by Leanne Davis
I wish that for Dayshia. The tears spill from my eyes at realizing the little one-year-old is starting life motherless. Motherless. That manages to break open my heart, and all the resentment vanishes. I finally realize my stubbornness can’t compete with the loss that my little niece is about to endure.
We leave the room when the medical staff return to disconnect life support, nutrition, and hydration. It’s sadly unceremonious.
They assure us she feels no pain.
It’s impossible not to cry. We sit there waiting for her life to expire. I never imagined I’d be the person to offer comfort to Ireena Monroe as she died. Claudia and I, actually. We hold each other’s hand… and hers. We watch until her breath becomes a slow, prolonged rattle. She seems dead until she suddenly breathes. Then she twitches and moves. We’re told it’s just her nerve endings. They check on her often. We’re glad to know she’s not feeling any pain.
We are not spared the pain, however.
It goes on for too long. It’s horrifying. A waking nightmare.
The visceral noises. The movements. The sounds. They will haunt me forever.
She codes after just a few minutes. Her heart gives out. Thank God. Is she putting her and us out of misery? That thought rips through me. It’s so awful to wait for this. I nearly fall to my knees with relief when she finally codes before my eyes. I step back as some nurses rush in. But there’s nothing more to do. They reassure us, again that she’s not in any pain.
She doesn’t look like she does not feel pain.
But finally, it stops. The end.
She’s not here anymore.
A coolness envelops me and the whole room. Her energy is sucked out through an invisible vortex, and we are left with a hollow sadness. She is dead now. They keep her wrapped neatly in covers, so proper and civilized. But what I just witnessed seems so far away from that.
I was drilled on the procedure before, during, and after. And the after starts now. The organ transplant teams are poised to harvest her organs so that other people will live longer from her lost parts.
It’s all over. At least on our end. For real.
Later on, we’ll hear about the recipients of Ireena’s organs. Perhaps Damion and later, Dayshia will find comfort and meaning from that. But right now, at this moment? All if it is too overwhelming and impossible to understand.
A text from Damion appears when we turn our phones on. Out of respect, we turned them off. So we had no contact with the outside world for several hours.
Please pick me up at Kaeja’s. That’s it.
I write back. Be there soon.
Claudia and I are quiet. Solemnly, we walk out to our separate cars and stand there, staring at the sky above us. “It feels so strange to just go on with life.”
“I know. Seems like the world could have shifted off its axis or that day should become night after witnessing a death like that.”
“Damion needs me. I have to pick him up at Kaeja’s.”
She nods, and I nod. We stand there. Unmoving. Staring. Again. At each other.
“No one else can get this. I mean, watching the end of Ireena and the strangeness of hating the person we are grieving for. My sympathy was tempered by the complexity I feel towards her.”
“At least we get it. About ourselves and each other.”
I reach forward and drag a finger down the side of her face. “Thank God for you, Claudia.” I don’t mean it casually or in passing, but sincerely and forever. Thank God. I say it not as an expression but in gratitude to the Lord in the sky. He must have given me Claudia. There is no one else like her.
She smiles softly and licks her lips. “I’ll call you later.”
Then she turns and ducks inside her car. I sigh, doing the same, but feeling old and rickety. I am so confused and upset and sad. Mostly sad.
Chapter 11
DEVON
It hurts when I think of what I used to feel for Ireena and what I want now with her. She was my first love. The very first woman I noticed “something different” with. It got distorted and ruined later on, but when it started out, I had stars in my eyes, I was so in love with her. My youthful wish was all tied up with us being together. I had endless dreams of our life together.
Damn. How could this be happening? I drive Damion’s car, and he is quiet, almost catatonic. I am heading to our parents’ house. Dayshia quickly falls asleep in the car seat. Thank God Kaeja is so willing to help out with her. Dayshia was happy and content when I arrived. Recently fed, she was cleaned up and growing cranky for a nap. Kaeja is a reliable friend. The salt of the earth in comparison to Ireena’s sultry sexiness. I found their friendship surprising in how opposite they were, but it began in childhood and continued to the present. Probably only because Kaeja is like Claudia.
