“Josie, your cherry pop has been all over the news. What do you think?”
I bury my face in the couch cushion. “Oh, God.”
“Yeah.” She refills my glass. “And now you’re not even together anymore, which isn’t helping matters.”
“You understand why I had to do it?”
“I do, but unfortunately no one else will. What really concerns me is that you don’t look remotely pleased that your evil plan worked.”
We’ve moved on to our second bottle when Jude arrives. It’s his third visit since Ace left. He must be seriously worried about me to leave the bar so often. The sight of Teddy completely unnerves him.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt―” he begins hesitantly.
“Oh, just come in,” I snap.
He gives Teddy a look that is both apologetic and appreciative at once. “I need to speak to you,” he tells me.
“About what?”
“Ace.”
“Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Teddy. She knows everything.”
He picks up my glass and takes a huge swig of wine. “I take it your plan backfired.”
“My plan worked perfectly.”
“Epic fail,” Teddy counters with a small burp. Jude grins. “She’s utterly in love with the handsome bastard.”
“I knew it.” Jude toasts her with my glass.
“Hey!” I snatch back the glass. “I’m sitting right here!”
“Pining,” Teddy says.
“Miserable,” Jude agrees.
“Why don’t you just call him?” Teddy asks. “I’d like to meet him.”
“You’re pissed,” I remind her. “You’ve forgotten that he’s a liar.”
“Oh, yes. He is a liar.” Teddy gives me a narrow-eyed stare as if I’m playing Ace and she’s practicing for when they meet.
“Don’t waste it,” I tell her solemnly. She straightens her face.
Jude fetches a glass, and we spend the evening curled on the couch. My head is on Jude’s shoulder and, through squinted eyes, I see Teddy’s feet in his lap. There are three empty bottles on the table.
“You know what I think would be a good idea?” I slur, after an extended silence.
“What?” Teddy yawns.
“You two should get married.”
“Sure.” Jude shrugs. “Why not.”
“It’s not like I have anything better to do,” Teddy says.
“I can do it!”
Jude chuckles. “Not to take away from your impressive skill set, Josie, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t include marriage officiate.”
“I’ll be right back.” I trip over my discarded shoes and bang my knee on the coffee table, but it doesn’t deter me. Two minutes later I’m back, with my MacBook in hand.
“What are you doing?” Teddy grumbles. “I thought we were having a wedding.”
“We are.” A quick Google search and I hit pay dirt. “Ha! I knew it! I can get ordained in a couple of minutes.”
Jude peers over my shoulder. “It can’t be that easy.”
“It is.” I scroll down. “Some states require government registration, but California isn’t one of them.” I punch in my details and wait. Five minutes later, I’m ordained.
“Done.” I grin at both of them. Then my eyes fall on Teddy’s messy hair and her faded jeans and sweater combo. I frown. “Are you wearing that?”
She drops her chin to assess. “No. I’m going to raid your closet.”
“Go wild. I’m just going to download one of these sample ceremony scripts.”
Jude watches over my shoulder as I scan the different versions I could use.
“That one,” he says, jabbing at the screen.
“Minimalist?” I ask, squinting at the tiny text. “Are you worried I might forget my lines?” We both find that hilarious. Trying to compose himself, Jude sets down his glass.
“I better get neatened up too.” He’s wearing a checked shirt over a white Tee, and black jeans.
“How exactly are you going to neaten up?”
He does up all his buttons with clumsy hands. “Tah dah!”
“Completely transformed,” I giggle.
Jude laughs too, until Teddy steps back into the room. She looks exquisite in a dusty pink silk dress that I wore to the Golden Globes last year. She’s left her hair braided, and is barefoot, but her cheeks are rosy and her lips shimmer.
“Gorgeous!” I announce, clapping my hands in excitement. “Now, what are we going to use for rings?”
We’ve run out of wine, so Jude pours us all a whiskey while we try to figure it out.
