by Dena Christy
She sank down on the edge of her bed, her fingertips going to her mouth. Kissing him had felt so right, and that’s what scared her. She didn’t even feel the same emotions pounding through her when Adam had kissed her, and she’d been in love with him. Could she risk going through all that again? Could she survive falling in love with him only to lose him? She’d lost so much already, could she risk losing more?
Chapter Eight
Cynric watched Evie flee the room and cursed under his breath. How could he have gotten it wrong? He thought he’d read her signals correctly, and for a while she’d been right there with him. Had he pushed her too far too fast when he’d caressed her breast? There had been a look of fear on her face when she’d pulled away from him. He wanted to go after her, to tell her that she had no reason to fear him, that he would respect any boundaries she wanted to put between them. It was a good thing Ryce was still there since he didn't think chasing her down the hall was the right way to assure her that she didn't need to be afraid.
“What was that all about?” Ryce turned his head away from where he’d watched Evie bolt out the door and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Nothing.” Cynric didn’t want to get into it with him. What had happened was between him and Evie, and no business of anyone else. Ryce’s intrusion was like a cold splash of water over his heated body, and the hard edge of reality intruded with him. He should work on getting them off this planet, not trying to get into Evie’s bed. He took one last look at the doorway she’d departed out of and turned back to Ryce.
“That’s not what it looked like to me. Maybe you’ll be the next one going through the mating ritual.” Ryce had a grin on his face and he appeared to be happy about the prospect of his commander finding his mate. If the way Evie rushed out the door, was any indication, he would go back home mateless.
“I doubt it.” He didn't even want to think about the possibility of having Evie as his mate. He was powerfully attracted to her, but he wasn’t good for her. He’d kissed her once, and she fled from him in fear. An image of her popped into his mind, of her caressing her belly, swollen with his child. He shoved it aside ruthlessly. A mate and child were not a part of his future, and he’d accepted that a long time ago. His men were his family, and he was happy to leave it at that.
“Never say never. I didn’t think I would find what I have with Collette, but I did.” Ryce’s normally hard features soften when he said his lover’s name, and a flash of envy went through Cynric. He suppressed it, envy wouldn’t help get them off the planet, and that’s what he had to focus on. The sooner they got out of Evie’s life the better. Despite what she’d said about her knowing the risks of taking them in, the truth of the matter was if they hadn’t come into her life, she would still have everything that she’d worked for.
“What did you want?” The best way to change the subject was to ignore it. Hopefully Ryce would get the hint, and see that he wasn’t interested in speculation about his love life. Even if there was a possibility of something happening between him and Evie, which her fleeing from the kitchen had assured him there wasn’t, he would not discuss it with Ryce. Not that he doubted his friend’s discretion, it was that he found it difficult discussing matters of a more personal nature.
“Synn and I are wondering if you want to make plans, or if we can get settled in for the night? The women have been through a lot today, and they are in need of comfort.” There was a look of eagerness on Ryce’s face that told Cynric the nature of the comfort he wanted to offer to his mate. Cynric couldn’t blame him. They’d almost been caught today, with the possibility of death to go along with that, and he was certain that both his men wanted to celebrate their survival in the most intimate way with their mates.
“We’ve been through enough today, and I’m sure everyone needs a break. We can make plans in the morning.” So much for his notion of using the creation of plans to get off this planet as a distraction from his desire for Evie. Now he had the prospect of a long night stretching out in front of him, alone in the room he’d been assigned. But he couldn’t deny his men the solace they would find in the arms of their mates.
Ryce turned away with quick steps, but he paused when he got to the door. He turned his head to look back at Cynric. His eyes studied him for a long moment until Cynric shifted on his feet. What was his friend seeing when he looked at him? Did he see that despite his words, in a deeply buried secret part of himself, there was a tiny flicker of hope that Evie was the woman who was meant to be with him?
