If you are a slow-to-adapt parent, know that the more prepared you are, the easier it is for you to be an emotion coach. Set your clock ten minutes ahead so you always have a few extra minutes and won’t feel so rushed. Talk with your kids about the day ahead. Share your plans and ask them theirs. Teach your children to avoid surprising you by asking the night before for your help ironing an outfit or packing a lunch. The more surprises you can avoid, the more energy you’ll have to be there for your child. When you are surprised, remember to try to pause, take a deep breath, and tell yourself, “This is a transition. Transitions are tough on me, but I can choose how I wish to respond to this one,” then decide if you need to shift and how you want to do it.
If you’re a quick-to-adapt individual, you don’t have trouble with transitions. You are very flexible and are comfortable switching plans at the last minute. You might even find the changes invigorating. You’re triggered by those who need more time to adapt. You’d like them to hurry! Your first challenge is to recognize transitions. You probably don’t think about them, or how many are in your day, because they don’t bother you. Try to remember and accept that others, especially your slow-to-adapt child, can’t transition as quickly as you can. She needs you to avoid surprising her. If you will simply forewarn her, and give her time to shift, you can win her cooperation and eliminate the power struggles tied to transitions. When you are quick to adapt, your child may also need a more predictable schedule than you’re providing. Remember, too, that spontaneity and surprises are not fun for family members who need time to adapt!
* * *
4. Intensity
How strong are your emotional reactions?
other people often don’t know how you feel
experience every emotion deeply and powerfully
other people describe you as calm
others often try to convince you to let go of an emotion
you are not easily triggered by the intensity of others
easily triggered by the intensity of others
not easily frustrated
easily frustrated
1
2
3
4
5
mild reactions
intense reactions
* * *
Intense individuals parent with gusto! You are passionate and zestful, and everything you do is done with intensity. Your child is loved deeply. When you’ve hit your limit it’s clear—you yell loudly. And there’s no stopping you when you’re on a roll. You get a lot done!
You realize you’ve always had strong reactions and because of that you have to work harder not to get triggered. Preventive actions are essential. Regular exercise, frequent breaks, and calming activities need to be part of your day in order to help you manage those strong reactions. Monitor your stress level and your child’s because when she gets upset, she can fuel your emotions as well. Because you are intense, your child may never know when you’re going to “blow.” Remembering to pause helps you to continue listening to your child rather than shutting down or striking out.
If you’re not an intense individual, you have a much easier time keeping your cool. It takes a lot to get you going. You tend to be calm. Your challenge is to let your child know you are excited about, happy for, or proud of him. Your demeanor may also be so calm that he doesn’t realize when you are angry or really serious about a limit. You have to remember to be passionate about your standards!
* * *
5. Regularity
How regular are your eating, sleeping, and eliminating patterns?
need to eat at specific times
easily skip meals or change mealtimes
wake at the same time even if you went to bed later than usual
easily adapt bed-or wake times
find shifting time zones or to daylight savings time challenging
easily adjust to changes in time zones
find it difficult to understand how some people can skip meals
find it difficult to understand why some people have to eat at specific times
1
2
3
4
5
very regular individual
irregular individual
* * *
Regularity is an interesting trait because there are lots of triggers on both ends of the continuum. If you are an irregular individual, you’re flexible. You probably find travel very easy. Switching time zones doesn’t faze you. You can sleep and eat, or you can wait if necessary. You realize that being woken at night doesn’t exhaust you as much as others. And when a child goes two days without a bowel movement, you don’t panic. You know this can be normal.
Your challenge is to work with your regular child. It can be very difficult to understand why he can’t wait thirty minutes for a meal and demands to eat something now! Or why he can’t delay his bedtime or nap to fit with your schedule for the day. It’s the schedules and the structure they provide for your child that can frustrate you the most. Since you are most comfortable eating when you’re hungry, mealtimes may be unpredictable in your home. And because you’re not necessarily hungry even if you’re preparing meals, you might not sit down with your child, which may lead to a kid trying desperately to get your full attention. Bedtimes may vary widely as well, resulting in struggles with a child who isn’t tired or one who’s overtired because his body is never quite sure when sleep time is. While you’ll never feel comfortable with the schedules your regular counterparts naturally fall into, you may need to provide your child with a bit more structure. Plan times in the day when your family can connect and be predictable enough so that your child can work with you.
If you’re a regular person, you’re more predictable. It’s likely that your routines are well established. Your child knows exactly when the family will be eating and when nap time and bedtime are. That routine can create a sense of security for him.