“I’ve got it!” Teddy announces after I’ve tried and failed to stuff Jude’s man-sized ring finger into every piece of jewelery I own. “Tattoos.”
“Tattoos?”
“Yeah. A friend of mine did it, it’s awesome.”
“There’s a 24-hour tattoo parlor behind the bar,” Jude offers helpfully.
“Perfect!”
The ceremony is short and sweet. I take my role very seriously and adopt a solemn expression as I recite the vows that they repeat after me. When it comes to the “with this ring” part, I skip ahead to “I take you,” and both Teddy and Jude say, “I do.”
There’s a tense moment when I ask if anyone present knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony. All three of us look around my living room as if, at any moment, a guest might jump up and object. Nothing happens. Noodle doesn’t even stir in her sleep.
“Then by the power vested in me by the American Marriage Ministry and the state of California, I now pronounce you man and wife!” I announce grandly.
I’ve forgotten something. I glance down at my phone, where I’ve stored the script. Jude clears his throat. I glance up to find him jerking his head toward Teddy.
“Oh yes! You may kiss the bride!”
Jude doesn’t need to be told twice. He dips Teddy and plants a kiss right on her mouth. It goes on a lot longer than I expected and when he’s done, her lipstick is smeared, but her eyes are sparkling.
I manage to unearth a bottle of champagne from the bowels of my fridge before we pile into a taxi and head for The Office.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I ask when we enter the tattoo parlor. It’s dark, and a little seedy, but the guy who greets us from behind the counter seems pleasant enough.
“Hey, Aaron!” Jude tries to give him a high five but just misses.
“What’s up, Jude? You finally in the market for some ink?”
“Actually, yes.” Jude steers Teddy forward proudly. “This is Teddy. My wife.”
“Awwwwww,” I croon as Teddy blushes to the roots of her hair.
“Congrats man!” Aaron pumps Jude’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Teddy. So, what are you wanting?”
“Rings.”
“Nice. I get that a lot. You want any initials, or just a band?”
Jude and Teddy exchange looks. “Just a band, I think,” Teddy says.
Aaron gives Jude a quick once over. “You’re not intoxicated, are you?”
“I know what I’m doing if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“It’s not just that,” Aaron says. “Besides making a permanent bad decision, there could be other implications – excessive bleeding, for example.”
“Will we die?” Teddy asks, winking at Jude.
Aaron laughs. ‘no.”
“We’re not drunk,” Jude lies. He holds Aaron’s gaze, refusing to back down.
“Okay.” Aaron seems satisfied, “but you’re going to have to sign these consent forms.”
I wander around while Aaron gets to work and flip idly through the heavy sketchbooks on every conceivable surface.
“Are these your designs?” I ask, holding up a thick book bound in black leather. Aaron takes a minute to finish what he’s doing before looking up.
“Yeah, those are mine.”
“They’re really good.”
Jude
is almost done. Teddy looks a little green. Teddy is a vet, but she’s never liked needles. Jude’s touch does what the champagne couldn’t. Only when he takes her free hand in his, does Teddy relax. The way he looks down at her makes my heart want to jump out of my chest.
“All done,” Aaron announces after applying a liberal smear of ointment around Teddy’s finger. He removes his gloves and moves over to the counter.
“It’s on me,” I insist, handing over my card. Jude starts to argue, but I cut him a warning look. “Maid of honor privileges.”
“Technically, you’re also my best man.”
“Exactly. This is my wedding gift to both of you.”
We walk over to The Office for the after party. Laurel has been holding down the fort, but Jude quickly joins her behind the bar. As busy as he is, he makes sure that mine and Teddy’s drinks are permanently filled. Laurel looks utterly crushed.
By the time the last patrons leave, I’m wilting on my stool. Teddy is dancing on her own between tables. Every now and again she stops to admire her new tattoo or blow a kiss at Jude.
We head back to my place around two a.m. I don’t even have the energy to find pajamas. Instead, I drop my clothes at the foot of my bed and collapse onto the cotton sheets.
