by CORY CYR
I’m in deep shit. I couldn’t continue to lie to Ronnie. We had always kept things open between us. How could I choose who to hurt when it involved two people I loved?
No, no, no, I cannot love him. I can’t see him anymore.
It had become complicated, and in the end, I’d be the emotional fatality. Ronnie would forgive me, and so would Kai. But I’d be left standing with my heart cleaved in two.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I never wanted to relive that pain of loss and regret, but it was too late because Kai had made me want to become a better person. One he would want. One he would love. And I knew I could never be either.
Chapter Nineteen
Kai
I should have been tired. I should have gone to sleep. But I couldn’t because the part of my brain that dictated logic was being overruled by my heart. I’d never been that guy. I lived by my own rules. No thick chicks. No middle-aged women. No ties. My life was perfect. All my hard work had paid off. I owned a prestigious fitness center. I had money. I lived in a penthouse, and tons of pussy was thrown at me daily. Yeah, I was living the dream.
Then why couldn’t I sleep?
I’d cut girls loose before. This was the exact reason I had rule number two. Bedding women more than once made them emotionally crazy, and with Tegan, it had been over and over. In fact, it wasn’t Tegan; it was me. I had my speech all planned out. The one explaining that we had to end having sex. But after being with her again, I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t have the guts to hurt her. If I were being honest with myself, I’d admit I liked her. She was sweet and effortless.
Maybe she was just grateful for the time we spent together, since the articles I’d read in the past made her sound like a withdrawn hermit. I mean, I’d be thankful if someone like me took an interest in a mature woman who had more body fat than normal.
Could you be more of a prick?
Tegan was more than a number on a scale. She was incredibly beautiful and considerate. Not once had I felt the eleven years between us. Her weight and lack of exercise bothered me as a personal trainer, but as a man, I looked past it because there was so much more to her than the extra pounds she carried. Her company was stellar, and the sex was phenomenal. And no woman had ever deep-throated me like she did.
I wanted to believe Reese and Jasper would never get it. And if I made the sex sound too inviting, they would want me to share.
There were no answers on how to save this thing we had.
After she rescued me from my drunken state, I should have sent Tegan away with just a thank-you. Instead, I fucked her and began a relationship. She accepted me, even though in the beginning, I had come across as a cruel and unfeeling asshole. Despite everything I’d said to her, she let me have her. The man who ridiculed Tegan to his friends behind her back and was insensitive during her training. She had allowed me to touch her when no other man had gotten close in over ten years.
Tegan trusted me. She had a vulnerability that appealed to my primitive instincts. Everything about her made me want to shield her from harm, not realizing I was the person she needed protection from the most. I would use her physically and mentally until I grew tired of her. When I felt fully sated, I’d move on. My behavior toward women had always been "me first." I thought of them as second-class citizens, not worthy of any attention, barring my own physical needs.
I continued to pace the floor, only stopping to sip some water.
By definition, I’d never invested this amount of time on one woman. Possibly, that was my personal reasoning for staying single and going from one to the next. During the last year, I had screwed several women more than twice, and it always ended poorly—probably because I was having sex with multiple partners at the same time. Monogamy wasn’t a word I was familiar with. I laughed at men that chose to be with only one woman. My best friend, Riley, had chosen to settle down and marry the only woman he had ever loved. What I hadn’t known before was he had been a virgin. He hadn’t even tasted alternative fruits, but I guess love trumped variety.
I had to think. I knew what made sense for my business and my personal life. But something was still tugging at me emotionally. I needed to get away. I would have Kim take over my sessions with Tegan. He was a no-nonsense professional trainer and would keep her on track. I would go to the mainland early in the morning.
I looked at the clock and realized it was almost four. After I dressed, I tossed some clothing into an overnight bag and scooped up toiletries, dumping them into another tote.
