“How did you get over it … the stuff with your mum?”
“Honestly, it took me years to accept God hadn’t made Mum sick and to forgive him for letting her die – but in the end, it was just like Annie said … he loved me in the dark.”
“What does that even mean?” I asked.
“It’s hard to explain …” Harry paused. “It’s like when you call a friend and you have no strength to speak but you can hear compassion in their silence. That moment when even in your brokenness, when you’re beside yourself with grief or despair, simple words like ‘I’m here’ or ‘I love you’ from a loved one can lift you out of the pit. God’s like that for me – a whisper in the dark.”
“I get it,” I whispered. It was true. As much as I wasn’t a believer as such, I knew that feeling well.
I brushed my hand up his back and threaded my fingers into the hair at the base of his skull. I didn’t know Harry had lost his mum and how much it had affected him. I had to change my thinking … stop focusing on the disease and start focusing on life. Planning one month at a time was not going to cut it anymore. I couldn’t be another person Harry had to grieve, and for that, I had to believe I would survive.
“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked.
“That I love you.”
Harry answered my unspoken request with his lips.
“Okay, peace out, lovers,” Sammie announced, leaning down to peck Thomas on the cheek as he finished removing my line. Then she leant in close. “Don’t let this convo put the kibosh on your sexy time, Hollywood – life is short.”
I squeezed her hand. “No chance, hot stuff.”
“Glad to hear,” Harry said, leaning in. “You ready to go home?”
“You have no idea.”
38
We’d been home for five minutes when Coop materialised in the doorway.
“So, this is the mystery twin who exposed my secret identity,” Harry said, reaching out to shake Cooper’s hand.
“Yeah, sorry about that, mate. It’s good to finally meet you in the flesh. I’ve been following your career since med school. I hadn’t heard about the clinic in Samoa, though. Surfing the web isn’t high on my priority list anymore.”
“I can imagine.” Harry placed his hand on Cooper’s shoulder. “I, on the other hand, did have some time to do some digging. I like what you’re doing with your clinic. I’d love to sit down and hear about your plans for the future if you’ve got time before you leave.”
“I’ll make time.” Cooper winked at me. “You’ll have to come and check it out.”
I smacked him on the arm. “Stop it.”
Harry narrowed his eyes at me playfully. “Okay, I see it now. This is the reason you didn’t want us to meet. You think he’s going to lure me away?”
“That’s exactly what I know he’ll do.” I eyed my brother.
“Babe, I can tell you with certainty, the only luring that will be happening is the type I don’t think your brother will appreciate bearing witness to.” He wrapped an arm around my back and pressed his lips to my ear.
Heat rose to paint my cheeks red.
“Right, I see this is my time to step out for a few hours. Have fun getting reacquainted, you two.” He picked up his bag and pulled the door closed behind him.
Harry reached up to slide the shawl off my head, then studied me as if he’d not already had his fill at chemo.
“It took me ages to get that perfect,” I said.
“It’s perfect now.” He placed his hands on either side of my bald head and lowered his lips to mine, then pulled away leaving me wanting. “I must have replayed that video fifty times.”
“You didn’t show anyone else though, eh?” I said, suddenly self-conscious.
“And let other men fantasise about you? No way! You’re all mine.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“What? Being mine?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“So, how about we make it official?”
I pulled back. “What’s with you and impromptu proposals?”
“I know what I want.” His breath touched the skin below my ear and my body quivered.
“You’re taking advantage of my weakened state,” I breathed.
“Do you want me to stop?” His lips brushed along my jawline as he lowered his hands and lifted me off the ground.
I wrapped my limbs around him and pressed hungry lips to his.
“That feels like a ‘no’ to the stopping and a ‘yes’ to the other,” he whispered.
“That’s definitely a ‘no’ to the stopping, and a …” I hesitated, trying to find words that wouldn’t ruin the moment.
“Yes?” He jiggled his brows.
I laughed. “It’s a ‘please keep asking’.”
“I’ll take it.” He started walking towards the bedroom. “You feel like a bath?”
“It’s tiny,” I protested.
“Good. I want you on top of me anyway,” he replied, the edges of his mouth rising to match the hungry smile in his eyes. That sounded pretty darn perfect to me.
Chemo and Harry’s surprise appearance had worn me out – not that I was complaining. I woke from an impromptu nap full of gratitude to be wrapped in his arms. I traced my fingers over his naked chest and breathed in the sight of him.
“Welcome back, sleepyhead.” He brushed his fingers up and down the length of my arm. Despite my exhaustion, every cell in my body jumped to attention with the gentle caress. I tucked the sheet around me and climbed on top of his legs as he scooted back against the headboard.
My skin came alive as he traced his fingers around the edge of the sheet. I removed his weapons of mass distraction, pressed them to my lips, then lowered them to my legs.
“I can see the cogs turning … what’s up?”
“Chemo was interesting.” I stated the obvious.
“What do you mean?” The corner of his mouth twitched. “You don’t normally talk about religion?”