18
I wake with a dry mouth and a pounding headache. Wandering into the kitchen in only my gown, searching for Tylenol, I catch a glimpse of a bare ankle peeking over the edge of my couch. Curious, I round the corner and clap both hands over my eyes.
“Oh my God!”
Teddy sits bolt upright with a shriek of alarm, the sudden movement knocking Jude right off the couch. They’re both stark naked.
I keep my eyes covered amidst the chaos of giggling while they search for their clothes.
“You can look now,” Teddy tells me eventually. I drop my hand to find them both curled on the couch. Teddy is wearing Jude’s checked shirt. Jude’s white T-shirt is inside out. There’s an empty champagne bottle on the floor.
Slowly, I piece together the fragments of last night. Teddy yawns, and as she covers her mouth with her hand, realization hits.
“Oh my God, Teddy!” I point at her finger, where the black band is visible through the clear dressing.
Teddy moves her hand away from her mouth and blinks at the tattoo. Then her eyes cut to Jude’s hand. Jude is staring at his own finger as if he’s never seen it before.
“We got married,” Teddy says.
“You got married,” I confirm.
“We can’t be married,” Jude says. “There’s no way Josie got ordained for real.”
“Of course not,” Teddy agrees quickly. Then she swallows. “Although, I’m more concerned about this right now!” she shoves her tattooed finger into his face as if he wielded the needle that put it there.
My MacBook is still open on the website I found last night. I scan it with Teddy breathing over my shoulder while Jude stumbles around in the kitchen making coffee.
“Okay, it says that I have a legal responsibility to complete a marriage certificate on the wedding day. We didn’t do that, right?”
Jude sets down the mugs, and our eyes fall on the crumpled piece of paper below them. I recognize Teddy’s signature at the bottom and Jude’s jagged scrawl.
“That can’t be legit,” Teddy says.
“Look, it’s going to be fine. I’ll call them right now. Even if it turns out that this is official, we can just have the marriage annulled, right?”
“On what grounds?”
I rack my brain and then side eye Teddy. “You didn’t consummate the marriage, did you?”
“We did,” Jude answers easily. “Twice.”
Teddy is dying. I try to keep a straight face, but I can’t. “I’m throwing this couch out,” I say. Jude starts to laugh.
“It isn’t funny!” Teddy groans. “What are we going to do if we can’t get this annulled?”
“It might not even be legal, Teddy.”
“I have something to say,” Jude interrupts. Teddy looks up at him, renewed hope flaring in her eyes. Jude, however, is frowning and I suspect what he’s about to say isn’t what Teddy is expecting.
“What if I don’t want to have it annulled?”
It takes Teddy a moment to process. “What?”
Jude stares her down. “Yes, we were drunk, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to marry you.”
“It’s true,” I concede. “Jude’s loved you since,” I try to come up with a date and settle for “well, since forever.”
“He has not!”
“Actually,” Jude says, without a trace of embarrassment, “I have.”
Despite my hangover, I can’t help but smirk. Teddy doesn’t seem to know what to do with her face.
“That’s… you’re…,” she sputters helplessly. She takes a deep breath and starts over. “You can’t possibly expect this to work. We live on opposite sides of the country!”
“I’ll move.”
“What?”
“WHAT?” I echo Teddy’s question. The thought of Jude leaving L.A is inconceivable, but his face is deadly serious.
“You’d move almost three thousand miles just to see if this might work?” Teddy asks.
“That’s crazy,” I snap. “Your whole life is here. What about The Office? You’ve spent years working to build something here and now that you have it, you’re just going to up and leave?”
“I can find someone to manage the bar without me. Laurel’s been there long enough, and she deserves a raise. I might even make her partner.”
