by A.L. Crouch
After lunch, Sulley and I walked back to the station still laughing from our conversation.
“How was lunch?” Will asked, looking up from his desk.
“Great as always until Alex here reacquainted herself with the old soda fountain,” Sulley teased.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Who doesn’t like strawberry Coke?”
“Or grape Seven-up, my personal favorite.” Will winked.
He was much less intimidating when he smiled, I mused. I wondered if that was the reason he did it so rarely.
“See there? A man with taste.” I smiled back.
Sulley glanced at the two of us and frowned. Will cleared his throat and opened his desk drawer.
“I promised you a set of keys and an introduction,” he said and started to rummage through the drawer. Perplexed, he emptied the contents onto the top of his desk, pilling up papers and notepads as he scoured.
“That’s strange. I always keep them in this drawer.” He opened the other drawers and looked around before shrugging. “I guess it’s possible that I grabbed them and took them home on accident. I’m sorry. Rain check till tomorrow?”
“Don’t even worry about it. Tomorrow’s Saturday, I don’t want you to come all the way to work.” I waved him off.
“Oh I’ll be here. So will the chief. Weekends are when all the fun happens. I’ll have them tomorrow, promise.”
“Well I guess that works then,” I said with a shrug.
“You want me to drop you back off at the house till I’m off? Before I leave I’ve got to plan out how I’m going to close off this side of the street when they come to renovate the train station. Be maybe an hour or so?” Sulley asked.
He grabbed an empty cup and walked to the coffee pot. The man drank coffee all day.
“No, it’s okay. I’m just going to go into the grocery, maybe grab a new book,” I said and opened the door to go back out. “Be back soon.”
I didn’t want to tell him that I wasn’t ready to go back to the house. Not yet. I needed reinforcement for the night. By the time I returned to the station Sulley was locking up the front door. He waved and nodded to the shopping bags I carried with a smile.
“I see you’ve had a productive time,” he said.
“Yep. Got a couple bottles of wine, some chocolate, and a couple of used books – everything I need to survive,” I said and we walked to the truck where I secured my new treasures in the back seat.
“Yes, you have excellent survival instincts,” Sulley joked and started the truck.
Every curve of the road to Sulley’s house was a key that unlocked some distant memory of the many visits with both he and Gram there. I thought of the hilarious family stories at the dinner table and the many lessons in baking and, more importantly, the eating of the every heavenly product. I could almost feel the thousands of warm hugs and cuddles that had made me feel like the most loved little girl on the planet. The excitement of was seeing Gram was overwhelming, but so was the sense of dread.
“Do you think she’ll remember me?” I asked Sulley.
Gram was the only grandmother I had ever known. My mother’s mom had died before I was born and I had never known my father, let alone the rest of his family. If she didn’t remember me it would be like losing her all over again.
“Well, you just never know from day to day. She was doing well this morning, so maybe today will be a good day,” Sulley sighed. “Just remember, if she says something that doesn’t make sense, just shrug it off. There’s just no telling where her mind is.”
Sulley’s street had always been quiet, the houses set back into the towering pines and only accessible through long, private driveways. As we turned into the last driveway on the left, I stared up at the quaint but aging log cabin home where so many of my childhood memories were created. I didn’t want to be nervous, but I was. If Gram didn’t remember me now in her deteriorated state, how would I end up remembering her?
“Well, here we are. Home sweet home.” Sulley put the truck into park and hopped out.
I followed him to the front door where an attractive, middle-aged black woman smiled warmly at me as she greeted us.
“Oh good, you guys made it home early. Gram just finished putting dinner in the oven,” she said. “Needs to cook a while yet, but she’ll be happy you are here.”
Sulley went straight into the living room while the woman stared and smiled at me in the entryway.
“My name is Nadine. I look after your grandmother. And you, My Dear, must be Alexandra,” the woman said clasping my hand. “I have heard so much about you. You’re even lovelier than I had imagined.”
I shook her hand. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
Nadine waved off the handshake and giggling, leaned in and gave me a firm hug. She smelled of sweet lavender and vanilla, which instantly put me at ease. I found myself hugging the stranger back.
“She talks about you all the time, you know. Whatever condition she is in, I know that she has missed you very much. No matter what happens, just remember that everything is going to be alright,” Nadine said and then released me and grabbed her coat from the rack. I found it hard to take my eyes off the lovely woman.
“Thank you for taking care of her,” I said.
Nadine put on her coat and turned at the door.
“Now you don’t ever have to thank me. It’s a blessing and an honor to be the one to look after your grandmother. It was nice to finally meet you Alexandra. I am so glad that you are back,” she said turning to cup my face in her hands. “You must remember to have an open mind and heart, dear. Only then will you see.”
Then she patted my cheek and walked out the door.
