“You’re welcome, but you should taste it before you thank me,” he teased, pointing to the plate of food.
“No, not about the food.” I grabbed his hand, holding it in mine on the table top. “Thank you for getting the little things taken care of so none of us have to worry. Thanks for…being my Dad.”
“Don’t mention it, Tessa.” He squeezed my hand. “It’s no big deal. I like to stay busy, you know?”
I smiled at him, not at all surprised he’d deflected my compliment. “I love you, Daddy.”
He looked down at our hands, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. “I love you, too, Sunshine on a Cloudy Day,” he repeated the famous lyric that had created the nickname he’d called me all my life. “I just, uh…” He exhaled sharply and looked up at me. “I’m going to miss you, baby girl.”
“I’m sorry, Dad.” No parent should have to bury a child, and here he was preparing to do just that. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I could see the glimmer of tears in the corner of his eyes, but he blinked them away quickly. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, Tessa. I’m the one who is sorry,” he replied, shaking his head emphatically, his brows furrowed. “I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could fix this.”
“Dad…” I began to say.
“No, Tessa.” He shook his head one more time, exhaling loudly. “I wish it could be me.”
I didn’t say anything, the lump in my throat making it impossible to speak. He stood and grabbed a napkin off the counter, handing it to me so I could clean the tears from my face. I blew my nose into it, not caring how gross I sounded.
When I was done, my dad leaned down and wrapped his thick arms around me. I hugged him back, my tears soaking his shoulder. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I’m going to miss you, little girl,” he said again. “I’m going to miss your shine.”
Scraping glass suddenly pierced the room and we both startled, twitching at the jarring sound we felt down to our bones. An onslaught of barking quickly followed as Beast scratched at on the glass pane door to come in.
“That damn dog,” my dad cursed under his breath before letting him in.
“He’s a beast,” I laughed, wiping at my tears.
The moment the door opened a crack, the dog ran straight at me, slamming into my legs and then twisting this way and that, his tail wagging a million miles an hour. I tried to pick him up, but he was like a floppy fish on land and wouldn’t hold still. “Beast, calm down!”
“He’s going to miss you, too,” my dad said.
My heart felt heavy when I finally held Beast and kissed his wet nose, then snuck him a piece of my bacon. I wondered how he’d handle this afternoon, and if he’d know what was happening. I knew he could already sense something inside me—the way he’d scratched at my head before I was diagnosed, or the way he barked to warn me about oncoming seizures now.
I was going to leave him, and he wouldn’t understand why. He’d just know I’d promised to love him forever, and then I’d left.
I squeezed him closer against my chest and gave him a second, then a third, slice of bacon, and buried my face in his fur one more time.
Chapter Fifty
Thursday, October 2, 2014
When I was born, the room was crowded with people. Nurses and doctors carefully watched over my mother, but my dad was also there with both of my grandmothers. They welcomed me into this world with so much love and affection, because that’s really all anyone needs when starting the journey of life—people to love you and support you.
That’s all I needed when my journey was over, too.
“Tell me one more time,” I repeated to Malaika. I sat on the edge of my bed and looked up at her. “I know, I know it, but I want to go through it one more time.”
She nodded, not bothered by my question in the least. “This bottle has the pill you’ll take first. It’ll make you fall asleep and you’ll drink some water to make sure it gets down and stays down, since we can’t have you throwing them up.” She held up a small pill bottle then placed it down on the nightstand, and lifted up a second bottle. “Then once we’re sure you’ve swallowed the first, you’ll open these pills—they’re capsules, actually—and pour the contents in the remaining water, and drink it all. Every last drop. This one will stop your heart.” She placed the second bottle back down next to the freshly poured glass of water. “I can’t help you take either of these, but you don’t need my help. And, of course, legally I have to advise you…in no way do you have to do this. You have everyone’s support either way, but there is the option of waiting for nature to take its course.”
“I know,” I replied. “Malaika, thank you. You’ve been so helpful already.”
