Choose Your Own Love Story
Page 1
CHOOSE YOUR OWN
LOVE STORY
© 2016 by Ilyse Mimoun
Illustrations © Jacob Thomas
Published by Running Press,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
Printed in China
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.
Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail special.markets@perseusbooks.com.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015934575
E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5852-3
987654321
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Design by Josh McDonnell
Edited by Jordana Tusman
Typography: Bembo and Brandon
Running Press Book Publishers
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Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371
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Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Acknowledgments
Once upon a time you were in love with a guy named Greg.
But, oh no! Greg dumps you for a girl with amazing thighs and zero personality.
You are forced to suffer online dating, scrolling through dudes with big egos and small vocabularies.
Until, behold! You meet a sexy, charming guy named Jun . . .
. . . But is he charming like a prince? Or charming like a player?
How will your story end? Are you ready to find out?
IF YOU’RE READY to start your own romantic adventure, begin on page 6. A world of decisions sits before you on the following pages, and you alone are in charge of what happens. Some of your choices will be amazing. Some will suck. Don’t worry—you can always go back and start again! You don’t get that option in real life, so go ahead and savor it. Oh, and this isn’t the kind of book that you read straight through—just follow along and see where the story takes you by making a new choice at the end of each section. (You can also turn down the corner of the page each time you make a decision; that way, you can return to the page and make a different choice.)
Of course, dating is not for the thin-skinned. Broken hearts and annoying advice from married friends may await you. But maybe—just maybe—you’ll find your happily ever after. . . . Good luck!
1
It’s a muggy Sunday in September and you have just been dumped.
Greg is leaving you for a little sylph named Oasis, and that is not a joke. Her name is Oasis. He met her at Burning Man. Oasis is a goddamn whimsical free spirit, or what Burners call a “sparkle pony.” She flutters and flits and giggles and gurgles because she is an infant, and apparently that is what Greg likes.
But why would Greg like that? Good question! The answer is that Oasis is hot. She has long tan legs, mermaid hair, and a wide mouth like Vivian in Pretty Woman—a character (you are fond of pointing out) whose evolution from “sassy sex object” to “classy sex object” is not exactly empowering. Until recently Greg liked this sort of cultural criticism, but Oasis has the legs and the hair and the mouth. You have legs and hair and a mouth, but your legs are pale, your hair is frizzy, and your mouth is just okay. Not assets. So that’s one thing.
Greg also likes Oasis because she’s fun. She likes clubbing, she likes smoking a bowl with the guys, and she likes night swimming at the beach because she has the body and is not afraid of sharks. She is also what your Grandma would have called a “courva.” That’s Yiddish for slutty. All those things are fun for boys.
You like staying in, ordering Thai food, and watching television. You love food so much, in fact, that you’re a food critic for a living. The money is terrible, but you get to eat a lot of weird and delicious ethnic noodles. In fact, you and Greg used to eat pad thai noodles together and make fun of girls like Oasis––girls who wear Playboy pendants and think that yoga pants make you spiritual.
Maybe he loves her because she’s simply happy and free instead of anxious and insecure—like you. You think too much. You worry. You care. You probably worry and care too much, but you were hoping that was part of your charm. It’s awful to consider that the very thing that makes you you might have sent your boyfriend running for the hills.
After all, just a few weeks ago you stayed up all night discussing whether happiness was a realistic goal or if it just sets people up for disappointment. You chose the latter, so Greg grabbed you and started kissing your neck. He whispered huskily, “Is this disappointing?”
Was that a great night, or did you just imagine it?
“Of course it was a great night!” Greg says now, begging you to understand. You’re standing by his kitchen counter, and you grip it to steady yourself. Maybe concentrating on small things can stop the room from spinning. Shiny hardwood floor. Bananas and avocado in a glass bowl. Greg’s corn-chip smell. “You’re amazing but . . .” he continues, “I just had an epiphany in the desert. . . . Oasis and I have a connection . . . ”
You feel like you’re in a bad dream. Here’s Greg—that big, stubbly, endearing bear, but he looks strange now. You know he always has stupid epiphanies when he takes stupid mushrooms in the stupid desert. You just thought this year his epiphany would be that he wants to marry you because you are the only woman he ever wants to see naked for the rest of his life. The chasm between your fantasy and this actual moment is unbearable.
“What can I say?” you ask bitterly. “How can I argue with a hallucination you, had in a hundred-degree heat on drugs? Obviously this is a great decision for an eighteen-year-old—oh wait! YOU’RE FUCKING THIRTY-FIVE.”
