“No, I’m not.” He finally turned to look at me and I saw a faint shimmer in the corner of his eye. “They weren’t the problem—I was. I thought things could be different, but they won’t be. I’ll be too busy for you—you’ll be sitting at my front gate wondering where I am—just like today. Eventually, you’ll get tired of waiting for me to come home—and when I finally make it, you’ll be gone.”
“You’re making so many fucking assumptions—and it’s not fair.” The anger was keeping the tears at bay, but there was angry-crying coming—I could feel it.
“Nothing in life is fair.” He leaned forward and started to stand. “I should have admitted that to myself a long time ago.”
Walker walked to the door and unlocked it. I was stunned for a moment, but I quickly got control of my senses. I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I ran to the door and managed to catch the edge with my hand before he could close it. I gave him the option of slamming my fingers in the wood or letting go—he chose the latter. He was already walking to his bar when I got into his house. The hurt and anger were mixing together inside me. I wanted to lash out, but I needed to try and reason with him more. I knew I was falling for him, but I didn’t realize how strong my feelings had become in a few short days until the realization that it could be over was right in front of my eyes.
“Can’t we talk about this?” I followed him to the bar.
“We did.” He grabbed a glass and filled it with whiskey. “There’s nothing else to talk about.”
“Don’t do this.” I pushed his shoulder with my hand, which caused him to turn towards me.
“You want to hit me? Go ahead.” He tapped the side of his mouth where his beard met his lip. “Lay it on me—several of them if you need to. You won’t be the first woman to slap me.”
“I don’t want to hit you…” I grabbed the front of his shirt and took a step closer. “I want you to hold me.”
“Lauren—I…” His words trailed off for a second. “I just can’t. I’ve made that mistake too many times. I thought it could be different with you because I thought I was done with Dangerous Thorns—I don’t know how to be Walker Delaney and Jamison Thorn at the same time.”
“You won’t even try?” The tears that had been welling in my eyes finally spilled over the edges and ran down my face.
“I have tried—many times.” He shook his head back and forth. “The result is always the same.”
“Then let’s go down in a fucking blaze…” I lifted up on my toes until our lips were nearly touching. “Please…”
“It won’t be pretty.” He exhaled sharply. “I can tell that you think things will be different, but they won’t be. If there was another way, I would have figured that out by now.”
“I don’t care.” I closed my eyes and tried to blink away the tears.
I just don’t fucking care.
I kissed him. I didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t return the kiss at first, but then I felt his lips moving against mine. The glass in his hand wasn’t his first drink of the evening—I could taste it on his lips. He finally put his glass down and wrapped both arms around me. I couldn’t fight what I felt—I didn’t want to lose Walker, even if I was just walking the same path so many others had walked with the abyss in front of me. I was willing to take that risk. I understood his hesitation because he had told me how the other relationships fell apart—I knew it was literally asking for the exact same thing. History did have a way of repeating itself, but that wasn’t an absolute certainty. If I knew what I was getting into from the beginning, then how could it become what he feared most? If he pushed me away, there would be no chance to find out if it was possible.
If we’re destined to repeat his past mistakes, then I’ll do it with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.
13
Walker
Earlier that day
“Did you cry?” I looked at Jasmine as I started unbuttoning my shirt, which was covered in fake blood.
“No.” She shook her head back and forth. “You’re going to make a full recovery. How could I cry knowing that?”
“Am I?” I tossed the shirt and walked to the rack.
I should have put one of these on before I ruined one of my good shirts with fake blood.
“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you? This new girl—Lauren.” Jasmine tilted her head to the side as I slid my arms into my new shirt.
“How can I think about anything else?” I sighed and shook my head. “I thought it was going to be different with her because Jamison Thorn was going to die today. Now I’m just walking into the same trap I’ve set for myself so many fucking times.”
“Why can’t you just be an actor during the day and a normal person after you go home.” Jasmine pulled a cigarette out of her purse and lit it. “Other people manage to do it…”
“Very few. Look at the divorce rate in Hollywood. I’m sure we bring down the national average because we get married and divorced so many fucking times.” I sat down on the couch with a thud.
“This is the land of dreams and those dreams have a price.” Jasmine took a drag from her cigarette. “I bet there are plenty of people who claim to happily married, that would trade their life for yours any day of the week.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I fucking know.”
“God damn it, Walker.” Jasmine exhaled a stream of smoke. “This is some depressing bullshit. If you’re just going to wallow in your own pity, can we at least do it with a drink in our hand?”
“Why the fuck not?” I sighed and nodded.
I got a text message from Lauren as I was following Jasmine to the parking lot. The message was actually a blessing—she wasn’t going to make it to my house anytime soon. I fired off a quick response and then crawled into the passenger seat of Jasmine’s car. If I was going to start another downward spiral, I might as well get a few drinks in me before I drove home. Maybe I could get enough whiskey in my system to actually go through with what I had to do.