I stared at the messy bed and inhaled the scent of Tegan’s perfume and our sex as I moved to the living room. I left messages on Jasper’s and Reese’s phones. I told them I was burned out and was going to St. Thomas to lie low and get some much-needed R and R. Then I called down to the lobby and asked if there was anyone available to take me to the mainland. No one would be around until seven. I couldn’t wait. I would drive myself, but someone would have to come get the boat later.
I shouldered one bag and rolled the other to the dock. Tossing down my luggage, I started the speedboat. I should have been exhausted from lack of sleep, but I felt wide-awake.
My friends would demand answers when I returned. I had never just left like this. What no one actually knew was I wasn’t leaving.
I was running away.
Tegan would be baffled because I’d left no message, no reason. I just vanished. But I needed time and space. And maybe having sex with another woman would reboot my system. Hell, maybe I would fuck several. I could have stayed and managed to do these things here, but if I saw Tegan, she would stall all my plans. And I couldn’t bear to see the look on her face when she realized I was a fraud and just like every other man she’d ever known.
Chapter Twenty
Tegan
When I woke, I felt much less apprehensive. Only I knew I loved Kai, but that knowledge was enough to make me giddy. I knew he would never feel the same. He was young and had his entire life ahead of him. At twenty-six, he’d made a name for himself. I chuckled because that name included manwhore. I knew his reputation, and I was just one of many he had sex with. But I counted on the fact that I’d been the only one during the last five weeks. And that knowledge filled me with hope.
Today was my third weigh-in. With only limited time left, I wanted Kai to be proud of what I’d accomplished, even though he had a major hand in those achievements. I had come here under duress. I’d known it would be hard work and take extreme effort on my part because I wasn’t sure I cared enough about myself to stick to the program. Kai was such a prick to me during those early weeks. I’d never felt strong enough to follow the guidelines. Yet he compelled me to want it. To want him.
I told myself I was prepared for us to end badly, but emotionally, it would break me.
I pulled on yoga capris and a yellow workout shirt, and the clothes felt loose. I padded into my bathroom and studied my facial features. I appeared smaller. I stood to the side and noticed how the fabric of my top draped my figure. Then I grabbed my athletic shoes and strolled to the living room.
Ronnie sat at the table on the balcony.
“Do I look thinner?” I questioned as she ate her breakfast.
With her mouth full, she nodded. “I was going to say something last night, but it was late and you looked tired. Definitely, coming here has set this weight loss train in motion.”
I poured some juice, sitting across from her. “So you honestly can tell? Because I thought so, but I needed a second opinion.”
“Hasn’t Kai said anything? He is your coach, after all. I would think he’d be touting words of encouragement, praising you.”
He hasn’t said much because our sessions always end with sex. “Well, you know men. He’s never come right out and patted me on the back. Besides, I want your opinion. It’s the only one that really matters.”
Ronnie bit off a piece of toast. “So you two are still at it? You know, argumentative. Typical jock. It’s all about him. Oh, and I’m
sure he knows everything.”
The breath I was holding finally released. For a moment, I thought she knew, and I was too happy to argue and lie. I didn’t want anyone to burst this perfect bubble. “I suppose he’s improved, not so cocky. I’m supposed to do the boot camp course this week.”
She chugged her glass of juice. “I’ve seen that field. Are you sure you’re ready to try something that advanced? Jesus, T, I don’t think I’d be able to get even halfway through it.” She paused, handing me an apple. “Look, I just don’t want you disappointed if you can’t finish it. There’s a reason they call it boot camp. I haven’t seen you this excited in a long time. I’d like to keep that momentum going. Is Kai doing it with you?”
I paused for a moment because I didn’t know if he planned to run the course with me or stand and watch. “I’m not sure. Either way, he’ll be there.” I took a bite of the fruit and walked toward the door. Today would be challenging, but I knew I could do it because Kai had given me the strength and willpower to succeed.
Ronnie caught me at the door. “When you’re done with your shower, I need you to read these documents. Every place I left a sticky tab needs your initials or actual sig. Don’t forget. I have to overnight them as soon as they’re signed.”