Greg shifts uncomfortably. You are doing the worst thing, and you know it. You’re being hostile and caustic and highlighting the ugly (albeit limited)
ways you are inferior to Oasis. But you can’t help it! Doesn’t Greg know how much you love him?
“I can totally understand your perspective,” Greg says, and his new serenity is taking annoying to a new level you never dreamed possible. You hope together they choke and die from high-fructose corn syrup withdrawal. He puts his hand on your shoulder and you shrink back. Sure, you long to snuggle against his big reassuring chest, but then what?
If you can’t help yourself and have to touch him again, turn to page 29, section 9.
If you’d rather leave with a smidge of dignity, turn to page 15, section 4.
2
Impish architect Benjamin was a great choice! You love his mischievous smirk—he looks like he’s perpetually about to throw a surprise birthday party or rob a bank. Sure, he seems a little emotionally reserved, but what guy isn’t at first? The only trouble is . . . he’s a dirty talker.
“Oh fuck yeah,” he says on your fifth date, for you have decided it’s mature to wait until the fifth date to Give It Up.
Benjamin is rolling on the condom while staring at your naked body so intensely that you blush. “God, I want to fuck you so bad,” he says. “You hot wet nasty little . . . ”
You can’t hear the rest because your ears are ringing. You know what’s supposed to come next: You’re supposed to say stuff back. You’re supposed to act porny. But you are not porny; you’re just horny. And even that word makes you uncomfortable—it reminds you of eighth-grade boys with braces and purple clusters of chin acne who couldn’t stop looking at your breasts. So you just say, “yeah yeah yeah” in this really stupid whisper-moan. Then you forget about the dirty talking and just enjoy the ride.
The fact is, you don’t think in sentences when you are enjoying carnal pleasures. It may be the only time your mind isn’t crammed with words and questions but rather just waves of sensation.
When the deed is done, Benjamin spanks your bottom on his way to the shower. You don’t know if it’s a football spank (good job, buddy!), a proprietary lover’s spank (your ass belongs to me now!), or a punishment spank (next time, speak up!). You decide to seek counsel from Crystal, so you meet her at Monsieur Oiseau’s for a drink.
“So you’re not into it?” she asks.
Crystal is a sexy, voluptuous blonde from a small mining town in Pennsylvania. She can talk as dirty as a beer-swilling, porn-guzzling trucker.
“No, I’m into it,” you say, smoothing out the crease in your jeans. “I’m just afraid he’s going to expect me to say stuff back.”
“Well, yeah!” Crystal laughs and gulps back her drink. “God, I hope this works.”
“Are you drinking vodka cranberry juice because of your UTI?” you ask, sipping your too-sweet Appletini. “You should know alcohol neutralizes the effect.”
“You’re kidding!” Crystal says. “I hate va-drama! So what is he saying? That will help me figure out if you need to say anything back.”
“He’s just like. . . . Or he’s all. . . . Then he like . . .” You can’t say it.
“Okay,” Crystal understands. She hands you a pen and a wilted napkin. “Write it on this.”
You bite your lip and write the first thing Benjamin said as he slid his hand up your dress:
Your ass is amazing.
Crystal laughs, “That’s not dirty talk! You could say that!” She’s speaking a little louder now, hoping the fedora-wearing guy at the bar will take notice.
“Well, sure,” you say. “I’m not a prude. . . . Your ass is amazing.” You clear your throat. “Your ass is amazing!”
“Great!” Crystal says.
“Well, it’s easier to say to you. Plus, there’s more.” The next words you write down again.
Suck my rock hard c. I want to f your p. I want to own your p.
Crystal tosses her hair back and laughs. “Fantastic! You said you love it, right?”
“I like hearing it okay, but the idea of me saying stuff like that feels ridiculous. First of all, my genitals are clearly mine, not his. At least, legally. And I don’t think in sentences like that. It wouldn’t be authentic.”
“So what?” Crystal asks, signaling to the bartender for another drink. “Fake it till you make it. People take sex too seriously.”
You are sure she’s right. Crystal is fun and appealing, whereas you feel so grim. It’s like she’s roller skating and you’re homework. Time to lighten up, lady!
Turn to page 23, section 7.
3
“Shelly,” you say finally, because for some reason you are very concerned with being respectful. “Why did you do this?”
“Ya know,” Shelly says, fingering a wet curl. “Why not?”
It’s a sad thing to say. You and Max walk Shelly back downstairs and insist she take some energy bars for the ride home. “Call if you get lost!” you call after her. “Be safe!”
