by Aidan Wayne
Rafi frowned, clearly confused. Maybe from Jerrell’s tone? Was he expecting Jerrell to be completely unaffected? “It isn’t, that I disappeared off the face of the map. I wanted to explain in person. I… wasn’t sure if you’d gotten my text last night. So I wanted to do it sooner over later.”
Rafi had texted him? Oh no, had he tried to text him the news while Jerrell’s phone had been off? If Jerrell hadn’t responded, maybe that’s why Rafi felt the need to talk to him now. Get it wrapped up and out of the way. “It’s really fine,” Jerrell said, now more tired than anything. “You were clear enough, at the beginning, that this would be how things would go.”
Rafi blinked, then narrowed his eyes, searching Jerrell’s face. “Jerrell, what do you think I’m here for?”
Jerrell shifted, uncomfortable. “To… to break up with me?”
Now Rafi’s eyes widened, and he actually reared back. “I–you think I–and while you’re working?”
Jerrell shrugged, gaze on the floor.
“No,” Rafi said quietly. “No, that’s–that’s not it at all.” Jerrell picked up his head to stare incredulously at Rafi, who was watching him, expression unreadable. “But maybe this is part of a conversation we should be having at another time. When you aren’t at work.”
“Um. Okay.”
“Can I see you when I’m done at my practice for the day?” Rafi asked. “Any time after six. Wherever you’re like to go.”
“Is my place okay?” It was a safe space. And it would mean that whatever he and Rafi talked about, they wouldn’t be in public.
Rafi nodded. “Of course. Six-thirty? I can go over as soon as I’m done.”
“Alright.”
Rafi opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Six-thirty,” he said at last. “I’ll see you then.”
“Is everything okay?” Melody asked, coming over to them. Her voice was bright, but Jerrell could see the hint of malic. Aimed at Rafi.
“Everything’s fine,” Jerrell said quickly, hoping to nip that in the bud. Especially now that… what? Rafi wasn’t breaking up with him? Not right now? He hadn’t been ambushing Jerrell at work, at the very least. “I–we were just making plans to meet after work.”
“And speaking of work, I won’t keep him any longer,” Rafi said. He gave Jerrell a significant look. “There was just something I had to tell him.”
Jerrell made it back to the kitchen dizzy with possibilities about what Rafi could have meant.
And what it was that he really wanted to say.
Chapter Nine
When Jerrell got back to the kitchen and Mary’s curious glance, he made a beeline for his bag and pulled out his phone, turning it on.
There was a message from Rafi, sent Monday night around seven. I'm really sorry if I've been dark. I broke my phone Sunday morning and I just got it back.
Oh, fuck.
And then Jerrell hadn’t replied. Worse, he’d assumed. Assumed that Rafi was acting like the others. Assumed that Rafi, a total sweetheart of a man, would come to Jerrell’s workplace to break up with him while he was trapped.
Well. Jerrell had certainly shown his own hand. His own insecurities. Rafi might not have been planning to break up with Jerrell before, but after this? Jerrell almost wanted him to. He wasn’t good enough for someone like Rafi. Something he’d just made perfectly clear.
“Jerrell, honey?” Mary asked. “Everything okay?”
Jerrell loosened his grip on his phone and slid it back into his bag. “Yeah, sorry. Fine.”
***
When Jerrell got home, he grabbed stuff for the gym and went right back out again, planning for a distraction. Pushed himself hard, and by the time he was done, he was very ready for a shower and a nap.
He spent the time after that straightening his place up, since Monday had mostly been spent moping, which didn’t lend to being very neat. When he had nothing left to do, he sat down to the world of YouTube and the Baking is Tasty Science channel he’d discovered a few weeks ago, to lose himself to something he could actually concentrate on.
He scrambled to answer when his intercom buzzed, and ended up waiting awkwardly in his foyer until there was a knock on his door.
