I saw her at peace.
Remember me like this.
Turning away from Tracey, from Cooper, from death, without opening my eyes, I walked down to the water and collapsed on the sand where I stayed as darkness descended.
I sat in silence when Maggie came and wrapped her arms around me and touched her head to my shoulder while they were taking my wife’s body away. I didn’t dare look. I needed to remember her in vibrant colour.
I stared at the horizon, disappearing into the night’s clutches as Tracey came, pressed her lips to my temple, whispered that she loved me and placed a blanket over my shoulders.
When I ambled through the house, past our loved ones, they acknowledged my presence with compassionate silence.
When Sally walked into the room with Bella-Rose, I took my daughter in my arms, kissed her and climbed onto the bed. Bella-Rose looked up at me with her mother’s eyes, placed her thumb in her mouth and lay back on my chest.
I watched as Sally retrieved our albums from the top of the dresser and placed them on the bed next to us. When she closed the door behind her, I picked up the first album and opened it on my raised knees. Kissing my precious daughter, I took a deep breath, and through tear-filled eyes and pain-filled words, I told her about her mumma.
Remember me like this.
EPILOGUE
Five days later
“When Avery was first diagnosed with breast cancer, she lost herself for a while there. She had this wildness about her. Our serious, guarded, professional Dr Avery Bishop had this fiery sidekick. A no-holds-barred, say-whatever-you-think, to-hell-with-the-consequences persona that came over her.” A faint smile touched her lips when she glanced my way. I couldn’t help the way my mouth curved upwards.
“We came to call her Sandy. That name came about when she started singing a duet from Grease with a sexy stranger in the park. A stranger who became the love of her life.” Sally’s features tightened before she laughed and inhaled a deep breath. “More on that later.”
My heart swelled with the memory.
“Sandy was the wild one, and we grew to love her as much as we loved Dr Avery. Admittedly, sometimes, when it got really ugly, we may have loved her more.”
I looked down at Bella-Rose, who slept soundly in my arms, and smiled. Our daughter had that same fire in her eyes, and I couldn’t get enough of it, even when her lioness was roaring at 3am.
“That overcoming spirit inside her had a name too. It was her lioness, and she was fierce. I’ve never seen anyone as strong, as courageous, as beautiful as Avery when she allowed that powerful force inside her to take control. When most of us would crumble under the weight of our circumstances, of our pain, of our fear, she drew on that strength inside her and stood firm through it all, in sexy heels to boot.”
“Yeah, Hollywood!”
A burst of light flashed through the haze as the chorus of tributes rained down on me. Bella-Rose startled awake in my arms, but soon settled when I raised her to my chest.
“I have a hundred stories I could share,” Sally continued. “A thousand wonderful things I could tell you about my friend, but I only have the strength for one, and it’s the one she wanted me to tell – she was bossy like that.”
I pressed my eyes closed and battened down the hatches.
“It’s all about her Prince Charming and the day her life changed. Harry is a man who fell in love with her crazy the minute they met and never took no for an answer. A man who refused to accept her stupid rules and boundaries and turned up and loved her in the dark.”
I clenched my jaw when it started to tremble. Cooper lifted his arm to my shoulders and held firm.
“A man who celebrated her beauty, her strength, her courage – every day, even when she’d lost sight of it. A man who turned the fantasy into a real life worth fighting for.” Sally’s voice broke as her grief overwhelmed her ability to speak. She grasped the lectern in both hands and raised her face to the heavens.
I’d lost the battle too, my thinly veiled composure destroyed by her words. When her voice rose above the collective sounds of mourning, I looked up to see Libby standing at her side.
“Harry, you showed her that a short life, filled with love, is one worth having. Thank you.” Sally inhaled a deep breath and focused on me. “Thank you for sacrificing your happy ever after to give her the love she deserved.”
Tears streamed as Sally made her way down from the stage. I stood and wrapped her in an emotional embrace – the child we both loved tucked between us.
“Thank you, Sally. That was beautiful,” the pastor said, drawing our attention back to the stage. “It sounds as though Avery liked to bend the rules.” He smiled when quiet agreement rumbled through the room. “Well, it seems today is no different. Here she is with some final words.”
The lights dimmed, and the room filled with gasps as Avery’s beautiful face filled the large white screen covering the front wall. My heart leapt in my chest at the sight of her. Even though I’d been warned, nothing could have prepared me for it.
“Surprise,” she said, waving. “You didn’t think I’d go without saying goodbye, did you?”
Bella-rose stirred awake and turned towards her mumma’s voice. When she caught sight of Avery on the screen, the most amazing sound escaped her lips. “Yeah, that’s your mumma, baby girl.”
“Something wonderful happens when you realise how short life is,” Avery said. “You stop wasting it.”
Tracey laced her hands in mine and squeezed.
“It’s so easy to get lost in the busy, to get lost in the struggle, in the dark. And trust me, I’ve spent a good while wandering aimlessly in the dark, but there comes a point when you need to choose not to live there. It’s not easy, I know …” She touched her hand to her chest. “But it’s worth it. Cancer stole my life, but it also gave me life.”