I stared after her for a minute trying to make sense of Nadine’s words when I was distracted by a soft, familiar voice that called to me from the living room.
“Well now, come on in here young lady. Supper will be ready in a little while and I haven’t gotten my hugs yet.”
I turned slowly, my heart racing in my chest, and followed the sound of Gram’s familiar, though now aged, voice. There I found Sulley, bent down away from me as he embraced the old woman. I watched as delicate, pale arms reached around him and gave his back a pat. Then Sulley stood up and glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Looks like it’s a good day,” he grinned.
When he stepped aside she was real and in front of me, no longer a memory, smiling with arms outstretched. She had the same warm smile that could melt even the coldest heart or pretense. Her hair, once a steel grey, had faded into a white cloud surrounding slender shoulders. A few more wrinkles had settled into what was an otherwise timeless face.
As I walked up to embrace her, I looked deep into her eyes and was saddened. Something in them was different. Those eyes, which were once so bright and expectant, now seemed dark and tormented, as if the life reflected through them was weighed down by an unseen burden. Tears welled in my eyes as I embraced the small woman and clung to her.
“Now you give Gram a big ole hug missy. It’s been far too long since you’ve come round here,” Gram said as she patted me on my back and gave me a peck on the cheek.
I straightened and wiped the tears from my eyes before she could see them.
“How are you feeling today Mom?” Sulley asked from the corner.
“Oh now, don’t you worry about me one bit, Sullivan. We have a guest. Why don’t you set the table for dinner? And you, young lady, why don’t you come on in here and let me get you something to drink. We can catch up on life.” Gram motioned me towards the kitchen. “And Sullivan, could you turn that television off? I can’t stand to hear one more thing about that shooting or that poor young man. And after all he did to save those people . . .” she said as she disappeared into the kitchen, her voice trailing off.
Sulley sighed and rolled his eyes at me before walking over to the television. I followed Gram into the kitchen giggling. Despite what I had seen in her eyes earlier, she wa
s the same old Gram.
In the kitchen, Gram poured me a glass of her sweet tea and motioned for me to have a seat at the white-tiled kitchen table. I admired the whole scene, down to the last faded daisy on the yellow wallpaper. Gram checked on the roast in the oven and carefully chopped the vegetables for the salad. I smiled each time she stepped on the squeaky floorboard by the sink. Gram was oblivious to the squeaking and I decided that the floorboard matched Gram: old and unsteady, but still full of spunk.
We talked about everyday thinks like the turning of the leaves and the council’s display in the library window. I was glad for the light conversation. It made me feel as though I had never really left, and for a moment I was that happy little girl again spending time in her happiest of places.
Dinner conversation turned to stories about Sulley and Gary and their brotherly exploits. Although Gram’s stories made me miss Gary all the more, the mortified look on Sulley’s face made me laugh. He turned beet red when Gram recounted a dare that he and Gary had going, on who could urinate the farthest. It was all fun and games until Sulley inadvertently watered an electrical socket and was given the jolt of his life.
“He always won. No matter what the game, he always won,” Sulley snickered, “but always by default. The universe seemed to always be on his side.”
Sulley’s expression changed then and I knew his thoughts had shifted into darker territory, to the night when the universe was not on Gary’s side. The night that had changed everything. I refused to let go of the light-hearted mood though. I wanted more than anything to cling to this fleeting moment of real family time. I rose from the table and gave Sulley an encouraging pat on the back and began to gather up plates to take to the sink.
“And what do you think you are doing young lady?” Gram asked.
“Clearing the table,” I answered on my way to the sink.
Gram rose from her chair and grabbed a few plates shakily. “Nonsense, you are the guest. You have yourself a seat. I’ll get these out of the way.”
“I am hardly a guest. Besides, we have to get these out of the way so you can show me how to bake your famous cookies, remember?”
Sulley got up from his chair and gathered the remaining dishes and set them in the sink. Unlike Gram, he was skilled at avoiding the squeaky floorboard.
“Well that’s my cue to leave you two ladies alone. I don’t want to get in the way of cookie time,” he said and excused himself from the kitchen.
He looked back and gave me a smile on his way out.
“Just like old times.”
I smiled at him and he gave me a wink as he left Gram and I alone.
“Cookies huh? Why I could make those in my sleep,” Gram said as she began to gather all the ingredients.
I paid close attention as she assembled the flour, sugar, baking powder and oatmeal into one large mixing bowl and I stirred them with a large wooden spoon. After adding the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients she dipped a spoon in the bowl and gave the dough a taste. She pondered for a moment and then sighed, looking puzzled and distraught.
“What is it Gram?” I asked.
“It’s not right. It’s missing something.” Gram looked back at the counter full of ingredients. “But I can’t seem to remember what else . . .”