“Good evening,” Rafi said when Jerrell didn’t-quite yank his door open. Rafi was still wearing his suit and really must have come straight from work. That didn’t make Jerrell feel any better.
“Come on in,” Jerrell said around a dry throat. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Some water please,” Rafi said as he bent to take off his shoes. “May I go into the living room?”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
“Thank you.”
Jerrell went to fill two cups with water. No playful smiles, just even, measured tones. Like Rafi was being careful. But about what?
Rafi had left his chair in the foyer like–like he had on Saturday. He was sitting on one end of the couch, leaving Jerrell plenty of space. His cane was leaning against the couch arm.
Jerrell handed him a glass and took a seat on the other side of the couch. Giving Rafi space too.
“I’m sorry,” he burst out, unable to keep it in anymore. “For… for…” He closed his eyes. “I turned my phone off Monday night, and only got your message this afternoon. When you told me you’d sent it.”
“You assumed I didn’t want to see you anymore.” Rafi said quietly. Not a question, stating a fact. “When I wasn’t in communication on Sunday or Monday.”
Jerrell looked away. “I’m sorry. I… if nothing else, I should’ve known better than to think you’d do that to me while I was at work. I know you would never. I’m sorry.”
Rafi nodded. “It wasn’t a good feeling, the idea that you’d think that of me.”
Fuck. “I know. I know, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair. I guess I...” he stopped.
“What?” Rafi asked after a moment had passed.
Jerrell took a breath. “I’d, you know. I’d been waiting for it. So when I didn’t hear from you after Saturday, I guess that’s where my mind went.”
“You said something like that in the cafe too. How I was clear, when we started seeing each other, about how things would be going.” Rafi frowned. “And whatever that means… you were expecting me to want to stop seeing you. Sooner, over later.”
“Well, yeah.” It hurt having to say it out loud. “Of course.”
The frown deepened. “Why ‘of course?’ I…” and now hesitancy, “I thought we were getting along well. I’ve really been enjoying my time with you. I thought I’d been making that clear.”
Jerrell tried to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, and I’m really glad. I wanted your dry run to be a good experience. I’m happy I was able to do that for you.” Until I ruined it.
“Dry run?” Rafi asked incredulously. “What are you talking about?”
“Me you know…” Jerrell gestured helplessly. “Being your first date with a guy.”
A sharp pause, and then Rafi said in disbelief, “You thought you were my experiment?”
“I–yeah?”
“And you went out with me anyway?”
Jerrell looked away. “I thought I could at least pretend,” he managed. “That I was someone you really wanted to be with. I figured, if I could give you a good first experience, it wouldn’t be too selfish of me.”
There was no response. When Jerrell cautiously looked back, it was to find Rafi staring at him, expression completely distraught. “I’m sorry,” Jerrell rushed to say. “I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
Rafi quickly shook his head. “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m glad we’re talking about this. Because clearly it was something we needed to talk about and I didn’t even know it.” He raked a hand through his hair before meeting Jerrell’s eyes. “I asked you out because I thought you were attractive and endearing. I’d dealt with my own struggles and felt I was ready to date who I wanted to, and you were someone I wanted to take that chance on. And after dinner went so well, I wanted to keep taking t
hat chance.”
He blew out a breath. “I thought telling you that you were my first real date was opening up on my end. Being honest with you about how much I liked you, even after just a few days. I didn’t think you’d think I was using you. Why would you let me–why would you let me?”
Jerrell swallowed, unsure what to say. He felt like he should be apologizing. Rafi looked so upset. But it was almost as if he was mad at himself, not Jerrell. “It’s not your fault,” he tried.
Rafi glared furiously at the couch cushions. “Yes, please explain how making a wonderful man think he was worth nothing more than a fling isn’t my fault.”