“But…”
Jude gives me a sad look. “You’re right, Josie. I have spent years working. And do you know where it’s got me? I’m thirty-four years old, and I haven’t ever had a real relationship. Christ, I haven’t even had a vacation in ten years.” His gaze shifts from my face to Teddy’s and his eyes soften. “Your sister is right. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. So how about it, Teddy? I’d like permission from my wife, to date her.”
I can’t believe I have to fly to Chicago this week. Teddy has extended her stay for a few days while she and Jude work this out, but I am quite sure that she’s going to say yes. It’s clear that they’re crazy about each other. As happy as I am for them, watching them together only highlights how alone I am. It also makes me think of Ace, and I really don’t want to be thinking about Ace. For someone who claimed to care for me, he made walking away look easy.
“You should call him,” Teddy tells me on Tuesday evening. Fenn left half an hour ago, taking Noodle with her, and Teddy’s been watching me pack. Jude is at The Office, getting things ready for his unexpected trip across the country.
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” I admit. I hold up a pale yellow shirt, and Teddy shakes her head.
I toss it on the discard pile and turn to find something else.
“You could start by telling him you made a mistake,” she says gently.
“I don’t think I did. He’s been lying to me, Teddy.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know that he hasn’t been telling the truth. And like dad says, omission of the truth is as good as a lie.”
“I think after your big reveal, dad may have changed his mind about that.”
“He’s still not talking to me.” I’d tried to call my father again this morning, but he’d let my mother answer.
“Look at the bright side. Once I get home and tell him I got drunk-married to a man he barely knows, your indiscretions will seem a lot less sordid.”
I brighten. “That’s true!”
Teddy laughs. “You could at least try to look less pleased about it. For my sake.”
“He’s going to love Jude. He already loves Jude. You’ll be fine.”
I pull out a few pastel tops and gather them in my arms.
“I better get going. I promised Jude I’d meet him for a drink,” Teddy says. She gets up and gives me a meaningful stare. “Call him, Josie.”
&nb
sp; When she’s gone, I slump onto the soft carpet and pull out my phone. I stare at Ace’s name on the screen. My finger hovers over the call button. The phone pings with an incoming text and I almost drop it. We need to talk. It’s from Alex. I stare at the words and a sob rises in my chest because it’s not Alex I want to talk to right now. Decision made, I take a deep breath and dial Ace’s number.
Ace answers on the first ring. “Josie?”
My courage evaporates.
“Josie, are you okay?” he sounds frantic.
“I’m fine.”
“Oh, thank God.”
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” I ask, panicked.
“Hold on, give me a second.” He mutes the phone, and I curse in frustration. It takes forever before he’s back.
“What’s wrong Josie? Why are you calling me?”
“I… I just wanted to talk.”
“About?”
“About us.”
I hear his shocked intake of breath. When he speaks again, he sounds stilted, as if he’s trying to keep his temper in check. “What about us, Josie?”
He’s agitated, and it’s making me wish I’d never hit that call button.
“Never mind,” I say quickly. “It was a mistake to call.”
“You kicked me out,” he says.
Without even thinking, the words pour out. “You said you’d come back.”
He falls silent. I wait, cringing, the phone cradled against my ear.
“Do you want me to come back?”
That catches me off guard. “I don’t know. I’m confused, Ace. I thought we… you just walked away, as if it meant nothing.”
“Oh, Josie,” he sighs, and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. “I was never far away.”
What?
“What do you mean?”
He curses under his breath. I hear a man’s voice, stern and berating. “Who are you with?” I ask.
“Hold on.” He mutes me again, and I scream in frustration. “Josie, meet me downstairs.”
Confusion, pure and simple, courses through me. I fly to my feet and out of my apartment. Has the elevator always been this slow? The lobby is empty. Frank smiles at me as I pass his station, and then I’m out the doors and on the sidewalk, scanning the street. Ace isn’t here. A movement across the road draws my attention, and I frown in confusion as he steps out of the apartment block opposite mine. His face softens at the sight of me. His eyes never leave mine as he crosses the street.
Awkward in Print (Awkward #1) Page 9
