by Peg Streep
♦ Think about whether your sense of self is expanded or diminished by having sexual relations. That, too, is part of the work of distinguishing .
♦ If your lovers or friends have complained that you’re too clingy or distant, or it’s an observation you’ve heard frequently from others, it’s important for you to consider whether the appraisal is correct.
Confronting your own patterns of behavior isn’t always easy, but it will help you achieve what you want: a relationship with the right balance of interdependence and autonomy. The key is to disarm the automatic nature of your responses, but that can only happen after you’ve distinguished —recognized and understood your behaviors and what drives them.
Examine your reactivity: Because this behavior is largely unconscious, you need to get a bead on whether your reactions are actually being fueled by your experiences or your unconscious reading of those experiences. For example, a study by Lorne Campbell, Jeffry A. Simpson, and others showed, through a series of experiments, that anxiously attached people were much more likely to perceive greater conflict in their relationships on a day-to-day basis; more likely to report feeling hurt or sensitivity; and more likely to be negative about the future of the relationship than those who were not anxiously attached.
Questions to Ask Yourself
♦ Are your childhood scripts feeding your daily adult dialogue? Is your partner really as unreliable as you think and is the relationship really as rocky as you think it is at moments, or are you making the drama by being overly sensitive and reactive?
♦ Are your fears of getting hurt or misled making you push off from your partner?
♦ Are you taking your cues from the past or the present?
HOW IS YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE AFFECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
Research shows that our attachment styles don’t just play out in the bedroom but, more importantly, affect how we deal with crises, large and small. How does attachment affect our behavior when someone lies to us? We might as well start there since the number-one torpedo to relationships and the leading cause of divorce remains infidelity at almost 22 percent, as a study by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed.
Most of us assume that the immediate and ultimate deathblow to a relationship is one person’s deception, especially about something important, but research shows otherwise—only about 23 percent of relationships founder directly after the discovery of deception, and it turns out that attachment style plays a key role. That’s what a study conducted among college students by Su Ahn Jang, Sandi W. Smith, and Timothy R. Levine set out to examine, using a narrow definition of deception: “a case in which a person produces a message with the intent to mislead a relational partner about a matter of some consequence to the partner or the relationship.” What they looked at is way beyond the white lie, and includes intentional activity as well.
It’ll surprise no one that in this crisis, securely attached individuals addressed the issue with their partners directly and, as a result of these communications, were unlikely to end the relationship on the spot. Talking is constructive and while it may not defang the pain of deception, it helps the victim gain perspective. The anxiously attached talked around the issue but they, too, were unlikely to split that second. It was the avoidants—some 45 percent of them—who were saying au revoir immediately, leading the investigators to conclude that “avoidants terminate relationships most often, as they tend to avoid the personal after relational troubles. It seems that it is not important what exactly is said; it is important that couples not stop communication all together after the discovery of deception.”
Questions to Ask Yourself
♦ How does your attachment style shape your response to crisis or betrayal?
♦ How does it affect your ability to communicate with your partner?
♦ Do you tend to talk around issues or are you capable of addressing them directly?
♦ Do you simply consign the crisis to “elephant in the living room” status and avoid discussion entirely?
BECOMING MINDFUL OF YOUR AND YOUR PARTNER’S BEHAVIOR IN CONFLICT
In hindsight—and no, I didn’t see it until after we split up—my ex revealed himself when we disagreed on anything, big or small. I couldn’t voice an opinion without his laughing at me, rolling his eyes, trying to make me back down. When I didn’t, he’d belittle me, call me dumb, tell me he was sick of my endless complaints. If that didn’t work, he’d leave the room. Over time, I got braver and he got more abusive. It took 12 years, but I finally reached a tipping point .
~Erin, 48
Securely attached people are more able than their insecurely attached counterparts to successfully de-escalate, negotiate, and resolve all manner of conflicts, from small emotional flare-ups to outright warfare. It helps, of course, that they have a positive view of both themselves and others, which facilitates a willingness to explore solutions, a belief that the other person will do his or her best to be honest and direct, and a general optimism about the value of close connection and intimacy. They’re better at applying their emotional intelligence—allowing their emotions to inform their feelings and their feelings inform their thoughts—when there’s a conflict. They are also better at leaving a sinking ship when they identify one.
Because insecurely attached people have skill deficits when it comes to managing negative emotion, one way of pinpointing your and your partner’s attachment styles is to focus on how you disagree or fight. Marital expert John Gottman has long made the point that he can predict with 95 percent accuracy whether a marriage will survive based on how a couple fights, not whether they do. Ask yourself the following questions about yourself and then about your partner in an effort to further distinguish your attachment styles:
♦ Does discussing tender issues on which you and your partner disagree make you anxious? Are you overcome by fears that your disagreement will escalate out of control?
♦ Are you generally inclined to “let sleeping dogs lie” and avoid discussion and a possible confrontation as much as possible?