“Things have a way of working out. We survived a crash landing on this planet, Synn was rescued from dissection, and you were rescued from prison. I thought I would spend the rest of my life mateless and alone, and now I have the honor of being mated with the love of my life.” Ryce gave him a crooked grin. “Evie’s a good woman, and she’ll come around. You have to be persistent.”
“Go enjoy your mate before I change my mind and decide that we will make plans all night.” He didn't want to talk about the possibility of mating with Evie. He couldn’t control who his true mate would be, and as much as he wanted her it didn’t matter. There was something about him that frightened Evie, and tonight wasn’t the only time he’d seen it. Most of his encounters with Evie had been one of push and pull, as if she was drawn to him but there was something pulling her back as well.
Ryce didn't need to be told to leave again, and he walked out the door and Cynric was alone in the kitchen. He looked around to see if there was anything else that needed to be done. The towel he’d used to dry the dishes lay discarded on the floor where he’d dropped it as soon as Evie had put her hands on his face. He stooped, picked it up and hung it on the small wooden bar by the sink so it would dry. There appeared to be nothing else to do. He might as well go to the room he’d been assigned and try to get some rest. They couldn’t stay here for long, and they would need to find somewhere else to go.
He picked up the oil lamp that cast a soft light around the room and carried it out of the kitchen. There was no one left downstairs, and the floor creaked under his feet as he walked up the stairs and toward his room. The door to Evie’s room was on the way to his, and he paused for a moment outside it. Was she still upset? Or had she forgotten the kiss and was settling in for sleep? The kiss played back in his head, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he’d done to frighten her. He’d tried to temper his touch, and while he was certain that she felt the passion he had for her, he didn’t think he’d shown her any overly aggressive behavior.
With a shake of his head, he moved away from her door and continued on to his room. He needed to shove the kiss from his mind, otherwise he’d get no sleep. He walked into his room and closed the door behind him. The room wasn’t large and only contained a bed, but at least it was better than a prison cell, or worse, a grave. The bed creaked when he sat down on it, and he knew that his feet would stick out over the edge once he lay down. At least it was wide enough to accommodate his frame. There might even be enough room in it for someone else, but he pushed that notion out of his head in an instant. The point of being in this bed was to rest, and nothing else.
He stood in a swift movement, stripped off his shirt and his pants, and threw back the covers. He climbed onto the bed, and it was only marginally more comfortable than the floor of the prison cell he’d been a resident of only a few weeks ago. With a swift roll, he went onto his side and pulled the blanket up over his shoulder. He closed his eyes and willed sleep to come.
The events of the day replayed in his head. He saw how he’d almost kissed Evie before the alarm had gone off, he saw himself carrying her from the building as it grew closer to destruction. While he’d admired her dedication to her cause, he couldn’t let her stay in there and blow up with the building. His mind moved forward, to when the loss had hit her when she sat staring out the window of the van. He felt every sob that had torn through her when he held her to him. And finally his mind settled on the kiss he’d shared wi
th her in the kitchen. It had exceeded all he’d expected it to be, and his passion for her had ignited swifter than he thought it would. Was that what had frightened her?
With a growl he rolled back over onto his back, sat up slightly and fluffed the pillow. He lay back down and closed his eyes again. He needed to sleep, and he willed her from his mind. Unfortunately his brain was stubborn and wanted to chew over the kiss, to worry over it like a problem that urgently needed to be solved. With a sigh, he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. Sleep would not come until he figured out what had driven her out of his arms. Dare he go ask her? If it was something that he’d done, he owed her an apology and a pledge that it wouldn't happen again.
He shoved back the blanket and sat at the edge of the bed. If he was smart, he’d get back into bed and discuss it with her in the morning. For all he knew, she was tucked into bed and sound asleep, the kiss forgotten. He reached for his pants and pulled them on. If she was asleep he’d leave her undisturbed, but he needed to know what he’d done to put that look of fear on her face. He wouldn't rest until he knew.
