by Kat Brookes
She looked to the older woman, a sense of panic filling her. “But I shut God out of my life for more than nine years.”
“All you have to do is open up the door to your heart, to your faith, and let Him in.” Turning, she walked from the room, leaving Lila to reflect on her words of guidance.
* * *
They were the last to arrive at church, having had to run back to the house to grab Mama Tully’s Bible. She’d accidentally left it lying atop the kitchen table when she’d gone in there to get a handful of treats for Honey and Grits before leaving. Thankfully, the rain the weather station had called for that morning had held off. Mama Tully didn’t need to be traipsing about in foul weather in her somewhat weakened condition.
Mason stood just outside the church doors, dressed in a button-down shirt and navy dress pants. The expression he wore was nearly as dark as the clouds looming overhead. No doubt he believed it was her fault they had barely made it there only moments before that morning’s service was set to begin. Not that she could blame him.
Lila’s gaze moved past Mason to the open pair of wooden doors, and panic flickered to life in her stomach. She had bigger worries to focus on at that moment than Mason’s accusatory stare. She was about to face God.
Finn broke into a run toward the church and his awaiting daddy.
Relief replaced the angry expression on Mason’s face as his attention shifted to the boy racing toward him. His son. Had he thought Lila would go against her word and keep their son from attending that morning?
Mama Tully stepped in close to her. “You can do this,” she whispered supportively.
With a nod, Lila raised her chin and then, slipping her arm through her foster mother’s, started in the direction of the church.
Mason had just reached out to affectionately tousle Finn’s hair when she reached them. Letting his hand fall away, he looked to Lila. “Jake and Violet are saving seats for us. Momma just went in to take hers.”
“I’ll go on in,” Mama Tully said, slipping her arm free of Lila’s. “See you all inside,” she said as she left Lila standing there with the two men she loved most in the world. The same two who would probably prefer her to be anywhere else but standing there with them.
“Addy called as we were getting ready to leave,” Lila said, feeling the need to break the uncomfortable silence.
“You’re here,” he said flatly, looking once more to his son. “That’s all that matters.” Then, inclining his head, Mason said, “We’d best get in there. Reverend Hutchins will be starting his sermon soon.”
“You go first,” Lila said. “We’ll follow.”
But Finn didn’t follow. Instead, he started up the center aisle, practically pinned to his daddy’s side. Every single pew was filled and rippling with that Sunday-morning exuberance Lila remembered from so long ago. She slowed her step, searching the back pews for Mama Tully. Mason, however, continued moving forward, as did Finn. Before Lila could call her son back, to inform him they would be taking their seats at the back of the church, she caught sight of Mama Tully waving to her from the very front pew.
In addition to things already not going as planned, her foster mother was seated next to Mason’s family, talking with Mrs. Landers. Violet briefly met her gaze and then turned away. Jake, as she’d expected, chose not to even acknowledge her presence. More and more curious gazes turned her way with each advancing step she took. Open chatter quickly dropped to muffled whispers, causing Lila’s heart to pound all the more fiercely in her chest. Nothing less than she deserved, but she continued onward. Forgiveness from the Lord lay in this moment, in her willingness to face up to what she had done. For herself. For her son. For all those she loved.
Mason nodded in every direction, offering morning greetings and hellos as he went, just as he had done every Sunday service when they were teens, as if he hadn’t a care in the world. Didn’t he realize the ramifications of what they were about to do? And why did they have to choose that day of all days to sit in the front row, where every single pair of eyes would be upon them? They never sat that far forward. Or, at least, they hadn’t when she’d lived in Sweet Springs. She’d changed. She supposed others could have as well, since she’d been gone, in both mind-sets and everyday routines. She prayed that were the case, because she couldn’t bear the thought of them judging her son because of the choices she’d made.
Mason stopped next to his family’s chosen pew, bent to say something in Finn’s ear and then turned, waiting for her to catch up. When she did, he casually extended a hand, motioning her to take her place in the pew. “After you,” he offered up with a surprisingly warm smile.
Pinning her gaze to the wine-colored carpet beneath her feet, she stepped past him and eased down onto the pew next to Mama Tully. Mason sent Finn into the row after her and then promptly settled his six-foot frame onto the end of the pew, nearest the center aisle.
The only good thing about almost being late for Sunday service was that there had been no time to mingle with the rest of the congregation beforehand. No time to be asked or to have to answer questions.
The organ music ceased playing as a man Lila could only assume was Reverend Hutchins stepped up to the pulpit, a welcoming smile on his time-worn face. “Good morning,” he called out into the microphone in front of him.
His greeting was promptly returned in unison by those attending that morning’s service.
“It’s so good to see so many of you here today. Especially Vera Tully,” he added, looking Mama Tully’s way.
She nodded in response, her fingers curled lovingly around the edges of the worn Bible she’d carried with her to church ever since Lila had first met her foster mother.
“God does listen to our prayers,” the reverend said to all those seated before him.
“Amen” was muttered throughout the pews.