I couldn’t lead Lauren down a path that was filled with lies and empty promises. I was stuck playing the role of Jamison Thorn for another year—unless they decided to kill my character off again. After the negative reaction they got, I wasn’t sure that would actually happen. Even if I decided not to sign a new contract, they would probably leave the door open for me to return to put the backlash on me for choosing to leave.
* * *
“Gin and Tonic please.” Jasmine sat down at the bar and pulled a cigarette out of her pack. “He’ll have a whiskey—none of the cheap shit either.”
“Right away—Abigail and Mr. Thorn.” The bartender nodded quickly.
“How long do you think it’ll be before he realizes he called us by our character names,” I grunted under my breath.
“Probably around the time he realizes I’m not supposed to smoke in here.” She lit her cigarette. “I bet he’s too much of a pussy to say anything.”
“I don’t know. It looks like this is one of those places where they don’t give a fuck about the smoking ban.” I looked around a noticed a couple of plumes of smoke being ignored by the staff, and the smell was lingering in the air. “Then again—you probably knew that before you picked it.”
“Maybe.” Jasmine turned to me and smiled. “Okay, so carry on with your depressing diatribe.”
“I’m not depressed.” I looked down at the bar. “I just know what I have to do and I’m not looking forward to it.”
“Remember when we were young?” Jasmine tilted her head slightly. “You still had color in your beard, and I didn’t have to dye my hair. We used to go out on the town and break every heart that dared to come our way.”
“I’ll never forget those days.” I chuckled under my breath.
“Here are your drinks.” The bartender returned and put them down in front of us.
“Thanks.” Jasmine winked at him and picked up her glass.
“Sorry I called you Abigail. Dangerous Thorns is always on on
e of the televisions here—I’m kind of addicted at this point.” He looked towards me. “Hey, is it true what they’re saying on the Internet? They’re really going to kill Jamison Thorn?”
“You’ll just have to watch to find out.” I reached for my drink. “I don’t do spoilers.”
“Right, sorry I asked—just sorry in general. I’ll let you two enjoy your drinks and I’ll keep them coming.” He gave us a quick wave and headed to the opposite side of the bar.
“See, Walker. This is why we do what we do—we touch lives.” Jasmine laughed and took a drag from her cigarette.
“Except our own—our own lives just get fucked up beyond repair.” I exhaled sharply and my breath mixed with the smoke from Jasmine’s cigarette.
“It depends what you’re looking for I guess.” Jasmine shrugged. “I’ve never been that interested in settling down. Marriage? Forget it. I get bored of the girls I fuck too fast for that.”
“What if you found the one?” I sipped my whiskey. “Someone that was truly special.”
“That’s a dream people sell you so that you’ll tie the fucking knot. It was invented by assholes who didn’t want men to abandon the women they knocked up.” She waved off what I said.
“Maybe…” I sighed. “I always wanted to have kids—I wouldn’t have abandoned their mother either.”
“You? A dad?” She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you would have been a good one.”
“If I can’t make a marriage or a relationship work, I doubt I’d be very good at raising a kid.” I took another sip of my whiskey. “Just another dream that I get to piss on because I spent so much time being Jamison Thorn.”
Lauren was going to be different, but it wasn’t because I would be able to devote my time to her. She was going to be different because I was going to cut her out of my life before I had the chance to fuck things up like I always did. The fate of our relationship was sealed the moment Jacob said that Jamison Thorn wasn’t going to die. Lauren was amazing in every way, and breaking her heart was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but it was necessary. I just couldn’t go down the road I’d traveled so many times with blinders on, expecting things to turn out different.
I would throw everything I had into the character—I would bring Jamison Thorn home with me—he would infect my life like a virus until that sickness spread to our relationship. It was an unfortunate side effect of playing a character like that. I wasn’t the first person who endured that kind of conflict. I still couldn’t watch any of Heath Ledger’s movies without seeing what the roles he played did to him, especially since I once called him a friend. I wasn’t accelerating towards death’s door by any means, but I was trapped in my own personal version of hell. My demon had me locked in a contract for another year—and there was a chance that I’d sign my next contract in blood too if they offered me one.
“What time is it?” I put down my third drink and looked at my watch. “Shit, I bet Lauren is already at my house.”
“I guess it’s time to pay the bill.” Jasmine drained her glass. “Are you sure you should be driving?”
“You had more to drink that I did.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “I should probably drive you back to the studio.”
“Please, I can drive in Los Angeles with my eyes closed.” She scoffed and pulled her keys out. “You’re the one I’m worried about—I don’t want you to decide a telephone pole looks better than going home.”
“For fuck’s sake!” I shook my head back and forth. “I’m having a crisis—I plan to get home in one piece.”
Jasmine had really only seen me hit rock bottom once before—right after my third marriage fell apart. I managed to walk away from the first two with a shrug of my shoulders. The third took a toll. I was going to add another weight to that toll when I got home and ended things with Lauren. I would recover, but it would take a while. If I couldn’t have Lauren, then I would just return to the cold bed I had gotten used to since my divorce. Random hookups had lost their thrill, and I didn’t like pulling a woman into my bed because she wanted a part in a movie—not anymore. It took me a long time to grow up—but old dogs and what not—I was certainly that. I even had the silver beard to prove it.
