs. “It’s a small country in Central America right next to Mexico and Guatemala.”
“How small?” I ask.
“Very small. It’s got a population of about 320,000 people. Like a medium-sized town here but it is English-speaking. Sort of. Their accent is something to get used to.” She laughs.
“Have you ever been there?” I ask. I have no idea why anyone would write a story about Belize.
“Oh, yes! My family has a place there and I go there every summer for at least a month and often for Christmas break, too. Oh my God, Alice. It’s the most beautiful place on Earth. The air is filled with salt and hope and cheer. The people there dance for no other reason except that they’re alive. Every day is like a celebration of life.”
“That sounds amazing,” I say. “I can’t wait to read the book.”
Then suddenly, the conversation turns to me and my writing. A topic that I’m not comfortable discussing. Not at all.
“Well, I’m not working on a novel, that’s for sure
,” I say shyly.
“But you write? Right?”
“Yes,” I admit it. “I love it, actually but the thing is that I don’t have much time.”
Time has always been an issue with me. For some reason, having other things to do, like schoolwork, completely derails me and makes it impossible for me to do work. Homework weighs heavily on me and even if I’m not working on it, I can’t focus on anything else. So, I waste my time on the Internet or watching Netflix instead of seizing the little time that I have left and writing. Then, of course, I feel guilty over the whole thing and guilt makes it even more difficult to focus.
“I know what you mean,” Tea says. “The thing is that you have to make time. You just have to, if it’s important to you because no one else will.”
“There’s something else,” I say. “I’m also kind of afraid. No, not kind of, really, really afraid.”
I don’t mean to blurt that out, but it just sort of comes out. I’d never really admitted it out loud before. I haven’t even admitted it to myself before, in the privacy of my own thoughts. Yet here I am, sharing my deep dark fears and secrets with Tea, of all people.
“I’m afraid, too,” she says. “I hate to admit it. It’s embarrassing, isn’t it? I mean, what’s there to be afraid of? It’s just pen to paper or typing on a keyboard. But it is. You’re pouring your whole self onto the page and what if it’s crap? What if it’s no good?”
I nod. Perhaps only writers can understand these fears.
“Then I just have to tell myself that what’s important is the process. Nothing else. If it’s crap, then that’s what it is. That doesn’t matter. The final product doesn’t matter so much. At least, you can’t worry about it until later. While you’re writing, you have to let go. I sometimes feel like I enter some sort of alternative consciousness where all I’m doing is typing and someone else is coming up with the story.”
“Yes, of course.” I nod. “I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s like all the characters have minds of their own. They’re no longer made up people. I’m no longer playing pretend. I’ve created them, but then at some point they start to speak and think and act on their own.”
“Exactly!” She nods her head vociferously. For a second, she looks like a bobble head and I think that her head might pop off her shoulders and roll away.
“As for being afraid,” Tea continues, “you just have to do it. A little every day. If you write a few hundred words for a few days, then in the coming days, you won’t worry about not being able to write. You build confidence and experience shows you that it’s possible. You suddenly realize that it’s just a building process. You put a few blocks up every day and after a certain number of days, you’ll have a building.”
“And how many blocks do you have up?” I ask, continuing on with her metaphor.
“I have 45,000 words. The novel will be about 60,000 words.”
“You’re almost done!” I say. “I really want to read it when you’re done.”
“Maybe.” She shrugs and looks away.
“Please?”
“I don’t know,” she says without meeting my eyes. “I’m afraid.”
“Afraid? But what about what you just said about fear?”
“This fear is different. I’m worried about what you’re going to say,” Tea says, looking up at me. She’s trying to read my face to see what kind of critic I am.
“Don’t be,” I say, trying to put her at ease. “I’m sure it’s marvelous and if it’s not, I won’t tell you.”
We both burst out laughing. I laugh so hard that my eyes tear up a bit. When we finally catch our breath, Tea’s face gets very serious.
“You promise?” she asks.
“Yes.”
Just when I’m about to leave, Tea insists on heating up some leftover pizza from last night. I’m a sucker for day-old pizza and cave.
“So how are things going with that guy you’re seeing? Simon?” she asks, pouring me a cup of soda.
My chest tightens a bit. She has broached the boyfriend topic. Why would she do that? Doesn’t she know that our relationship depends on us explicitly not talking about our boyfriends? It’s okay, stay calm, I say to myself. She just asked about my boyfriend. Simon’s neutral territory. Maybe she won’t bring up her boyfriend at all. I’m definitely not going to ask about Hudson.
“Good.” I nod. “He invited me for a weekend to this cabin upstate.”
“Wow, that’s a big step,” she says.
“I know. It is. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet but he really wants me to go.”