“Today’s sermon,” he began, “is about not casting judgment. I decided on this topic after a lengthy discussion last evening with Mason Landers.” He directed his kind gaze to Mason. “Mason has asked if he might say a few words before I begin this morning’s service. Son,” he prompted, stepping aside.
“Mason?” Lila gasped softly as he stood and moved toward the podium. She sat forward, as if to run after him. To stop him from whatever he was about to say.
“Let him go, dear,” Mama Tully said in a whisper.
“What is he doing?” she said, panic rising inside her. Was he going to condemn her in front of more than half the town? While her son—no, their son—sat looking on? Finn hadn’t asked for any of this. She prayed Mason’s resentment wouldn’t blind him to the hurt his actions could cause their son.
“He’s doing what needs doing,” Mrs. Landers said softly, her focus resting on her son. “That’s why we’re all seated here together. To show our support.”
Mason cleared his throat, drawing Lila’s panicked gaze back to the pulpit, behind which he now stood looking out over the hushed crowd. “Nine years ago,” he began, and Lila felt the palms of her clenched hands moisten, “I sought forgiveness for a moment of weakness. One that came about because I sought to give comfort to the girl I loved.”
The girl who had loved him. Still loved him, she thought sadly.
“The girl I had intended to marry,” he went on, his deep voice filling the room.
“I think he’s talking about you, Momma,” Finn said, his gaze pinned on his daddy.
“And though it’s true that I veered off the spiritual path that I had walked upon my entire life, the Lord did not set me aside,” he said, looking to Lila. “Because God is forgiving. So much so, despite my sin, He saw fit to bless me with a son.”
Shocked gasps and muted whispers moved like a wildfire on a windy day throughout the congregation.
Mason looked to Finn, a tender expression moving across his tanned face. “I’d like to thank Reverend Hutchins for al
lowing me this opportunity to introduce my son to all of you. I pray you will make Finn feel every bit a part of this town as you have me.”
The reverend stepped up beside Mason, placing a supportive hand on his broad shoulder. “I have no doubt they will. Thank you for trusting us with your truth.”
Guilt sliced through Lila.
As Mason returned to his seat, Reverend Hutchins returned to his place behind the podium. His focus was on Finn. “I’d like to be the first to welcome you to our church, Finn, and to Sweet Springs, as well.” Then he looked to Lila. “Welcome back to the Lord’s house. We’re glad to have you here.”
“Thank you,” she replied.
Words of welcome rose up from the surrounding pews, filling the sanctuary.
At their kind words Lila turned her head to glance down at her son. Joy was written all over Finn’s face. He’d wanted a father of his own and all that came with it for as long as Lila could remember. And now Finn had that and so much more.
Somewhat sheepishly, her son returned the reverend’s smile. “Thank you for having me,” Finn replied, in not quite the booming voice of his father, but loud enough to be heard throughout the room. “Is this when I get to send a prayer up to God to thank Him for giving me a daddy and a new family?”
Lila’s heart tugged at her son’s request. God had given her son the family she hadn’t been able to. Because the only way to have given him more, other than returning to Sweet Springs and confessing her long-held secret, was to marry and have more children. But marriage had never been a viable option for her. Not when her heart had long ago been given to Mason.
Her gaze lifted from Finn’s beaming face to find Mason, a man of fairly controlled emotion, holding back tears, a knot of emotion bobbing up and down in his throat. On the other side of Mama Tully, Mrs. Landers was sniffling softly and dabbing a tissue to her eyes. Jake and Violet held hands in silent support as they looked on.
Reverend Hutchins smiled down from his pulpit. “The Lord welcomes any words you feel the need to share with him, now or anytime you feel the need to speak to Him. Be it here, or at home, or wherever you may be.”
Finn nodded and then looked up at his daddy. “I’d like to tell him now, if that’s okay. While we’re in God’s house. Because He gave me the best present I could ever ask for.”
Lila felt a huge piece of her son’s love slipping away from her in that moment. A piece that hadn’t rightfully been hers to begin with, but it hurt all the same. Lord, she found herself praying silently, please help me to be strong.
* * *
“Mason.”
He turned as his momma stepped out onto the back porch, where he’d stood for a long while looking out over the nearby orchard following Sunday service that morning.
“Your lunch is getting cold,” she said, concern written all over her face.
“I’m not hungry.”
She nodded in understanding. “I’ll cover your plate and put it in the refrigerator. You can eat it whenever you feel up to it.”
After that morning’s service, Mason had stayed behind to field several expected questions from their closest friends, while everyone else had returned home, Lila and Finn included. His son had wanted to remain behind with him, but his tender ears needed no more detail than what he already knew about the situation. At Finn’s age, vague was enough. Someday, however, it might be a different story. Some Mason’s to tell. Some Lila’s.
His heart felt relief at having the truth out, yet rehashing the past that morning had played havoc on both his mind and his heart. There had been a time that he’d imagined what it would be like to attend Sunday services with his very own family, Lila and any children they might have had. That time had finally come, although not at all as he had pictured it. Even so, his son was there to share in his faith, just as Mason had his own daddy’s. And he was grateful Lila had chosen to accompany their son that morning. It couldn’t have been easy for her, but it was a start toward the healing that needed to take place between all of them.
