“You know why.” I turned around to face him.
“How can you do this? How can you refuse to have the treatment that could save your life?”
“I’m not refusing treatment, Harry. I’m choosing to delay it until our daughter is born. There’s a big difference. I’m not just being pig-headed, and I’m not giving up. I’m trying to protect her.”
“I’m trying to protect you!” His eyes flashed with pain and anger.
“I know, babe.” I laid my hand on his chest.
“Damn it, Avery,” he cried, stepping away from my touch. “I need you to have the treatment. Why can’t you understand?”
“This is my body. Have you forgotten that the chemo nearly killed me last time? Have you forgotten how sick I was, how lost I was?”
“How the hell could I forget? I hate that you have to suffer like that again, but it’s the only way you get to stay alive. You promised you’d never shut me out again, and that’s exactly what you’re doing by not allowing me a voice in this. It’s not just about you anymore.”
His words had sharp edges.
“How dare you, right now? It’s not just about me? Are you kidding? This is my life – my death sentence! I’m the one who has to endure this, not you. This is my body! It’s my choice, and I’ve made it.”
Harry gasped and took another step backwards, his palms raised as my vile words slapped him across the heart.
How had we come to this? I wanted to love him. I wanted to take him in my arms and apologise for my outburst, but I couldn’t. I was so angry. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me?
“I’m doing the right thing, Harry. Why can’t you see that?”
His eyes narrowed for a second before he raised his face to the sky and whispered silent words into the wind, tears streaming from his eyes. “Because I’m the one who loses, Avery. You’re saying you’re the only one who has to endure this, but I’m the one who has to live without you.” He clenched his jaw, then turned and walked away.
Everything in me was screaming out for him to come back to me, everything except my voice. I slid down to the ground, my head in my hands, and wept for my husband. A man who, on this very spot, fell in love and made the biggest mistake of his life.
I will never regret it. I’ll take it all. It is enough.
I knew, despite all his words, his promises and true intentions, our memories would not sustain him. It simply wasn’t enough.
“You can’t have me, you bastard,” I whispered vehemently into the wind. Then I raised my head to the sky and prayed to Harry’s god, begging for one final miracle.
When I got home, Tracey was waiting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, and I crumbled at the sight of her.
“Oh, Hollywood, come here.”
I ran into her open arms. “He doesn’t understand, Tracey. He’s so angry at me. I don’t know what to do.”
“Come. Sit, darling girl. I’ll make you a cuppa, then we can talk this thing through.”
I laid it all out for her. Our first appointment, my meeting with Suzanna, my decision and Harry’s reaction in the park.
“He’ll come around. He’s hurting, that’s all.”
“I know. I know that I’m hurting him, but I can’t do it. I can’t give him what he wants. He begged me to go back to Suzanna, even though he knew I’d made up my mind. He promised me he’d support me whatever I decided, but he didn’t. He just walked away and left me.”
Tracey touched her hand to mine. “Has he ever lied to you?”
I shook my head. “Never.”
“My boy is madly in love with you. This is breaking his heart. You’ve got to remember, cancer already took his mother from him, and now, just when he felt safe, this …”
My face quivered as the reality of his heartbreak overwhelmed me. Everything I’d ever feared was coming true, and the only thing I could do to relieve some of his pain, I couldn’t do. I shook my head with rapid jerks, laying my hand over our daughter.
“This is not your burden to carry alone, my darling. It’s his, too. He was right.”
“No,” I protested. “I can’t do it, Tracey. Not even for him.”
“I’m not talking about the treatment. You’re right, that’s your choice. But you have to realise, if you die, your pain is over. But that man, he loses the love of his life, the family he’s fantasied about and your future together. He’s a doctor, a hero to many, and yet he can’t do anything to save his own wife. That kind of pain lasts forever.”
I sobbed as the truth of her words tore at my heart.
“I wish he’d never been there, that first day.”