In bed that night you both wonder about Shelly’s home life. Why the hell would she even want to do MCP with two dorks like you guys? The question explodes you into giggles and you snuggle up.
“I love you, dork,” Max whispers in your ear. He kisses you deeply, and you throw your arms around him, the way you did the morning of the garbage bags.
So all in all, you could say the event spiced things up a bit and rekindled some passion for you guys. You won’t dare admit that Shelly was kind of a drag and not the magical enchantress you had dared to believe in.
In the morning Max gives you a playful little spank. Shelly’s butt was toned but your butt is loved, and filled with history. Yours is the butt Max squeezed on your way out of Crate and Barrel. Yours is the butt he squeezed after you went on bike rides to (try to) lose the baby weight. Yours is the chubby beloved butt he wants to squeeze for the rest of his life.
And that suits you just fine.
THE END
4
You take his hand off your shoulder and take a deep breath.
There is nothing left to say, but so much to do. There are so many clothes in his closet, so many shoes, soaps in the bathroom, shampoo in the shower, Q-tips in the drawer, CDs everywhere—the enormity of the task overwhelms you, and you crumple on the kitchen floor in a crying heap. You are still partly outside yourself, aware of how unappealing this picture must be yet unable to do anything else.
“I think you’re making a big mistake,” you say now, deciding inwardly that you will pick up your stuff some other day, even though you already know you’ll need your pajama pants and flip-flops sooner than later. Grabbing them now is just too pathetic. “Actually, I know you’re making a big mistake. I’m afraid that by the time you realize that, the window will be closed, but I hope not.”
It’s a pretty good parting line, one you have been working on all morning, and you hope it seemed dignified instead of desperate.
Turn to page 19, section 6.
5
Shelly is already flapping around the tub, scales shimmering beneath the silky water. You quickly undress and hop in!
The water could be hotter, but it is okay. Max has always been a sexy guy but seems a bit speechless as he enters the water. For a few minutes you three sit there quietly. Shelly taps her fingers against the side of the tub.
“You really are beautiful,” you say, proud of yourself for breaking the silence.
“Then go ahead and kiss me,” Shelly says in a Let’s get this going, I have shit to do way.
You lean in and kiss her softly. A cloud of cigarette smoke fills your mouth. This gets Max excited; he floats over to grab both of your butts. But Shelly doesn’t have a butt anymore, or reproductive organs—all such things are buried under the tail. You can’t even see the zipper. Shelly’s breasts, too, are covered in big plastic shells. So Max squeezes your butt and strokes her tail while you and Shelly kiss, and then you all take turns kissing, and no one mentions that the water has turned a bit tepid. Shelly kisses with a lot of tongue but not a lot of feeling.
There is some fondling and caressing, and it’s okay, tho
ugh embarrassing with forced exclamations like, “Wow, a real mermaid in our house!” and “This is a miracle!” Also, one wants to take care with the tail—it seems rude to be too rough or presumptuous with it. Finally Shelly tells Max to just go ahead and hump it, and he does, but he slides off in time so as to not disrespect the “magical” appendage.
“Cool,” Shelly says and flops out of the water to unzip and dry off. She quickly wraps a towel around her lower body. You and Max turn away to let her change into her clothes. The few minutes feel interminable.
Turn to page 13, section 3.
6
You hold your head high as you walk out even though your body is trembling and your stomach is churning and your head drops as soon as you’re in the car and you’re in the fetal position as soon as you reach your bed. For several weeks you can’t eat or sleep, which is fine because you remember this from your last broken heart, that awful one, and you know you will live through this, that oxytocin withdrawal will subside if you bear it long enough and hold on, hold on, hold on, reach out to your friends, write about it, drink tea, eat kale, go inward, stay strong, have faith—all those things, all those things—every day for endless days.
Somehow time passes. Summer yields to fall. The sky darkens by six. The fact that you continue to live is a slap in the face to the relationship. Romeo and Juliet never had to find out if they could survive without each other. Just because love means you want to die without the other person doesn’t mean you have to. Your epic tragedy is in fact totally banal. One day you fall asleep on the couch and wake up gasping from an intensely vivid dream: Greg’s hand in yours. You feel teary for a moment and then do something strange: You take your own hand. You squeeze it. You press your face against it.
You determine to be your own friend, your own partner. And this commitment, this realization that you will never leave you begins to lift your spirits. You start going out more with your friends, put more energy into work, and even consider going to one of those cardio-barre classes. You don’t go, of course, but you think about it.