by Marie Scully
Then water covers my ears, making the words around me fuzzy, and I move my arms and legs sideways, gliding through the water and closing my eyes. Water quickly engulfs me as arms beneath me pull me under quickly. Opening my eyes underwater, I see that Ben was the one who dared disturb my peace. He immediately kicks away from me, but he’s not going to get away that easily. I follow him through the water.
We both pop back up for air and I splash him. He gives a good-hearted chuckle. “Sorry, Danny, I had to. You looked too happy.”
I splash him again, but he’s expecting it this time and blocks most of the water with his hand.
“I’ll find it in my heart to forgive you, but you owe me a drink.”
“All right, deal.”
I look back to the land and see that Megan is now in the water as well. Nicole is lying on a nearby rock, sunbathing.
Ben notices as well and calls over, “Nicole, are you not getting in?”
She continues to hold her hand in front of her eyes as she yells back, “No, I’m going to try and get a tan. Plus, I just had my hair done and don’t want to ruin it.”
Megan, looking surprised as well that she’s not getting in, asks, “Then why did you want to come out here?”
I glance at Liam as he rolls his eyes and drops underwater, I guess not wanting to say what he was thinking. Nicole finally responds with a simple wave of her hand, dismissing all of us.
Chapter Eight
Danny
After being in the water all day, the guys final get out around 5 p.m. to make camp and feed the horses. Making camp doesn’t take long, as we only brought five sleeping bags, food, and drinks. Once the fire catches, we start to make dinner. My body feels hot and not just because of the fire. I keep feeling Liam’s eyes on me as if he’s taking in everything I do and say. Trying to put me together like a new puzzle. I could save him the time and tell him that he won’t be able to. Some of the puzzle pieces are too torn to fit anywhere and even if they did the puzzle wouldn’t make sense. Nevertheless, I still can’t help the way my body flashes with heat when his eyes meet my own.
Liam, Ben, Megan, and Nicole talk about the good old days, reminiscing. I have nothing to add to these conversations and watch the fire crackle and burn instead. The flames dance, getting larger as they takes their fuel from the wood, and I let my mind wander where it may, the flames forming a memory that I buried long ago.
❖
All the voices fade as I watch the firefighters remove James from the burning car. At first, he said nothing, as if he’d been knocked out from the crash. But then his lips moved and screams escaped. My legs try to run towards him but one of the men from the crowd keeps me away. He doesn’t understand. I want to explain to him that it’s my brother, but my lips won’t move.
I want to explain that it was my fault he was in the car. He was coming to get me, after all. Any other day I could handle the taunts from the other kids in my class but today I just couldn’t. It was the letter’s fault. I found it hidden in my mother’s possessions that morning when I was digging for one of her few necklaces. Sometimes when things got too hard, I would hold one of the items of hers we still had, and it would make me feel better.
Instead of finding one of her necklaces, I found a letter that was addressed to me. I knew I shouldn’t open it, but the more I stared at my name on the envelope, the more I needed to. I looked around to make sure James wasn’t nearby and only then did I tear open the letter.
My mother’s handwriting greeted me.
Danny,
If you’re reading this either you found it on your own or your brother kept his promise and gave it to you when he thought you were ready.
I can only imagine the feelings you have towards your father. I don’t blame you. What you must understand is that he wasn’t always this way. There was a time when he was a very different man. I met your father when I was working at Lucy’s as a waitress. We were both young at the time, in our early twenties. After his meal, he gave me his number. I hadn’t planned on calling him or seeing him again.
But there was something about him that I was drawn to, and after a few days I did call, and we did go out. After our first night, we became inseparable. We had much in common and he made me laugh. Over time I learned that he had another life. He was engaged to another woman who knew nothing about me. When I found out I was furious and confronted him. He told me that he loved me and that the woman meant nothing to him but was his father’s business partner’s daughter. It was expected since birth that they would marry. I believed him and I think he believed it as well.
When I found out I was having James, he swore that he would leave his now wife and we would finally be a family. But months later I found out the truth that he was never going to leave her. From that moment I cut him from our lives. It wasn’t until years later that he came back. He was upset because of where his life was and begged me to give him another chance. I don’t regret that night for it gave me you.
He showed his true colors once more, but this time I wouldn’t fall for his lies. I don’t write this to you because I want you to hate him or for you to think better or worse of me. I write this because one day you will find someone worthy of you and I want you to know that my mistakes shouldn’t be yours. You should believe in love and be willing to give, but search for the love you deserve. Hopefully one day that makes sense. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you in all the ways I wanted to be but know that I love you. Always.
Love, Mom
After reading that, I was angry. Angry at Mom and James. Angry at everyone. James asked me what was going on with me on the way to school but I didn’t want to talk to him. Then I finally snapped at school, leading to James being called to get me. The drunk driver ran the red light and hit him, two miles away from the school. His legs were crushed in the crash and would cause him pain no matter how many surgeries he had. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Before either of us knew it, he’d begun to take drugs to numb the pain. At first only a little to take the edge off, then he lost himself.