Evie tossed and turned on the large bed she’d been assigned. It wasn’t the most comfortable piece of furniture, but at least it was in a safe place. Sleep was eluding her, and she sat up. There was no point in trying to sleep while her brain replayed the kiss in the kitchen with annoying regularity. She would have thought after all that had happened today, her mind would want to focus on everything she’d lost. Apparently not, since the only thing she could think of was that kiss with Cynric in the kitchen and how she’d foolishly ran away from it when she’d moaned after enjoying his touch.
That was the crux of the problem, it wasn’t Cynric that frightened her, it was what he made her feel. When Adam had died, she gladly put that side of her life behind her. Love hurt too much to risk going through again. It was better to have a heart that was safe, whole and intact than to risk giving it to someone.
She gave a shake of her head. Love didn’t even enter the picture with Cynric. He stirred a lot of things in her, but saying it was love was putting a pretty face on it. Attraction, desire, and lust so deep and powerful that it had almost led her to begging him to fuck her on the kitchen counter. What she’d felt for Adam was softer, less intense. She’d never begged Adam to fuck her, his lovemaking had been sweet and gentle. Perhaps that was the difference between what Adam made her feel and what Cynric did. She was certain that she’d loved Adam, why else would his death have devastated her for so long? But with Adam she’d never wanted to tear his clothes off and sate herself on his body. In the kitchen with Cynric tonight, she’d wanted to do just that.
What harm would it do to indulge herself? She’d been celibate for years, and only in the company of women. Maybe what Cynric brought out in her was the inevitable result of a life lived like a nun. It didn’t mean that there was anything more to it than her body’s hunger to end the sexless life she’d forced it into.
She eased her body back down on the bed and slid her hand down her belly, under the waistband of the loose cotton pants she wore, over the curls nestled there. She opened her legs and dipped her fingers to where she was wet and swollen. Her fingers stroked over her aroused clit, and she closed her eyes, willing herself to feel the relief she knew her touch would bring. Her breath came fast with her strokes, and she could feel the relief building. In her mind, it wasn’t her hand stroking her but Cynric's.
A soft knock on the door jolted her out of her fantasy, and her hand shot out from under her pants. A flush crept up her face, and she wanted to growl in frustration. If only whoever was on the other side of the door had arrived five minutes earlier, or five minutes later. Her body wouldn’t be coiled tighter than a drum and begging for release. Who was it anyway?
Alarm shot past her frustration. Was it Rebecca? That’s the only person it could be who would come knocking on her door this late at night. Had they been discovered? Dear God did they need to flee again?
She got out of the bed, and went quickly to the door, making sure her clothes were presentable. She opened the door, and the arousal she’d felt only a few moments before came roaring back at the sight of Cynric standing there on the other side of her door. As if the fantasies she indulged in only a moment before had conjured him, he stood there, with no shirt covering his broad muscular chest. She crossed her arms over her breasts to keep the sudden peaking of her nipples from view.
“Cynric? What’s wrong? Has something happened?” This was a possibility that she hadn’t considered. Why would he be at her door in the middle of the night unless it was to warn her that something was going on?
“Forgive me. There is nothing happening and I’m sorry I’ve alarmed you. I came because I wanted to talk about what happened in the kitchen earlier. I frightened you, and I wanted to apologize for that.”
Evie took a step back and swept her arm out to indicate that he could come in. He hesitated, as if he knew just how dangerous it was for them to be alone in a room together. If she had any sense, she’d tell him that he didn’t need to apologize for what happened in the kitchen and send him on his way. That wasn’t what she was going to do. She needed to be honest with herself, and with him. She wanted him, and she could be a woman about it and own up to it. Running away like a scared kid only sent him mixed signals and made him think that he was the problem when the problem lied with her and what she wanted.
