Emily glanced around at the closed front door, and said, "I guess you're right, I'll get my boots." She went inside, closing the door behind her.
It struck Adam as odd that she hadn't insisted he come in, if only to warm himself by the fire before heading down the mountain. He started to let himself in to do just that then reconsidered. When he stood with his arms around Emily and she tipped her head against his shoulder and leaned into his chest, and he caught the whiff of old memories, it set into motion a glut of emotional baggage he'd thought he was done with and reminded him of the driving need he'd once had for her. Some things die slowly. That was one of them. But it was fully alive now.
Emily emerged from the cabin a couple of minutes later, garbed in boots, a heavy jacket and a wool hat. "I'll hurry," she said. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back." Turning, she trudged in snow up to her knees as she made her way to the outhouse.
As he waited, Adam looked at the cabin, remembering the first time he and Emily had come there. The ride up had been planned so they could have a couple of hours to themselves, away from the ranch and the guests, a place where they could be completely alone. He'd given her an engagement ring at Christmas and brought her to the ranch to get to know the family, even though they'd known her as his classmate over the years, and as Erik's girlfriend. Things were different by then. Erik was in the Army and finally out of Emily's life. But later that day, he suggested they take the horses and ride to the cabin so he could show her the view from the top of the mountain. She was eager to go, but the view of the surroundings was short, and the time inside the cabin had not been spent in conversation...
As Emily returned from the outhouse, he was still enmeshed in thoughts of how it had been with her the first time. They'd been engaged several months but still hadn't consummated their love because they'd been living in student housing and the time was never right. But alone with him at the cabin, Emily gave it her all, and afterwards, he bathed her in the old tin tub. And now she was back, and once again he felt the old tug-o-war, but this time, instead of Emily being in the middle, with him and Erik pulling on the ropes, he was in the middle with a noose tightening around his heart.
It was irrational and unhealthy to obsess over a woman who moved in and out of his life because of her equally irrational and unhealthy relationship with another man. He was glad his dad wanted him back tonight because if he stayed, and Emily wanted him in her bed for whatever reason, he'd go through the same hell he'd always gone through when she teetered on the tightrope between him and Erik. But no more.
"Then you will be back tomorrow?" Emily asked, as she approached.
Adam saw a face, deeply troubled, and afraid, and alone. He was tempted to say to hell with the past and put it behind, and crawl into bed with her, and protect her from Erik and the world forever. Hardening himself to that scenario, he said, "If I can't make it I'll send one of my brothers up with a shotgun and he can show you how to use it." He didn't want to come back. Another couple of hours with her, along with a whole list of irrational excuses why things would be different this time, and he'd be back where he was before—a man obsessing over a woman who didn't know her own mind and probably never would.
"Please don't send one of your brothers," Emily said, quickly. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here."
Adam looked at her warily. "You said Erik wouldn't come looking for you here, so why would it matter if one of my brothers came?"
"They'd talk about my being back," Emily said. "You have no idea the extent to which Erik will go to find me. It's a mind game with him, and this time I beat him at his own game and he can't lose that control. Please, Adam, promise you won't tell anyone I'm here."
When Adam didn't reply, because he didn't see how he could get around telling his folks, Emily said again, "Please, Adam, you have to promise you won't say anything."
Adam sucked in a chest full of frigid air that stung his lungs, and said, "Okay, I'll come myself, but if Erik's determined to find you, you can't stay here alone. I'll try to figure out a place for you to go." Without waiting for her response, he turned, gathered up Gus's lead line, mounted Max, and headed back down the mountain.
***
Late the following morning, Adam had just saddled Max and was strapping the scabbard with the shotgun to the saddle, when his father entered the stables. Eyeing Adam with concern, he said, "Don't go off. I need you to help the boys round up some cattle that got out last night."
"I'll be back in a couple of hours," Adam said, and hoped he wouldn't be forced to explain why he was returning to the cabin.