There was no one else in my bedroom at the moment, except for Beast who was sleeping on the bed next to me. Everyone was waiting downstairs for us to tell them we were ready. I’d chosen to be here in my bedroom at the end, looking out on Lake Champlain with everyone I loved around me.
It was simple and peaceful and all I needed.
“No need to thank me.” She squeezed my hand affectionately. “It’s my job. Though, even if it wasn’t, I’d still do this for you.” She stood up straighter, one hand on her pregnant belly, the other on her lower back for support. “I’m going to miss you, Tessa.”
I gently rubbed the front of her belly. “I’m going to miss you, too. Give this baby kisses for me, okay?”
She smiled. “I promise.”
I inhaled slowly, filling my lungs as much as I could. I pushed the air out just as fast in one long exhale. “All right, well…I guess it’s time.”
“You’re sure?” Malaika looked at me pensively. “There’s no rush. No pressure at all, you know that, right?”
I nodded. “I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a while now.”
Her lips formed a tight line, and she tipped her chin down. “I’ll call everyone in.”
Malaika stepped out of the room. I pushed back on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Still not comfortable, I played with the pillows until I finally found an angle I liked.
Beast moved next to my hip and curled up in a ball. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. He squirmed and wagged his tail, but stayed in his spot by my hip. He sensed something, I knew he did. Anyone who’s ever owned a dog can tell when they know too much.
“Hey, babe,” Kyle greeted me, a clearly forced smile on his face when he entered our bedroom first. He looked around the room, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. “Where, um, would you like me to be?”
“Here.” I patted my side. “Definitely here next to me.”
He kicked his shoes off into the corner of the room and grabbed the throw blanket stretched across the bottom of our bed. “Want this?”
“Ooh, yes, perfect.” It seriously was the softest blanket in existence, and I’d been obsessed with it since we moved here.
Kyle handed it to me and then climbed onto the bed. I fluffed the blanket over both of our legs, and Beast moved to my other hip, this time on top of the covers. Kyle leaned against the headboard and pushed in as close to me as possible, so he was partially behind one of my shoulders. I leaned my head back against his shoulder and he kissed my temple.
“I love you, Tessa,” he started, a hoarseness to his voice made him sound almost raspy. “I love you so much.”
I pulled one of his hands to circle around me, holding me, and intertwined my fingers with his. Lifting our hands, I kissed his knuckles. “I love you, Kyle. More than anything. Always. Every last drop of love.”
“Always,” he responded, his lips pressing to mine. I appreciated how he respected my wishes and hadn’t responded with all my love like we’d normally say.
My heart ached with how badly I wanted to stay with him, how badly I wanted to live out forever with him. I loved this man more than I’d ever know how to describe, and being in his arms at this moment was right. It was just…right.
“I love y
ou,” I whispered, kissing him again and again, and wishing this wasn’t goodbye.
“I love you,” he whispered, his voice catching and his lips pushing hard against mine. “Always know that. Wherever you are, and whatever life has in store for me, I’ll always love you, Tessa.”
Our words became more frantic, because I just needed him to know. There was a fundamental urgency in me that knew there was nothing more important right now than making sure he knew how I felt before I died. Nothing I’d ever earned, accomplished, or done in my life crossed my mind.
Love, kisses, closeness…those are the meaning of life. End of story.
My dad cleared his throat from the doorway, trying to signal that we weren’t alone. I felt my cheeks warm slightly, but Kyle didn’t look the least bit embarrassed.
“Come in, come in.” I waved the group of people inside the room. I guessed they’d let Kyle have a few minutes first, which touched me.
My dad entered first, seating himself on the end of the bed by my feet. He dropped one hand on my shin and rubbed gently. “How’re you feeling, sunshine on a cloudy day?”
“I’m good, Daddy. I really am,” I assured him, and it was true. I was nervous, definitely, but mostly, I was full of a calm peace that felt like the soft blanket over my legs. “I’m ready.”