♦ Who is more likely to initiate a discussion, no matter how difficult, about something in the relationship?
♦ Are you able to stay calm in a discussion, or do you get defensive or aggressive almost immediately? Are you likely to be goaded more by your partner’s active response or by his dismissing you?
♦ Do you stonewall in fights? If so, how does your partner respond?
DO YOU RECOGNIZE TOXICITY WHEN YOU SEE IT?
Not long ago I got a message from a reader who asked, “Can you be in a toxic relationship without knowing it?” Well, yes: It’s possible for insecurely-attached women who have grown up with toxic treatment to normalize certain behaviors because they’re used to them.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to go blind to familiar things in your surroundings? How you stop noticing the pile of boots and shoes by the back door if it’s been there long enough? Or how your eyes can glide over the clothes hung on the exercise equipment without noticing them? These are mundane and homely examples of how we all sometimes “normalize” disorder. When you grow up with toxic behaviors—the verbal put-down, the silent treatment, the nasty humor that’s meant to make you feel small—it’s not unusual to get so used to them that you don’t even consciously register them. That can remain true even in adulthood.
The familiar feel of various kinds of abuse is further complicated by the fact that the insecurely attached daughter is also prone to misreading the cues in relationships—interpreting a rollercoaster type of connection with an avoidant person as highly passionate, mistaking controlling behavior as stable and focused, or not recognizing emotional manipulation when she experiences it. Among the behaviors an unloved daughter who’s not yet connecting the dots between past and present may miss are the following. Feel free to change the pronouns from masculine to feminine because these patterns are not gender based and pertain to all relationships, not just romantic ones.
He discounts or ma
rginalizes your feelings: One of the most consistent mantras of the unloving and verbally disparaging or abusive parent is “You’re too sensitive,” and it’s one of the easiest to believe and internalize. Emerging into adulthood, many daughters simply take this as a “truth” about themselves, and when their partner or love interest uses the same or similar words, they often acquiesce. These words—or ones like them that suggest you’re exaggerating or are a drama queen or thin skinned—should be a wake-up call that you’ve found yourself back in your childhood room in a very real sense.
He treats you with contempt or belittles you: You might not even notice it because you grew up hearing it, but contemptuous language and gestures aren’t part of a healthy relationship. That includes eye-rolling, sneering, or laughter meant to intimidate you or denigrate your responses or even your complaints, or speaking to you with heavy sarcasm (“It’s funny that you of all people would have the nerve to tell me to be a better listener” or “Since when are you an expert on relationships?”). These behaviors might be even harder for an insecurely attached woman to spot if they are used only intermittently or at moments of discord, which makes it easier for you to rationalize the behavior.
He withdraws when you make a demand: This most toxic pattern of connection is so widely recognized by psychologists that it actually has its own acronym: DM/W. Demand/withdraw is often a pattern between daughter and mother, especially when the child gets old enough or has the courage to confront her mother. In this pattern—and I am drawing from memory here—the daughter asks the mother why she’s treating her badly, and the mother withdraws and denies that it’s happening, says nothing at all, or says “I will not talk about this” and leaves the room. This is a relatively rare pattern among the securely attached because they understand that give-and-take is part of the process of connection, but it is common among the insecurely attached. The pattern not only cuts off discussion—assuming that the demand is a legitimate one that addresses a need one person has—but also has escalation built into it since the person making the demand will likely become more frustrated and the louder she gets, the more her partner will withdraw. (By the way, although men sometimes take on the demanding role, studies show it’s more likely that a woman will be in this position.) Each party feels aggrieved in this scenario. If every discussion you have with your partner devolves into an argument with the DM/W pattern in place, you need to be looking for an exit.
He manipulates your insecurities; Another legacy of an unloving mother is deep-rooted insecurity about one or more aspects of the self, which can coexist with real-world success and achievement, and is easily triggered. “I’m really self-conscious about my weight,” Maggie confided, “and in my last marriage, whenever I complained about anything, my husband would fight back by hassling me about how much I ate or how I looked fat or how other women looked so much better than I did. It took therapy for me to see the pattern. He wanted me to be docile and when I wasn’t, he attacked me.”
He projects his feelings onto you: Does this scenario sound familiar? You are supposedly “discussing” why he’s so against getting a new stove when the oven hasn’t worked in months and you can see that he’s folded his arms tight against his chest and that he’s working his jaw muscles and you ask him why he’s angry. Instead of answering, he turns toward you and accuses you of being angry, not just now but all the time, and he keeps on going until it turns into a full-blown tirade about how angry and dissatisfied you seem, and he’s sick and tired of “the same old tattoo.” Narcissists project their feelings in this way—in his book, Rethinking Narcissism , Dr. Craig Malkin calls it “playing emotional hot potato”—but so do other people who simply do not want to, or won’t, acknowledge and take responsibility for their feelings. This is, in part, a defensive strategy to deflect blame and fault from one party to another, and it’s both toxic and manipulative.