“I’d appreciate it,” he replied, hating that he was causing her to worry needlessly. He was a grown man. He would be fine. “I just need to spend a little time out here, taking in the fresh air and sorting through my thoughts.”
“No doubt you have a great deal weighing on you right now,” she acknowledged. “Finding out that I have a grandson hasn’t quite settled fully into my mind yet, either.”
“Thank you for offering your support at church this morning. You, Jake and Violet.”
“Honey, we’re family. Finn, too,” she added with a smile. “We stick together. I’m just glad Lila decided to attend this morning’s service.”
Mason looked to her in surprise. “You wanted her there?”
His momma nodded and then crossed the porch to a planter. “I wanted my grandson to join us, something that might not have happened if Lila chose not to attend,” she said as she reached up to pluck a handful of wilted flowers off the potted petunia.
He shook his head. “That wasn’t going to happen. Lila knows where I stand on the matter. Our son was going to attend church this morning, with or without her.”
Stepping away from the porch railing, his momma turned to face him. “Even though Finn is hurt, she’s still that boy’s momma. The only person he truly knows here in Sweet Springs. It stands to reason he’d feel more at ease with her by his side, so, yes, I was glad to see her there.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he said grudgingly. Finn was dealing with so much as it was. He didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way.
“She’s trying, Mason,” Constance said, her tone gentle. “I can only imagine the amount of courage it took for Lila to step through those doors today, knowing she’d wronged so many who cared for her. As much courage, I would say, as it took for you to stand in front of the congregation this morning and tell your story.”
He nodded. It had been hard, but it had been done in his son’s best interest. He’d done it for the girl he’d once known and loved. The woman he still harbored feelings for, no matter how deeply she had hurt him.
“I’ve never been so proud of you,” his momma went on. “I know your daddy would have been, too.”
Mason wasn’t so sure about that, but he’d take his momma’s word for it. She’d known his father far longer than he had. His parents had been married for going on twenty-five years when his daddy passed.
“I thought about him last night,” Mason said, the emotional admission adding rasp to his voice.
“You did?” his momma replied with a heartfelt smile.
“I thought about all the talks we had when I was growing up,” he told her. “About all the sermons I’d heard Daddy give. About how much I wish he was still here to talk to, because I know he’d offer me guidance when it comes to finding it in myself to forgive Lila for what she did. Then I lay awake, praying for God to help me find the right words to speak in front of this morning’s congregation. Praying even harder that my son would be accepted by those I’ve known all my life.”
Looking up at him, her expression tender. “As Reverend Hutchins said this morning, God does listen to our prayers.”
Not always, he wanted to say, but he left the words where they lay, just beyond his tongue. God had given him the greatest gift of all.
“Your words were spoken from the heart, they were repentant and honest, and while you had the opportunity to cast Lila in a very poor light, you didn’t.” His momma went back to sprucing up her petunias. “That, to me, is the beginning of forgiveness.”
“I was protecting my son by protecting her.” But the truth was he couldn’t bring himself to intentionally cause her pain,. Not when his feelings for her, much to his chagrin, still occupied such a large part of his heart. These emotions had only reawakened with her return.
His momma looked up at him with that knowi
ng look only a mother could give. “And not because a part of you still cares for Lila?”
“We were over a long time ago,” he countered with a frown.
“The two of you have a son together,” she said. “It’ll never be over completely. Finn will always be that shared connection between the two of you. But since you’re over the feelings you once had for Lila, something only you could know because it’s your heart that had once been so deeply invested in her, it’ll make things a bit easier for you two to talk with calm, clear heads.”
“I’m over her, not over what she did to me. It’s not something I’m sure I will ever be able to get past.”
“Mason,” she said empathetically.
“I loved her, Momma. Intended to marry her, and it had nothing to do with taking responsibility for my actions. Our actions. But instead of the happily-ever-after life together I’d conjured up in my mind for us, she ran off without ever looking back.”
“She loved you, Mason,” his momma said tenderly. “I saw it in her eyes whenever the two of you were together. I can’t begin to tell you why she did what she did. Only she can do that. That said, I’ll leave you to your fresh air. Holler if you need anything.” She moved to place a kiss on his cheek. “I’m not your daddy, but I am here for you anytime you need to talk.”
A warm smile tugged at his mouth. “I love you, Momma.”
“Love you, too.”
After she’d gone, Mason’s thoughts went back to Lila.
I still have your picture. That unexpected admission, he thought with a heavy sigh, had reached right into his closed-off heart. I carry it with me everywhere I go.
He didn’t want to think about what that meant. It was easier to feel the anger than the hurt. Easier to believe she’d never loved him than to consider the possibility that she had done what she’d done for his sake. Because to do so filled him with all the what-ifs he’d rather not contemplate. Like, what if she had come to him when she’d found out they were going to have a baby? Trusted him to stand by her side, working through whatever hardships they might have faced together? What if he’d proposed to her sooner and had been able to reassure her that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her? What if he’d made more effort to convince her that he wasn’t like her daddy, who had walked away when Lila’s momma told him she was pregnant with his child?