I sat mesmerised by the peace she’d found in the darkest season of her life. Her eyes were alive with it.
“I met the love of my life because I had cancer. I know, right? Ridiculous – but true. He fell in love with this crazy woman at the park who was cartwheeling, overly flirtatious and breaking into song. But I wouldn’t have been there, and I wouldn’t have been her if I hadn’t been high on shock and terrified of dying.”
She paused to allow us time to consider her words.
“I met my ladies, my pride – and you Thomas …” Avery pointed into the crowd, drawing us all under her spell. “And I learned how to be strong, how to endure, how to laugh despite the heavy burden of grief. I learned how to allow myself to stand firm in the storm without allowing it to destroy me. It was there I learned about collateral beauty and that, more than anything, taught me to look for light in the dark places.” Avery pressed a finger to her lips and squeezed her eyes closed.
I found myself holding my breath.
“I began to see all the amazing things that had happened since I received my diagnosis. The opportunities that had presented themselves, the lives, the marriages, the tragedies that I was able to speak life into. This idea that beauty can be birthed from something that is broken or painful allowed me to find value and meaning in this life that I loved but knew I was losing.”
Avery took a deep breath to compose herself. “Life is too short to focus on the past or the pain. It’s too short to allow fear to rob you of the precious time you have with your loved ones, to allow those ugly voices in your head to have power over you. You can change the record. You can surround yourself with people who’ll encourage you, who’ll empower you to survive, to thrive – people who’ll love you, regardless of your mistakes and your shortcomings. Life is too short to be lonely.”
The room was silent as Avery exhaled a heavy breath, then raised her jaw in graceful victory. “Rise up, beautiful people. Rise up and brush the dirt off your feet … all that pain, that insecurity, that doubt, that shame that is weighing you down. Stop giving power to those things or people who will hurt you. Believe in the dream – as i
mpossible as it may seem. Despite the pain I endured, my life was one miracle after another. Nothing is impossible. Nothing.”
There was a rumbling behind me as Avery lowered her palm to her swollen belly, her eyes streaming with tears. “Cancer may have taken my breath, but it didn’t take my life. My life is here. My life is in you, the people I love. An invisible thread running through every single one of you. One that, I hope, will remind you to listen to that gentle voice in the dark that tells you that you’re beautiful, that you’re worthy, that you’re loved, that you’re good enough, that you’re strong enough to endure even the hardest days. Let the truth of it overcome the lies that pain, fear, doubt and comparison feed you. Choose to live, fully engaged – choose a life that you love. You only get one.”
The room was silent as Avery raised her quivering chin. “You only get one.”
My chest tightened painfully as I forced the familiar ache down, refusing to let my grief drown out the sound of her voice. I wanted to hear her … to savour every word.
“Life happens. It can be messy and painful … people can be cruel … sickness is indiscriminate. But, when it comes to the end, the only thing that matters is love. Giving it; feeling it.” Avery shrugged. “Nothing else. So, I challenge you, as a woman who had to say goodbye too early to a husband I adore and a daughter who was – who is – the greatest treasure of my life, don’t take it for granted. Don’t lose yourself in the noise. Don’t listen to that voice of disbelief, that voice that says you can’t win, can’t succeed, can’t be happy, can’t move on, can’t overcome.” Avery shook her head. “You can. You can. You’re stronger than you think – I’m proof of that.” She threw both hands in the air and stood. “Your life matters. Make it count!”
It wasn’t until Cooper said my name that I heard the rumbling murmur and the scraping of chairs on the hard, wooden floor. I turned, following Cooper’s lead, to witness the words of Avery’s heart bursting to life all over the room like sparks catching alight. One by one, young and old rose from their chairs, tears streaming from their eyes. I focused on every face, every life, and realised this was her legacy … this invisible thread that she wove through the lives of everyone in this room.
This was hope. This was grace. This was love.
In her darkest hour, she was light.
INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER
What would you do if you lost everyone you loved overnight?
GRACE KINGSTON had it all. A passionate marriage, two gorgeous children and a career she loved until they were ripped from her life in a hit and run.
Thrust into a life she didn’t choose, Grace battles under the weight of her grief and the conflicting desire to honour their memory. When she finds a handwritten bucket list in her son’s bedroom, she sells everything she owns and takes off on a quest that transforms her.
Conquering some of her greatest fears and insecurities, across three continents, Grace is faced with a decision. Does she keep living her life in survival mode, clinging to the memory of her husband and children, or does she release them from her tight grasp and build a new life without them?
What will it take to claim a life, filled to the brim with the passion and joy she desires? This raw, breathtaking story delves into the darkest places of grief and reveals the beauty that rises out of the ashes.
“Vanessa just gets what it is to be human and communicates it so beautifully in an engaging and enthralling way.” Amazon Reader
“Out of the Ashes" is literary heart surgery. Evetts dives headfirst into the "too hard basket" and does justice to weighty human experiences.” Amazon Reader
AMAZON BESTSELLER
What benefit is hope, when you’re trapped inside a nightmare that has no end?