“Just leave them on the desk, and I’ll do them as soon as I’m back.”
* * *
When I arrived at my fitness room, Kai was nowhere to be seen, but an equally athletic man met me. Hell, were all the employees rock hard and hot?
He gripped my hand, shaking it. “You must be Tegan. I’m Kim. I’ll be taking over for Kai while he’s away.”
My lips thinned as my heart began to race. “Can I ask where he is?”
He motioned with his head toward the treadmill. This man knew my routine.
I reluctantly stood on the machine. “Is Kai okay?” I asked.
“I didn’t get any details. All I know is he left for the main island this morning. Must have needed a break,” he replied as he started my treadmill.
I began to jog as my mind compiled reasons Kai wasn’t here. He needed a break. What? From me? From us? My stomach dropped, and I felt sick. I slowed down.
“Something wrong?” Kim asked, standing next to me.
“I’m fine. I just need to catch my breath.”
I bit back tears as I rested my head on the treadmill console. It was me. I was too fat, not good enough for him. That was why he left. To get away from me. I drove him away. He couldn’t stomach one more fuck with someone so disgusting and overweight.
The older woman.
The washed-up porn star.
The divorcee.
The fatty.
The loser.
He might hate me, but not as much as I hated myself. I had to face facts. No matter how much weight I lost, I would always be older and have a scandalous past. I could never escape those two things.
I should have recognized the signs of a man who wanted out. Kai had wanted to talk. Men only wanted to converse after sex to say it’s over. He hadn’t even had the balls to tell me to my face.
Wait. Maybe you’re jumping to conclusions.
I’d expected this. I was waiting for it, anticipating the end. What I hadn’t foreseen was Kai being mean and dishonest. I’d thought for sure his arrogance would lead him to be candid and tell me to my face that he didn’t want me anymore. Instead, he just disappeared, leaving me to my own inferences and mentally ripping myself to shreds.
“Need something to drink? Maybe you should sit down. You’re white as a sheet,” Kim said as he helped me off the machine. My legs felt like rubber, and my hand shook as I clasped the bottle of water. “Do you need me to call medical?”
I shook my head as I guided myself to a chair. I took slow, direct sips of the cold liquid.
Even though I knew this was coming, it wasn’t supposed to happen this soon. Would I feel better if Kai were standing in front of me instead of this muscled, hot-as-hell blond?
I decided to turn my sorrow into contempt. I was tired of blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my life. It was Kai who had made sexual advances. If anyone should have said no, it was me. Maybe I should have denied him and walked away, but he lured me with his charisma and looks. I would have to share responsibility for this clusterfuck.
I stood, straightening my spine and finishing the water. “No, I feel better now. I want to continue. I want to do boot camp.”
Kim’s eyes grew wide with alarm. “I don’t know about that. Just a minute ago, you were pale and almost passed out while jogging on the treadmill. I’m not comfortable with you attempting those obstacles. You just stated you weren’t feeling well. I’m not sure if you’re physically ready to conquer that course. It can be quite overwhelming.”
I tightened the cap and dropped the plastic bottle in the recycling bin. “Kai told me I was ready. It was his plan for me to try it this week. I’d like to stick to the program he prepared for me. I think it’s important to follow his curriculum.”
“Okay, if you’re sure you’re up to it. Honestly, my recommendation is you wait until Kai returns. But if you’re determined, I’ll be close by to aid in any way I can.”
I didn’t need anyone.
Kai could go to hell.
I wished I’d never come here. Damn Ronnie and her attempts to recreate my image by having me lose weight. The only thing that would fix my mind meld right now was a frickin’ cupcake. And the only kind available was some vegan concoction that probably tasted like shit.
Kim and I walked out to the boot camp course. Seeing it up close, seeming to go for miles, it looked monstrous and challenging. My stand-in trainer explained each segment and how to handle the different hurdles.