My sister entered the room next. Her face was blotchy and red, tear-stained cheeks under puffy eyes. She hugged me tightly before laying on the bed against my side. Thank goodness, we had a king’s size bed, because there were officially four people and a dog on it, yet we were comfortable. Physically, at least.
Elly placed her head on my chest and wrapped an arm around my waist. The rest of her body curled against me in the fetal position, and I heard her sniffling as I rubbed her head gently. There was no numbness in any part of me anymore; I felt everything in my final minutes.
“I love you, Tessy.” Elly’s words were muffled against my shirt. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
I kissed the top of her head. “I love you, too, Elly.”
My dad cleared his throat again, less to interrupt us this time and more to hold back his tears. I smiled sadly at him, and he just nodded. A silent acknowledgement we both understood.
“The, uh, priest and nurse are both here. They’re giving us a couple minutes before they come in,” my dad finally said.
I looked around at the group of people I loved. Exhaling slowly, I squeezed Kyle’s hand in one of mine and tangled my other hand in Beast’s fur. Elly cuddled closer on one side and Kyle sat on my other, his arms around me. My dad squeezed my toes and gave me a smile that didn’t meet his eyes.
“Well, guys…” I felt the need to say…something. Waves of memories and emotions hit me, pieces of my life, moments I’d cherished—there was so much to say, and I didn’t have the words. “I can only imagine how hard this is going to be…after. A little over six months ago, I thought I’d have forever. We were going to have a family.” I squeezed Kyle’s hand. “And then the diagnosis came, and the three of you were so strong. Elly, you came to support me and still managed to do well in school. Kyle, your job has so many demands, but you didn’t miss a single moment with me. Dad, you were a rock for all of us, not just for me.”
Elly let out a small sob.
“I thought I’d beat the cancer—I swear to God, I did. I knew my chances, and I knew about Mom, but I thought I’d be the exception. I thought by now we’d be looking back on this as a bad dream, that I was strong enough to get through it.”
I paused and sniffed lightly, not wanting to fall apart right now.
“But I discovered I am strong. I am stronger than cancer, even when cancer wins. And it’s because of all of you. It’s because of the love I experienced, and the memories I’ll take with me. Even if I didn’t beat this…I won so much.”
The room was quiet, and I looked at each person carefully. I purposely spent a few seconds just staring in their eyes, trading a memory. Telling them with a small smile and a pointed look that I loved them so much.
I needed them to know. I needed them to remember me.
“If I can ask any favor,” I started again.
“Anything, sunshine,” my dad quickly responded.
“Babe, of course,” Kyle said simultaneously.
I smiled at their attentiveness. “Stay a family. Don’t let me be the glue that kept you three together, and once I’m gone, so is this.” I let go of Kyle’s hand and motioned between everybody. “If Kyle remarries, love his new wife and future kids. They’re our family. All the big moments, be there for each other. Be a family—for me. Can you promise me that?”
Elly sat up, reached across me, and grabbed Kyle’s hand. “You’re my brother, Kyle. No matter what. I love you.”
“I promise, too,” my dad said, dropping a hand on Kyle’s shoulder. “This is my son. If you ever fall in love again, and I hope you do, that’ll be my daughter. My grandkids, too.”
“I’d really love that,” Kyle replied, his eyes welling with tears again. “I’d love that so much.”
Elly turned back to me. “We promise, Tessy.”
“We do,” my dad agreed.
“Me too,” Kyle chimed in. “You two will always be my family.”
I smiled wide as everyone moved in and group-hugged. We kissed and exchanged I-love-youes. I asked them to take care of Beast and to explain to him what was going to happen and where I was, to talk to him so he didn’t feel lonely, to give him kisses on his little nose like I would always do. They cried and agreed and I felt a little better about leaving them all. That feeling of family, of an unbreakable bond, surrounded us, and my heart swelled and thumped against my rib cage.