"Where are you going with that?" Jack asked, eyeing the shotgun.
"I spotted tracks up at the cabin," Adam replied, not exactly a lie, since he'd seen squirrel and raccoon tracks all over the snow near the cabin.
"I assume you don't intend to track down a bear or a mountain lion with a shotgun," Jack said. From the look on his father's face, Adam knew he expected an explanation.
Adam clenched his jaws as he deliberated about how much to tell his dad. Emily didn't want her presence known for obvious reasons, and she was right. He'd never hear the end of it from his mother and just about everyone else on the ranch if they knew she was back. But his father had a way of holding his cool when it mattered, and he could use some help in trying to decide what to do. "There's a problem at the cabin," he said, and knew there was no turning back now.
"Raccoons?" Jack asked.
"Emily," Adam replied.
Jack stared at him, as if Adam had completely lost it, and waited for an explanation.
Adam sucked in a breath and said in one long string of words, as if the meaning behind them might not register if he spoke quickly, "She left her husband and had no place to go so she hiked to the cabin and is staying there until she can figure out what to do."
"What do you mean she has no place to go?" Jack said, his voice edged with impatience. "There's nearly two feet of snow up there and more coming down and she couldn't have hiked in with supplies to last, so what's the real story?"
"She's afraid of Erik," Adam replied. "I'm taking her the shotgun in case he shows up."
"I would've thought after what she pulled you'd be done with her," Jack said, in disgust.
Adam clenched his jaws to keep from responding with a whole bunch of irrational crap in defense of Emily. "I am done with her," he replied, "but she's there alone and Erik's a dangerous man now and I can't turn my back on her."
"She's Erik's wife and this is a domestic matter," Jack said. "She's not your problem now."
"Ex-wife," Adam corrected. "He threatened her and she's afraid."
"Then take her to the women's shelter in McMinnville," Jack replied. "They know how to deal with things like this. But you stay out of it."
Adam held his father's steady gaze, feeling like a teen again, with his father laying down the rules, but this time they were man to man, and as a man he also had responsibilities. "I won't abandon Emily when she needs me most."
"You won't abandon her because you want an excuse to jump right back into the mess you were in with her all through high school," Jack said. "You'd better get a handle on things or you'll end up with a woman who'll raise hell with your life. I know firsthand."
Adam started to argue that there was no comparing Emily with his father's ex-wife, who smothered their son, but thought better of it, and said, "I know what I have to do. I'll be back in a couple of hours to help round up stock." He led Max out of the stables, launched himself into the saddle and set out at a lope.
It wasn't until he was half way up the mountain that he realized he hadn't told his father not to say anything to anyone about Emily, especially his mother, who would immediately pass it on to Jayne, who'd tell Sophie, and the women on the place would make it a point to remind him what a cretin he'd been all the while Emily was dating Erik, and what an idiotic fool he was to get engaged to her, and that he'd have to be out of his mind to have anything to do with her now. But maybe his fathe
r would be too busy rounding up stock and mending fences with the boys to give it further thought, though he had a gut feeling he'd probably already passed the information on to his mother. He did not look forward to his return.
A half hour later, Adam crested the hill, and as he looked into the snow-covered clearing, he was shocked to see Emily crossing from the outhouse to the cabin, and a child, no more than three, running ahead of her in the trampled down path leading to the porch. As he urged Max into the opening, Emily caught sight of him and froze in her tracks. The child, seeing him, rushed ahead and ran into the cabin. Emily raced after the child and disappeared inside.
Adam tethered his horse, but by the time he entered the cabin there was no sign of the child.
Emily looked at him in alarm, and said, "I didn't expect you until later."
"I just figured that out," Adam replied, while taking a closer look at his surroundings. Although there were no signs of the child, there were signs of a child's presence—a small threadbare blanket on the couch, a tiny wool hat on the floor by the door, a trail of snowy footprints leading to the closed door to the bedroom. Turning to Emily, he said, "Why didn't you tell me you had a child?"