❖
The crackling of the fire brings me back to the scene in front of me. Nicole’s eyes start drooping after the sixth story from Ben and her body starts to slip to the ground as she mumbles that she’s not going to bed just getting comfy. Megan and Ben keep looking at each other while trying to not let on that they’re looking at each other until they wander off somewhere to “watch the stars.” Nicole falls asleep by the fire, and Liam goes to gather more firewood. This gives me a few moments to wander and think.
After finishing my last bite of s’more, I walk away a few feet before I find a spot to sit. It’s started to get chilly, with a light breeze rustling the leaves. I let my mind be still for a few moments. I feel like all I’ve done today is think, and it’s tiring. Some days I wish I was more like James and able to let loose.
The breaking of sticks has me swinging around. Liam is walking towards me with his hand up. “It’s just me. Don’t worry. Can I join you?”
I nod my okay, and he sits beside me on the log. His leg intentionally or unintentionally grazes my own as he sits. He doesn’t make the move to make space between us. Then again neither do I.
Sitting in silence with Liam is surprisingly comfortable. Most people feel the need to make small talk, or I start to feel as if I need to, but I think Liam talks and gets talked to all the time and is enjoying the quiet. It must be exhausting having to be on all the time.
“Excuse me?” Liam’s question tells me I’ve spoken my thoughts out loud. He looks shocked by what I said. I was shocked it had slipped out; I never let that happen. I guard my thoughts and feelings behind an iron gate. How the hell these words slipped past, I have no clue.
Looking at him quickly, I try to judge if he’s pissed, but at a quick glance, it seems to be more surprise. Glancing away, embarrassed, I try to save the situation. “Sorry. I mean, it’s nice to have peace. I watched you at the party and you were pulled in different directions
and into different conversations. I was tired just watching. It seemed like everyone needed you. It would have to get tiring keeping up.”
“One could say the same to you.”
Now it’s my turn to be surprised. What the hell did he mean by that? “What?” I ask, swinging back to face him.
“You’re right. It does get tiring having to be on all the time. But you’re in your thoughts all day every day. If I were to bet, never letting anything out that you don’t want. That can be just as exhausting.”
I continue to stare at him, wondering how the hell he got that close to the truth.
My face must have betrayed my thoughts because he says, “I watched you today and at the party. You were guarded. When people said anything to you, you took a second, as if you were weighing the pros and cons of each possible answer. You’re right, I do have to be ‘on’ as you put it, but I have to think that’s better than having to play each option out in my head before speaking.”
“Hm. Don’t you have the same mind games going on?” I ask, reeling from the conversation as a whole. “It may not take you as long to decide on an answer as me, but you’re still only saying what you think people want to hear.”
His lips curve into a small smile, but I wouldn’t describe it as happy.
We’re both quiet for a few minutes till he breaks the silence with, “You’re right. The quiet is nice. Not a lot of people allow me to sit outside of Ben and my sister. Megan too, at times, but even she sometimes has a problem just sitting. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” The need to break the seriousness of the conversation is overwhelming. “I’ll be here all week,” I attempt to joke. That gets a small laugh until I feel him staring at me intently.
“What are you looking at?” I ask, looking to see if I have something on me.
“You have some chocolate near your lips.”
I was thankful it was just that. “Where?”
“There,” he says, pointing to the corner of my lip.
I try to rub it off and ask him, “Did I get it?”
“No, let me help.”
He moves closer, and I hold still, but my breathing speeds up the closer he comes. His finger touches the corner of my bottom lip, giving it a slight tug. There go those butterflies again. Maybe this was the moment I could let loose. No one’s here but us. No one has to know if I take this moment.
“Did you get it?” I ask breathlessly.
In that moment, as our breath hung in the air between us, everything else disappeared, as if the universe was giving me the go-ahead for one moment to not worry.
“Almost.” Then he’s leaning into me, and I close the distance—two magnets drawn to each other at the same time.
His lips give a slight brush against mine. Then he deepens the kiss, taking more, and I give more. His hand curls passively around my neck. None of my past kisses prepared me for this. They’d all been nice… but this… Liam’s kiss isn’t sweet; it’s demanding and passionate. My body tingles all over. I pull him closer and tangle my fingers through his hair. His arms move to my back, tight against me. Everything else melts away, leaving just us.
I can’t get enough of him, my body on fire. The feeling gets stronger, starting as a small spark then growing to an all-consuming fire. I don’t want it to end. Passion meeting passion, both of us melting into the other.
He pulls back and our eyes meet, each of us trying to figure out what just happened. His lips part in an attempt to say something, but I’m not ready for words. At least not yet. Leaning forward, I crash my lips to his again, and as before we match. Liam nibbles my lower lip and I can’t hold back the moan that escapes.
The crunching of leaves and sticks has us pulling apart in an instant, both of us looking at the other with crazed eyes, out of breath.
“I think they’re over here,” Ben’s voice drifts to us. “You guys over there?”
Liam and I continue to stare at each other, both trying to understand what had just happened. Liam breaks eye contact first, calling back, “Over here.”