But it’s frustrating to you when you’ve got that irregular child who doesn’t fall easily into your pattern. You are triggered when your routines are disrupted. You need to eat at set times; otherwise, you get a headache or feel sick. It’s hard to be an effective emotion coach when you’re feeling faint. If your child hasn’t fallen asleep by the prescribed time, you’re exhausted. Hanging on for another hour can be torture. And a child who skips meals or has irregular bowel movements can make you hyperventilate. It’s hard to understand how this could happen since you can’t imagine skipping a meal, or having irregular bowel movements.
When we understand our own and our child’s pattern, we are better able to stay out of power struggles!
* * *
6. Activity Level
How active are you?
find it easy to sit still for long periods of time
find sitting for a long periods of time exhausting
quiet and quiescent
frequently fidget
can take or leave exercise
need regular exercise
like to stroll
prefer to move briskly
1
2
3
4
5
low activity level
high activity level
* * *
Highly active parents have the energy to keep up with busy kids. You enjoy physical activities with your kids and stop frequently when traveling because you need the release as much as the kids do. You understand the strain of sitting quietly through a long religious service and are even relieved to step outside with the high-energy toddler.
It’s inactivity that can trigger you. You have a tough time understanding the child who would rather sit than go play ball with you. You’re happiest when you’re busy and on the move. A “to do” list often runs through your head, especially if you’re persistent, too. That’s why sitting quietly with a sick child or reading three bedtime stories can be taxing for you. It’s hard for you to stop and totally focus on your child. A
nd when forced to sit for long periods of time, like on a plane or in a restaurant with slow service, your intensity rises right along with your high-energy child’s.
Low-activity parents tend to be more laid back. You can sit for hours reading, rocking, and holding your child. You don’t have to be busy to be happy. Your child knows you’re there to come and cuddle with.
Your challenge is to keep up with active kids. They can wear you out! Rest times during the day are just as important to you as to your child. You need some downtime! Trying to keep up with a busy kid and one who refuses to sit quietly in a restaurant can be frustrating. Why, you wonder, can’t she sit still like me?
* * *
7. First Reaction
What’s your first reaction to any new idea, place, thing, or activity?
quickly decide what you like and dislike
need time to decide whether you really like something or not
jump at the chance to try new things
prefer a more cautious approach to anything new
like to quickly join in an activity
prefer to watch before joining in
usually agree to let your child try something new
tend to initially say no when your child wants to try something new
1
2
3
4
5
jumps in
cautious first reaction
* * *
Those who have a cautious first reaction like to think before they respond. You’re not intrusive. You don’t push your child into new things without thinking it through first. You can understand your child’s need to watch before jumping into things and are willing to give him a second chance. Once you’re comfortable you’re just fine and others enjoy your company. But new situations make you uncomfortable. You can actually feel the adrenaline surging through your system when faced with something new. Initially you have to deal with your own reaction, which makes you less available to your child. You also know you’ve had to cope with a cautious first reaction all of your life and hate to see your child having to work through it, too. If your parents didn’t understand your caution, they may not have been able to teach you the steps to take in order for you to feel comfortable entering new situations. Now you’re trying to teach your child, and you’re not quite sure how. Or you might be tempted to send a strong message—“DON’T be this way!”—and push, even though you know it’s not what your child needs. And because you are cautious, when your child asks you if she can do something, it’s likely that your first answer will be no!
If you can appreciate your caution and allow yourself and your child to move slowly into new situations, you’ll have more energy available for your child. And a simple response, like “Let me think about that,” can prevent you from unwittingly falling into struggles with the kid who doesn’t take no for an answer.
Bold individuals feel comfortable exploring and discovering because they do not experience strong physiological reactions in new situations. When John Glenn first blasted into space, his pulse rate rose only to 110 beats per minute, in contrast to the 170 of a colleague on an earlier flight. Unlike their more cautious counterparts, people who enjoy jumping into things don’t get that rush of hormones that tells them to watch out. As a result, living with them is often an adventure. They like to expose their children to new experiences and opportunities.
If you prefer to jump into new situations quickly, your challenge is to understand that new situations can be stressful, especially if your child is a cautious kid. He needs time to watch before joining an activity, which might be difficult for you to accept. And because you’re comfortable jumping in, you may move in so quickly that your child, especially a preadolescent or teen, may find your actions a bit invasive. Teach yourself to pause before you jump in to solve a problem for your child. And think about how many new things you’re signing your child up for. These actions can reduce the number of power struggles you experience.
Putting It All Together
Now you have it, a picture of your first and most natural reactions. When you understand your own style and your own emotions, it’s much easier for you to recognize your triggers, understand those of your child, and find ways to work together. So go back and total your score. Remember there isn’t a good or bad temperament. Every style has its strengths and weaknesses.