“Because I never have been worth more than a fling,” Jerrell said in a rush. When Rafi looked up at him, eyes wide and startled, Jerrell continued, “People, um. People expect me to be a certain way. Because I look the way I do. Most guys want me to be… tough. Um. More–more dominant than I am. And they lose interest when I’m not. Or they’re just out for sex anyway, so it doesn’t matter as much that I’m quiet. A lot of my past partners weren’t–they didn’t–” He twisted his fingers together. “But I should’ve known better. I should’ve known you weren’t like that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you were just so great. I couldn’t… it didn’t make sense…”
“That I’d really want you?” Rafi asked, quietly now.
Jerrell nodded.
An awkward silence settled. Jerrell didn’t have it in him to be the one to break it.
At last, Rafi sighed. “I still feel as though I’ve made a mess of things. All this time I thought we were getting along so well, and we weren’t talking to each other properly. Which made you feel badly. That is my fault, even if I had no intention of it.”
“It wasn’t–”
“It wasn’t what?”
Jerrell bit his lip. “It wasn’t bad. At all. Being with you. I–I never lied about that. I wouldn’t have. I like you a lot. I enjoy spending time with you. I… knowing you really meant it… it just makes things better in hindsight.”
“I meant all of it. I know it hasn’t been that long yet but I want to keep meaning it.” Rafi smiled tentatively. “I’m glad this happened now. That we’re talking about this. And that I know now, more of what to be aware of. You aren’t an experiment. You’re a person I want to know and have in my life. I–If you’d still like to see me… Could we try again?”
Jerrell squashed the urge to ask really? He needed to try really hard not to doubt. Rafi had done nothing to deserve doubt. It was just Jerrell projecting his past experiences, and–
And neither of them deserved that.
He smiled back, small but real. “I’d love to.”
Epilogue
Snow crunched under Jerrell’s boots as he walked up the ramp to Rafi’s ranch house, and he shoved his hands a little deeper into his pockets. He always bought himself a pair of gloves at the beginning of winter, and he always managed to lose them after just a few months. He could remember having them in December, because he’d worn them when he’d gone to visit his parents for Christmas. Now though, New Year’s Eve–or afternoon, anyway–and he couldn’t find them. It was ridiculous.
He got to Rafi’s door and used his key to unlock it, which was its own little thrill. Rafi had given it to him just a couple weeks ago, when they’d had their own little personal Christmas celebration. It was his first time actually using it, he got a rush of pleasure at the door easily swinging open.
Rafi was still at work and wouldn’t be home for a while yet. He had New Year’s Day off though, as did Jerrell. Jerrell was going to spend the night, and then they’d get all tomorrow together too. For now, however, Jerrell had suggested that he bring over dinner and have it ready for when Rafi got home. The delighted expression on Rafi’s face alone had been totally worth the suggestion.
Jerrell was hoping to see that expression again, when Rafi saw what he had meant by “bringing over dinner.”
He unslung his backpack, set it on the kitchen counter, and began pulling out ingredients. He preferred making desserts, but he was no stranger to the rest of a kitchen. Rafi had experienced Jerrell cooking before, and had even been coaxed into helping, but this would be the first time Rafi would be coming home to Jerrell. Jerrell wanted it to be special.
Time to get to work.
***
Since he was used to baking with a precise plan to meet demand at specific times, Jerrell knew to start with the naan first, since that needed an hour to proof before being cooked. Once that was mixed and rising, he cleaned out the stand mixer so it’d be ready for when he needed it for the dessert. That was a nice thing about chocolate lava cake; it baked up fast and needed to be served immediately, but the batter could be made in advance. Ready to go and then a mere fifteen-minute wait, it was perfect to have after a leisurely dinner.
Rafi hadn’t even owned a stand mixer until the middle of November, when Jerrell had made a crack about how most baking endeavors needed to be done at his place, because he was not about whipping egg whites by hand.
The next time Jerrell had gone over, a brand-new mixer had been sitting proudly on Rafi’s counter.
He got the lamb rogan josh simmering, set the table, took care of the roasted vegetables, and had everything timed so that the rice was just done and ready to be fluffed after he’d finished cooking the naan and had it resting under paper towels.
