An hour later, Kyle and I climbed into the car, finished with the necessary paperwork. Despite the disappointing news that I needed to come back…again, I was feeling optimistic. The hardest parts of this process were over—I had been approved.
“I wish we could have stayed in Chicago.” I angled in my seat to face Kyle as he drove us home. “I hadn’t expected how much the move would take out of me, or how much I’d miss our home. I grew up there, met you, spent every minute of my life walking those streets.” I sighed as a surprising wave of homesickness tore through me. “I would’ve liked to die at home.”
Kyle squeezed my leg. “Tessa.” His voice was sad, and though he only said my name, it said everything.
“I know it’s silly. It’s just... I wish things were different in the world.” I let my gaze wander out the window. “I wish I owned my body.”
“You do,” Kyle tried to assure me. “Your body is yours to do whatever you want with.”
“But that’s not really true, is it? If we’d stayed in Chicago, the powers that be—whoever that is—wouldn’t have let me make this choice.”
Kyle was silent. “Would that be such a bad thing?” His voice was restrained, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to speak at all.
Guilt rolled through my belly. I’d promised him a lifetime together and then taken it back. I faced the window, saying nothing, and wishing he’d said nothing, too.
• ღ • ღ • ღ •
Sunday, August 3, 2014
“I think it’s time you told me where we’re going.” I pushed Beast out of my suitcase for the third time. “How will I know if I missed packing something I need?”
Kyle closed the lid of my suitcase. “You’re not missing anything.”
“Do I need a bathing suit? Or are those days behind me?” I looked in the mirrors paneling the closet door. A chest port was sticking out an inch below my collarbone and my skin was paper thin, burning almost instantly in the sun.
Kyle knit his brows, like he wanted to argue but then decided not to. “No swimming there.”
I frowned. “How about a hint?”
“Hmm...there will be water.” He zipped my suitcase and lifted it off the bed.
As he wheeled it from the room, I pulled a sweater on and grabbed my purse, smiling at Beast who sat by the door eagerly waiting for me. I was about to follow Kyle when I saw the stack of journals on my nightstand. I grabbed the one on top and shoved it into my purse.
“Tessa, you coming?”
“Yep!” I glanced down at the journal in my purse, then pulled it out and replaced it on the stack. I decided this vacation was going to be for my family and me—no one else. I didn’t want the pressure of chronicling every moment for others.
I wanted to live for me. Just for this week.
On that same thought, I removed my cell phone from my purse, too. There’s nothing like dying to make you stop living through a screen.
“Come on, Beast, let’s go.” When I reached the front yard, my dad and Kyle were packing suitcases into the trunk and Elly was placing water bottles in everyone’s cup holders, along with little baggies.
“What’s this?” I dropped my purse onto the back seat.
“Travel bags!” Elly exclaimed proudly. “It has snacks, tissues, hand sanitizer, and anything else you might need on a road trip.”
“Jeez, how long are we driving?” I worried about my stamina for a long car ride.
Elly lifted Beast into the car and took the seat next to me.
“Seven hours to Niagara Falls,” my dad answered.
Elly screeched. “Dad!”
“It was a surprise.” Kyle sighed loudly then turned to give me a smile from the driver’s seat. “What do you think, babe?”
I clasped my hands together, grinning from ear to ear. “We’re going to Niagara Falls?” The smile on my face was all the approval he needed. “Wait, do I have my passport?”
Elly pulled it out of her purse triumphantly and handed it to me.
“What about Beast?” I asked.
“Got his vaccine records.” She pulled them out as well. “That’s all he needs to cross the border.”
I squeezed the dog’s fluffy little body to my chest, giving him a kiss on his wriggling head. Smiling, I looked around at the people I loved most in the world, and I knew that it would all be worth it.
Being with them for one last adventure—one last memory—was worth it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Going unplugged for a week had consequences. I hadn’t thought it would matter, since I was with the only people I ever needed to call.
I was no longer employed, and not in regular contact with old friends. There was no special reason, I was just happy being with my family and didn’t need much more. I had friends in Chicago I’d occasionally grab a coffee with, but no one who I’d cared enough about to mention what was happening, or even warn of my move to Vermont.
Sure, I’d done the obligatory social media post about my diagnosis a few weeks into chemo, but nothing updated since. Everyone was so sure I was going to beat this, and I had no plans to tell them otherwise. I’d posted about my move to Vermont, but never responded to comments. Kyle ended up fielding most of it, becoming everybody’s go-to for information, but even he stayed tight-lipped at my request.
I wasn’t against social media—in fact, I had probably used it too much before my diagnosis. I’d been overly concerned with my amount of likes or followers on my posts. But now? There didn’t seem to be a point.
I didn’t like scrolling through my friend’s posts about new pregnancies, engagements, exciting jobs and opportunities. It was a reminder that there wouldn’t be anything new for me, and I was okay with that. I really was—or I was trying to be—but I didn’t need the reminder constantly shoved in my face.
Lying on my bed while Elly unpacked my suitcase, I powered on my phone for the first time in a week and it wouldn’t stop buzzing as new text messages and notifications came piling through. Every message was the same—people reacting in shock to my terminal status. I hadn’t posted anything in weeks, so the sudden influx was odd.