“Not even close.”
“I got that impression.”
“So, about the sex.” I raised my hands to his shoulders and let my fingers linger on the base of his neck before I started my journey around his torso. He shivered involuntarily.
“Mm-hmm,” he murmured, encircling my waist with his arms.
“It doesn’t seem to be an issue for you?”
“It’s not.” He smiled.
“But I thought that was kind of a deal-breaker.”
“Are you trying to put me in a box again, Avery?”
I arched my back as his strong arms pulled me in closer. “I wouldn’t dare. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I’m 41.”
“I know, but–”
“I’m not having sex with anyone and everyone, and I never have.”
“But you weren’t a virgin?” I asked, suddenly curious. Surely not.
Harry laughed. “No, babe. I was no virgin, but it had been a while.”
“How long?”
“Years,” Harry confessed.
“Years? How many years?” I asked, struggling to get my head around his revelation.
“Too many.”
I raised my hands to his face and traced my thumbs over his brow. “But why? If sex wasn’t an issue, you could have had any woman you wanted anywhere in the world. You’re Dr Harry Whittaker, a real-life superhero!” I said the last bit with full dramatic expression.
Harry laughed and pulled a Superman-flying pose.
“It’s a serious question.”
“I know. I wasn’t interested in having sex with random women, Ave. I had wild seasons in my youth and early in my career, but it always left me craving something real. I got to the point where I decided to wait.”
I thought back to our first meeting in the park, where I knew both of us would have – could have – committed a felony in the bushes given half a chance.
“But you were so—”
“Eager?” Harry finished my sente
nce.
I nodded. “Exactly.”
“That’s one way to put it; I could think of others.”
“I don’t get it, Harry. If you’d made a commitment to yourself to wait and you’d been waiting, why’d you let me–”
“Deflower me?” Harry said in jest.
“Stop laughing! This isn’t funny.” I moved to get off him, but he trapped me in place.
“You want to know why I flirted and pursued you in the park – why I agreed to go away with you even though I knew that meant breaking my fast – why I actively and without hesitation ravished you, over and over again?”
“Yes.”
“Because, Avery Bishop, you’re not just any woman. I didn’t make a commitment to wait until marriage. I made a commitment to wait for the one.”
“The one?”
“Yes, the woman who I knew would become my wife.”
The galloping hooves of my pulse echoed in my ears. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. I wanted to hear it all, every horrifyingly tragic and beautiful word he had to say.
Harry raised his hands to my face. “I knew from the moment I saw you that you were the one I’d been waiting for.”
“How did you know?”
“I knew in my spirit – there’s no other way to describe it – you were always mine.”
“But Harry … what if—?” It pained me to even think about the realness of our situation.
“That’s irrelevant, Ave. It doesn’t change anything. I’ll love you every day of your life, and if it comes to that, every day after.”
My head was spinning with his revelation, with the fact that he thought his ‘loving god’ had told him that the crazy woman doing cartwheels in the park was his future wife when he knew damn well she may not have a future. Where’s the love in that?
“Babe, look at me,” Harry said, drawing my attention back to his beautiful surety.
“I choose you with all your quirks and all your baggage, medical and otherwise. I’ll never regret falling in love with you, whatever our future holds. I meant it in the weekend, and I mean it now. I will take it all.”
I’ll never regret falling in love with you. Those words erased every doubt I’d allowed to taint what we had. Harry knew it all, and he wanted to call me his wife. He wanted the future I’d been too afraid to hope for. I wanted it too, more than anything I’d ever wanted before, and suddenly it didn’t seem so impossible. If it was divine intervention that brought us together. Maybe … just maybe … there was one more miracle left for me.
I leant into his embrace and pressed my lips to his.
Let him love you.
I intended to, today and every day after.
39
With Harry home, Cooper knew it was time to get back to Kenya. Libby was a master juggler, but the never-ending political and social unrest, as well as leaving her with all the clinic and compound responsibilities without his protection and authority, made him nervous. The last few calls he’d made had fed the urgency in his spirit to return to her side.
He’d taken advantage of his time, reconnecting with donors and medical contacts, and had a container-load of new supplies in the works and a significant increase in financial support.
I felt complete with him here, as if I’d lived the last seven years missing a vital piece and hadn’t realised it until I remembered how whole I felt in his presence. He was the half that wasn’t afraid to dream, the half that chased what it wanted with unrivalled vigour and enthusiasm. His time here reminded me who I was before he left, before our parents died, before I got caught up in valuing my work above all else. He was the part that reminded me to focus on what I’d gained and not what I’d lost, and I was grieving his absence before he’d even walked through the departure gates.
I’d told Cooper to sit next to Harry on the drive over to the airport, knowing both of them were itching to talk about their work. Even though it scared the living daylights out of me, I knew I had to honour the type of men they were and allow them their moment. Maybe, if I didn’t beat this thing, this relationship would be what they both needed to grieve and move on with something positive.