“What do you mean, sweetheart?”
“At the park, the day I started chemo. He’d be better off if he’d never met me.” I threw my hand to my chest as grief rolled out of me in violent breaths.
“Don’t you ever say that again,” Harry shot from the doorway, then launched towards me and pulled me into his arms. “Don’t you ever say that again.”
I held on tight and sobbed into his neck. “I’m so sorry, Harry. I never wanted this for you. I’m so sorry.”
Harry held firm. “Ave, I came into this with my eyes wide open. I chose you then, and I choose you now.”
He lifted my trembling face to look me in the eye. “You’re the highlight of my life, and regardless of how this thing plays out, I will never regret our time together, you hear me?”
“You can’t say that now.” I shook my head.
“I can. Even now. Even knowing what I know. Even with this pain and fear that’s ripping me apart. I would still choose you.”
I pressed my lips against his as our tears and breath collided.
“I love you so much, Harry. I can’t do this without you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m right here, Ave. I’m not going anywhere.”
My lips brushed his, then I pulled back and touched my palm to his face.
“Do you understand that I’m not giving up? That this is me fighting for the dream?”
His eyes glistened with pain. “I’m trying.”
“I need you, more than ever.”
He laid his hands on my belly, closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine. “You’ve got me. Always.”
I placed my hand over his.
“If anything changes, if it gets worse …”
“I’ll do whatever it takes – I promise.”
61
“It’s time, Avery. We can’t wait any longer,” Suzanna said.
It’d been nine weeks since everything came to a head. I’d spent the last three of those in hospital.
“Will she be okay?” I asked of Dr Patrick who was standing in the room along with Suzanna, Harry and Sally. “It’s still early.”
“You’ve made it to thirty-five weeks, Avery. You’ve given your daughter the best possible start at life. She’s a wee bit small, but everything else looks perfect. It’s time,” Dr Patrick agreed, glancing between Harry and me.
“It’s time to meet our baby girl.” Harry squeezed my hand and the stoic mask I’d worn over the last few months crumbled. I’ve done it.
“Let’s get this party started, shall we?” Dr Patrick pulled the medical tray table around to the side of the bed. She explained the induction process and how the birth may play out.
Bubs was positioned perfectly, so they weren’t expecting any issues. I’d been told early on a C-section was a last resort as since we needed to start my chemo treatment straight away, we couldn’t afford the recovery time or risk possible complications. I wasn’t sure if my exhausted body was up to the rigors of labour, but I was damn sure going to try.
“Let’s do it,” Harry and I said in unison, both eager to meet our daughter.
Only twenty minutes had passed before the first contraction rolled through me, turning my belly rock hard to the touch. The second came four minutes later, and from then, it was all on. The pain came in waves crashing over the stillness created in its short absences. For the fi
rst hour, I managed to sit on the bed leaning against Harry who was seated behind me.
I cried out when the contractions seemed to take on a life of their own – each more powerful than the last. I could no longer sit. I slid off the bed, my belly protruding uncomfortably from my shrunken frame. I stood on one side of the bed, with Harry behind me to support my weight, and reached my arms across the mattress to wrap my hands around Sally’s slender arms, which she offered as a lamb to the slaughter. When the next contraction ripped through me, I pulled hard, lowering myself into a deep squat, then rising again when it passed.
“Music?” Sally asked as Harry pressed his thumbs into my lower back exactly how Kim had told him to. I’d thrown titles out the door the minute the first contraction hit. If she was going to see me in all my glory, I was going to call her by her first name.
I nodded, answering Sally’s question, my eyes firmly closed. I was breathing, and that was enough. In through the nose until my lungs were bursting, out through pursed lips. In, out, in, out, in, out ...
I smiled when Sally placed the headphones on my head and hit play. It was our soundtrack. I dropped my head back on Harry’s shoulder and remembered. When the next contraction took over, I focused on the music as if in a trance, breathing through it, allowing my baby to move down through the birth canal.