"I'm trying not to involve you," Emily said. "His name is Jesse and he's in the bedroom because he's afraid of men. He won't come out until you leave."
Adam glanced at the door, wondering what kind of cold-hearted bastard Erik really was, that his son would be afraid of him, afraid of all men."
He's a dangerous man...
Adam deliberated on just how dangerous Erik could be. He'd been a smug, full-of-himself SOB in high school, who treated Emily like crap, but he'd never shown a violent side. "Did Erik ever hit you?" he asked.
Emily shook her head. "He had more effective ways of getting me to do what he wanted."
"Effective like what?" Adam asked, knowing he was doing exactly what his father warned against, jumping right back into the mess he'd been in with Emily all through high school.
When she just stood there looking at him and saying nothing, he said, "If he never hit you, what did he do to make you think he's dangerous?" It came to Adam that maybe Emily was the unstable one, and paranoia could be the basis of her late night calls years before, and maybe the things she'd told him about Erik only existed in her mind.
"Come into the kitchen where Jesse won't hear us talking," Emily said, then turned and walked away from the closed bedroom door.
Adam wondered about a child who would, of his own accord, close himself in a room. Years before whenever his younger siblings were in trouble and sent to their rooms, they cried and fussed and carried on until they could get out. But to be so afraid that a closed bedroom door meant security was not a pattern of behavior he could relate to.
In the kitchen, he sat at the table, and Emily sat across from him. Her eyes holding painful memories, she told him about an incident with Erik and her son's kitten. "I got rid of the kitten right after that and told Jesse and Erik it got out and ran away. I knew it was only a matter of time before Erik would carry out his threat and then twist things so Jesse would believe Erik had to kill the kitten because I made him do it. That's the way Erik's mind works."
After Adam had taken that in, he said, "Where were you living before you came here?"
"A town just north of Sacramento," Emily replied.
"Hell, Em, we're a straight shot from Sacramento," Adam said. "You should have headed east where you could lose him." He also knew Erik could be there in a day if he decided to come.
"I had no money," Emily said, tears welling. "I signed off everything to Erik when we divorced. The entire time we were married he controlled all of our accounts, including the bank account, and he gave me no money. He claimed he was doing it for my own good because I'd never learned how to run a house because of the way I was raised and that he loved me and wanted to make sure I was always provided for. It was always about how much he loved me. If it hadn't been for a neighbor who suspected something all along, who gave me enough money for bus fare, I couldn't have gotten this far." She lifted a shaking hand to her face and swiped a finger beneath each eye, while Adam resisted the urge to take her in his arms and hold her.
Instead, he got up and paced the floor, while wondering what in the name of all the saints in heaven he could do with her. And her boy. How she'd managed to hike five miles up a mountain with a child was beyond him. Maybe a little too farfetched. But he wouldn't cross examine her now. Nor could he take her back to the ranch, not only because of the reaction from his father and everyone else, but he couldn't jeopardize the family and the ranch guests if Erik showed up.
"I'll give you some money," Adam said, "then you'll have to go to the welfare office and sign up for benefits. But Erik will still have to pay child support. Wasn't it included in your divorce settlement?"
Emily shook her head. "I didn't ask for anything. All I wanted was to be free of him."
Adam looked at a woman stripped of everything, including her self respect, a woman so desperate she made her way through a snowstorm, with a child, to return to a place where everyone viewed her with distrust and bitterness. Even he viewed her that way, but it still didn't stop his deep-rooted feelings for her. And his old protective mechanism was up and running again. "Well, I hope for you and your son's sake that you're finally free of him this time," he said. "Meanwhile, I brought the shotgun and I'll show you how to shoot, then I have to get back and help my dad, unless you want me to stay," he added. A patently stupid idea.
Emily shook her head, and stood. "It's best for you to leave."