Every message was kind and apologetic, but they all wanted something from me. That’s the thing no one tells you about death—it’s about the living.
All my old classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, they wanted to say goodbye, ask me questions, or offer help. I don’t actually need or want any of it. Their requests and offers are for them—to feel important in the final moments of someone’s life, to ease their fears that this can’t, or won’t, happen to them, to make them feel like they made a difference, or did the right thing.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate the kindness. I do. I’m just exhausted. The trip was wonderful, but it took everything I had. My pain was increasing, and my body started aching the moment I woke up. My head was constantly pounding, and sometimes I had to lay still with a pillow over my face in a vain attempt to slow the searing pain behind my eyes.
Holding my phone and reading everyone’s messages was strenuous enough. I dropped my phone onto the bed beside me. “Um...Elly?”
My sister glanced at me from the closet where she was hanging up my sweaters.
“Did you post something online about me?”
“Like what?” Her eyes didn’t meet mine, but I knew she saw the you’re-fooling-no one expression on my face. “I just posted some pictures from the trip.”
“Ugh!” I pulled my oversized sweater tighter, hugging myself with the soft fabric. “I specifically said no one else could see those photos.”
“I know, but it’s a vacation.” Elly shrugged. “People post vacation photos all the time.”
“Not when they look like this!” I gestured my hand up and down my body.
I didn’t have to see the photos to know what they revealed. My skin had a slightly gray sheen. I was thinner than anyone should be—ironic, since I’d actually gained weight since treatment
ended. I’m not entirely bald anymore, but there was no mistaking my short hair for a fashion choice.
“I picked as flattering pictures as possible for all of us,” she tried to assure me.
I rolled my eyes. Flattering was not an attainable state for me anymore.
“But I might have also said this was our last trip together, what your prognosis was, and why we’re here…in Vermont.” She looked like she was deciding whether she should make a run for the door.
Through clenched teeth, I exhaled and chose my words carefully. “Why would you think that was okay? To post about my life to the world?”
She shrugged fast, her hands slapping against her thighs with a loud clap. “We moved away from everyone we’ve ever known, to a place we’ve never been, to...to...to what? And no one gets to know?”
Her volume was escalating, her face turning red and splotchy. I couldn’t tell if she was anxious or angry and I opened my mouth to respond, but Elly steamrolled ahead. “Our entire life before this is just gone! It’s gone and you don’t even seem to care because you’ve given up! So, yeah, maybe I told some people. Maybe I thought if more people knew, if we weren’t in our own little ‘death bubble’ up here, then you would have some hope!” Her tone dipped, her volume lower and heavier. “Then maybe you wouldn’t kill yourself.”
My jaw dropped, but I quickly closed it, grinding my teeth as I averted my gaze out the bedroom window. “Get out.”
“Tessa,” Elly started.
“Get. Out,” I repeated. “Now.”
Elly moved for the door, grabbing the frame and looking at me, as if expecting me to change my mind. I continued staring out the window.
When she finally left, I wanted to cry.
I focused on the water—moving and swirling in the bay, nowhere to be but everywhere to go. I envied its freedom, angry at the disregard with which it lived its life. I let rage well up in me, fill me with hot fury as I crawled beneath the blankets and lifted them over my head. Beast joined me, his breath hot against my neck.
I stared at the woven fabric, centimeters away from my face. Wishing it could be over. Wishing I didn’t have to decide anything—that my body would do it for me, take the breath from my lungs before I could utter another word. Before I’d have to say goodbye and hurt everyone I loved.
Please, I prayed. And I rarely prayed. But today...
Take me now. End this now. Please.
But I was still there.
• ღ • ღ • ღ •
“Is she awake?” Muted voices drifted across the room, meeting me where I lay curled around a pillow.
“Even if she isn’t, she needs to eat. She hasn’t eaten since this morning.” Kyle. I’d recognize his tenor anywhere.
I squeezed my eyes tighter and raised the covers higher.
“Tessa?” The door opened this time, his voice clearer. “I brought you a sandwich, and some hummus and cucumbers.”
My stomach roared awake and I gave up my quest to stay asleep for the rest of my life. Pushing the covers down, I gingerly lifted into a seated position. Aside from quick bathroom trips, I’d spent the rest of the day in this bed and had no plans to leave anytime soon. “I’m awake.”
Kyle held the plate up in front of me, joining me in bed.
I took it, eyeing the food with some hesitation. I was hungry, but that didn’t mean I would be able to keep my food down. My body was weird like that lately. Both healing and dying at the same time.
“You hungry?” he asked.
I nodded, taking a bite of the sandwich and swallowing slowly. “Thanks for bringing this.”
“You’re welcome.” He still didn’t move. “Do you want to come downstairs? I’ll make a bigger dinner in an hour or so.”
“I’m tired.” I also didn’t want to be around anyone, but I didn’t mention that.
Kyle rubbed a hand from his forehead to the back of his neck. “Elly told me what happened, and I saw the post online. Did you see it?”