By the end of the second hour, I’d thrown the headphones against the wall, desperate for silence; begged for the gas, which I now gripped in my hand for dear life; and told everyone to shut-up – in the nicest possible way I could muster. I don’t know if I said please or told them to shut the hell up, or even worse. What I do know is the room was filled with blessed silence. So, whatever I’d said, it had worked. I couldn’t have anything drawing my focus away from my breathing, from the savannah – the calm serenity of it was the only thing holding me together.
“I can’t …” I cried out when my legs gave way and I collapsed into Harry’s arms. He lifted me onto the bed.
“You can do this, babe,” Harry whispered, wrapping his hand around mine and holding it to his chest. “Draw on her strength.”
His words thrust me back into the savannah, and I felt her rising out of the dirt. I felt her flexing her muscles and raising her chin in the air. And I felt them, rising up beside her. Beside me.
When the next contraction rolled through me, I cried out, and I saw her face for the first time as she raised her gaze to mine and stared into the heart of me … into my broken places.
Her voice rumbled through me, the ground itself shaking under my feet. Rise, mighty daughter, rise and deliver your child.
The command was a magical elixir racing through my veins, filling me with renewed strength.
“I need to rise,” I called into the bustling room. “I need to rise.” I heard the echo of my words around the room, followed by whispers as the bed shifted underneath me.
“Turn yourself towards Harry,” Kim said, holding the bed remote.
I did as I was told then draped myself high over the top of the bed and inhaled a deep breath of gas as another contraction ripped through me. It wasn’t long before I heard an almighty roar fill the room followed by an uncontrollable urge to push taking over.
“She’s coming!” I screamed.
“On the next contraction, I want another big push,” Kim said, one hand between my legs and the other applying pressure on my lower back. “You hear me? As long and strong as you can.”
“I can’t. I can’t,” I heard myself say as the next contraction rolled in before the last one rolled out. I didn’t have time to suck on the gas before the pain overwhelmed me. I shoved my head into the pillow and roared.
“Push, Avery. Push now,” I heard in the distance.
Rise, mighty daughter. Rise and deliver your child. This time it was a chorus of voices. I raised my head and pushed with everything I had, ignoring the burning and agonising pain tearing through me.
“Take a big breath, Avery, and push again. Don’t stop,” Kim instructed.
I followed the command, even though everything in me was screaming for mercy. When the contraction passed, encouragement reigned, but all I wanted to do was sleep. I collapsed on the top of the bed, giving in to my exhaustion. When the next contraction started, I heard a voice somewhere in the distance giving me instructions. I tried to follow them. I tried to stop pushing. I tried to take small breaths. I grasped onto Harry’s hand as he whispered encouragement into my ear, and I prayed for dear life that it would soon be over.
“One more big push, Avery, and you’ll get to hold your baby girl. As soon as the next contrac—”
I rose off the bed and pushed with every ounce of strength I had left. When my breath ceased, I filled my lungs with gas and kept pushing … a second and third time … until I felt the pressure release and a gush of baby and fluid leave my body.
“Thank God!” I exclaimed breathlessly as everything that remained ebbed away like a receding tide, and I faded into the savannah.
I could hear bustling in the room and felt Harry’s hand squeezing mine, but I couldn’t open my eyes, not even when I heard our baby’s first cry.
“You did it, Ave,” Harry whispered.
“I did it,” I echoed, drifting away.
Suzanna’s voice drew me back. “Let’s turn you over, Mumma.”
“You’re back,” I whispered.
“I’m back.” Someone tugged at something between my legs.
“Ouch.”
“Sorry, I was just moving the umbilical cord out of the way, so we can flip you over. You ready?”
“I can’t move.”
“We’ll help you,” she said. “On the count of three, turn towards Harry. The placenta is still attached, so nice and slow.”