Adam knew from her tone of voice, and the look of expectancy on her face, that she was ambivalent. She'd also left the table and was standing near the hallway, as if guarding the bedroom door. Adam glanced at the closed door, then at Emily, and said, "If you're worried your son would be afraid of me if I stay, I'd sleep on the couch and keep to myself and let him come to me on his own when he's ready."
Emily shook her head again. "Leaving suddenly the way we did, and riding on a bus when Jesse has rarely been out of the house, he's disturbed and confused. He needs to be away from all men. I'll put him down for a nap and you can show me about the shotgun then."
While Emily was in the bedroom with her son, Adam felt the bitterness rising again, not just because Rick and Sophie had it all, but because, in the end, Erik fathered Emily's son, the one thing Adam thought, when Emily accepted the engagement ring, she'd give to him and him alone. The boy also meant she'd never be rid of Erik, who'd track her down if only to get his son back. But now, as he looked out at snow that continued to fall, he hoped it wouldn't let up, because as long as the roads were a jumble of snowbound vehicles, spinouts and stalls, the less likely it was that Erik would make his way there, and maybe, after a while, he'd lose interest.
While he was waiting for Emily to come out of the bedroom, Adam made several trips to the porch and carried in armloads of wood, which he stacked in an alcove beside the fireplace. He assumed Emily hadn't had a bath since she left California, so he stuffed paper into the old wood boiler beside the sink, threw in several pieces of kindling and a couple of small logs, and struck a match to it. After rolling back the bearskin rug that lay in front of the hearth, he retrieved the tub and set it in front of the fireplace, then tossed a couple of logs on the hearth and hoped Emily would soak in the tub long enough to relax some.
He blocked from his mind the rest of the scenario. He didn't need to be weighed down by thoughts of Emily sitting naked in the tub while he washed her back, and her front, the way he had years before when they were there. The memory of their lovemaking on the bearskin rug just before her bath, and how she looked in the tub afterward, with water cascading over and around her breasts as he squeezed the sponge and let the water trickle where he wanted it, was still as vivid as when it happened, as if the scenes were branded on his mind forever.
The door to the bedroom opened slowly, and after Emily stepped into the hallway she quietly closed t
he door, then turned and said, "He's finally asleep. I found some picture books on the bookshelf by the fireplace and read to him. He seemed a little warm though, but I think his face is chapped from the cold. It was a long hike up here."
"He walked?" Adam asked, still questioning how Emily managed to hike five miles through a snowstorm on her own, much less with a child."
"I carried him in a pack on my back," Emily said. "He slept most of the way."
Adam couldn't help but marvel at what she'd done. Emily might be a fickle mess when it came to men, but she was devoted to her son, which had to count for something.
She glanced at the tin tub in front of the fireplace then looked at him with curiosity, and said, "Why is that there?"
"I thought you'd want a bath, since you probably haven't had one since you got here," Adam replied. "The water boiler's heating up right now."
Emily stared at the tub, saying nothing, but from the faraway look in her eyes Adam knew she was remembering. Then her face became thoughtful, and she said, "A bath would be nice, and the little tub is comfortable. I remember."
"So do I," Adam said, looking steadily at her.
"That's not what I meant," Emily said. "I meant..." She waved her hand as if erasing her words, and said, "After I bathe, I'll wash Jesse too. Thank you for doing this."
Wanting to get off the subject of Emily in the tub and the image it brought, Adam said, "Come out on the porch and I'll show you how to load and operate the shotgun."
Emily followed him outside, and after Adam pointed out the parts of the gun, and made sure she understood the importance of holding it tight against her shoulder if she needed to shoot, he demonstrated how to load it then let her dry fire it a few times, all done with a minimum of physical contact. After that they went back inside, where Adam checked the boiler and prepared to fill the tub before heading back to the ranch.
Uncertain Loyalties (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 4) Page 19