The silence is broken when Damion suddenly blurts out, “There were no signs. None. I didn’t have a clue this could be a possibility. How did it happen? How can she be dead? From a heart attack and brain damage? She was twenty-seven. I should have noticed something was wrong. Maybe I could have asked her if she was tired or sick or something. Lately, she seemed extra grumpy and more difficult than usual. I thought she was… well, she could be—” He winces as he glances at me. Sighing, I gaze out my car window and then look back at the road. This won’t be easy. We’ll be digging into our recent pasts for a while and there is no getting around it.
“Difficult? She never wasted her emotions on things she couldn’t change. And if she believed she didn’t do anything wrong, she would not have any guilt. So neither should you. You didn’t know, Damion. No one knew. Who would look for something so rare that was not supposed to be?”
His expression becomes stricken as he stares at me. I meet his gaze. “What we did to you—”
“Doesn’t matter anymore. Not right now.”
“It does matter. Ethics. Integrity. Basic decency towards your sibling—”
“We can’t go there. Not now, Damion.”
Maybe not ever if we intend to repair what we lost. Us. Now that Ireena is dead, I don’t see how to avoid it. The singular, most dramatic reason that could prompt me to rally around my brother again happened, and I feel like I have to be here for him.
He nods and sighs, leaning forward and rubbing his temples. “I know. I just wish none of this happened.”
The words that Claudia was trying to drill into me are perched on the tip of my tongue now. Yeah, but it did, so I keep quiet. “Just focus on Dayshia. She’s the reason why Ireena came into your life. She’s the product of your affair with Ireena and all you need to worry about. She’s everything in your life now. So make that work for you.”
He rubs his neck. “You’re right. I know. I have to pull it together. I just—” His head shakes. “I’ve never faced anything like this before.”
“None of us has.”
“There was no warning that day. She didn’t do anything differently. I still can’t understand… why? And when my daughter asks for her mommy, how do I explain it to her?”
“You tell her the truth. Someday she will understand. For now, you just reside in the present. Deal with one moment at a time and say whatever feels right in that moment. There is no right or wrong about this. You both just survive it. And we all love Dayshia, so we’ll be there to help you, too.”
“But she’ll want her mother. She’s already missing that building block of her life.”
“Then you, and I, and our parents, and everyone else will have to love her so much and so well that she’ll never miss her mother’s unconditional love. She will receive it from everyone else in her life.”
Damion’s gaze whips to me. “That’s pretty profound. We can love her so well she doesn’t get damaged by what happened to her mother. Yeah, I like that. I could really just focus on that. I’ve been trying to figure out how to do this. Do I live with it or try to move on? When you said we, did you mean that you’ll keep talking to me?”
“Yes. I think we’re past the silent tre
atment now.”
“Can you forgive me? For Ireena?”
“Yes.” And no. Not for the betrayal.
But I can let it go.
“We were drunk. I was stupid. I didn’t mean to do it. And after she got pregnant, there was no turning back.”
“There wasn’t anyway. You should have told me what happened regardless of the pregnancy. We ended up where we did so it doesn’t matter how we got there.” He nods, so I continue, “But it’s about time that we get to a new place.”
Common decency forces my hand. I have no other choice. I tolerate this reality. I suppose I also tolerated my brother sleeping with my girlfriend, marrying her, and having a baby. Now, I am tolerating him as he sits destroyed in the seat beside me. I don’t feel vindicated. Nothing about this helps me in any way. Maybe I’m not a monster. That’s a bit reassuring, considering all the vile thoughts of revenge I’ve been fantasizing about over the years. To my credit, I never acted on any of it.
When we enter my parents’ house, Tara, Ryder, Wyatt, Jacey, Wesley, and Dani are already there. I consider Wesley my cousin as much as Wyatt is. He showed up when I was eight years old and has been a part of our family ever since. He was officially adopted when he was twenty-two, but that was more for posterity. He is truly part of our family now. Forever. No matter what.