Abandoned by those who claimed to love her and manipulated into the sex industry as a teen mum, SOPHIE finds herself in the middle of a drug and human trafficking ring with no hope of escape.
The only way out is to become the author of her own death and leave her daughter an orphan, until a life-changing offer from a stranger gives her a taste of the freedom she so desires.
Hidden away in a quaint beach town, Sophie and Lacie build a new life, clinging to the promises scribed in a handful of mysterious letters, until the strong grip of her past and the men who controlled it turn up and rip her newfound peace to shreds.
Alone, tortured and separated from her young daughter, Sophie has to decide whether to cling to impossible hope or give in to the desperate need to end her suffering. What would you choose?
BEAUTIFUL FRAGMENTS is full of suspense, heartbreak and breathtaking transformation as Sophie discovers her worth and fights for her freedom against all odds. Set in New Zealand, this novel is a story about the power of grace, love and kindness and a celebration of the unbreakable strength of the human spirit.
“Well-paced with a bit of texture, Beautiful Fragments tackles a taboo topic with dignity and has reminded me of the power of authentic love.” Amazon Reader
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Reading Then She Roars, you bear witness to the silent thoughts of a woman struggling with a potentially terminal illness. How did this impact your reading of the novel?
Discuss the prevalence of cancer and the increasing epidemic of serious and debilitating illness in the world today.
Discuss the moral dilemma that existed for Avery, starting a new relationship knowing she had a potentially life-threatening illness.
What was your first impression of Avery? How did this change throughout the novel? Discuss.
How do you feel about the concept of ‘Collateral Beauty’ as described by Annie? How is it different from saying ‘everything happens for a reason’?
Was there a scene, moment or conversation in the book that captured you?
Vanessa Evetts writes with unusual insight. If you could sit down with the author, what would you ask? (Feel free to post your questions on her Facebook author page or Goodreads).
Overcoming fear was a strong theme throughout the novel. Is there something that is holding you back from living your best life? What are some steps you could take to overcome it?
Discuss the main turning points in the novel, which gave Avery a renewed sense of the value of her life and the impact of her presence in other people’s lives. How can we learn from her experience to ensure we’re a positive influence in the lives of others?
How much did Avery’s spirit – her lioness – play a part in her survival?
As a reader, did you connect with Avery’s lioness as a character in the novel?
What could you take away from Avery and Harry’s story to better serve those who are journeying through tragedy or serious illness?
There’s a subtle spiritual sub-theme throughout this novel. Discuss your own beliefs and experiences with the presence of ‘a gentle whisper’, or ‘roaring courage’ in times of struggle. If you’re discussing with others, please do so with grace and love, understanding that everyone has had different experiences in life, which have led them to their worldview and beliefs.
Discuss Harry’s approach to his Christianity in relation to your experience of faith, religion and other believers. ‘Life is too complex to put people in boxes. Believers come in all shapes and sizes.’ How did this impact your reading of the novel as a believer or non-believer?
Discuss Harry’s initial response to Avery refusing chemotherapy during her pregnancy. How would you feel as a loved one of someone who had to make a life and death decision like this? How would you respond if they made a choice that you disagreed with?
If you were Avery, would you have made a different decision? If so, why?
How does the author’s literary style contribute to the message or the story? Give an example.
The author actively fought against Avery’s death in the writing of her story, desperately wanting her happily ever after. Sadly, the integrity of Avery’s journey won out over the author’s wishes. How did you feel about the final few chapters of Avery’s life?
If you could rewrite her story, or part thereof, what would it look like?
If Then She Roars was to be made into a film and you were the casting director, who would you cast?
Discuss the question ‘Can joy and despair co-exist? Life and death?’
The overarching questions of this novel were:
‘How do we find value in a life we know we are losing?’
‘Can love indeed conquer death?’
Do you think the author did these questions justice in the telling of Avery and Harry’s story? Discuss in relation to your own lives and experiences.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To those who love others unconditionally. To those who step into the fray to love someone through the trial. To my village and family who embrace me wholeheartedly and understand my passion for words, people and silence. Thank you.
My siblings, my first and lasting best friends. Thank you for ensuring I understood my worth, for making me laugh like no other and consistently showing me how loved I am even in the dark.
My gorgeous Mum, Christine JC Thomas. Thank you for always picking up the phone and knowing how to embrace the heartbreak in my silence. Thank you for soothing me, for encouraging me and reminding me peace and joy can walk hand in hand with grief.
Sally, I feel so honoured that you’ve chosen to come on this journey with me. I’m blown away by your incredible talent and the way you capture my vision and weave it into breathtaking book covers. I appreciate you!
My beta readers and experts who willingly read, correct and review first drafts to ensure I produce a story I can be proud of.
Matthew, you are the inspiration for every hero, on every page.
This book was all heart. I lost my best friend to breast cancer in 2013, and the absence of her laughter, her passionate kindness and enthusiasm for life walks with me daily. My faith in a loving God - both a gentle whisper in the quiet places and the all-consuming roar that comes from within - is what I draw on to live a life of joy and intention, post tragedy and trauma. I am incredibly grateful for it.
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