He always needs to be in control: Unloved daughters typically lack the sense of belonging that comes naturally to someone who was raised by a parent or parents who made her feel safe and good about herself. Unfortunately, these daughters are often drawn to men who appear to offer a safe haven—they may seem very sure of themselves, are often successful and driven, are outspoken in their opinions and beliefs—because they mistake control for strength and resolve. Because feeling powerless may be familiar—and echo childhood—a daughter may be slow to recognize that she’s being robbed of her own voice and manipulated into making choices she really doesn’t want to make. Control can also be exercised with stealth and a light touch as, for example, when one partner consistently “surprises” the other by changing plans the couple had previously agreed on.
REJECTION SENSITIVITY AND REACTING TO THE PRESENT AS IF YOU’RE STUCK IN THE PAST
How good are you at figuring out what makes you act and react? You’ve already identified your basic attachment style—secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive, or fearful avoidant—and it’s important to distinguish those behaviors that are driven by your emotional history. If you are anxiously attached, one such pattern is rejection sensitivity.
Of course, all humans are hurt by social rejection—we’re creatures who need to belong—and studies show that the pain of social rejection engages precisely the same neural circuitry as physical pain. It turns out that the word “heartache” is more literal than not. That said, anxiously attached people are much more likely to have high degrees of rejection sensitivity, which works to shape their behavior in complicated ways. The term “rejection sensitivity” immediately calls to mind romantic rejection—that exquisite pain when someone you love leaves you—but in fact, that’s just one component; this sensitivity affects a person on many different levels, influencing her expectations about interactions large and small and eliciting complex behaviors.
The scale developed by researchers Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman for use in experiments with college students covered a broad range of situations involving the potential for rebuff, ranging from the relatively benign (asking to borrow a classmate’s notes, asking your parents for extra spending money, asking a professor for extra help in a course) to ones that involve more personal rejection (asking someone you don’t know for a date, approaching a close friend to talk after you’ve upset him by saying or doing something, asking a friend for a favor) to situations that, should they end in rejection, could really pack a wallop (asking your lover to move in with you, asking your boyfriend if he really loves you, asking someone close to talk to you after a bitter argument). Again, these examples were developed for college students, but they can be adapted for adult life in most cases. The respondents were asked both how worried they were about how the other person would respond and how they thought the other person would react. Needless to say, all of these scenarios were more fraught for those high in rejection sensitivity than those who worried less about rejection.
Other studies have tracked the effect of rejection sensitivity on intimate relationships. One by Geraldine Downey, Antonio Freitas, and others hypothesized that people high in rejection sensitivity would actually get tangled up in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Their focus on possible rejection would elicit outsized and combative reactions to the slightest hint of it and that, in turn, would make lovers and friends head for the hills. And that’s exactly what the researchers found.
So if you’re sensitive to the possibility of rejection, here are some questions to ask yourself:
♦ If there’s drama in the relationship, how much of it is instigated by you?
♦ Do you tend to be drawn to people who make your anxiety more acute? Do you often find yourself in the “pleaser” role?
♦ Can you trace your sensitivity back to childhood experiences?
♦ How often do you fight with friends and partners? Do you see a pattern ?
♦ What kind of reassurance do you demand of your partner when you’ve been triggered? Do you escalate your demands?
♦ Would you like to change your behavior?
DOING AN INVENTORY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Part of the work of distinguishing includes looking at how many relationships in your life appear familiar—incorporating combat, verbal abuse, manipulation, or dismissiveness—and make you feel just as you did in childhood. Understanding why you are attracted to these people in the first place—the fake comfort of the familiar, the fact that their treatment confirms so-called truths you were told about yourself when you were growing up, the echo of older patterns as you have to prove yourself worthy of their love—is the first step in getting yourself to a place where you can begin to work on changing.
Think about the following:
♦ Why are you in the relationships you’re in?
♦ Do you always play the same or a similar role in your relationships? What is that role?
♦ Can you imagine a relationship that would make you happier than the one you’re in now? What would it look like?
♦ What kind of a partner would you like to be able to choose or find for yourself? What characteristics would this person have?
LOOKING TOWARD DISARMING YOUR DEFAULT SETTINGS
In the next chapter , “Making the Unconscious Conscious,” we’ll be looking at specific strategies and techniques you can learn to begin the process of healing and become more skilled at connecting in new, more consciously aware ways. To live differently and with greater emotional ease and contentment, you have to head in that direction.
CHAPTER SIX
MAKING THE UNCONSCIOUS CONSCIOUS
My wake-up call came when I realized I didn’t even like the people I thought I loved. I was trying to so hard to win my mother’s approval, mostly unconsciously, through people I loved or were friends with. Invariably, my mother would say how much better these people were and how much smarter they were than me, which set up competition on so many levels. In the end, I didn’t even like these people because it seemed I wasn’t even in the equation. I kept choosing people to get my mother’s approval, and they were just like her. I can see that now .