A respectful quiet is observed by everyone. Their hugs are even reserved. They hang back, trying not to overwhelm Damion but letting their support be known. Someone provides food and drinks. The room is radiating their collective support and kindness towards Damion.
I get on the phone to a funeral home and quote the options to Damion. He shakes his head, and his dazed expression returns. Finally, Chloe asks, “What do you want, Damion? I seriously doubt you ever asked her what she preferred in the event of her sudden death, which is not unreasonable or surprising. You are still young. But her funeral arrangements must be decided. So, tell me what you prefer.”
He rubs his temple. “I can’t believe I’m being asked to choose this.”
“I know, honey.” Mom drops down beside him and rubs the knot between his shoulder blades.
I know what Ireena wanted. How do I know that? I just do. We had a weird conversation about it one time. But dare I reveal her wishes? If I do, I fear I’ll be dipping my toes back into the shark-infested waters of our sordid history. But seeing the insecurity in Damion right now convinces me to speak up. “She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes put into one of those urns they keep in a columbarium at a cemetery for loved ones to visit. She definitely didn’t want her ashes spread anywhere at random, and she refused to be buried in the ground.”
I hate knowing that. But I have to speak out. That request is needed now, for the sake of Ireena. Yes, I knew Ireena very well, too. I knew more about her than I wished to know now. Predictably, all eyes stare up at me. I shrug. “I’m sorry. We discussed it at length one time after seeing a story on the news. The new trend is for people to compost their bodies so their death causes less environmental impact. That got us talking about it.”
Damion’s smile is small and ironic. “Sounds just like her. Thank you, Devon. It helps a lot—I know it’s weird. But I didn’t know that.”
Mom speaks up. “Pastor Simon said he’d like to see you whenever you’re ready. We can talk to him about Ireena’s service.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t yet. What do I say?”
“Just take one step at a time,” Mom says softly, slipping her hand into Damion’s. He squeezes her fingers back.
“I guess you have some experience in this.”
“I do. I don’t wish it on anyone.”
“And that’s why our feud has hurt you so much,” I add.
She nods vigorously. “Yes. I never wanted that for either of you.”
We talk about Ebony and Mom’s experience. After a silent lull, Damion speaks about Ireena. He’s so tired, he sounds punch-drunk.
Mom puts her foot down. “Damion, go into the spare room. You need to sleep before you fall over. We’ll watch Dayshia. We’ll take care of things.”
He finally gets to his feet and stumbles down to the bedroom. Mom comes over to me. She sits close so no one else can hear us. Taking my hand, she looks into my eyes. “Thank you” is all she says. I see the old sparkle in her eyes again. I’m glad I reacted the way I did to this situation, one that no one could prepare for. There was no anticipation. I guess it was my gut instinct. I’m relieved when I think I might not be as much of an ass as I formerly believed.
“This is pretty fucked up,” I say.
“Yeah. I can’t believe she’s dead.”
“Damion’s overly exhausted. Let him rest a long time before he’s alone with Dayshia. He needs to process everything that happened.”
“Yes,” Mom agrees, “yes, you’re right. You always know how to best deal with Damion.” Her hand comes up to touch my cheek. “You look exhausted, too, Devon. Go home, honey. You need some rest.”
I grab her hand and squeeze it. “Are you sure?”
“There’s nothing more to do now. We’ve called all the people we need to. I located her dad and the stepmother who raised her, but surprisingly, their interest was rather lackluster. Perhaps that’s why Ireena had no qualms coming between two brothers. Anyway, you need some rest too. It’s been a long, and very shocking few days.”
I get to my feet, suddenly feeling as weary as my mother says I must be. I voice my goodbyes to my cousins and the rest of the family.