“Don’t be disappointed if you can’t do the whole thing. Most first-timers can’t. They build up to it.”
“Is that supposed to be a pep talk? Because if it is, you suck at it,” I remarked.
The sun was hot on my face as I prepared myself. My anger was my driving force. I could do this. I’d lost some weight, and I felt stronger. This would be a piece of cake.
Kim looked defeated. “Look, do what you can, but skip the others if it becomes too much. There are at least ten obstacles. If you can do half of them, I think that’s good enough. I’ve seen men that are fit as hell have to stop midway. So what I’m saying is just do what you can. You don’t have to prove anything. Least of all to me. And I’m sure Kai would agree.”
Yeah, well, that bastard can go fuck himself. “This is for me. I really don’t care what you or Kai think.”
I was sure he could tell I was angry by my hostile tone. I grabbed a checkered bandana and placed it around my hairline, knotting it in the back. Then Kim handed me gloves. I gripped the ladder wall and cringed because it looked immense close up. Slowly, I began to climb, rung by rung. Once I got to the top, I straddled it and stared over the view, marveling that I’d made it this far.
Going down the other side was much quicker and not as strenuous. I had ten tire runs to do that were harder to master than they looked. After I conquered those, there was what was supposed to be a hill but looked like a mountain to me. I had to run up and then down the other side, dodging different obstructions along the way. Next up was stretching across monkey bars, my arms extended to capacity.
I knew my limit, so I skipped the log toss and pull-up bar. I studied my next obstacle, which was timber hurdles. I imagined I was supposed to climb over them, but my common sense wanted to go under because it was easier. I shook my head and chose to try rolling my body across them. After I finished, I bent over, placing my palms on my knees. I was so tired. Every muscle in my body was screaming, even the roots of my hair. The sour musk of my sweat stung my nose. My shirt and even my socks were soaked.
I stared at the balance bar. I had a choice: tread carefully or go across it hand over hand. My arms felt rubbery, so I decided to attempt walking across it. Five steps in, I lost my footing and slipped, falling two feet
into a pit of sludge, entirely covered. I wiped the mud out of my eyes as I crawled to the edge.
“Jesus, that’s enough. You can stop now,” Kim yelled, pleading.
“No, I skipped too many. I’m going to keep going. I’m fine,” I shouted in return, tossing my gloves to the ground.
Once I shed a few pounds of mud from my face, mouth, and hair, I crawled on my belly through tunnels. Out of the darkness, I flipped a single tire. There were eight to toss, but those suckers were heavy and doing one was all I could manage. I felt drained. Sweat drenched my bandana, along with the caked mud covering me.
I looked at the large rope before me. I could either climb the one or swing to the other five. I wasn’t sure I was physically able to do any, but no matter what, I wasn’t giving up. I might have been a loser in love, but the buck stopped there. I decided to climb the one. I dangled as I pulled myself up, hand over hand. I wasn’t going to make it to the top, so I slid back down. Blisters covered my feet, and now I could feel them burning my hands. My stomach began to cramp. I was done.
Kim handed me an icy bottle of sports drink. “You were awesome. I’ve never seen a newbie so motivated,” he commented proudly.
I gulped half the bottle. “Yeah, but I skipped a few, fell in the mud, and only conquered the last one halfway,” I admitted between pants, hot and dizzy.
“Just be satisfied with what you accomplished. You’re kind of a rock star.” He put out his closed fist and softly pounded it to mine. “Kai will be elated.”
I swallowed the last of my drink and handed the empty bottle back to him. “Yeah, as long as Kai’s happy. Believe it or not, this was for me. He had nothing to do with it,” I mumbled under my breath as I stomped up the hill, heading back to my room.
* * *
“What the hell?” Ronnie announced
I sighed, knowing I looked as though I was covered in shit. “I told you I was doing the boot camp thing today. Well… this is what it looks like,” I pointed out.