And just in time to hear the front door open.
Jerrell grinned to himself. The house smelled amazing, and he knew it’d be the first thing Rafi would notice when he came in. He didn’t go to greet him though, instead plating and fluffing the rice, then going over to add the garam masala to the rogan josh. He was turning away from the stove right when Rafi stepped into the kitchen.
“Hey,” Jerrell said with a smile. “Welcome home. Had a good day?”
Rafi looked, wide-eyed, from Jerrell to the set table, to the pots and covered dishes on the stove and counter. “I didn’t realize you’d be making dinner. How much time did all this take you?”
Jerrell shrugged nonchalantly. “Thought it’d be fun to have you come home to something home-cooked on New Year’s Eve.”
Rafi came further into the kitchen. “This is amazing. Thank you.”
Jerrell grinned at Rafi’s awe. “Let’s see how everything tastes first.”
“It could be awful,” Rafi said, stopping in front of him. “It won’t be, because I know you, but even if it were, you still thought of it and spent all this time, and it’s amazing.” He smiled up at Jerrell, winding his arms around Jerrell’s neck. “You’re amazing.”
Jerrell grinned, fighting the urge to duck his head. “You’re not so bad yourself.” Then he leaned in give Rafi a proper welcome home.
***
They cleared the table together while the lava cakes baked, Rafi putting away the leftovers while Jerrell took care of loading the dishwasher. When everything was clean, Jerrell unmolded and plated the cakes. Rafi busied himself with pulling out two wine glasses and then heading to the cabinet where he kept his collection.
“Port or zinfandel?” Rafi liked wine and had a refined palate, but Jerrell had both those things plus training and an interest in all things food. Hyper focusing on learning about wine pairings was something he’d done on multiple occasions.
“The port for sure.”
Rafi grinned at him and grabbed the bottle, and they walked together into the living room. Rafi uncorked the port and poured, and Jerrell handed him a plate of cake.
He watched eagerly for Rafi’s reaction and Rafi didn’t disappoint, closing his eyes in pleasure at the first bite. “Good?”
Rafi opened his eyes. “Fantastic.”
Jerrell had to smile at the praise, no matter that he’d been hearing it all evening for every dish Rafi had tried. Even after months, Rafi was still very free with his compliments, but he was so sincere that it never sounded like pandering.
At Rafi’s request, Jerrell described how he’d made the cake, and the
n went into the chemical reactions that allowed the cake itself to bake while leaving the middle molten. The conversation lasted until they’d finished their dessert.
The empty plates and forks were set on the coffee table to be dealt with later, and they spent the next while reading quietly in the living room, curled up together on the couch. Jerrell had originally planned to stay up til midnight, but used to early hours, he was starting to droop by ten-thirty, even if he’d taken his usual nap earlier that day.
Rafi pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Why don’t we get ready to turn in,” he murmured against Jerrell’s skin. “It’s late.”
“You don’t want to stay up til midnight?” Jerrell asked sleepily as Rafi tugged him to his feet and started to lead him down the hall.
Rafi shook his head. “It’s fun enough, but arbitrary. You’re tired, and you’ve done so much today.”
“You worked too,” Jerrell protested as they walked into Rafi’s bedroom.
Rafi turned back to face him, taking both of Jerrell’s hands and kissing him softly. “All I want is you with me,” he said in the quiet of the room. “I want to go to bed with you tonight, and wake up with you tomorrow.” His smile turned playful. “And tomorrow morning I’m going to very much enjoy keeping you in my bed for a while. But for now,” he continued easily, “I’ll be happy enough sleeping next to you.”
Jerrell had to kiss him again.
***
Under the covers together, in the dark of the bedroom, Jerrell found Rafi’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Rafi?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
Rafi sighed happily. “And I’m so incredibly lucky.” He brushed his lips against Jerrell’s shoulder. “I love you too.”