When I drive into my condo complex parking lot, I drop my head on the steering wheel, too weary to even drag myself up the stairs to my condo. I hate walking up there to my dark, modern, cold condo all alone. After the oddest fucking day in my entire life, I don’t know what to feel. I’m tired and sad. So sorry about what happened. But the neutrality I might have felt for someone else is absent. Not for Ireena with whom I shared a complicated and terrible history.
Claudia.
I want to be with her.
She’s all I can think about. Just her. I want to see her kind, warm smile. I want to hear her smooth, soft voice. I imagine seeing her twinkling eyes. Especially when she’s pleased with me or having fun. How long has it been since she looked at me like that? Ever since the day I ruined everything between us.
I did it. I can’t ask her to come here. Not after realizing what I’ve done to her all these years without any understanding of the toll my relationship had on her. Now, I don’t want to hurt her. But I can’t think of anyone else to call.
I’m such a bastard. That doesn’t stop me from lifting my cellphone and punching in her speed dial number.
She answers immediately. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing you don’t know already.” I say, sitting upright and squeezing my phone tighter to my ear. I hear a voice in the background. A man’s voice. “Where are you?”
“At Cooper’s.” Fuck. Her boyfriend. Cooper Whoever. I never asked to know his last name. I like to pretend he doesn’t exist. Never mind how it smacks me in the face each week when he sends flowers. He’s so damn wonderful, right? I know he sends her flowers and takes her out often. He comes to the office regularly. I also notice how she dresses differently on those days. She dresses up for him. Not content to wear her usual slacks or jeans and blouses. I also don’t miss how her work outfits have become a little sexier and more stylish and fancier.
For Cooper.
She looks way too good for him. She’s so smart and attractive, kind, warm and capable… for him.
“Where are you?”
Her words abruptly end my inner rant of hating her boyfriend. “Home. It was a brutal afternoon.”
“I just talked to your mom.” So she knew. I shake my head and rub my eye.
“I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot. I can’t make myself walk up the stairs to open my damn door.”
She doesn’t answer but I hear her doing something. She’s moving around and static or shuffling comes over the li
ne. “Sitting in your car? Alone?”
“Yes, of course,”
She laughs softly. I love that soft sexy laugh. “Not always of course, is it, Devon? What? What do you need from me?”
“Just you,” I reply. I’m exhausted and weary, as if I’ve just run a long marathon, and I’m trying to explain the reason right as I’m crossing the finish line. Closing my eyes, all the images from nearly three decades filter in and around my brain. It’s all about my family. My parents. But mostly it’s about Damion and Claudia. I lost both of them both for different reasons. I can’t stand being without her.
I hear her breathe but she doesn’t answer. “You need a friend?”
I flop back on my seat and my stomach twists. I don’t know what I mean or what I want. And I’m too chicken to admit what I’m thinking. What if it scares her away? What if I don’t mean it? What if…? Too many what-ifs.
“I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”
“I’ll come over.”
“Thank you,” I say in a whisper. We end the call, and I stare out at the night. The river glistens through the gap of two buildings. The stars twinkle overhead, and the glow of lights across the river in Portland illuminates the walkway.
I chose this condo and created the lifestyle I wanted in it. It was intended to make me happy and confident, helping me fill my time after losing Ireena and Damion. But it didn’t. Not really. Having faceless, nameless women in my bed night after night and drinking way too much way too often is no way to live happily.
I’m not happy.
My previous lifestyle is glaring at me now.
I have to paint a decent face on my relationship with Damion, if only for my parents. But also for Dayshia and our future. But it’s so damn hard. And the only one who gets that, without criticism or judgment, or trying to change me is Claudia. Always Claudia.
She pulls in the parking lot and sees me. Our gazes collide and cling to each other, sending a ripple down my spine. I am instantly reminded of the soft sighs she made that night when my mouth touched hers. The image of her body moving with mine, and how her waist felt in my hands. It wasn’t just a hookup. Reality crashes down on me. It was so much, too much for me so I ran scared. I am still running scared.