“No, and I’m not looking. I’ve got dozens of unread messages, and I’m not going through any of them. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.”
“I’ll answer the messages for you, if you want,” Kyle volunteered.
Guilt washed over me over how distant I was being to the man who loved me so fiercely. I picked up the half-eaten plate of food and deposited it on the nightstand, then crawled onto his lap.
My head against his chest, I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I’d really like that. I really like you.”
He chuckled and kissed my temple. “I like you more.”
“I’m sorry I’m so grumpy,” I continued, snuggling into him even more.
His arms tightened around me and he kissed my forehead. “You have every right to be grumpy, Tessa. We’re all having a hard time adjusting.”
A few quiet moments passed before I finally spoke again, almost a whisper. “Are you ever going to be okay with this?”
He rested his cheek against the top of my head. “I’m trying, Tessa.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Monday, August 11, 2014
“Ready to go, Tessa?” my dad called from the entryway.
I pulled another sweater on top of the one I was already wearing, doing my best to keep the constant chill at bay. “Coming.”
When I arrived at the front of the house, Kyle and my dad were already pulling on their shoes. “Where’s Elly?”
My dad’s face turned sheepish. “She went to town earlier. Said she needed to study for her summer class at the library.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what he meant. Today was my milestone. It was the last day in a long process of jumping through hoops and government red tape to have control over my own life. It was taking back power over my life, my body.
She should be here for that. Instead, she was running.
“I’m sorry, honey,” my dad tried to say as we walked to the car.
“It’s fine,” I lied.
My heart still felt sore when we arrived at the hospital, meekly walking to Dr. Morales’ office. Kyle was by my side, but my dad was keeping the car running out front, refusing to pay for parking.
Dr. Morales’ receptionist brought us to an exam room where Dr. Morales joined us minutes later. He greeted us with hearty handshakes before taking my vitals. “How are you feeling today, Mrs. Falls?”
I shrugged. “I’m tired. Achy. The headaches are tough.”
“To be expected.” He flipped through papers in my chart. “You’ll need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, not pushing to do more than you can. Taxing your body could be very detrimental right now. Have you had any symptoms, aside from fatigue and headaches?”
“Nope.”
He ran me through an eye test, ensuring my vision was not impacted yet, then had me do some breathing exercises, and reminded me about taking my medications regularly. “Did we do any thinking over the week away?” he asked.
“My mind hasn’t changed,” I replied quickly.
Kyle dropped his chin to his chest, running his fingers through his hair.
Dr. Morales gave a small nod. “I’ll put the prescription through now and call down to the pharmacy. It’s on the first floor, so you can head on down to get it when we’re done here.”
I smiled, relief flooding my body. “Thank you.”
“The hospice nurse starts tomorrow,” he reminded me. “She’ll keep me up to date on your vitals, but if you feel anything is wrong or you’re having any issues, come in at any time.” He glanced up at me, then back down at his prescription pad. “Once you decide on the date you’re going to take these medications, I’d like you to call me. We’ll talk about it—no pressure—and make sure everything goes exactly how you want it to. Okay?”
He felt like a partner—someone finally on my side, willing to lend support no matter what. No judgment, no emotions, just assistance and assurance. “I’ll definitely do that.”
“Good. I’ll put in the script
now.” He stood and wrapped his stethoscope around his neck. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, Mrs. Falls. I’m sorry it couldn’t be under better circumstances, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you, Dr. Morales. You’ve done everything.”
A comfortable silence fell between Kyle and me while we made our way to the pharmacy.
“I’m picking up a prescription for Tessa Falls,” Kyle spoke to the technician at the pick-up window for me, an arm protectively around my shoulders. “Dr. Morales put it through a few minutes ago.”
“Sure. Let me go check.” The plump young woman with big eyes batted her lashes at him, blushing slightly.
I smiled at the interaction, proud that the handsome hunk she was eyeing was mine. Moments like this remind me how lucky I’ll always be to have loved him, even if so brief.
The technician returned seconds later, her face paler than moments ago. “Um, yes, the prescription came through.” She glanced at me, then quickly averted her eyes. “I need to call in my supervisor to fill it. He should be here soon.”
“You’re not able to fill it?” Kyle asked.
“Uh, I just…well…” She looked so flustered and kept glancing between the script in her hands, to Kyle, then to me. “I could, but I’m Catholic. This script is for...”
“We know what it’s for,” Kyle replied firmly, his grip on my shoulders tightening. “We just need you to fill it.”
“I’m sorry. The policy is my supervisor will fill it if my faith won’t allow me to. He’s due in a few minutes anyway. You’re welcome to sit in the waiting area and he’ll call you when ready.”
“Are you serious?” Kyle bellowed, his voice echoing off the walls. “This is legal. It’s prescribed. Call Dr. Morales. Call him right now and he’ll tell you.”
“Kyle, please.” I put a hand on his chest to calm him. “Miss, how long until the supervisor arrives?”
“About an hour.”
“An hour! You said he was a few minutes away!” Kyle was not calming down. “This is ridiculous. Call Dr. Morales down here right now.”
Every Last Drop: A Novel Page 22