I studied her face for a moment and then walked to the spice rack and pulled out the nutmeg and brought it to Gram. “Is this what’s missing?”
Gram’s eyes grew wide. “Why yes, that’s it exactly! How could I have forgotten my secret ingredient? Thank you dear.” She sprinkled some in. “The trick is to add just a pinch. Too much will overpower the cinnamon.”
My heart threatened to break. I had missed so much time with Gram, and I had learned the hard way to cherish the ones you have while you still have them. How could I have stayed away so long?
When Gram pulled the cookies from the oven I waited until they had cooled just enough to pull one off the rack to taste. They were better than my memory had served. Eat bite was filled with sweet and spicy heaven laced with love. Gram oozed with delight at my obvious satisfaction as Sulley came back into the kitchen.
“Best damned smell in the world,” he said and grabbed a cookie off the cooling rack.
“How about some milk?” Gram offered.
“Actually Mom, it’s getting pretty late. I should really be getting our guest home so you can get some rest. I’m sure it’s been a long day for you both.”
I glanced at the clock above the stove. Time had flown so fast. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want this familiar feeling to end. This feeling of belonging. The thought of facing my empty house made me want to stay even more, but I knew that Gram needed her rest and I remembered the wine waiting for me in the truck. That offered some comfort anyway.
“Yeah, I should be going. I’ll be back real soon,” I said.
“Well you’re not going anywhere without taking some of these cookies with you,” Gram said, and dropped a dozen into a small paper sack and walked us to the door.
“I’ll be back in a bit Mom. Call me on my cell if you need anything. Remember, the number is by the phone,” Sulley said and then went ahead to start up the truck.
Gram handed me the bag of cookies and wrapped me up in a hug. She gave me her usual pat on the back and leaned in close.
“It was so nice to have you over again, Tina,” She said against my ear.
I shot upright and looked into Gram’s smiling face, puzzled.
“Tina?”
“Now you make sure and come back and help me bake some more cookies,” she said with an oblivious smile.
I stood there stunned, unable to speak.
She let go of me and leaned in close a second time.
“He loves you, you know. That’s why he had to do what he did.”
I could only stare at her, dumbfounded, for a minute. I opened my mouth to correct her, to tell her that I wasn’t Tina. I was Tina’s daughter. But I remembered what Sulley had said and decided not to argue. I didn’t want to upset Gram by telling her she was confused so instead I kissed her on the cheek and got into the truck with Sulley. Gram waved goodbye as we pulled out of the driveway. I waved back, contemplating what she had said.
“She called me by Mom’s name,” I said. “She thought I was Mom the whole time.”
Sulley glanced and me and nodded solemnly. “Yeah. I knew she was stuck in the past when she called me Sullivan. She hasn’t called me by my full name since before the accident.”
“It was still a wonderful time, I just . . . I really thought she remembered me.”
“I’m sure that somewhere in that marvelous mind of hers, she does. Somewhere inside there, she remembers everything,” Sulley said.
“I hope so,” I said still shaken.
“Did she say anything else?”
“Yeah, it was weird. She said, ‘He loves you and that’s why he had to do it.’ What do you think that means? You think she was talking about Gary?” I asked.
Sulley brooded for a minute. “Ah, who knows. Like I said before, sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense. You just have to shrug it off. Besides all of that, today was a really good day. We should just hang onto that.”
I sighed. “You’re right. Tonight was perfect.”
“Yes it was. So good to have you back,” Sulley said, smiling.
It was a six-minute drive from Sulley’s house to mine if you took a small gravel road that cut through the neighborhoods and surrounding forest. Mom had never been willing to take the shortcut at night when the road was dark as pitch and the dust from the gravel dimmed the headlights making the drive slow and eerie. Sulley took the road without hesitation and switched on his fog lights, which did little to overcome the oppressive dark that surrounded us.
Soon the gravel dumped us onto a side road in my neighborhood and I was relieved to see street lights once again. When we pulled up to the house I made a mental note to keep the porch l
ights on before going out from now on. The house looked macabre dressed in the shadows cast from the moonlight against the trees. I climbed out of the truck and Sulley hopped out behind me.
“Don’t forget your survival kit,” he joked and grabbed my bags from the back seat.
“Wouldn’t dare,” I said taking them from him. “Also, I don’t have a key to the house, not that I really need it around here, but I’d guess I’d feel better if I had one.”
Sulley unraveled a key from his ring. “Don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Take mine. I have a spare back at the station if you ever lock yourself out. You going to be okay tonight? Don’t think I have to remind you that you’re welcome back at our place . . .”
I grinned and raised my bags. “I’ll be fine. Got my survival kit, remember?”
I turned towards the house and then back to Sulley, remembering the night before. “You didn’t happen to come back by last night did you?”