Ben’s and Megan’s footsteps get louder the closer they come. I mask my face as best I can. Liam keeps staring at the direction they’re coming from, not looking at me. Did he regret the kiss? Did I?
“What are you guys doing over here?” Ben asks, questions swimming in his eyes as he looks between us.
“Just talking,” Liam explains before I can say anything. “Did you guys enjoy ‘stargazing?’” Liam asks, laugher in his voice.
Megan looks ready to hit him when Ben says, “I don’t ‘stargaze’ and tell.” Just as he finishes his sentence, Megan rams her arm into his, and he doubles over in fake pain. Liam and I both laugh.
“Nicole still sleeping?” I ask no one in particular.
“She was a minute ago when we passed her,” Megan replies, still glaring at Ben.
“We should get some sleep if we’re getting up early to head back.” Liam stands up while Ben and I nod our agreement. Megan tries to hide her yawn. Liam and I catch each other’s gazes as we lie down. What have I gotten myself into?
Chapter Nine
Danny
The ride back is a quiet one. Megan and Ben steal glances at each other, probably trying to figure out what’s going to happen next. Nicole says very little, but she glares at me for a good part of the journey. I can’t help but wonder if she saw Liam and me somehow and was only pretending to be asleep when the others went past.
My mind keeps going back to the kiss. I want to kiss him again but know it’s a bad idea. He’s Ben’s friend. Plus, I don’t know how long I’m going to stay here. Sooner or later I’ll need to move on.
The week after the camping trip moved like any other. Ben and I got up early to work, with Ben doing his schoolwork at night. The only surprising thing that happened was when Bill got a call from Noel on Friday asking if everyone wanted to go to town for the weekend. Ben had already made plans with Megan and decided to stay home, and I wanted to stay and do some cleaning and catch up on a few things, so I stayed behind as well. That just left Ben and I.
But trying to sleep Friday night didn’t work as planned, and I tossed and turned. My thoughts just wouldn’t settle.
Saturday morning rolled around and I got up to feed the horses, my mind still racing. Maybe drawing would help? At least I had the perfect muse.
The pencil moves quickly and precisely on the white page, and I take quick glances at Flame as I draw to catch his image. Occasionally he moves his nose to mess with the grass or glance my way as I sit on the hard wooden fence. For the most part, he’s been staring out over the fence into what must be, for him, the unknown. Picturing running in the wild and being free. Or maybe just thinking of the next apple I’ll give him. Either way, he has a thoughtful expression for a horse. I want to capture him as he looks out into the unknown. I can relate to wanting to move on before being forced to. Given his past, I’m sure he’s wondering when shit will hit the fan. Maybe I’m losing it and giving him too much credit, or perhaps it’s just that no one in the past has given him enough. A little more shading and the picture will be almost perfect. Or at least precise enough for only my eyes to see.
“I didn’t know you draw,” Liam’s deep voice says behind me.
Quickly I fold the page over as he climbs to sit next to me. There’s no point in hiding it as he’s already seen it, but I feel better not having his gaze on it.
“I don’t do it all that often. When I have some free time, I draw things that I can’t get out of my head. Flame seems to be on my mind often since coming here.”
Liam nods. His knee brushes my own, like it had on the camping trip. “He has the personality to stay in one’s mind, that’s for sure.”
I rack my brain for something to say but settle for, “What are you doing here?” I hope he didn’t want to talk about the kiss. I wasn’t prepared for that conversation. I should just beat him to it and tell him it was a mistake and shouldn’t happen again.
�
�Since Ben’s parents and Jimmy are away, I’ve talked him into throwing a small party here. I wanted to let you know and ask if you would come.”
I wasn’t expecting that. Ben’s parents will be pissed.
“Do you really think throwing a party here is a good idea?”
“You worry too much. You need to let yourself live a little. Ben took less convincing than you. That’s where Ben and Megan have been this morning—getting stuff for the party. It’ll be all cleaned up before his parents ever get home. Like it never happened.”
I just look at him. This isn’t a good plan. I can’t believe that Ben said yes.
He continues, “You in?”
“We’ll see,” I say.
“Cool, I’ll see you there then,” he replies as if I’d said yes.
“I said maybe, not yes,” I point out.
“I’ll see you there,” he says with all the confidence in the world. Then he winks and swings his legs back over the fence before jumping to the ground. Twisting my back, I watch his retreating form. His hands are in his pockets and he whistles with all the confidence in the world.
If he thinks that I’m going to show up to this party just because he expects me to, he’d better not hold his breath. I had no interest in this party. I’ll either stay in my room and catch up on my TV shows or stay out with Flame. Either way I won’t be attending this party. If he wants to pretend the kiss didn’t happen, that’s fine by me.
❖
Son of a bitch. I can’t hear my show above the music and voices. I yank the earbuds out and stomp to my feet. It was going to be a “small” party, he said. Small, my ass. It sounds like they invited the whole town. My phone shows 11:15 p.m.
My nice, relaxing evening is over. I throw off my sweats and in place put on light skinny jeans and a cream-colored sweater. I put the only earrings that I have here on—they’re simple hoops, but I feel better having them on—and add some mascara and light lipstick. Good enough.