I glanced between them and tried to shut the thought down. I wanted to believe in my happily ever after, in the wedding Cooper had all but planned for us in Kenya, the honeymoon suite in Thailand, our miraculous twins that would never be born, and our old wrinkly bodies lying beside each other in the Samoan sun. I needed to believe in it.
“You alright, babe?” Harry’s eyes flicked to mine in the rear-view mirror.
“I’m okay.”
“She can’t imagine life without me, bro.” Cooper reached through the seats to squeeze my knee.
“That’s definitely true.” I laid my hand on his. “It makes me happy that you two are becoming friends.”
Harry smiled. “Just so long as I don’t go getting swept up in his promises of the glam life over there in Africa.”
“Precisely,” I answered. Until after.
For the rest of the trip, they chatted about surgery and the crazy things that happened over in Kenya. Like Maasai men walking for two days with spears through their abdomens to get to the clinic and mothers turning up with their newborn babies in their arms, having given birth in the wilderness … alone. Coop shared about prayer meetings in villages where people were healed of physical deformities and demonic possessions right in front of their eyes. I listened in awe as the stories went back and forth. Some sounded more at home in fairy tales than reality.
One of the things Cooper had managed to secure was three new generators for the clinic. They’d lost three premature babies two months ago when the power went out. Their old generator wasn’t able to carry the load and had failed. Libby and Coop, as well as their staff, had stayed up for three days straight trying to keep the babies alive by hand, but nothing had worked. I was overwhelmed with sadness as Cooper retold the story. I could only imagine being one of those mothers walking for days in agony, giving birth in the dirt, then finally reaching the place you believe your child will be safe just to end up losing them because the power went out. It made me so angry. I squeezed Cooper's hand knowing that this was his life, day in and day out. The grief, the hardship, the lack. It broke my heart knowing I’d become another thing he might have to grieve.
“Have you ever thought it was just too hard … of packing it all up and coming home where life is … easier?” I asked, knowing I probably couldn’t cope living in a place where there was such a thin line between life and death – where tragedy was a part of your daily life.
Coop glanced at Harry, then shook his head. “Nah. I mean … of course, we do sometimes. Lib was a bit of a mess after that, but we both see it for what it is. This is life in Africa. We save more than we lose.”
In my head, I understood what he was saying, but there was no way my heart could carry that kind of burden. When I noticed the silence, I caught Harry’s expression in the rear-view mirror and knew Cooper had done exactly what I knew he would. He’d captured my man’s heart. No wonder I’d fallen so hard and so fast; they were two peas in a pod.
At the departure gates, I saw Harry slide Cooper a card and tell him to call him, and I knew there was no way I could stand in the way of two heroic men trying to save the world.
I walked into my brother's arms and held firm. “I don’t want to let go,” I whispered. “I’m scared I might not get to do it again.”
“You will, sis, when I give you away.” He pressed his lips to my cheek.
Out of habit, I silently dismissed his words, but then I thought of the intimate moment that Harry and I had shared and what I’d promised myself. So, I told him I loved him and breathed in the dream, thinking maybe … just maybe … the faith of the two men I loved would deliver my miracle.
40
Harry added his order to Tracey’s and watched the waitress amble away. She’d called while he and Avery were dropping Cooper off at the airport and asked if he wanted to catch up.
/>
Other than the odd chemo visit, he hadn’t made much time for her lately, which he regretted. She was too important for him to neglect.
“What are you doing, Harry?”
He knew this conversation was coming the second Tracey realised that Sandy was her beloved Hollywood. He leant back in his chair and sighed. “I thought you liked her?”
“Oh, I do. I love that girl, but that’s not the point, and you know it.”
Harry studied the woman who’d became a vital part of his life when his mother died and felt the weight of her concern in the tightness of his brow and the empty feeling in his gut.
“There’s nothing I can do. The train has well and truly left the station.”
“And if it crashes, what are you going to do?”
Harry clenched his teeth and turned away. He was sick to death of worst-case scenarios, but he had to honour Tracey’s heart and her place in his life. She wasn’t some random throwing her two cents in, and he had sprung this whole thing on her without warning.
He turned back and laid the truth down. “Then it crashes. I can’t let fear rule my life anymore. I can’t give up the one thing I’ve always wanted because she might die.”
“Harry …” Tracey laid her hand on his.
“Tracey, people die. There are freak accidents, fatal allergic reactions, infections, botched surgeries and a million other things that kill people every day. Life doesn’t offer guarantees.”
The waitress delivered their order and backed away without a word. Harry got it. He didn’t want to be a part of this conversation either.
“This isn’t the same thing. After everything that happened with your mum, I don’t want you to suffer, Harry. We nearly lost you.”
“I remember.” Harry lifted his coffee cup to his lips, to give him time to gather his thoughts.
“I love you like my own child; you know that. I don’t want to speak out of turn … I’m just worried that you’ve boarded a—” Her words ceased as if they’d got trapped in her throat.
Then She Roars Page 19