Her eyes tracked him as he walked into the bedroom. He stood so close to her bed, and it would only take her a few steps to reach him. She longed to traced the long sweep of muscles that roped over his back and went from his broad shoulders and tapered down in a V to his trim waist. She could ignore the need to have this conversation with him, but it wasn’t fair to let him think that he frightened her, when it was the direct opposite. She’d never felt safer or more protected with any other man, including Adam. Adam had his fine points, but a warrior he was not. Cynric was cast from a different mold, and she owed it to him and herself to be honest with him.
“You didn’t frighten me.” She spoke quietly and took a step toward him.
He spun around and raked a hand through his hair. The muscles in his chest flexed with his movement, and the tattoo covering part of it and up around his shoulder danced as the muscles rippled under his skin. It didn’t seem possibly, but she was wetter now that he stood shirtless in front of her than she had been while touching herself only a few minutes ago.
“Don’t lie to spare my feelings.” His voice came out in a growl, and her body responded. She closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to get control over herself. She owed it to him to focus on what he was saying, and not what his presence was doing to her body. “I saw your face when you pulled away from me. That was fear, and I put it there.”
“No you didn’t.” He shook his head and growled again. “Cynric, listen to me. I’m not afraid of you. You don’t frighten me and if I made you think that while we were in the kitchen, then I’m the one who should apologize.”
“I saw what I saw. If I don’t frighten you why did I see fear in your eyes? Why have I seen you struggling with something whenever we are alone together?”
Evie sighed. He would not give up on this unless she talked to him honestly about what was going on inside her. She pushed down on what he was making her feel physically. This was more important than her desire to jump his bones right now.
She walked over to the bed and sat down, patting the edge. He looked at her and at the bed for a moment as if it had just hit him that they were alone in a room with only a bed for furniture. He ambled over to the bed, and sat on it, leaving at least two feet of distance between them. Was it possible that Cynric didn’t trust himself alone with her? Could he want her with the intensity that she wanted him with? The sooner she cleared the air between them, the sooner she could find out.
“I don’t know how much the others told you about my history, about how I came to be running a sanctuary for women who want to escape their lives. Have C
ollette or Miranda mentioned anything about my past to you?” She didn’t think her friends would gossip about her, but they appeared to share everything with their mates, and perhaps some information had trickled down to Cynric.
“I haven’t been told much. I know that when I first arrived disguised as Commander Clancy that you were terrified. I saw that for myself.”
“I was once commanded by the government to marry him. He was the last man I wanted, but my parent’s were over the moon at the match. I ran away, with a man named Adam, who I was in love with. We made plans to escape and have a life together using new identities. Unfortunately Commander Clancy isn’t the type to let the humiliation of losing go, and while I can’t prove it, I’m positive that he’s responsible for Adam’s murder.” Evie looked down at her hands. Talking about this didn’t hurt as much as she expected it to. For a long time after Adam’s murder, pain had ripped through her at the mention of his name. Now she only felt sadness when she spoke of him.
“I’m sorry that you’ve lost so much. I’ve only added to it, when our carelessness led Commander Clancy back to you and caused the destruction of all you’d built.”
This was not going the way she wanted it to. What she was saying was supposed to make him see that he didn't scare her, not that he had further cause to feel guilty.
“I thought we’d talked about this in the kitchen. I knew the risks of taking all of you in, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat, even knowing that I would lose it all. I’m not telling you any of this to make you feel more guilt. For a long time after Adam I carried that same guilty burden and thought that it was my fault that he’d been killed. A litany played over and over in my head, that if I hadn't let him go out by himself, if I hadn’t agreed to run away with him when he asked, that he’d still be alive. Maybe that was true, but I’ve learned that you can’t control what other people do. Adam loved me, and he wanted to run away with me, I didn’t coerce him into anything. He was killed, and it was devastating, but I’m not the one who did it. That blame belongs with another. So maybe the military came because I was harboring you all there, or maybe they came because it was finally my time to get caught. You didn’t call Commander Clancy and tell him where you were, so it’s not your fault. I’m the one who pushed the button to destroy the compound, and I don’t want you to feel responsible for that.”