Five minutes later, I was slightly reclined, wrapped in fresh blankets, watching Kim place our swaddled daughter in Harry’s arms. I watched the scene as if they were sharing a private moment without me, and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
When my daughter is in her daddy’s arms, you can have me.
“You did it,” Suzanna whispered, squeezing my hand.
“Hey Mummy.” Harry walked towards me, his face beaming with pride. “You want a cuddle?”
I nodded.
Harry laid her in my arms, then embraced us both.
“She’s perfect,” I cooed as her tiny hand wrapped around my finger, and she mewed into my chest. A new wave of elation and sadness washed over me – both claiming their rightful place.
“What’s her name, Mumma?” Sally asked.
With great effort, I tore my eyes away from my daughter and looked at Harry. The look in his eyes would be enough to sustain me.
You did it.
Harry rested his forehead against mine, his overwhelmed heart overflowing down his cheeks, then pressed salty lips to mine.
Only then did I answer Sally’s question as she stood eagerly waiting at the foot of my bed, poised with a camera.
“Her name is … ” I paused, bubbling emotion, absorbing my words. I tried again, looking down into our precious girl’s face. “Her name is Bella-Rose.”
Harry traced his fingertips around her face, then placed his hand over mine. “Bella-Rose Avery Whittaker. Beautiful and fierce, just like her mumma.”
Avery. We hadn’t discussed a middle name, but it was perfect.
“That’s gorgeous,” Sally cried, then handed the camera to Suzanna, walked to my side and leaned down to press a kiss to Bella-Rose’s cheek. “I’m your Aunty Sal, baby girl, and I’m gonna spoil you like crazy. Shh … don’t tell your mumma.”
Harry and I laughed. “We wouldn’t expect anything less.”
An hour later, I’d delivered the placenta, fed Bella-Rose her first bottle, showered and freshened up with Harry’s help, and returned to bed with my precious bundle asleep in my arms.
Suzanna returned with a nurse and another medical tray to take blood.
“How long do I have?” I asked, knowing I�
�d have to deliver on my promise.
“I can give you two days.” Her response was stoic.
“Do I have to stay here?”
“For tonight, yes. We need to monitor you both.”
“And tomorrow?”
“I’m not making any promises until I’ve seen the results. We’ll talk about that tomorrow.”
I wouldn’t waste this time arguing. “Okay.”
“For today, you just focus on this precious bundle, Ave.”
I looked at the miracle child sleeping in my arms and smiled.
My silent prayers worked, because at 1pm the next day, Harry wheeled his wife and daughter to the car and drove us home. It wasn’t the best news – I wasn’t strong enough for treatment, but I was counting it as a win … for now.
As soon as we pulled into the driveway, Maggie burst out of the house screaming, “Where’s my niece?” The way she took Bella-Rose in her arms and snuggled her against her breast filled me with gratitude. No matter what happened next, my little girl would always be surrounded by love.
Harry carried me over the threshold and my senses flamed with pleasure. “Tracey’s here, and she’s been cooking.”
“Of course!” she said, walking into sight. She enveloped us both in a tight embrace, then stepped back and touched her soft palm to my cheek. “Well done, darling – she’s absolutely perfect.”
We continued into the lounge where Maggie had already positioned herself in the sunniest spot, sharing secrets with my daughter.
“She’s due for a feed, babe,” I said when Harry lowered me onto the couch and covered me with my favourite merino blanket.
“I’ll sort it.” He kissed me then wandered back out to the car to collect our bags.
“You wanna have a cuddle with Nana?” Maggie whispered. “I can tell her no if you’d rather stay with Aunty Magz. You just give me the word.”
Bella-Rose mewed, and laughter filled the room. Tracey jumped up. “That was a yes.”
Maggie pressed a soft kiss to her nose before she handed her over to Tracey, and my heart overflowed. I brushed tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand and leant against Maggie as she settled down beside me and took my hand.
Then She Roars Page 29