Sulley got back into his truck and turned to me with concern. “No, why did you hear something last night? Get spooked?”
“It was nothing. Must have been dreaming, that’s all.”
“Well I hope it was a good dream then.” He laughed. “I’ll pick you up around nine on my way to the station. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“You got it. See ya.” I waved and went inside as the truck pulled out of the driveway with a roar.
The first thing I did was to turn on all the lights in the living room and kitchen before taking my bags to the counter. I opened one of my bottles of wine immediately and contemplated whether or not to use a glass. Deciding that the last thing I needed was a repeat of last night’s overindulgence, I grabbed a glass with monitoring of proportion in mind. Moderation was key, I reminded myself even as I downed half the glass in one gulp and topped it back off.
Grabbing a cookie from the paper sack, I leaned against the counter. Today had been a great day. I closed my eyes and savored each cinnamon flavored memory. However, the sting of disappointment that Gram had thought I was my mother lingered on my mind. And what had she meant by, “that’s why he had to do it?” What had Gary done? I wondered, but shrugged it off. Sulley was right, it could be anything.
I took another drag from my glass and topped it off once more before grabbing one of the books I probably wouldn’t read and I heading upstairs. Deciding to leave the lights on, I made sure not to glance at the piano as I passed through the living room. I would be damned if my emotions were going to get the best of me tonight.
With my hands full, I was unable to switch on the light on the second floor hallway, so I took to speed walking to the master bedroom. I almost made it to the end of the hall when a loud creak followed by an even louder thud made me jump and stopped me abruptly with a squeal.
In the dark I could see that something was now blocking the doorway to the master bedroom. My heart beat faster and I hesitated and watched in silence for further movement. When there was none, I set the book on the floor and searched with my hand for the hall light at that end of the hall.
When I flipped it on I could see that the attic door overhead had opened and the pull-down ladder lay extended to the floor, blocking entrance to the bedroom. I was relieved that was all it was, but how had it opened by itself? Maybe Sulley or the last tenant hadn’t shut it all the way and the movement in the house caused it to fall open? That had to be it. I took another swig of my wine and set it down on top of the book.
“What the hell,” I said with a sigh and started up the ladder, the wine spurring my confidence.
When I reached the top I found the chain for the light and pulled it, illuminating the mostly empty space surrounded by fluffy pink insulation. Pulling myself into the space, I took inventory. There was a medium sized box in the corner, an old vacuum cleaner, and a few Christmas decorations scattered throughout. I made my way on my knees to the cardboard box.
When I reached it, I brushed the dust from the top and peeled away the faded brown tape. The first thing I saw was a framed picture of me posing with my mother, which I remembered used to hang in the upstairs hallway. With a gasp I and yanked it from the box, studying the picture as an archeologist would an ancient artifact.
I owned only a couple of pictures of my mom from the years right before she died. My aunt had shown me plenty from her childhood, but this photograph had captured my mother not much older than I was now. Her long hair hung about her shoulders in blonde waves and her smile revealed the future of possibilities laid out before her. I stared in amazement. I did look just like her. Even though my own hair was shorter and a deep shade of chocolate brown, our eyes matched exactly, both a light shade of maple. Same sloping nose, same full mouth.
I tore my gaze away from the photo and reached into the box again, pulling out old school work and awards, a yearbook from third grade and another from fourth, and setting them aside. I felt around the bottom of the box and found a small piece of folded white paper. As I unfolded it I recognized it as my baptism certificate. Printed on it was the church emblem, the date, and my own signature, written in purple crayon.
I flipped the certificate over. On the other side was a drawing, also done in crayon, of a man. He was dressed in black and had a head of short black hair. Bigger than any other features of his face were his striking blue eyes.
I brought my hands to my mouth with a gasp and dropping the certificate, remembered the figure in had seen in the piano. Those were the same blue eyes. I shook my head and almost laughed aloud. The wine. It messed with my head last night, and it was messing with me now.
I plucked the certificate off the floor and giving one final look, folded it and tucked in under my arm before gathering all the contents of the box and throwing them back in. Dropping the certificate on top, I pushed the box to the attic entrance and carefully carried it down, turning off the light and shutting up the attic. Setting the box next to my bed, I went back for my book and quickly downed the remaining wine. I washed my face and brushed my teeth in the bathroom, all the while thinking about those piercing blue eyes.
By the time I climbed into bed, the wine had done its job and my mind was growing increasingly drowsy. Instead of starting my book, I found myself reaching into the box for the certificate. Laying back, I unfolded it and stared into those sapphire eyes.
For a second, while my mind started to drift somewhere between wake and sleep, I thought I heard a gentle strumming. Closing my eyes, I searched the expanse beyond my eyelids for the source of the soothing rhythm until I drifted off to sleep.