She looks puzzled for a moment. Then I realize that it’s not confusion painted on her face. It’s disappointment. With a hint of sadness.
“You’re lucky. Hudson won’t even let me call him my boyfriend. He says that he doesn’t like labels.”
Shivers run up my spine. I can’t believe that she has mentioned Hudson’s name, just like that. Like it’s nothing. Just another word.
38
“Are you okay?” Tea asks, putting her hand on my arm. I haven’t spoken a word in some time. The silence is deafening. My lips are chapped and my throat is tingling. I’m suddenly so thirsty I bet I can drink a one-gallon jug of water without pausing.
“Fine,” I finally manage. “So, tell me more about your book.”
“Don’t try to change the subject,” she says, calling me on my shit.
I look away. Shrug. I search my mind for the last thing she had said. “So, Hudson doesn’t like labels, huh?”
“No, at least that’s what he said to me.”
I shrug again and start to think of ways to get out of this room as soon as possible.
“Was he like this with you?” Tea asks.
Her enormous wide eyes somehow grow even bigger. Juliet would love her eyelashes. They’re so lush and full, unlike mine. Perhaps she might even say that Tea doesn’t need false lashes. No, come to think of it, Juliet’s not the “less is more” kind of girl.
“Listen, I don’t feel really comfortable talking about this,” I say and start gathering my things but she stops me.
“I’m sorry, I know this is probably really awkward for you,” Tea sighs. “I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s just being a normal guy or if something’s really wrong.”
I shrug.
“So, was he like that with you?” she asks again. I can leave. Right now.
If I just pack up my stuff and say that I really don’t want to talk about this, I can just leave. She can’t stop me. When I look into her eyes and see that lost look on her face, I know that I can’t. I sigh and give in.
“Like what?” I ask.
“Secretive? Anti-labels? Did he mind calling you his girlfriend?”
“It was different then, Tea. We were both in high school. Eleventh grade isn’t like freshman year of college. You think you’re so grown up then. Many people want to be in a relationship. Perhaps for no other reason except to say that they were in one.”
She nods and sighs. I’m making sense to her. I search my mind for some other words of explanation that I could offer her that won’t hurt her feelings.
“Besides, Hudson and I were best friends. For many years before we ever got together,” I say. “So, when we got together, it was different. It was more serious, right from the beginning.”
Again, she sighs and looks away. I put my arm around her shoulders. They slouch under my touch.
“How long were you together?” she asks.
“Two years.”
“Do you think maybe he doesn’t want to get serious because he just got out of a serious relationship?” she asks. That’s exactly what I’m thinking.
“I’m sure. If it’s any consolation, that’s kind of how I feel.”
“What do you mean?” Tea asks.
I drop my arm from her shoulder and try to pull away but she just leans on me and waits for my answer.
“Well, Simon calls me his girlfriend,” I say. �
�But I don’t really call him my boyfriend. We didn’t have a big discussion about it. He just started doing it. Without my permission, really. Maybe Hudson feels the same way. Maybe he just doesn’t want to complicate things right now, you know? I certainly don’t.”
I see her listening to me, but I’m not sure if she’s really hearing me.
“So, what happened between you two?” she suddenly asks.
“What do you mean?” My heart sinks. I don’t want to talk about our breakup. By the puzzled look on her face, I don’t think that’s what she’s referring to.
“Well, you were kind of becoming friends again, right? He talked about you a bit and how things were getting more friendly and positive. Now, you’re not talking again? He said you were mad at him. What happened?”
Shit. Shit. Shit. I decide to fake it. “Nothing really.” I shrug, trying to pretend that everything’s okay.
I look at Tea. She’s not buying it. I have no idea if Tea knows about Hudson’s masquerade ball, but I have a feeling that she doesn’t. There’s no way I’m going to tell her. It’s Hudson’s thing. He needs to tell her why he didn’t take her. Agh, I fuckin’ hate that guy!
“I don’t know. It’s sort of hard being friends again after a breakup. We tried for a while, but it just didn’t feel right. So, we’re giving each other some space,” I say.
I’m gathering my stuff again. This time, I’m leaving for me. Before Tea entraps me in some other conversation that I have no interest in.
“But Hudson said that you were mad at him,” Tea presses. “What did he do?”
“Listen, Tea, I have to go. We’re just not friends anymore. Can we leave it at that?” I say, putting on my coat.
Tea stands up. I think she’s about to give me a hug and walk me to the elevator, but instead she blocks the door.
“I feel like you’re hiding something, Alice. Did something happen?” she asks. “I promise I won’t be mad. I just need to know the truth.”
“Nothing happened, Tea,” I say. I purposely use her name, the same way she used my name to make a point. “I have no interest in Hudson. We’re not even friends anymore. Seriously, you have nothing worry about.”
Not into you Page 14