* * *
I responded to Lauren’s message when I got back to my car. I definitely shouldn’t have been driving, but I cranked the car up anyway. It wasn’t a huge risk. There was a back road that would take me most of the way home and very few people took it. It would have taken a lot of effort to hit someone on that stretch of road. Once I got to my neighborhood, I cruised towards my house and watched for pedestrians. I usually didn’t see any—the kids in my neighborhood were far too rich to wander out into the street. Some of them even had bodyguards. I passed a couple of women that were jogging, but beyond that, it was as silent as it could be. I saw Lauren’s car when I got to my gate. My eyes started to water, but I fought to keep that at bay. I was great at breaking hearts—I just didn’t usually do it on my own accord.
There won’t be any acting tonight. I can’t pretend she doesn’t mean anything to me, even if I try.
I did my best. I really did. I tried to push Lauren away. I tried to be cold and distant. I even tried to bring the rage out so that she would hit me. That would have been easier. She just wasn’t in the same place I was—she didn’t have darkness in her heart. She wanted to fight for what we had. I did too—before I found out that I would just be swinging at an impossible target. Lauren—she really was amazing though. She took everything I threw at her and still kissed me. She still wanted me. Before I even realized what was happening, I had her in my arms. I was devouring those lips that I craved so much.
Our hunger was too strong for me to fight against. It felt like time stood still—or maybe it was the alcohol in my veins. One minute we were kissing and the next, I was upstairs in my room—with my desires overwhelming everything else. I tore at her clothes. I was conflicted, but I wanted her. It felt like my heart was tore in half in my chest, yet both pieces reached out to the woman that had come into my life like a tornado—a tornado that kept spinning when were naked in bed and my lips were teasing her body.
“Don’t push me away—please.” She purred into my ear.
“I’m going to hurt you.” I sighed. “It’s inevitable.”
“Then hurt me.” She dug her nails into my back. “Break me in half if that is what it takes for you to love me.”
“Loving you is easy…” I moved my hand to her clit and started rubbing. “It’s everything else that is so fucking hard.”
“Then tonight—just love me.” She wrapped her legs around my waist.
This is my fucking addiction and I don’t know how to let go of it. Fuck, I’m going to regret this tomorrow because I was so fucking close to pushing her away—now I just can’t do it.
I hesitated when my cock was pressed against the entrance of her pussy. She squeezed her legs tighter and tried to pull me inside her. I was scared—all of the emotions swept through me all at once. I finally couldn’t resist the desire that made me long for Lauren’s touch. It was more intense than everything else. I pushed the head of my cock past the entrance and she lifted her hips to pull me the rest of the way until I was as deep as I could go. I started thrusting while my lips moved against her skin. Every single touch of my lips felt like it was seared to her flesh—like they were leaving smoldering scars on her perfect body. I was giving in to something I should have ran from—pushed away from me—and damn it, I tried. I started to thrust, and the pleasure drowned out the hesitation. I could love her until our passion was satiated—but I wasn’t sure how long that would take, or what the morning would bring.
“You’re not here with me.” Lauren dug her nails into her back. “Come back to me—you’re so far away.”
“I’m trying.” I exhaled sharply. “It feels so fucking good—I promise I’m trying.”
My body craved her. Everything inside me wanted to plunge that sweet addiction into my veins and
overdose on the desire that stormed between us. Her words were true, even if I was doing everything I could to exist in that moment with her. My head was still a mess. My soul was gnawing at me. All of the things that could go wrong was tearing me up inside while my body crashed into Lauren. It became clear in that moment, in the reflection of worry in her eyes that hadn’t went away, that I had been wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to be Jamison Thorn and Walker Delaney at the same time—I didn’t know who Walker Delaney was. He was an illusion I threw in front of me when I stepped off the set. My body marched forward with his name scrawled on my skin, but he was never real.
I drowned that part of myself in lies that I’ve told myself, but the kid who would have become the man I was meant to be never grew up. He was replaced.
“Keep going—harder.” Lauren pressed her lips to my neck and exhaled sharply into my ear. “I want you to make me come…”
My thrusts got faster. I set all of the doubt inside me on fire and watched it burn out in front of my eyes. I embraced who I was—who I would always be. There was no other option. My hands found Lauren’s wrists. I pinned her to the bed and started to slam into her so hard that I could feel the wood underneath us trying to splinter as I abused it. I was no longer two halves of a whole, I was simply one entity that drew breath and felt pleasure. There was no Jamison Thorn. There never was. He was the real illusion—the real shield that allowed me to just do awful things and blame it on some sort of fracture formed from the character I played. That’s who Walker Delaney was. He was a broken man who didn’t deserve the woman in my arms—yet he wanted to consume her. I wanted to consume her.
“Your mine.” I squeezed her wrists harder and felt my cock throb.
“Yes—oh fuck. Yes, Daddy. You’re gonna make me come!” Lauren’s eyes locked on my stare.
Distinguished Daddy: Once Upon A Daddy Page 12