“You guys ready for us?” Malaika peeked her head in the bedroom door, then smiled widely. “Group hug time, huh?”
“We’re ready.” I settled back against Kyle’s chest and my dad returned to his seat at my feet. Elly resumed her place by my side, her head on my chest. Beast licked my hand and stayed by my hip, and I kissed his little nose one last time.
I looked around at my family, the loves of my life, and a single tear spilled down my cheek into my smile. “I’m ready.”
A tall, thin man followed Malaika into the room, a leather-bound Bible in his hand. He wore head-to-toe black, except for a thick white collar around his neck.
“Tessa, this is Father Michael,” my dad said, gesturing the man forward.
“Good to meet you in person, Tessa.” The middle-aged priest came to the edge of the bed then shook my hand.
He and I had spoken on the phone days ago after I’d gotten his name from Father Jack in Chicago. Father Michael had driven over an hour to give me Last Rites, which I appreciated since I hadn’t been able to find other priests so open to my situation.
“You, too, Father.” I smiled as we shook hands. “So, how does it work? Prayer and oil?”
He pulled a small vial from his pocket and held it up. “Prayer, then I’ll say the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, and place this oil on your forehead.”
“Doesn’t sound too hard.” I inhaled deeply, feeling hopeful. “Should we do it now?”
“Since this is to cleanse you of your sins, to be safe, we’re going to wait until after you’ve ingested the medication. We’ll have a small window of time, but enough,” Father Michael said, a comforting smile on his face that reminded me a lot of Father Jack.
I thought back to what Father Jack had told me. He loves me. That will not change. I knew in my heart, and had to hope I wasn’t kidding myself. This was the right choice for me. There was a peace and comfort in the depths of my soul when I thought about it. But I also knew that whatever God thought, the bottom line was as simple as what Father Jack had told me.
Whatever I decide, whatever I do, He loves me. That will not change.
I looked at everyone around me. My dad gently rubbing my legs. Elly’s face tilted to me, her arm flung around my waist. Beast between us, his chin resting on thigh and his little
eyes on mine. Kyle, holding me, his lips pressed to my temple. Malaika stood off to the side, her eyes full and sad, and her arms resting on her stomach as if hugging her child. The priest, poised and stoic, stood next to her, the Bible in one hand, and blessed oil in the other.
I took everything in, as if it could be a memory I’d hold on to forever. And maybe it was. Wherever I was going, whatever would happen to me…this moment would be the sum of my life. This would be my legacy. These people, these hearts, this spirit… this is who I was when I lived.
“I’m ready.” I picked up the first bottle.
No one moved as I unscrewed the lid, and dropped its contents into my hand. I placed the empty container on the nightstand and grabbed the glass of water. Placing the pill on the back of my tongue, I held the glass of cool liquid to my lips and swigged down a few gulps.
The pill slid down my throat easily.
Nothing happened—not that I’d expected it to—and I reached over to grab the second bottle. I took a couple more sips of water, double-checking the first pill would stay down, before opening the second bottle and dropping the capsules in my hand.
I balanced the glass of water between my thighs and cracked open each capsule, dumping its contents inside. Swirling the glass, I watched it dissolve and mix.
I glanced around one more time at everyone I loved, then I lifted the glass to my lips, surprised at the tears stinging my eyes.
I swallowed the first gulp, grimacing at the bitterness of the taste. Rushing, I chugged the rest—every last drop. My stomach churned, and my mouth felt prickly and chalky. I dropped the glass down on the nightstand with a slight clang.
“That tasted like ass.”
Everyone burst out laughing around me, even the priest.
I quickly covered my mouth. “Sorry, Father.”
Malaika handed me a small chocolate bar. “Here, I got you this for the taste.”
My mouth fell open, and I took it from her with a big smile. “Malaika, you are everything good.”
I unwrapped the square of chocolate and placed it on my tongue, rolling it around my mouth and letting it melt. The bitter taste of the medication was gone in seconds.
Every Last Drop: A Novel Page 34