* * *
Total Score
7-14
15-25
26-35
low-key
spunky
spirited
emotion coach
emotion coach
emotion coach
* * *
Once you’ve figured out your total score, select your top two “trigger traits.” These are the traits that are most important for you to honor. The emotions and needs tied to these traits must be recognized and met on a daily basis; otherwise, you get drained and pulled into power struggles.
For example, if you know that you are very persistent, it is critical that you plan in your day the opportunity to finish something. You will be more able to deal with the interruptions of your day if you can tell yourself you’ve accomplished at least one thing.
Or perhaps you know you are very regular. Plan your meals, don’t skip them. If you skip a meal, two hours later you’re likely to lose your cool. Managing intensity in the face of hunger is a huge effort for people who are temperamentally regular.
If you’re intense and active, plan exercise into your day. It’s when you know yourself, understand, and accept your emotions and needs that you can open yourself to your child’s.
Savor Your Successes
Jessica honored her temperament and turned a potential blowup into a successful outing. “I took my four-year-old and his friend to the Children’s Museum,” she told us in class one day. “I take them there frequently, but on this day it was jammed. There must have been five hundred school-age kids, many of them almost too old to be there. The noise and commotion were overwhelming. When we did the temperament charts, I had selected sensitivity as my trigger trait, but I didn’t figure out that I wasn’t going to make it through the museum until we were on the top floor. That’s when I realized my intensity was rising. I couldn’t focus on the kids. I knew I needed to leave while I still had the energy to negotiate with them, get them three floors down, walk them across the parking lot, and get them into the car. I remember thinking, How can we get out of this building without a major fight?
“I told the kids, ‘It’s getting close to lunch and it’s too crowded in here. It’s time to leave.’ We have a rule that if you leave a place nicely you can go back. Alex knows that, but he’s persistent, and that day it didn’t work. He had a list of three things he wanted to do. ‘Let’s try two things,’ I said, ‘and then leave.’ We did that, but he couldn’t contain his energy. It was too much to expect him to say, ‘Okay, let’s go,’ but I could tell I was running out of energy to cope. We just had to go. Finally, in desperation, I pulled a coupon out of my purse for a toy store. I said, ‘Oh look, we have a ticket to the toy store. We have to go there right now before it closes. I’ll bring you back here next week when it’s quieter.’ It worked. I felt all right about it because I didn’t bribe him. I simply gave him information about the next thing that we would do, knowing that it would interest him. We often visit the toy store, but we don’t buy. He knows that. We did get out of that building and our fun outing didn’t disintegrate into a power struggle because I recognized my trigger and made the decision to get out while I could still hold it together.”
Understanding and working with your temperament allows you to identify your emotions and manage them. Often you’ve been told you should be able to block the noise or skip the meal. It’s when you listen to yourself, accept your style, and work with it that you can truly connect not only with your child but with the essence of who you are as well.
* * *
Coaching Tips
Know
yourself.
Accept yourself.
Honor your feelings.
Identify your triggers.
Celebrate the person who lives inside of you.
Learn more about temperament.
Read my book Raising Your Spirited Child.
Listen to your feelings.
Exercise.
If you’re persistent, allow yourself to finish something every day.
If you’re sensitive, avoid overstimulating situations.
If you don’t like surprises, plan your day.
NINE
Why Your Child Loses It
Understanding your Child’s Temperament
“Children are to be discovered as well as shaped.”
—Dean Hamer,
Living with Our Genes
When Amanda was a child, the annual visit to the haunted house was a family tradition she eagerly looked forward to. Now she was thrilled that her daughter, six-year-old Corrine, was finally old enough to enjoy it with her.
Ever since she could remember, Corrine had heard the stories of the haunted house and had eagerly awaited participating in the adventure. But now that she was here, in the dark depths of the house, she wasn’t sure if she liked all of the scary puppets and noises. She held her mother’s hand firmly. Ahead of them rose a slimy, bumpy monster on the wall. A deep voice invited passersby to touch it. Her mother reached out to it and squealed with delight as the monster grazed her fingertips. Corrine held back. Her mother invited her toward it. Corrine yanked away. People behind them pressed forward, reaching to run their hands over the monster’s back. They giggled and shrieked as the sensations teased their fingertips. Again, Amanda tried to convince Corrine to touch the monster, but once more she pulled back. It was then that the crowd pushed them into the room of mirrors, followed by the row of coffins with tops that creaked on rusty hinges and headless corpses that rose from their depths.
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Page 14
